Pity Party

Having a hard day today... can't seem to get myself going...

My sister, her husband and kids are back in Perth and I promised to go see them for lunch, but its already 1pm and I still can't seem to get myself together to get out the door!! God I feel so pathetic and hopeless! This damn anxiety is taking over my entire life.... Doesn't help that A. is as lazy as f*ck so he just sits around and really doesn't help motivate me or help get myself together. Sometimes I wish my S.O. had a bit more enthusiasm in general lol, I need it right now!! There's "laid back", and then there's  just "zombie." Sometimes he errs on the zombie side. Well, that makes two of us! What a great pair...

Actually yesterday I was feeling a bit better, and I performed with the youth orchestra at a concert last night. I was feeling pretty shitty during the performance, having a pounding headache was not helpful while trying to play Mahler 5. I thought Epilim was meant to help with the headaches???

Whine whine whine okay I'll go now because otherwise I'll probably just continue this self-pity party for the next hour :P

Forgive me, next post will be as POSITIVE as I can make it! X)



~Tam~

Carnivale Madness

Just watching Carvinale (the TV series) again... I love this show! Such a shame they discontinued it after a couple of series. I love the darkness and the intrigue, the blurring of lines between good and evil... truly epic! ADORE Clancy Brown as Brother Justin as well, he's amazing!

Yes I know there are a billion things I should be doing right now, like the mountain of dishes I've been avoiding all week, or all the clothes that need to be washed, or flute practice before the concert this weekend, or uni work... But I'm just sitting here instead, because its so much easier than deciding and what to do, and gathering the motivation together to do it.

This afternoon I sang with the choir for a memorial service for this ex-chancellor person of UWA. Had to sit there through all these long boring speeches, it was excrutiating! I spent the time looking around the (rather impressive) Winthrop Hall where it was held at the university, and imagining weird things... In my head I was making humungous trees sprout up from the floor, and vines and flowers go all over the walls, until the entire hall became a forrest. Then I imagined all the objects that were in the room, the chairs and tables and glasses and wine bottles all rising into the air and floating around - wouldn't it be marvelous and odd if such a thing were to happen before your eyes?

Yeh okay I'm a complete fruitcake, we know this. I spent the first half of the day crying in the shower, and planning my suicide with Epilim overdose. Unfortunately I lost the damn script, so I'll have to ring the pdoc to get another one sent out, whether I end up killing myself with it or not. Probably not, because I get too guilty about the people I'd hurt so terribly by leaving behind.

So I don't know what I'm going to do, there's stuff going on as usual, its study-break for uni but I have a concert next weekend for WAYO, also my sister and my brother-in-law and my nieces and nephews come home for two weeks (arriving on the same weekend as the concert). And their house (where I'm currently staying) is a huge mess at the moment, and the weeds in the back and front yard are like knee high. Oh dear.

At the same time I feel completely cut off from all these things. I'm just floating around in this weird dark tunnel, and every now and then I get hit with odd thoughts and then go back to being suicidal. I am so BRILLIANT at not looking crazy on the outside. If that's not a talent, then I don't know what is!

Broken Soul

I've been having a  bit of a hard time lately. The anxiety is getting kind of ridiculous, I've like completely withdrawn socially :/ The other day I had a pdoc appointment, and was prescribed Epilim. My pdoc says hopefully it should help with the anxiety and head-splitting headaches I've been getting every day! Unfort it takes a long time to kick in, and I have to work my way up to full dose, also get a blood test in a couple of weeks. I don't like the idea of getting a blood test because I have cuts up my arm from SI, and I don't know how a nurse/pathology person would react to that, would they say anything? Would I have to pre-emptively explain myself or what? - awkward. Maybe I should try not to cut for the next couple of weeks at least, so that the marks will at least have faded and not freak anyone out as much.

Anyway, so the anxiety... after my pdoc appointment I drove to uni as I had a choir rehearsal. Well I parked in the car park, and I had this anxious attack thing where I sort of froze and I couldn't get out of the car to go to rehearsal. I just sat there in the car park for like half an hour, then I went home. *Sigh. So pathetic! What is going on, I feel like I'm being a total weirdo. I also missed my friends bday party last night because I was too busy being anxious and crying continually. Gahhh so sick of this!!

I got very upset at my pdoc appointment when I saw a girl sitting out the front of the Dr's building against the wall sobbing her heart out. I stopped and said stupidly "are you okay?" - what a dumb question, right, but I didn't know what to do, so I said: "would you like me to go and get someone, or get you a drink of water from inside?" But she said no thanks she was alright, although she clearly wasn't. So I went inside and I got the receptionist and said "There's a young girl out the front who is not very well, can someone help her?" And the receptionist was like "Oh is she out there again, I didn't hear her, I usually hear her crying" :/  But she went out and called a relative I think to come and get her. My heart aches so badly to see someone in that state. Omg why do people have to hurt so much?

When I left the appointment she was still sitting out the front, waiting for someone I think. I said: "Hope you feel better soon, I do understand and I promise it will get better!" She smiled at me and said "thank you" but I felt so hopeless because I knew I could not take away her pain, could not take away anyone's pain. And though I knew there would be times when she would feel better than she did now, I also knew that mental illness rarely goes away for good. And that is so devastating, to know that we are stuck in this cycle of pain.

All last night I prayed to the non-existent gods again to make me a vessel, so that I could absorb everyone else's pain, take it away. I wouldn't mind feeling any amount of agony, if I knew it was stopping other's from suffering it. I am no use to anybody as I am, all I am good for is feeling pain, I can't seem to do anything else more active. So if only it was for the good of others! :(

Paper airplanes with Marchetti

Haven't posted for a few days again, been doing a lot since my last post... the weekend just gone I was in Geraldton with A., playing (in our flute/voice & guitar duet) for the annual Reader's and Writer's Festival. I think it went very well, we got lots of really appreciative feedback which was lovely! Also everyone seemed to really like my singing, of which I was pleasantly surprised lol, since I always kind of maintain that I'm not a "real" singer. Though I guess for folk music I do have the right type of (alto) voice. A., did a really great job too.

While I was there I experienced really terrible anxiety though, like I couldn't really talk to anyone, despite copious amounts of beta-blockers and oxazepam consumption lol. I was surrounded by all these fantastic Australian writers and I couldn't say a word to them. I was at the same dinner table as Marlina Marchetti, author of "Looking for Alibrandi", "Saving Francesca," etc, but I never even spoke to her! Omg fail, epic fail!

One pretty funny thing, though, when we were at this classy gourmet dinner, I was getting really bored despite my anxiety, and I made a paper airplane out of my name label on the table. Anyway the wife of one of the authors noticed, and thought it was a great idea, and then the entire table ended up making paper airplanes (including Marchetti) and we all went into the corridor and had a competition of whose paper plane would go the furthest. A. thought all this was hilarious, he said "trust you to start something like that, Tam", although I have a suspicion that the amount of wine consumed by the authors may have had something to do with it. Still, it makes a pretty good story.

Maybe I'll get to play at the festival again next year and I wont feel like I'm dying inside, and may actual be able to speak to people about books and writing and making a career, since its like my dream.

So we got back to Perth sunday night, and I had a presentation on a scientific paper on Monday for pharmacology!! I was sooo nervous as I had had basically no time to prepare!! I just kind of went and winged it, but I was nervous and talked fast and stumbled over my words a bit, same old lol. I was happy to find out that I managed a 70% in my mid-semester test despite not opening a book before hand. It was only multi-choice, so I'm  thinking some lucky guessing played a part in this.

Today I felt bad and very anxious and sad again, I got all uptight and worried about centrelink stuff, and finding out they will be cutting  back my payment now that I'm registered in a de-facto relationship again. I wish I was rich and did not have to worry about money.

I was being weird and reminiscent today. Instead of studying I've been mostly reading an old copy of "The Thornbirds" I found in Jen's desk. I've seen the movie, but never read it before. The way Meggie feels about Ralph, and the idea of glimpsing the magic but never being able to have it... made me cry!! There's so much emptiness in life and it seems that we bring it upon ourselves!

Maybe I'll repeat that sentiment at group therapy tomorrow, or advise everyone (again) not to fall in love with a devout religious person. From all I've heard, read and experienced, it always ends badly lol.

Anyway, its nice to be able to relax a bit after all the stressful things that have been happening, although I am behind in my lectures, I need to listen to a couple online to catch up. I should really stop writing this blog post  and listen to them now!

So, until next time...

R U OK?

It's R U OK day today http://www.ruokday.com/

I'm not quite sure what the question means! Doesn't everybody just say "yes" in response anyway? But yes what? Yes, I suppose it could be a lot worse? Yes I probably won't die today? Or YES I feel happy and well?

That last one I can't remember EVER feeling, though I suppose I must have at some point. I don't think I'm just someone who has bipolar episodes, I think my mind is like permanently damaged now. I'm looking into this dark tunnel to infinity and the emptiness and the fear are overwhelming. My mind has become a vortex. Trapped! What do I do now? Do I say I'm okay?

Yesterday I tried to get an earlier appointment with the pdoc, but again the receptionist told me they couldn't fit me in earlier than Wednesday next week. She said "R U OK?" I said, "sort of."

I don't know, am I?

At group therapy yesterday I said: "How do you deal with intrusive thoughts? How do you deal with everyday life when you're constantly thinking about how you're going to kill yourself?"

The psychologist said "can I see you after." But afterwards I told her that there were things that were stopping me from doing it: my Mum, A., and the fear of surviving with brain damage. And so that was that, went on my way.

Helphelphelphelphelp I don't think anyone can help me, because I am permanently broken. I think I am mad.

"Oh God, Tam, so DRAMATIC!"

Ohh god my head is spinning right now... went up to a higher dose of Zoloft (from 50mg to 100mg) and the HEADACHES and dizziness are incapacitating!! Paracetamol and ibuprofen don't seem to help at all.. Am hoping it will settle down again in a few days. BUT enough complaining (poor A., he's had to listen to all my complaints lately) ......
I had a good weekend! Although I was very anxious on friday night and I wasn't able to sleep at all, I still went to orchestra rehearsal the next morning. So proud that I got myself ready and drove there! :) T. came up in the afternoon, and went with me to Freo to do an interview - E., whom I met through fb, is a film student and is doing a documentary on depression, so I agreed to be interviewed for it. I was nervous to be on film, but wanted to help out. Hopefully I don't look like a complete fruitcake on it lol. I hadn't slept, so combined with the anxiety I was going a bit weird. What's new lol.

That night we also had the National Suicide Prevention Walk (by Lifeline organization) in fremantle. Had a fairly good turn out in the end. I thought it was really nice, we all met at the town hall and they had tea and coffee for us, and everyone got a free scarf or bandana. There was also a tree, where you'd write messages of hope and encouragement and attatch them to the branches. At the beginning they had a couple of little talks as well, which I thought was nice, and then we went on a short walk around Freo.

By the end of the night I had met four new people: E. and her friend M. (for the film, and they also came on the walk), V. from the support group, whom I'd only spoken to online previously - I thought she was really lovely, so happy to have met her! - and also a girl (R.) who had come by herself to the walk, and who ended up coming out to dinner with T. and I afterwards, and also joining our support group :)

Unfortunately I had to put up with the god-awful headache though... which got worse and worse through Sunday and today!

To make things worse, I realised at about midnight on Sunday that I had a pharmacology test the next day on everything we'd done so far in semester. Yep. Made a very brief attempt to study, but I swear my headache had turned almost into a migraine by then, and I just couldn't focus!! So today I just went to the test without having studied, did absolutely terrible as expected :/ I also have a seminar due next monday, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to finnish that because I am away all weekend at Geraldton doing the music gig with A. at the reader's and writers festival. AND I will miss an orchestra rehearsal that Saturday, and we have a concert the next week!!
Ahhhhh omg why does everything get so piled up, I just can't cope with it all!! The other night I said to A., “I've just had enough of it all, hey. Everything.”
And he just rolled his eyes and was like “Oh God, Tam, so DRAMATIC!” So then I did have to laugh at my own drama :P But I said: “Don't you ever feel like that? Just like “oh fuck I wish it would just end”?” And he said “NO I do not ever think that. Sometimes I wish I could fast-forward time a bit, but not END it.”
Me: “oh, okay.”
So does this mean that other people don't fantasize about their own death? lol, I mean, I do it all the time, even when I'm “okay,” or at least, appearing to function normally on the outside. I'm okay atm, I guess, except the anxiety is still pretty bad, I'm spending a lot of time in bed during the day because of it. And every time I go to sleep, I always think: “why couldn't this just be it?” and like praying that I'll just die in my sleep or something.
I mean, if truth be told, I don't really want to live - in the sense I'm just too damn tired now. I'm tired, so tired like I'm an old lady or something, I've had enough and I'm 22. It's hard to muster up much enthusiasm about struggling through the next 60 years or whatever.

I think about overdosing on Seroquel, which I have a lot of in my cupboard, but then I get freaked out by the possibility of survival with permanent brain damage. Also I think about how Mum already went through my brother's death, and that she couldn't handle another. And also poor A. would be traumatized if he found me dead or nearly dead or something.
So I just make pathetic shallow cuts on my arms instead to deal with it all. Sigh. Today I even did it at uni. Before my lab, when I felt I couldn't take it any more I went to the bathroom and cut, and it did make me feel better. I wish I could cut deeper and bleed a lot more, but I'm afraid I'll accidentally go too deep and then need medical attention or something or have to tell A. or someone that I did too deep, and it would be mortifying, embarassing, I'd feel like an idiot. I should stop talking about this because I'm probably triggering anyone who might read. I'm sorry!!! Wtf is wrong with me, I've gone from “I had a great weekend” to my suicidal thoughts to self-injury within a single blog... man I really am a fruitcake.

I am supposed to go to a choir rehearsal now, but I'd really just rather stay here in bed, ignore the world and ignore the pile of uni assignments I desperately need to do. I have been basically doing just that for the last few days, been sitting here reading “Blackwood Farm” (by Anne Rice) for hours on end. Nothing like a bit of popular gothic fiction to help you escape life, hey?

I think I should stop thinking so much about what is going to happen to me. Because everyway I look at it, it doesn't look good. (“Here she goes, the drama queen strikes again.”) I think the truth is that I want to live, I'm just too God damn pathetic to try.

ANXIETY!!!!

I am so freaking anxious. I do not think I have ever been this bad... I wonder if this is a reaction to Zoloft?? I wake up in the morning, and I am literally paralyzed with anxiety. I am frozen and I just lay there with my mind racing, and overwhelming feelings of terror and doom.

Today I was supposed to catch up with S for breakfast at Kings Park. Well I realized I had an assignment due that I had to do, and that's what I told her,  but tbh mostly it was the overwhelming anxiety that kept me from going.

I didn't move from my bed until 12pm, although I was awake for hours, I was frozen. I got up because I had group therapy in the afternoon. I made myself get up and get ready, but omg was it hard to do. I don't really know if I should have been driving there, but I did anyway.
We had two pharmacists come to the session and discuss medicines with us. I actually really enjoyed the session, more just being with the group rather than learning things, because it was basically stuff I already knew.

Unfortunately I can't get in to a psychiatrist appointment until another 2 weeks, as the receptionist told me they are totally booked out. I need to talk about this damn anxiety, its really getting me down. I'm like too terrified to do anything and leave the house most of the time. Last time I was like that Dr D. said that it was paranoia, but I don't think it is this time. I'm not having paranoid delusions or anything, but I have this constant FEAR, not in relation to any one thing, its just there, and really incapacitating! :S

I do feel a bit stressed about uni work as well. Me and A are going to geraldton next weekend to play music at a readers and writers festival, but I also have a lab report and a seminar due for pharmacology, feel a bit overwhelmed by it.

Also, how the hell am I supposed to perform music in this anxious state??

Colours

A part of me would really like to kill myself. There you go, I put that out there. I suppose everybody thinks like that sometimes. I don't think I would do it though, not unless I really lost my mind. I always have some connection to reality, even if it gets a bit warped.

Today was father's day, so I went with A. to his parents house for lunch. I was feeling very very anxious, and   had this nauseous "off" feeling, teeth-against-blackboard type feeling again. It was really bad, I couldn't really interact with anyone. A's parents had friends over too, so I hope they didn't think I was rude by not speaking. M insisted that we sing and play guitar for them, so I did it but I felt terrible doing it. I couldn't stand the sound of music today, same with the radio in the car on the way home.

A. dropped me off at home then went to a rehearsal. I watched tv series online, then I got in the bath with bath salts and I SH'd again, first time in a few days. I'd actually healed really good in that time, shame I guess. But tonight I also painted a picture, acrylic on canvas:

I am quite proud of it, it's my first canvas painting. or even "real" painting come to that. I really like just dabbling with the colours, its therapeutic, somehow.

I took an antipsychotic tonight, I'm feeling all wrong and of-hilter I know I get that when I'm bordering on mildly psychotic. Well, so says the pdoc anyway. 

I don't really like existing, I always feel either afraid or sad or agitated or extreme fatigue and I never feel "normal." I can't really remember what it feels like just to be okay, to be happy. 

Maybe I can live on disability pension and just stay home and paint pictures, play music, read, write, eat and sleep. Well what would the point of that be, because I'd still be sad. I'm not quite sure why I can't just be a normal human. Sometimes I think it is my own fault, that I'm somehow making myself sick. Sometimes I think its the world that has the problem, not me. But in the end none of it makes any difference.