Do you ever?

Do you ever find yourself staring at something - it might be something totally mundane, like the cracks in the pavement, the scuff-marks on the wall, the steady trickle of water from the garden hose - and you are unable to look away? And the more you stare the more you can't stop looking and it's as though the thing you are looking at is growing and swelling, until it is all you can see? And then you feel like you are Alice-in-Wonderland, and your body is shrinking and growing until you are not sure quite where you begin and end, or how exactly you exist in relation to the thing you're looking at?

~Tam~

"Mirrors"

I feel really lonely tonight. I wish I'd organised something to do this weekend, I need to see some friends or family. My SO was out working tonight, and then fell asleep at his parents house when he went to visit, so looks like it's just me and N-dog tonight. Good thing he's so cuddly! :) Housemate J has his friend DK staying with us for a couple of weeks, but they have both gone out to a mate's house. I have been self-harming a bit lately, but the last couple of days I managed not to, because it is embaressing that people might see it - have seen it - and I wanted it to heal. I never hurt myself badly, it's just to feel something, it's comforting to see that I have blood inside me and am alive. I forget that too often.
I wonder what's wrong with me, sometimes I think that I've somehow constructed the whole thing myself - the anxiety, the sadness, instability, exhaustion - and that I should be able to fix it all accordingly. Why can't somebody show me how??
The constant exhaustion is getting to me - how can you have enthusiasm for anything when your so so tired all the time? The pdoc gave me some seroquel to help with sleep and with the skin-picking compulsive disorder thing I have (yep I'm still scratching holes in my face like a complete freak). Well, yet again it's confirmed that I can't handle antipsychotics - I take 25mg and I'm knocked out for the night, yes, but also half the next day also :S I mean, I have a choice between being unconscious from drugs, or from being conscious and exhausted. And seeing as I have to function, and go to university, I really need to be conscious. Therefor, anaethetising drugs are not really that useful, are they. SIGH.

^^Napolean looks like me on antipsychotics!

In my physiology lab at uni the other day, I had to ride on this exercise bike while having heart rate monitored, and breathing into this tube through my mouth with nose clip on - so uncomfortable! But I was really embarressed, because to check that the heart rate was recording right, someone had to check my pulse by feeling my wrist, and as a result the whole group got to see the recent scars on my arms. groooooaan. and then my heart rate was realllly high, like abnormally high, before I even started exercising - but it was because of my anxiety!! gah, so glad that lab is over.
Some good news though - Napolean (my assistant dog) is allowed to come with me to my exams - which I'm doing in a separate room to everyone. Am so relieved, I will be so much more relaxed with him there. Love my doggy so much! <3 Poor thing hasn't been well lately, I wondered why he was not interested in food, and then this morning he threw up! But he seems to be picking up now, thankfully.

In other news... I'm really liking this indi artist Emma Louise. Here is one of the songs of her latest album, called Vs Head Vs Heart - the song is called "Mirrors"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H33KDQtr3A8

Isn't she great?! I bought the full album from iitunes today, love it!

~Tam~

Weird Questions

I found this list of weird survey questions on the net, 


If you were a worm, how long would you be? Long. I would be a very long worm.

What's the size of your shoes? 8 (AU)

Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? Are you kidding?? Sometimes I even doubt my own existence!

What would you want to be written on your tombstone? "Applause"

Is your middle finger longer than your ring finger? Yes - isn't everyone's?? (*looks over at my dog's paws)

What shampoo do you use? Whatever is cheapest at the supermarket when I buy it, as I am a poor university student :( But it makes shopping choices much easier :D

What time do you normally go to bed on a working day? 11-12pm. I'm a bit of a night-owl.

What is the most distant place you've visited (from your home)? Beijing, China

In scale from 1-5, how afraid of dark are you? 2 - sometimes the dark can be a little scary, but generally I like night-time.

Explain relativity. When I answered the first question, and said I would be a "very long worm", that description of length didn't really mean anything. I should have said: "I would be a worm longer than a giraffe." Or, in wikipedia terms, space and time should be considered together and in relation to each other and the velocity of the observer. Personally I prefer my giraffe-worm analogy. Did you know, when I got my dog Paddy (who lives at my Mums now) as a puppy, when we gave her de-worming tablets, she shat out this enormous pile of huuuuuuge long worms, seriously it was the grossest thing I've ever seen. PS always worm your dogs!


Speaking of dogs, I got some really cute pictures of Napolean and Ambrose the other day:

^Napolean with his service jacket on... it's getting a bit tight around his tummy!! He is sulking because it was rainy outside.

Napolean (dog) and Ambrose (human)  having some 'bro' time :D

^lol, got 'im!!

^The picture of elegance...

Looking at pictures of these two make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world!! ><

~Tam~