Xmas = FAIL!!

Omg I totally fail at Xmas!! The week leading up to the 25th I started to feel all depressed again, kept crying randomly etc, was not sleeping properly.. And I have been obsessing, and I mean OBSESSING about wanting to get engaged to A_, and also being totally devastated that he still doesn't want to after 5 years of being together. Well it got to the point where I was crying about it all the time... I began to realize that it was getting ridiculous, me feeling like this, so I decided to write everything down in a letter to A., trying to explain how I felt and why getting engaged was so important to me. Well obviously I hadn't planned to bring up the topic on xmas eve, for "Christ's sake" (haha little pun there). But when we were sitting together on the couch I said playfully "so what did u get me for xmas?" and he answered jokingly "a ring" because he knows that's really what I wanted lol. Well this really upset me, so this started me off on a big argument that really got us no-where. He doesn't want to get engaged/married, I do, there's nothing more to it really.

Well anyway I felt terrible next day (xmas day) so I just let myself sleep and sleep. I was supposed to be at family get togethers and stuff, and apparently Mum and A_ were ringing me and I didn't hear the phone or the alarms I'd set for the morning. Eventually my neighbour came knocking on the door waking me up, saying Mum had rang him asking him to check I was alright... omg I felt so bad for that!!
I rang Mum back right away then, and she ended up driving up to my place to see me. In the end we had quite a nice evening, went down for a walk at the river... But I felt very bad for sort of ruining xmas, I hadn't meant to!
On boxing day A_'s mum was holding a big lunch thing, and though I felt depressed and didn't want to go, A_ convinced me to come. That night we had another talk about the marriage thing, and still didn't really get anywhere. Am not really sure what to think about it now. I never thought I would have to try and convince the person I love to propose to me, it's kind of awful.

On top of this, one of my  good friends just got engaged over Xmas. She and her partner were only together for a few months but he knows he loves her and proposed, and she is thrilled! So what's wrong with ME I wonder? :(





~Tam~

I don't feel very good. It's strange when you're not quite sure how to describe the way you feel, isn't it? It's very difficult for me to get to the root of my problems, sometimes. Like why is xmas time and new years such a difficult time? I think perhaps its a time when you really wonder who the hell you are and where you're going. Lame, and I'm bored with myself already.
I'll just shut the hell up and go sort out my own problems.






~Tam~

imaginaryness

Help me help me help me I am getting sad again, how do I make it stop?? Damn this.

I was doing so well! And now that all the stressors are over and I can "relax", I start to hurt inside my chest again for no reason that I can tell.

Or maybe I can tell. I keep feeling like my relationship with my SO is sort of lacking in a way that can't be fixed. It's the freaking APATHY to everything and everyone, its driving me insane, not having a proper emotional connection.

I know I feel this emptiness wayyy more when I'm not well, and these thoughts usually go away when I'm happy. I suppose I am the one with the problem? And  am a shitty judge, because the other person I "fell in love with" due to a "deep emotional connection" up and ditched me as soon as I became a real person with complications, and not just a fantasy.

I don't know why everything has to be imaginary. I just want to be happy, why do I feel so empty, so desperate??

~Tam~

Sunny Weather :)

Haven't blogged in AGES...

I kept thinking about it, but I was always either too lazy or too busy, it varied :P But tonight is a sleepless night (yet again), and since both me and my SO have insomnia atm, we've decided to get up and chill here in the kitchen with our laptops, drinking hot chocolate. Early morning is the perfect time for blog writing anyway :)

I normally post all my woes about my health or violent emotional turbulence lol, but I actually have nothing to bitch about, I'm happy and I feel emotionally good! :) Exams have finished, yay! Well okay, technically I only had one exam, but it involved a lot of stressful last-minute study-cramming - especially since my epically built-up emotional crisis, break-down and hospitalisation *rolls eyes* omg I'm so bored of myself, seriously. But I think I passed the exam at least, and I was proud to get back a good mark for a previous lab report for pharmacology (85%), although I was skeptical as to whether the lecturer was just being nice by giving me a good mark considering that I was mad, etc.

BUT anyway, I've finished pharmacology!! Just two units to go until my degree is done: a physiology unit and an advanced neuroscience unit. The neuro one sounds a bit scary, but watching brains float around in liquid has a strange allure to it. Just kidding, but I really am interested in neuroscience, I enjoyed the introductory unit I did.

I just looked at my fingers tapping on the computer keyboard, and I just thought how weird fingers are. Especially mine, like mine are kind of manly :/ Bony knuckles and wide fingernails bitten to the quick. That reminds me, my SO and I are going to our University's Music Students ball tomorrow night yippee!! But I don't have any elbow length gloves - sort of wanted to cover the SH scars on my arms. Although actually they've healed really good considering. I always heal fast, pretty awesomely fast actually. I mean sure there are heaaaps of horizontal lines all over the underside of my forearms, but they don't stand out majorly unless I exposed my arm clearly and someone was looking straight at it, kind of thing. I don't know where to get gloves from, maybe I can find somewhere open this morning? Otherwise, its not that big a deal, I don't think anyone really gives a sh*t :D

I do need to get some of those chicken-fillet sticky bras :P because my dress is quite low-cut at the back. Though I'm well-covered at the front, the dress is quite tight-fitting so I hope I don't look too flat-chested LOL! I've got my hair an ash-blond colour atm which I quite like too, although I wish I could get it more SILVER :P It's nice having my ball outfit as my main problem right now! :D

(my hair)

Next week my SO and I are also going on tour (to a country town lol) with our uni chapel choir, which should be fun! One night is a "light-music" night, and I opted to sing "Stormy Weather" while A. accompanies my on guitar XD Should be fun !! I can totally get my Ella Fitzgerald onnnn!!

Well I've promised myself to keep up a more regular blog, writing is good!! So, until next time, which shall be soon!

~Tam~

Skeleton Waltz

I wrote this (albeit rather depressing) poem a while ago but I thought it was appropriate around halloween as it sounds kind of eery and goulish! :)

I can't be bothered updating on my current mental state, I'm kind of crazy, we know that, lets leave it that for now.



Skeleton Waltz

Candid decisions are mortal, but I
am a superpower come to life.
Don't judge me, because I am not
human. Cold eyes, teeth buried
in the necks of others. Blood
is thicker than water, and ties are
stronger than ever, when you're dead.
Who's life instead?
I am not a monster. I am not
a walking corpse. Believe me,
through these tears? Pills,
chills and other cheap thrills.
Dancing, flesh-less finger pointed;
every thought and limb disjointed,
hung over from the last life.





Found this picture online from an article:




~Tam~

My Hospital Stay - BPD??

Yep, so I ended up  (voluntarily) in the psychiatric ward... it was my first time in. That's why I haven't posted in a while... there was no internet in there. I was there for less than a week, thank goodness because I didn't cope very well with the environment in there.

Well shall I tell you the story, starting with how I got admitted?

If you've been reading my previous posts, you've probably realized that I've been increasingly depressed and suicidal for some time....
Well, I guess I finally lost the plot and made 'plans' to overdose, started writing suicide letters etc. In the meantime I cut my arms a lot. Well Mum dropped round to visit me, and found my crying hysterically covered in blood. Then my housemate walks in on top of it, takes one look at me, tells me not to worry and it's alright, and calmly goes to get some bandages etc to dress my arms (he's awesome). Anyway so I end up pouring out everything to Mum, my suicidal plans etc, and she said: "hunny, I think you might need to go into hospital for a little while."
So I ended up at the ED, crying my eyes out at the poor psychiatric nurse (well I guess she's used to it). There were no beds available, so they told me to sleep at Mum's place for a couple of nights and they'd call when there was a free bed. When I went in, I was insanely depressed. My roommate, however, was amazing. She was legally blind, was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Asperger's, and was a self-harmer like me. But she helped me so much, it was like she knew exactly what to do and say when ever I was upset ... I wish I knew what to do to help other people like that, what a gift! Unfortunately she left a couple of days after I got there. There was another lady in the ward, however, who I really liked. She reminded me sooo much of my friends Mum (also bipolar) who died a couple of years ago. The likeness in personality was amazing! I reckon she got me through that week. We did art and drank coffee together a lot. I tried very hard to treat other people well and help them as much as I could.
My mood however, was all over the place. As I said, I've been depressed for months, and I went in suicidal. Well within a couple of days I was in what I would normally call a mixed or "dysphoric" state, with wild mood swings from euphoric hypomania to hysterical crying and depression all within the same day.
I had a particularly bad night in which some of the psychotic patients started fighting with each other and it made me extremely anxious and agitated so I went to bed and put my headphones in to try and calm down. Anyway, a very nasty and irritable nurse came and snatched them from me... because apparently I was not allowed any "cords" in my room. This made me cry even harder and become more hysterical. I think I was shrieking "I WANT TO GO HOME!!!" lol. But by the next morniing I was euphoric and manic again. and so it went on....
I also self-harmed while in one of my distressed states. I found a bit of an aluminium packet (like that pills are put in) in my pocket - okay I admit I put in in there on purpose before I went - and I opened the healing cuts on my arms... so a nurse found me covered in blood and crying again.... And I was threatened that if I SH'd again I'd be put in the locked ward. This freaked me out even more. The entire place and everything about it freaked me out majorly, to be honest.
This crazy swinging between opposite moods and the self-harm lead to both Drs telling me I had a lot of Borderline Personality Disorder traits, and saying I needed to talk about that with my normal pdoc, and think about therapies in that direction. Have to wait another week now though to get an appointment with her. Now I'm confused. Have I really got Bipolar Type 1 Affective Disorder as my pdoc has always said?? or am I actually Borderline? Or both?? I have no idea... but I suppose it would affect treatment?

Well I wanted to finish on a funny note, so I wanted to add that there were some really fun moments in the ward also. There was a manic lady who liked to dance in at morning tea/coffee time and yell "FRUIT-CAKES FOR THE FRUITCAKES!!" (they always gave us wrapped fruitcake like you get in aeroplanes). One morning she also pulled out all the plants in the vegie patch, claiming to the wailing patients (who normally attended it so carefully) that she was simply "re-arranging it" because she was the gardener. I also stayed up late one night with her and another boy doing "yoga" out of a book she'd brought into the ward. The same boy wrote me a love letter which he gave to me when I was discharged. I'd known him for two days.

SO, that's the latest drama.... I am so relieved to be out. I feel good, actually surprisingly really good. I feel exactly the way Sylvia Plath describe the "bell jar" lifting from you so you can breath. I'm very behind at uni now, but have emailed my lecturers hopefully to sort something out. Tonight I hung out with some friends....
one of them was off to a halloween party, so we painted him as a skeleton with white body paint!! He has dark skin, so he wore nothing but his undies and a loin-cloth, and he looked awesome once painted! haha....

Well, at least I can't complain that my life is dull!! Who knows what will happen next??

 ~Tam~

S.I. = Seriously Interesteing

JOKES, this post isn't really all that interesting. But there is a mixture of mourning, self-injury, and armpits within, so who wouldn't want to read onwards? :)

So I'm awake yet again... at 3.45am... this is getting ridiculous, even oxazepam is not knocking me out....Well, when you can't sleep, might as well blog, right? Right now I'm listening to Dvorak's Slavonic Rhapsodies - so pretty :)

Today (or yesterday now, I suppose) would have been my brother's birthday. Some of my family were meeting at the foreshore in memory for him. I was meant to be going, but today when I woke up, I just sort of froze. I got really anxious and panicky, then depressed and lethargic. It was bad, I didn't do anything all day! Mum says she understood and didn't blame me for not coming, but I am really blaming myself, like that's pretty bad that I couldn't even get myself together for the memory of my brother :( These days I am feeling more and more like a failure. All I seem to do is bring down other people, specially Mum and A_.
I almost traumatized my poor 7-yr-old and 8-yr-old nieces as well the other day. My 8-yr-old niece saw the SI marks on one of my arms (unintentionally on my part, needless to say.) It went like this:

She: "What's that on your arm?"
Me: "Oh, nothing, just a scratch."
She: "A scratch! There's like a million things in a row!"
Me: "Hey, do you want to play ball?"
She: "Okay!"

Lol, thankgod kids are so easily diverted. Unfortunately, my nephew (who's 12, turning 13) heard the whole thing, and I'm pretty sure he sussed it out. He's smart. But hopefully he wont mention anything to his parents. I really didn't do this (SI) for attention, and besides which, it is as embarrassing as well. Who wants to talk about why they have a whole load of horizontal scars and cuts on their arms, and explain that they did it to themself, for reasons that the other person could never understand?? Exactly. No-one.
And I suppose I was an idiot not to think before doing it on my arms, because it's almost summer weather here, and in Western Australia you just canNOT survive in long sleeves - you will literally die :P I'm going to see if I can find any (extremely thin-materialed "arm-warmers" on ebay, so that I can wear singlets and aiir-out my armpits LOL while still hiding my arms. Yeh I know that will probably look sus, but so will wearing long-sleeve tops in 40+ degrees Australian summer heat, trust me. I suppose "sus" is better than displaying self-inflicted scars to the world - and worse, to family and friends.

~Tam~

BIG SCARE!! and naked body art

On Sunday night I had a massive scare...

One of my friends from my MI peer support group sent a message on fb saying "Can you take me to the hospital???" just like that, without saying what was wrong! I couldn't get hold of them after that, they went offline and my phone was broken (I'd dropped it earlier and lost the battery) so I didn't have his number to ring. I'd also forgotten the address (I am completely retarded when it comes to directions) so I couldn't drive there. Well I full-on panicked, all I could think about was What if he overdosed, or is really ill and has passed out or something, and I'm the only person that knows?? So I fb messaged everyone I could think of trying to get his contact details, no-one had them! I ran in to my housemates room shrieking "What do I do???" lol, and he was like, okay Tam, calm down, call the police and tell them everything you know, it's all you can do. So I dialed emergency and spoke to someone. Afterwards I frantically continued talking to everyone on fb to see if they could remember anything, address etc. I kept envisioning the cops breaking into my brothers house, and them and my Mum finding my brother dead on the couch...
Anyway so I embarked on a mad search for my mobile phone battery, which my housemate eventually found underneath a piece of furniture! So I called the number of the friend (who'd asked for the lift to the hospital) and he wasn't answering, which increased my panic! I went to ring the police again to tell them I had his number now, when the friend rang me back. He said: "I'm okay, I'm in hospital because I had a reaction to something, was vomiting and passing out." Omg the relief that went through me that he was okay...
I mean, horrible that he was sick, but omg I thought I was going to be responsible for my friend being dead for having a shit sense of direction.Scariest night ever! Well I rang back the police and let them know what had happened, and that he was fine. *Big sigh of relief!* The friend is back at home now and says he's feeling much better, thank goodness.

So, moving on to less dramatic matters... today I wrote a little in an exercise book while I was at uni, so I might as well chuck that here on the blog:

"Today has been a better day. I could deal with it if it was always like this! My pharm lab was easy, for once. But I had an embarrassing moment when I was washing my hands and my lab partner, C., saw my SI marks and asked "What happened to your arms??" Gah, should have known that question would come from someone at some point. Well I've actually become quite friendly with C. over the year and she already knows about my bipolar, so I just answered: "Oh, you know... just my emotional problem stuff." She seemed a bit shocked and kind of went "OH," with her eyes wide, but didn't say anything else about it. Later on she came and got a coffee with me, so she must still want to be my friend lol. Could have been worse!"

I forgot to add when I wrote this, that my Mum turned up unexpectedly at my house this morning because she knew that I'd been quite depressed lately.. thing was I was just getting ready and had to rush off to my pharmacology lab! So she drove all that way for nothing.. :/ Came home tonight to find that she'd cleaned up all of this mess that was in my room, and done all the dishes (thanks Mum!)

Tonight I haven't been able to sleep, I lay in bed for hours with no luck, so I ended up getting up to write this blog. A_ said "are you a bit manic" just because I suggested we paint our own naked bodies with acrylics (in a non-kinky way). I don't think I am, I still feel very sad, I cried tonight when I got home, just sat in the car and cried, for no reason. What's new lol. And considering I spent the last week hardly moving out of my bed, I'd say definitely not manic, although today has been a better day in comparison. I think I will ring my pdoc tomorrow, I really can't stand hurting so much anymore. I was trying to explain to A_ about my self-harming, that it just gets to the point where I hurt so much inside, relentless pain, that I just can't stand it, I have to do SOMETHING or I will break. He never really answers when I try to talk to him about these things, maybe he just doesn't know what to say.

Anyway, I better go before this turns into a novel...

~Tam~

O Motivation, When Wilt Thou Strike?

I'm so tired, tired in a way that goes beyond physical...

I had a really bad night/morning, I slept but kept waking up constantly. In the morning I woke up but I didn't get up, because I was praying to sink back into unconciousness. No luck, the result being that I moped in bed until 1pm.

However, I knew I had to get up and function because I'd invited a few friends round - for that very purpose, to make myself get up and function. Ended up having a really nice afternoon just hanging out, but I was struggling a bit by the end of the evening.

Now to bed... tomorrow I desperately need to get some uni work done, I have a test on Monday..

O motivation, when wilt thou strike?

~Tam~

Ashes

Not doing so good again today. Extreeeeme fatigue, I'm just exhausted and have absolutely no motivation to do anything at all. Yesterday I had group therapy, but in the end only three of us turned up. Went to get a coffee later with J, who showed me some writing he'd been doing. He's definitely really talented, but for some reason it made me sad as well, because it seemed to me that the creativity came out of a really vulnerable and disturbed place. Why are we (bipolars) so unstable? I hate the term "bipolar" now. Just sounds like a label to me, and doesn't tell you a damn thing about the experience.

I feel like I want to cry at the moment, but can't. I rang my Mum a couple of hours ago, and she said we were having a get-together next week to scatter my brother's ashes. My brother was bipolar too and overdosed. Mum telling me about the ashes seemed to really hit me like a blow, I don't know why, since my brother passed away  ... what is it, about three years ago now? She said she couldn't bring herself to do the ashes thing until now. We are doing it the Perth river foreshore, where me and Mum and my brother used to go walking with his cute but hyperactive dog, Jessy. I don't know if Jessy is still alive, I think my Dad took her when my brother died.

That's another thing. My Dad, who I'm not in contact with, will also be there. I hold no enemity, but he still acts like an a**hole towards Mum, and also did towards me  when I saw him at my brother's funeral. And seriously if he's nasty or cold to me on the day we scatter the ashes, I won't be able to deal with it. I'll break down. And so I'm scared. And I feel sad. And I can't focus on uni work, and I don't think I will be able to make it to choir rehearsal tonight. :( :(

I don't want to struggle anymore, I don't want anyone to struggle, it's not fair, is it?


~Tam~

The Journal of a Bipolar, Atheist, Vegetarian Vampire

Today is a day day day day day. Another one! This one is alright, its not so hot as it was yesterday... I remembered that glaring sunlight was something that did not agree with me :P I think I am a vampire. I would make an excellent vampire, if it weren't for the fact that I was a vegetarian.

I have been reading another vampire book by Anne Rice. I like the earlier books where Lestat and Louis are raging atheists. The later books become all spiritual and all about redemption. F*k that, who the hell wants to be a saintly vampire?

Today I am trying to motivate myself to do some uni work and clean the house. Its not working so far. I am, however, currently sitting here with a toner in my hair trying to get rid of the brassy yellow tones in my died hair. Yesterday I saw a girl with the exact hair colour I am trying to get, this awesome white-lilac-silver colour. I was tempted to go over and ask her how she got her hair to go that colour..

So what else has been happening in my thrilling life?? Well lets see, its been extremely hot the last couple of days, as I said - it wasn't in the morning, so I put on a long sleeve shirt of A's, and went to meet Mum, my sister and the kids at the river in Midland. There is an amazing new playground there now, like truly amazing, its enormous, more like a theme park! and entirely free for the kids, which is great. Anyway, I was totally dying as it was swelteringly hot... but I could take off the long sleeve jacket because I did not want to expose self injury marks, especially in front of the kids. My sister kept asking me why I was wearing it...

Anyway, besides the heat, it was a lovely afternoon. We went back to Mum's for dinner, too. Its nice having someone cook for you! I never cook, so I basically just snack all the time. I know, I know, unhealthy vegetarian vampire that I am.

More later.

~Tam~

Pity Party

Having a hard day today... can't seem to get myself going...

My sister, her husband and kids are back in Perth and I promised to go see them for lunch, but its already 1pm and I still can't seem to get myself together to get out the door!! God I feel so pathetic and hopeless! This damn anxiety is taking over my entire life.... Doesn't help that A. is as lazy as f*ck so he just sits around and really doesn't help motivate me or help get myself together. Sometimes I wish my S.O. had a bit more enthusiasm in general lol, I need it right now!! There's "laid back", and then there's  just "zombie." Sometimes he errs on the zombie side. Well, that makes two of us! What a great pair...

Actually yesterday I was feeling a bit better, and I performed with the youth orchestra at a concert last night. I was feeling pretty shitty during the performance, having a pounding headache was not helpful while trying to play Mahler 5. I thought Epilim was meant to help with the headaches???

Whine whine whine okay I'll go now because otherwise I'll probably just continue this self-pity party for the next hour :P

Forgive me, next post will be as POSITIVE as I can make it! X)



~Tam~

Carnivale Madness

Just watching Carvinale (the TV series) again... I love this show! Such a shame they discontinued it after a couple of series. I love the darkness and the intrigue, the blurring of lines between good and evil... truly epic! ADORE Clancy Brown as Brother Justin as well, he's amazing!

Yes I know there are a billion things I should be doing right now, like the mountain of dishes I've been avoiding all week, or all the clothes that need to be washed, or flute practice before the concert this weekend, or uni work... But I'm just sitting here instead, because its so much easier than deciding and what to do, and gathering the motivation together to do it.

This afternoon I sang with the choir for a memorial service for this ex-chancellor person of UWA. Had to sit there through all these long boring speeches, it was excrutiating! I spent the time looking around the (rather impressive) Winthrop Hall where it was held at the university, and imagining weird things... In my head I was making humungous trees sprout up from the floor, and vines and flowers go all over the walls, until the entire hall became a forrest. Then I imagined all the objects that were in the room, the chairs and tables and glasses and wine bottles all rising into the air and floating around - wouldn't it be marvelous and odd if such a thing were to happen before your eyes?

Yeh okay I'm a complete fruitcake, we know this. I spent the first half of the day crying in the shower, and planning my suicide with Epilim overdose. Unfortunately I lost the damn script, so I'll have to ring the pdoc to get another one sent out, whether I end up killing myself with it or not. Probably not, because I get too guilty about the people I'd hurt so terribly by leaving behind.

So I don't know what I'm going to do, there's stuff going on as usual, its study-break for uni but I have a concert next weekend for WAYO, also my sister and my brother-in-law and my nieces and nephews come home for two weeks (arriving on the same weekend as the concert). And their house (where I'm currently staying) is a huge mess at the moment, and the weeds in the back and front yard are like knee high. Oh dear.

At the same time I feel completely cut off from all these things. I'm just floating around in this weird dark tunnel, and every now and then I get hit with odd thoughts and then go back to being suicidal. I am so BRILLIANT at not looking crazy on the outside. If that's not a talent, then I don't know what is!

Broken Soul

I've been having a  bit of a hard time lately. The anxiety is getting kind of ridiculous, I've like completely withdrawn socially :/ The other day I had a pdoc appointment, and was prescribed Epilim. My pdoc says hopefully it should help with the anxiety and head-splitting headaches I've been getting every day! Unfort it takes a long time to kick in, and I have to work my way up to full dose, also get a blood test in a couple of weeks. I don't like the idea of getting a blood test because I have cuts up my arm from SI, and I don't know how a nurse/pathology person would react to that, would they say anything? Would I have to pre-emptively explain myself or what? - awkward. Maybe I should try not to cut for the next couple of weeks at least, so that the marks will at least have faded and not freak anyone out as much.

Anyway, so the anxiety... after my pdoc appointment I drove to uni as I had a choir rehearsal. Well I parked in the car park, and I had this anxious attack thing where I sort of froze and I couldn't get out of the car to go to rehearsal. I just sat there in the car park for like half an hour, then I went home. *Sigh. So pathetic! What is going on, I feel like I'm being a total weirdo. I also missed my friends bday party last night because I was too busy being anxious and crying continually. Gahhh so sick of this!!

I got very upset at my pdoc appointment when I saw a girl sitting out the front of the Dr's building against the wall sobbing her heart out. I stopped and said stupidly "are you okay?" - what a dumb question, right, but I didn't know what to do, so I said: "would you like me to go and get someone, or get you a drink of water from inside?" But she said no thanks she was alright, although she clearly wasn't. So I went inside and I got the receptionist and said "There's a young girl out the front who is not very well, can someone help her?" And the receptionist was like "Oh is she out there again, I didn't hear her, I usually hear her crying" :/  But she went out and called a relative I think to come and get her. My heart aches so badly to see someone in that state. Omg why do people have to hurt so much?

When I left the appointment she was still sitting out the front, waiting for someone I think. I said: "Hope you feel better soon, I do understand and I promise it will get better!" She smiled at me and said "thank you" but I felt so hopeless because I knew I could not take away her pain, could not take away anyone's pain. And though I knew there would be times when she would feel better than she did now, I also knew that mental illness rarely goes away for good. And that is so devastating, to know that we are stuck in this cycle of pain.

All last night I prayed to the non-existent gods again to make me a vessel, so that I could absorb everyone else's pain, take it away. I wouldn't mind feeling any amount of agony, if I knew it was stopping other's from suffering it. I am no use to anybody as I am, all I am good for is feeling pain, I can't seem to do anything else more active. So if only it was for the good of others! :(

Paper airplanes with Marchetti

Haven't posted for a few days again, been doing a lot since my last post... the weekend just gone I was in Geraldton with A., playing (in our flute/voice & guitar duet) for the annual Reader's and Writer's Festival. I think it went very well, we got lots of really appreciative feedback which was lovely! Also everyone seemed to really like my singing, of which I was pleasantly surprised lol, since I always kind of maintain that I'm not a "real" singer. Though I guess for folk music I do have the right type of (alto) voice. A., did a really great job too.

While I was there I experienced really terrible anxiety though, like I couldn't really talk to anyone, despite copious amounts of beta-blockers and oxazepam consumption lol. I was surrounded by all these fantastic Australian writers and I couldn't say a word to them. I was at the same dinner table as Marlina Marchetti, author of "Looking for Alibrandi", "Saving Francesca," etc, but I never even spoke to her! Omg fail, epic fail!

One pretty funny thing, though, when we were at this classy gourmet dinner, I was getting really bored despite my anxiety, and I made a paper airplane out of my name label on the table. Anyway the wife of one of the authors noticed, and thought it was a great idea, and then the entire table ended up making paper airplanes (including Marchetti) and we all went into the corridor and had a competition of whose paper plane would go the furthest. A. thought all this was hilarious, he said "trust you to start something like that, Tam", although I have a suspicion that the amount of wine consumed by the authors may have had something to do with it. Still, it makes a pretty good story.

Maybe I'll get to play at the festival again next year and I wont feel like I'm dying inside, and may actual be able to speak to people about books and writing and making a career, since its like my dream.

So we got back to Perth sunday night, and I had a presentation on a scientific paper on Monday for pharmacology!! I was sooo nervous as I had had basically no time to prepare!! I just kind of went and winged it, but I was nervous and talked fast and stumbled over my words a bit, same old lol. I was happy to find out that I managed a 70% in my mid-semester test despite not opening a book before hand. It was only multi-choice, so I'm  thinking some lucky guessing played a part in this.

Today I felt bad and very anxious and sad again, I got all uptight and worried about centrelink stuff, and finding out they will be cutting  back my payment now that I'm registered in a de-facto relationship again. I wish I was rich and did not have to worry about money.

I was being weird and reminiscent today. Instead of studying I've been mostly reading an old copy of "The Thornbirds" I found in Jen's desk. I've seen the movie, but never read it before. The way Meggie feels about Ralph, and the idea of glimpsing the magic but never being able to have it... made me cry!! There's so much emptiness in life and it seems that we bring it upon ourselves!

Maybe I'll repeat that sentiment at group therapy tomorrow, or advise everyone (again) not to fall in love with a devout religious person. From all I've heard, read and experienced, it always ends badly lol.

Anyway, its nice to be able to relax a bit after all the stressful things that have been happening, although I am behind in my lectures, I need to listen to a couple online to catch up. I should really stop writing this blog post  and listen to them now!

So, until next time...

R U OK?

It's R U OK day today http://www.ruokday.com/

I'm not quite sure what the question means! Doesn't everybody just say "yes" in response anyway? But yes what? Yes, I suppose it could be a lot worse? Yes I probably won't die today? Or YES I feel happy and well?

That last one I can't remember EVER feeling, though I suppose I must have at some point. I don't think I'm just someone who has bipolar episodes, I think my mind is like permanently damaged now. I'm looking into this dark tunnel to infinity and the emptiness and the fear are overwhelming. My mind has become a vortex. Trapped! What do I do now? Do I say I'm okay?

Yesterday I tried to get an earlier appointment with the pdoc, but again the receptionist told me they couldn't fit me in earlier than Wednesday next week. She said "R U OK?" I said, "sort of."

I don't know, am I?

At group therapy yesterday I said: "How do you deal with intrusive thoughts? How do you deal with everyday life when you're constantly thinking about how you're going to kill yourself?"

The psychologist said "can I see you after." But afterwards I told her that there were things that were stopping me from doing it: my Mum, A., and the fear of surviving with brain damage. And so that was that, went on my way.

Helphelphelphelphelp I don't think anyone can help me, because I am permanently broken. I think I am mad.

"Oh God, Tam, so DRAMATIC!"

Ohh god my head is spinning right now... went up to a higher dose of Zoloft (from 50mg to 100mg) and the HEADACHES and dizziness are incapacitating!! Paracetamol and ibuprofen don't seem to help at all.. Am hoping it will settle down again in a few days. BUT enough complaining (poor A., he's had to listen to all my complaints lately) ......
I had a good weekend! Although I was very anxious on friday night and I wasn't able to sleep at all, I still went to orchestra rehearsal the next morning. So proud that I got myself ready and drove there! :) T. came up in the afternoon, and went with me to Freo to do an interview - E., whom I met through fb, is a film student and is doing a documentary on depression, so I agreed to be interviewed for it. I was nervous to be on film, but wanted to help out. Hopefully I don't look like a complete fruitcake on it lol. I hadn't slept, so combined with the anxiety I was going a bit weird. What's new lol.

That night we also had the National Suicide Prevention Walk (by Lifeline organization) in fremantle. Had a fairly good turn out in the end. I thought it was really nice, we all met at the town hall and they had tea and coffee for us, and everyone got a free scarf or bandana. There was also a tree, where you'd write messages of hope and encouragement and attatch them to the branches. At the beginning they had a couple of little talks as well, which I thought was nice, and then we went on a short walk around Freo.

By the end of the night I had met four new people: E. and her friend M. (for the film, and they also came on the walk), V. from the support group, whom I'd only spoken to online previously - I thought she was really lovely, so happy to have met her! - and also a girl (R.) who had come by herself to the walk, and who ended up coming out to dinner with T. and I afterwards, and also joining our support group :)

Unfortunately I had to put up with the god-awful headache though... which got worse and worse through Sunday and today!

To make things worse, I realised at about midnight on Sunday that I had a pharmacology test the next day on everything we'd done so far in semester. Yep. Made a very brief attempt to study, but I swear my headache had turned almost into a migraine by then, and I just couldn't focus!! So today I just went to the test without having studied, did absolutely terrible as expected :/ I also have a seminar due next monday, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to finnish that because I am away all weekend at Geraldton doing the music gig with A. at the reader's and writers festival. AND I will miss an orchestra rehearsal that Saturday, and we have a concert the next week!!
Ahhhhh omg why does everything get so piled up, I just can't cope with it all!! The other night I said to A., “I've just had enough of it all, hey. Everything.”
And he just rolled his eyes and was like “Oh God, Tam, so DRAMATIC!” So then I did have to laugh at my own drama :P But I said: “Don't you ever feel like that? Just like “oh fuck I wish it would just end”?” And he said “NO I do not ever think that. Sometimes I wish I could fast-forward time a bit, but not END it.”
Me: “oh, okay.”
So does this mean that other people don't fantasize about their own death? lol, I mean, I do it all the time, even when I'm “okay,” or at least, appearing to function normally on the outside. I'm okay atm, I guess, except the anxiety is still pretty bad, I'm spending a lot of time in bed during the day because of it. And every time I go to sleep, I always think: “why couldn't this just be it?” and like praying that I'll just die in my sleep or something.
I mean, if truth be told, I don't really want to live - in the sense I'm just too damn tired now. I'm tired, so tired like I'm an old lady or something, I've had enough and I'm 22. It's hard to muster up much enthusiasm about struggling through the next 60 years or whatever.

I think about overdosing on Seroquel, which I have a lot of in my cupboard, but then I get freaked out by the possibility of survival with permanent brain damage. Also I think about how Mum already went through my brother's death, and that she couldn't handle another. And also poor A. would be traumatized if he found me dead or nearly dead or something.
So I just make pathetic shallow cuts on my arms instead to deal with it all. Sigh. Today I even did it at uni. Before my lab, when I felt I couldn't take it any more I went to the bathroom and cut, and it did make me feel better. I wish I could cut deeper and bleed a lot more, but I'm afraid I'll accidentally go too deep and then need medical attention or something or have to tell A. or someone that I did too deep, and it would be mortifying, embarassing, I'd feel like an idiot. I should stop talking about this because I'm probably triggering anyone who might read. I'm sorry!!! Wtf is wrong with me, I've gone from “I had a great weekend” to my suicidal thoughts to self-injury within a single blog... man I really am a fruitcake.

I am supposed to go to a choir rehearsal now, but I'd really just rather stay here in bed, ignore the world and ignore the pile of uni assignments I desperately need to do. I have been basically doing just that for the last few days, been sitting here reading “Blackwood Farm” (by Anne Rice) for hours on end. Nothing like a bit of popular gothic fiction to help you escape life, hey?

I think I should stop thinking so much about what is going to happen to me. Because everyway I look at it, it doesn't look good. (“Here she goes, the drama queen strikes again.”) I think the truth is that I want to live, I'm just too God damn pathetic to try.

ANXIETY!!!!

I am so freaking anxious. I do not think I have ever been this bad... I wonder if this is a reaction to Zoloft?? I wake up in the morning, and I am literally paralyzed with anxiety. I am frozen and I just lay there with my mind racing, and overwhelming feelings of terror and doom.

Today I was supposed to catch up with S for breakfast at Kings Park. Well I realized I had an assignment due that I had to do, and that's what I told her,  but tbh mostly it was the overwhelming anxiety that kept me from going.

I didn't move from my bed until 12pm, although I was awake for hours, I was frozen. I got up because I had group therapy in the afternoon. I made myself get up and get ready, but omg was it hard to do. I don't really know if I should have been driving there, but I did anyway.
We had two pharmacists come to the session and discuss medicines with us. I actually really enjoyed the session, more just being with the group rather than learning things, because it was basically stuff I already knew.

Unfortunately I can't get in to a psychiatrist appointment until another 2 weeks, as the receptionist told me they are totally booked out. I need to talk about this damn anxiety, its really getting me down. I'm like too terrified to do anything and leave the house most of the time. Last time I was like that Dr D. said that it was paranoia, but I don't think it is this time. I'm not having paranoid delusions or anything, but I have this constant FEAR, not in relation to any one thing, its just there, and really incapacitating! :S

I do feel a bit stressed about uni work as well. Me and A are going to geraldton next weekend to play music at a readers and writers festival, but I also have a lab report and a seminar due for pharmacology, feel a bit overwhelmed by it.

Also, how the hell am I supposed to perform music in this anxious state??

Colours

A part of me would really like to kill myself. There you go, I put that out there. I suppose everybody thinks like that sometimes. I don't think I would do it though, not unless I really lost my mind. I always have some connection to reality, even if it gets a bit warped.

Today was father's day, so I went with A. to his parents house for lunch. I was feeling very very anxious, and   had this nauseous "off" feeling, teeth-against-blackboard type feeling again. It was really bad, I couldn't really interact with anyone. A's parents had friends over too, so I hope they didn't think I was rude by not speaking. M insisted that we sing and play guitar for them, so I did it but I felt terrible doing it. I couldn't stand the sound of music today, same with the radio in the car on the way home.

A. dropped me off at home then went to a rehearsal. I watched tv series online, then I got in the bath with bath salts and I SH'd again, first time in a few days. I'd actually healed really good in that time, shame I guess. But tonight I also painted a picture, acrylic on canvas:

I am quite proud of it, it's my first canvas painting. or even "real" painting come to that. I really like just dabbling with the colours, its therapeutic, somehow.

I took an antipsychotic tonight, I'm feeling all wrong and of-hilter I know I get that when I'm bordering on mildly psychotic. Well, so says the pdoc anyway. 

I don't really like existing, I always feel either afraid or sad or agitated or extreme fatigue and I never feel "normal." I can't really remember what it feels like just to be okay, to be happy. 

Maybe I can live on disability pension and just stay home and paint pictures, play music, read, write, eat and sleep. Well what would the point of that be, because I'd still be sad. I'm not quite sure why I can't just be a normal human. Sometimes I think it is my own fault, that I'm somehow making myself sick. Sometimes I think its the world that has the problem, not me. But in the end none of it makes any difference.

Today I woke up anxious...

Today I woke up feeling really anxious... no idea why! I didn't sleep during the night I stayed up and cleaned the house lol. Well I fell asleep at like 7am and woke up at 12.30pm, I didn't feel tired but really anxious, that horrible cloud of fear that sometimes hangs over me was there. Isn't it weird to feel petrified of nothing in particular?
Well now I've missed my lecture so I'm going to have to listen to it online. I hope I can shake this anxious thing, its pretty bad - singing with the choir in a service tonight and right now I feel randomly too scared to leave the house. Omg what is wrong with my brain. *sigh. Maybe I should go drink some coffee, should totally settle my nerves :P

Full of bloody good ideas

*yawn I'm actually really tired now!! I have been hypomanic I guess...I didn't sleep at all on Sunday night, so I was pretty hyper the next day. I had so much adrenaline coursing through my body that I was literally shaking and I had to keep going to the bathroom during my lecture.... sorry if too many details!! My pharmacology presentation was okay, I think I talked too fast and stumbling over myself a bit, but oh well. I fell asleep finally at 1am on monday night and I must have been totally tired out because I slept in until like 11am today. I felt hyperactive again when I woke up though. Mum came up at lunch time and I think she got a bit freaked out by my weird paintings from Sunday night which I proudly displayed lol not realizing how disturbing they probably were...

We went shopping in Fremantle, I got some new clothes and some art supplies for more painting/collaging! Mum nicely paid for most of it, good thing because I would have spent heaps on my own and I seriously can't afford it! But now I feel a bit guilty that she spent all this money on me. I also bought this crimson coloured ink, and I already have a calligraphy pen - I figure it'll be awesome coz it will be like writing in blood!! I announced this epic idea to Mum and A., but they looked at me like I was nuts.

Had netball tonight too, which was fun - and we won! I had so much energy, I was a good defence! :P

Made plans with R for this friday to dye my hair an epic white/silver/lilac colour, dunno if it will work lol my hair will probably fall out when I bleach it, but I don't care X) Also to have an awesome arty arvo sesh.

Tomorrow I have group therapy and am singing in a service, getting paid $70 to do it though so that's cool!

Gah I'm so annoyed that I'm feeling worn out again now, I really would like to stay up and do music practice and paint a picture! My body is so annoying with its limits, I just want to do and do! WELL I think I might go do a little bit of flute practice before sleeping, I am so behind in my music atm!

goodnight world.....

crazy

I feel bad. Trying to let out emotion etc, so I've been writing and I painted a picture today, for the first time, its terrible but who cares, I was trying to find a new way to express. I don't have a camera and the webcam on this laptop wont work for some reason, so I couldn't upload a photo here. Can't really describe it in words so I won't try.

 "A." kind of had a talk to me today about how upset he actually gets with the SH. Seriously I just don't know how else to cope, it's getting harder and harder to deal, I'm going out of my mind. I haven't felt stable for at least 10months and seriously I don't know what's going to happen to me. I can't go on like this forever, somethings gotta snap. I'm just not "normal", I can't function like other people! I know I am not alone by any stretch, so many of my friends have similar (or worse) problems. I am so tired, like mentally exhausted from trying to cope every day. Everyone thinks I'm alright, my pdoc even says to me things like "you're not at all crazy" "the intensity of your emotions is worrying but you're not mad" and last visit she said "I'd be mad to put you in Graylands." Really? Because f*ck, if I'm not mad then I'm not really sure what is. I don't even think I'd mind going in to hospital, it would be a place I could stop "trying" to function normally, like what a f*cking relief that would be to be taken care of and not worry about the stress I was putting on other people.   But I suppose I'm not "mad" enough for institutionalization. Ohmyffinggod, but I am mad if ever there was a definition for it, and I am struggling oh my god am I struggling!!

Tomorrow oh f-,  tomorrow I have to do a TALK in front of the pharmacology class. Yes good luck with that, everyone stare at the crazy girl. What if I snap and do something awkward like cry - or scream lol, I wonder what reaction that would get?? Oh but I couldn't do that to my poor other group members.

WORLD WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?? What am I supposed to do when my thoughts are like fire and ice and everything in between?? HELP oh I can keep screaming HELP as long as I like, but there's no-one or anything out there that can hear or HELP when the problem is your own existence and you can't do a damn thing about it...

But I'll try to sleep.

Stop Shivering

Stop Shivering

I want to die and I don’t want anyone to see me and I don’t want but I want something I want it all

I want to cry but I hurt too much to do it and I hate myself for existing so tenaciously and I

I am love beneath the mortar blood like wet mortar seeps and I can’t bear it not being able to see it I want

I want to drag a blade across my skin I want to bleed to death but no courage to press down you coward

Stop shivering I want to say but the trembles numb my mind my mouth feels like a swollen fruit

No way in to that garden no way out of Now If I could explode I would even if it meant they had to pick up 

the pieces

Line after line after line of madness and I sit here so calmly pill in the bottle as I don’t like surrendering

TRAPPED TRAPPED TRAPPED I feel I will scream and now there are some tears on this reflection I 

don’t like being Controlled I thought about starving myself to death but haven’t the conviction I thought 

about painting but I couldn’t I hadn’t the imagination I thought and found I was already dead nothing there I 

am a monster! Should be afraid

Of myself but I’m not there’s only anguish my legs and my arms stinging but it means nothing I don’t know what

It means and all of this is trapped inside me and I CAN’T STAND IT I can’t stand you and your casualness 

I can’t stand And don’t tell me to bloody crawl instead and I can’t listen to light because I am sick and none 

of this is helping at all Because I still want to do it and do it properly this time you have an obligation makes 

me sick I am sick with and of Guilt and you say I do it to you when I am the one when I am the one who 

lives it I want to stop it all and let the flood Gates loose I want to stop shivering and start screaming

Mixed state

Think I'm in a mixed state. I keep having these crying sessions, and then feeling really agitated and terrible. :/ Still the SH going on too, its the only way I seem to be able to cope...

Went to group therapy for the first time on Wednesday, I liked it, the other people in it seem cool. I got really anxious before I went though and SH'd. Seems to be my thing atm. My arms look pretty bad, even though they are only ever shallow cuts there are a lot of them. So I need to be pretty careful about hiding them. A. seems to have accepted it a bit, once he realized that I'm not actually suicidal when I do this.

Okay I'm feeling a bit better now. I just caused a big fight with A. by going on and on about wanting babies (I'm hyper okay), and he got reallly angry at me. Sheesh I wasn't serious, I was just TALKING about the possible future, but anyway he got really upset then we fought and I cried. Then we made up. *sigh* Life is so freaking boring and yet so dramatic at the same time. And I alternate between wanting to die and wanting to do a thousand things at once!!!!!

Yeh I dunno why I put that picture I just did.

Lol I just said to R. "If only I got paid for Pondering, I would be rich."

wow I'm so wise in my ponderings....

Scribble Paper

This is my sixth day on the new meds, zoloft and saphris. I'm sleeping better and it's way easier to get up in the morning. Unfortunately been getting bad headaches and dizziness by the afternoon, but they are getting less so hopefully just temporary side effects! I also have been bad with the SI the last couple of days, I went a bit nuts and did all up both arms and a couple on legs (only shallow). But now I'm supposed to go play netball so Oh shit. Maybe I can wear long sleeves under my netball top? Also, my Mum saw today, even though I wore long sleeves she god-forbid caught a glimpse and immediately demanded what was going on, and freaked out pretty bad.

I had a pdoc appointment today and she also noticed, but luckily she is pretty cool about it - at least doesn't have a hyperventilating fit over it lol. But she said I need to try some other coping methods, she suggested one that other patients use by getting a red pen and scribbling really hard on paper, like writing or scribbling whatever, or maybe with paint. Will have to give that one a go!

Mann SO exhausted, feel like I spent half the day driving! Better go figure out what to do about netball..

Purification

Purification

My head leans against the tiles.
Sadness glistens on my spine
on my breasts and thighs;
clear water-droplets.

A knock and a hesitant voice.
I scrub away the black eyes;
Yes, I say, because it's too late.
I should have bought a lock

To hang around my own neck.
I don't want you to see me,
but you cast aside
the shower curtain.

You don't know what you stare at.
A question. Yes, I'm alright.
Shame turns me away.
When you are gone,

I contemplate it.

Oww..

woah, I am EXTREMELY dizzy and spaced out and my head is pounding with a headache... it feels exactly like the seretonin withdrawal symptoms I once got from stopping paroxetine cold turkey.

I reallly hope this symptoms go away, I feel bloody awful lol! Gaaahhh, why can't somebody invent some psychiatric drugs that don't have all the awful side effects??!! - maybe that will be my job, if I decide to pursue medical research after uni :P

Was in orchestra rehearsal today and had to sit through three hours of loud crashing Mahler chords.... groan...

"Let's Challenge That Thought"

Went to a pdoc appointment and a therapist appointment, both on Wednesday. The pdoc had squeezed me in at lunch-time because I rang her on Tuesday saying I was feeling really down and needed to see her. Well I agreed with her that I needed to go back on meds, so I'm now taking saphris and zoloft. Hoping against hope it will do something for me!
Tried to explain to my therapist what its like for me at night, and why I put off going to bed because I know all those bad feelings are waiting to surface and that I can't take it. She pulled the whole "lets challenge that thought, the "I can't take it." How do you KNOW you can't take it?"
Oh f me LOL.

Do I really need to say any more?

Anyway, looks like the group therapy will be starting next week, at least I might be able to meet some more like-minded people? Although I feel really lucky to have such understanding friends already, sometimes I do not think I deserve such support, because I push people away when I'm not well. I also feel like maybe I am being punished with this depression because of what I did to A. at the beginning of the year. Yeh I was manic, but I really hurt someone, like REALLY hurt the one person who basically unconditionally loves me. I deserve punishment for that, I guess.

Oh, what am I even saying, I don't believe in higher power or judgement or karma or anything like that, it's just sometimes when you feel like you can't take the  pain anymore and it's like "WHY? what the hell did I do to deserve this?" '

Probably everyone in the whole world has been there

Please, Universe

It can be such a relief to cry! I've been holding it in all day at uni, with this fake smile plastered to my face. Today I actually prayed - yep, the atheist got down on her knees and prayed - to the universe or the collective consciousness or whatever - to ANYTHING - to please help me through this.

Why do I have to hurt so much? I don't know how many times I've asked that. I don't understand what or even who I am, and existence is just a huge jumbled, confused mess to me.

I think perhaps its time for yet another long hot bath, and maybe listen to that relaxation tape again.

Can I do all this again tomorrow? One thing at a time, its the only way to get through.

The Boatman

Wasn't so good again today...

But tonight I did a bit of pharmacology revision and sang/played music with A....  this beautiful gaelic song I came across on youtube, called "The Boatman":  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHe2H2WOQXs&feature=relmfu

Music never fails to lift your spirits! at least, hardly ever fails :)

All I can do at the moment is tell myself it's going to be alright. I don't exactly know what's wrong with me, but there is sadness and anguish and the SI. I know I need help, I need to see my pdoc. I think I will ring either tomorrow or tuesday.

Monday is a full day at uni...  lecture, 5hr lab, followed by choir rehearsal. Gah... you can do it Tam, one thing at a time!!


I listened to the progressive muscle relaxation tape my therapist gave me, I really liked it. Strange thing is though, whenever I do those "relaxation" type activities, meditation or whatever, I immediately start crying. When I relax, I cry. and I have no idea what I'm crying about.

Oh wow, my last post was pretty bad, I'm really sorry to anyone who might have read that. I am a lot better than yesterday, thank goodness...

I had a terrible day yesterday, the "catatonic" type depression came back and I could hardly move, I slept all day. The effort to get up to go to the bathroom, took the most massive amount of willpower and the energy of a marathon. Mum came up to help look after me, which was really nice.

Today I am still moving in slow motion, my body is so heavy... I missed orchestra rehearsal this morning :(

Anyway, today will take it easy, going out tonight for a friend's bday though. It'll be a small thing, so I should be okay. I have to go because I'm not letting anyone down again.

Deep breathing, its going to be alright!

Bad Place

I'm sad again :(.  Omfg, why couldn't I at least have had the hypomania for more than a couple of days?? What is with the super short elevated episode, I would like to know. Oh my god, what the hell did I do to deserve this? Other  people are starving and sick, and I can't handle life in a first world country. I wish I could die so that someone who deserved it, who would be grateful for being alive, could take my place.
I was mostly healed, but A. saw some recent SI marks from this week and I could tell it upset him and I felt really bad about it.

Today it was singing and more singing with the choir and I thought I would sing my vocal chords right out but I could not get out the shit that was inside of my head and my chest. I wish I could be a spirit and just take a vacation outside of my body so I could escape the poison that seems to be in there. Unless its my "soul" ("mind" whatever) that has the problem and not my "brain." What the hell, I believe they are the same thing anyway. Who exactly am I blaming? God, who I also don't believe in? My own brain, which can't help being wired that way? My lack of will power, also a product of my apparently "flawed" brain.

Omg I am sad. I am a sad piece of sh*t who can't get out of her own self-obsessed cocoon of sadness to actually do anything worthwhile with her life to help anyone.

Omg I need to get out of HERE... I'm going to take a sleeping tablet, oblivion please, just for a while!

Manic Run

Well my night/v. early morning jog wasn't as quite as good an idea as I thought...


Firstly, I decided not to wear bras because I thought it would be "liberating." Turns out even my poorly endowed chest does not respond kindly to such jostling. Sorry for the imagery.

Secondly, it was freeeeezing and the wind was howling my head off!! and I get this thing where my ears REALLY ACHE in the cold and the wind! so I ended up tying my jacket around my head like a turban to counter this.

Before I tied the jacket however, a police car strolled past and I was like omg are they going to arrest me for manic 3am jogging?? But they did not. Later I also realized that the earphones I was wearing were not connected to an ipod...
           and the unconnected chord was dangling out the bottom of my shirt. Wow I must have looked really mad!

Also I forgot my asthma spray, so its lucky I did not get an asthma attack and die.


BUT I did have some luck because as soon as I set foot back inside my house the rain started pouring!! thank goodness I did not get caught in it!


LOL look at this poster I found of a movie:

   ... totally need to see this one!!


 Hahaha.

lolll slightly manic and awake at 2am...

I tried to go to sleep but I've been lying there hyperactive as hell for two hours so!! I really want to go for a walk actually, but its really windy outside... and it rained earlier... I guess I could brave the wind! I don't want to get raped and murdered (not necessarily in that order). But I figure the best thing to do when hypomanic is to do more hyperactive things to reinforce it. 

Btw I'm going to get a tattoo with C!!! I showed her this design I liked I was thinking about, and she was amazed because it was the same one she'd been thinking of getting! It's something like this:

But I thought I'd put the words "Imagination is Life." 

"Imagination" going around the outside and under the tree, and the "is Life" going underneath the middle of those three spirals.

To give you an idea of what someone else did: 

If you can even see that; for some reason it's really tiny. Btw I also wrote this  love poem:

The Parting Note

Where he sat at the end

Sat at the end of the table,

By the moonlight he was able

Able to make out the runes,

The ruined runes that leaked like wounds

Like wounds from weeping fingertips,

Stained the inky colour of her lips.

And as he wrote he spoke.

Spoke he: I hereby send

I send the makings of my end,

My end of being and of soul.

My soul is sealed within this scroll:

A single page, a mere stage

For you; for me, in fact, my final act.

Tamara, 7th Aug 2012

Lol I can't tell if it's bad, or if it's dramatic ... is it bad? You can tell me, it's okay. Okay well I think I'm going to go off on this walk, and maybe listen to a uni lecture when I get back (accidentally missed it today, slept in... that's ironic because now I cannot for the life of me get to sleep). 

The world is extremely exciting and magical right now, how could I ever have forgotten that?? I feel like I could write and write or walk and walk... but I think mostly right now I would like to walk while perhaps writing in my head.

Goodnight, world of sane, sleeping people. Oh, how much you miss. xx

Skipping Stones

Soooo....  I may be a little bit hypomanic atm... Found it v. difficult to go to sleep the last couple of nights, particularly last night. Poor A. had to get up really early for a choir performance, and I kept him up really late, I wouldn't stop talking! And today I know I was hyperactive, and my mind gets that airy, leaping kind of feeling, like my thoughts are skipping stones that I'm flying over, and I do and say things before I even realize what I'm doing or saying. Yes yes, its elevated, for sure, but I'm not particularly "happy" either. I found this picture which summarizes it:
..... lol, so true! Probably difficult for a non-bipolar to understand, I'd imagine! My pdoc knows me well in that respect though. She said once that I always had this distinct underlying sadness, whether I was depressed, manic or anything in-between. I am sad. What is wrong with me? I think I'm basically just f*d. I don't think you can ever "un-sad" once you've been there. Not really, ever. 


But listen - that's the rain falling on the roof and it sounds amazing, and I feel cozy and safe while I sit watching the Olympics with A. Why couldn't moments like this last forever, where you are safe in your own world, and never have to worry about tomorrow? 

But didn't I have a nice day today? It was so much fun doing the bbq and walk at the river with the MH peers support group... it was hilarious watching J try to throw an afoil box at someone's football she spied in the top-most branches of a pine tree... and watching the alfoil unravel through the air. I also liked it when the seagull stole her kebab and flew towards a family with a small child, and and entire flock of seagulls racing after it and subsequently engulfing the family. XD It was a beautiful day to be at the river, too. T kept saying, Tam, you are a bit manic. Why yes, hello, but is that not much preferable than that terrible fatigue-type depression? At least if I give in to this kind of madness, I can push aside all the dark stuff. 
I would rather be madly elevated, yes let me be mad, thank  you, because it seems I only have a choice between "elevated and slightly mad" or depressed and exhausting and hurting, always hurting! I'm like a wounded child, what is wrong with me? I don't even have an excuse, nothing sufficiently terrible ever happened to me to make me like this. But I'm kind of broken, anyway! I hope I just stay mad and manic forever, so I don't have to feel the full weight of that crushing sorrow anymore. I just can't deal with it. 


So screw the whole "check your hypomania early so it doesn't turn into mania", I am not taking antipsychotics that will bring me down and make me feel terrible again, nope, bring on the madness... even at the expense of others. Yep, I'm feeling that selfish. I need to escape reality, and it looks like my brain is going to do it for me. 

The Injury in the Orchard

The Injury in the Orchard




I did not cry at the swift, final blow,
Though the full-force rocked my body and my soul,
And my heart stopped, and the red current flow
Obscured my vision and pillowed my fall.
I did not question if I deserved it
As I lay, mute, staring at the ceiling;
I watched my floating thoughts, only feeling
Stillness. And the darkness - I yearned for it.
It never came. Lights danced before my eyes;
Tauntingly, my soul recognized beauty.
Your face hovers; the questioning word dries
In the air of your silence. The fruit tree
     Was tended by my own beseeching hand;
     The fall like nothing you could understand


Tamara, Aug 2012