My Hospital Stay - BPD??

Yep, so I ended up  (voluntarily) in the psychiatric ward... it was my first time in. That's why I haven't posted in a while... there was no internet in there. I was there for less than a week, thank goodness because I didn't cope very well with the environment in there.

Well shall I tell you the story, starting with how I got admitted?

If you've been reading my previous posts, you've probably realized that I've been increasingly depressed and suicidal for some time....
Well, I guess I finally lost the plot and made 'plans' to overdose, started writing suicide letters etc. In the meantime I cut my arms a lot. Well Mum dropped round to visit me, and found my crying hysterically covered in blood. Then my housemate walks in on top of it, takes one look at me, tells me not to worry and it's alright, and calmly goes to get some bandages etc to dress my arms (he's awesome). Anyway so I end up pouring out everything to Mum, my suicidal plans etc, and she said: "hunny, I think you might need to go into hospital for a little while."
So I ended up at the ED, crying my eyes out at the poor psychiatric nurse (well I guess she's used to it). There were no beds available, so they told me to sleep at Mum's place for a couple of nights and they'd call when there was a free bed. When I went in, I was insanely depressed. My roommate, however, was amazing. She was legally blind, was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Asperger's, and was a self-harmer like me. But she helped me so much, it was like she knew exactly what to do and say when ever I was upset ... I wish I knew what to do to help other people like that, what a gift! Unfortunately she left a couple of days after I got there. There was another lady in the ward, however, who I really liked. She reminded me sooo much of my friends Mum (also bipolar) who died a couple of years ago. The likeness in personality was amazing! I reckon she got me through that week. We did art and drank coffee together a lot. I tried very hard to treat other people well and help them as much as I could.
My mood however, was all over the place. As I said, I've been depressed for months, and I went in suicidal. Well within a couple of days I was in what I would normally call a mixed or "dysphoric" state, with wild mood swings from euphoric hypomania to hysterical crying and depression all within the same day.
I had a particularly bad night in which some of the psychotic patients started fighting with each other and it made me extremely anxious and agitated so I went to bed and put my headphones in to try and calm down. Anyway, a very nasty and irritable nurse came and snatched them from me... because apparently I was not allowed any "cords" in my room. This made me cry even harder and become more hysterical. I think I was shrieking "I WANT TO GO HOME!!!" lol. But by the next morniing I was euphoric and manic again. and so it went on....
I also self-harmed while in one of my distressed states. I found a bit of an aluminium packet (like that pills are put in) in my pocket - okay I admit I put in in there on purpose before I went - and I opened the healing cuts on my arms... so a nurse found me covered in blood and crying again.... And I was threatened that if I SH'd again I'd be put in the locked ward. This freaked me out even more. The entire place and everything about it freaked me out majorly, to be honest.
This crazy swinging between opposite moods and the self-harm lead to both Drs telling me I had a lot of Borderline Personality Disorder traits, and saying I needed to talk about that with my normal pdoc, and think about therapies in that direction. Have to wait another week now though to get an appointment with her. Now I'm confused. Have I really got Bipolar Type 1 Affective Disorder as my pdoc has always said?? or am I actually Borderline? Or both?? I have no idea... but I suppose it would affect treatment?

Well I wanted to finish on a funny note, so I wanted to add that there were some really fun moments in the ward also. There was a manic lady who liked to dance in at morning tea/coffee time and yell "FRUIT-CAKES FOR THE FRUITCAKES!!" (they always gave us wrapped fruitcake like you get in aeroplanes). One morning she also pulled out all the plants in the vegie patch, claiming to the wailing patients (who normally attended it so carefully) that she was simply "re-arranging it" because she was the gardener. I also stayed up late one night with her and another boy doing "yoga" out of a book she'd brought into the ward. The same boy wrote me a love letter which he gave to me when I was discharged. I'd known him for two days.

SO, that's the latest drama.... I am so relieved to be out. I feel good, actually surprisingly really good. I feel exactly the way Sylvia Plath describe the "bell jar" lifting from you so you can breath. I'm very behind at uni now, but have emailed my lecturers hopefully to sort something out. Tonight I hung out with some friends....
one of them was off to a halloween party, so we painted him as a skeleton with white body paint!! He has dark skin, so he wore nothing but his undies and a loin-cloth, and he looked awesome once painted! haha....

Well, at least I can't complain that my life is dull!! Who knows what will happen next??

 ~Tam~

S.I. = Seriously Interesteing

JOKES, this post isn't really all that interesting. But there is a mixture of mourning, self-injury, and armpits within, so who wouldn't want to read onwards? :)

So I'm awake yet again... at 3.45am... this is getting ridiculous, even oxazepam is not knocking me out....Well, when you can't sleep, might as well blog, right? Right now I'm listening to Dvorak's Slavonic Rhapsodies - so pretty :)

Today (or yesterday now, I suppose) would have been my brother's birthday. Some of my family were meeting at the foreshore in memory for him. I was meant to be going, but today when I woke up, I just sort of froze. I got really anxious and panicky, then depressed and lethargic. It was bad, I didn't do anything all day! Mum says she understood and didn't blame me for not coming, but I am really blaming myself, like that's pretty bad that I couldn't even get myself together for the memory of my brother :( These days I am feeling more and more like a failure. All I seem to do is bring down other people, specially Mum and A_.
I almost traumatized my poor 7-yr-old and 8-yr-old nieces as well the other day. My 8-yr-old niece saw the SI marks on one of my arms (unintentionally on my part, needless to say.) It went like this:

She: "What's that on your arm?"
Me: "Oh, nothing, just a scratch."
She: "A scratch! There's like a million things in a row!"
Me: "Hey, do you want to play ball?"
She: "Okay!"

Lol, thankgod kids are so easily diverted. Unfortunately, my nephew (who's 12, turning 13) heard the whole thing, and I'm pretty sure he sussed it out. He's smart. But hopefully he wont mention anything to his parents. I really didn't do this (SI) for attention, and besides which, it is as embarrassing as well. Who wants to talk about why they have a whole load of horizontal scars and cuts on their arms, and explain that they did it to themself, for reasons that the other person could never understand?? Exactly. No-one.
And I suppose I was an idiot not to think before doing it on my arms, because it's almost summer weather here, and in Western Australia you just canNOT survive in long sleeves - you will literally die :P I'm going to see if I can find any (extremely thin-materialed "arm-warmers" on ebay, so that I can wear singlets and aiir-out my armpits LOL while still hiding my arms. Yeh I know that will probably look sus, but so will wearing long-sleeve tops in 40+ degrees Australian summer heat, trust me. I suppose "sus" is better than displaying self-inflicted scars to the world - and worse, to family and friends.

~Tam~

BIG SCARE!! and naked body art

On Sunday night I had a massive scare...

One of my friends from my MI peer support group sent a message on fb saying "Can you take me to the hospital???" just like that, without saying what was wrong! I couldn't get hold of them after that, they went offline and my phone was broken (I'd dropped it earlier and lost the battery) so I didn't have his number to ring. I'd also forgotten the address (I am completely retarded when it comes to directions) so I couldn't drive there. Well I full-on panicked, all I could think about was What if he overdosed, or is really ill and has passed out or something, and I'm the only person that knows?? So I fb messaged everyone I could think of trying to get his contact details, no-one had them! I ran in to my housemates room shrieking "What do I do???" lol, and he was like, okay Tam, calm down, call the police and tell them everything you know, it's all you can do. So I dialed emergency and spoke to someone. Afterwards I frantically continued talking to everyone on fb to see if they could remember anything, address etc. I kept envisioning the cops breaking into my brothers house, and them and my Mum finding my brother dead on the couch...
Anyway so I embarked on a mad search for my mobile phone battery, which my housemate eventually found underneath a piece of furniture! So I called the number of the friend (who'd asked for the lift to the hospital) and he wasn't answering, which increased my panic! I went to ring the police again to tell them I had his number now, when the friend rang me back. He said: "I'm okay, I'm in hospital because I had a reaction to something, was vomiting and passing out." Omg the relief that went through me that he was okay...
I mean, horrible that he was sick, but omg I thought I was going to be responsible for my friend being dead for having a shit sense of direction.Scariest night ever! Well I rang back the police and let them know what had happened, and that he was fine. *Big sigh of relief!* The friend is back at home now and says he's feeling much better, thank goodness.

So, moving on to less dramatic matters... today I wrote a little in an exercise book while I was at uni, so I might as well chuck that here on the blog:

"Today has been a better day. I could deal with it if it was always like this! My pharm lab was easy, for once. But I had an embarrassing moment when I was washing my hands and my lab partner, C., saw my SI marks and asked "What happened to your arms??" Gah, should have known that question would come from someone at some point. Well I've actually become quite friendly with C. over the year and she already knows about my bipolar, so I just answered: "Oh, you know... just my emotional problem stuff." She seemed a bit shocked and kind of went "OH," with her eyes wide, but didn't say anything else about it. Later on she came and got a coffee with me, so she must still want to be my friend lol. Could have been worse!"

I forgot to add when I wrote this, that my Mum turned up unexpectedly at my house this morning because she knew that I'd been quite depressed lately.. thing was I was just getting ready and had to rush off to my pharmacology lab! So she drove all that way for nothing.. :/ Came home tonight to find that she'd cleaned up all of this mess that was in my room, and done all the dishes (thanks Mum!)

Tonight I haven't been able to sleep, I lay in bed for hours with no luck, so I ended up getting up to write this blog. A_ said "are you a bit manic" just because I suggested we paint our own naked bodies with acrylics (in a non-kinky way). I don't think I am, I still feel very sad, I cried tonight when I got home, just sat in the car and cried, for no reason. What's new lol. And considering I spent the last week hardly moving out of my bed, I'd say definitely not manic, although today has been a better day in comparison. I think I will ring my pdoc tomorrow, I really can't stand hurting so much anymore. I was trying to explain to A_ about my self-harming, that it just gets to the point where I hurt so much inside, relentless pain, that I just can't stand it, I have to do SOMETHING or I will break. He never really answers when I try to talk to him about these things, maybe he just doesn't know what to say.

Anyway, I better go before this turns into a novel...

~Tam~

O Motivation, When Wilt Thou Strike?

I'm so tired, tired in a way that goes beyond physical...

I had a really bad night/morning, I slept but kept waking up constantly. In the morning I woke up but I didn't get up, because I was praying to sink back into unconciousness. No luck, the result being that I moped in bed until 1pm.

However, I knew I had to get up and function because I'd invited a few friends round - for that very purpose, to make myself get up and function. Ended up having a really nice afternoon just hanging out, but I was struggling a bit by the end of the evening.

Now to bed... tomorrow I desperately need to get some uni work done, I have a test on Monday..

O motivation, when wilt thou strike?

~Tam~

Ashes

Not doing so good again today. Extreeeeme fatigue, I'm just exhausted and have absolutely no motivation to do anything at all. Yesterday I had group therapy, but in the end only three of us turned up. Went to get a coffee later with J, who showed me some writing he'd been doing. He's definitely really talented, but for some reason it made me sad as well, because it seemed to me that the creativity came out of a really vulnerable and disturbed place. Why are we (bipolars) so unstable? I hate the term "bipolar" now. Just sounds like a label to me, and doesn't tell you a damn thing about the experience.

I feel like I want to cry at the moment, but can't. I rang my Mum a couple of hours ago, and she said we were having a get-together next week to scatter my brother's ashes. My brother was bipolar too and overdosed. Mum telling me about the ashes seemed to really hit me like a blow, I don't know why, since my brother passed away  ... what is it, about three years ago now? She said she couldn't bring herself to do the ashes thing until now. We are doing it the Perth river foreshore, where me and Mum and my brother used to go walking with his cute but hyperactive dog, Jessy. I don't know if Jessy is still alive, I think my Dad took her when my brother died.

That's another thing. My Dad, who I'm not in contact with, will also be there. I hold no enemity, but he still acts like an a**hole towards Mum, and also did towards me  when I saw him at my brother's funeral. And seriously if he's nasty or cold to me on the day we scatter the ashes, I won't be able to deal with it. I'll break down. And so I'm scared. And I feel sad. And I can't focus on uni work, and I don't think I will be able to make it to choir rehearsal tonight. :( :(

I don't want to struggle anymore, I don't want anyone to struggle, it's not fair, is it?


~Tam~

The Journal of a Bipolar, Atheist, Vegetarian Vampire

Today is a day day day day day. Another one! This one is alright, its not so hot as it was yesterday... I remembered that glaring sunlight was something that did not agree with me :P I think I am a vampire. I would make an excellent vampire, if it weren't for the fact that I was a vegetarian.

I have been reading another vampire book by Anne Rice. I like the earlier books where Lestat and Louis are raging atheists. The later books become all spiritual and all about redemption. F*k that, who the hell wants to be a saintly vampire?

Today I am trying to motivate myself to do some uni work and clean the house. Its not working so far. I am, however, currently sitting here with a toner in my hair trying to get rid of the brassy yellow tones in my died hair. Yesterday I saw a girl with the exact hair colour I am trying to get, this awesome white-lilac-silver colour. I was tempted to go over and ask her how she got her hair to go that colour..

So what else has been happening in my thrilling life?? Well lets see, its been extremely hot the last couple of days, as I said - it wasn't in the morning, so I put on a long sleeve shirt of A's, and went to meet Mum, my sister and the kids at the river in Midland. There is an amazing new playground there now, like truly amazing, its enormous, more like a theme park! and entirely free for the kids, which is great. Anyway, I was totally dying as it was swelteringly hot... but I could take off the long sleeve jacket because I did not want to expose self injury marks, especially in front of the kids. My sister kept asking me why I was wearing it...

Anyway, besides the heat, it was a lovely afternoon. We went back to Mum's for dinner, too. Its nice having someone cook for you! I never cook, so I basically just snack all the time. I know, I know, unhealthy vegetarian vampire that I am.

More later.

~Tam~