crazy

I feel bad. Trying to let out emotion etc, so I've been writing and I painted a picture today, for the first time, its terrible but who cares, I was trying to find a new way to express. I don't have a camera and the webcam on this laptop wont work for some reason, so I couldn't upload a photo here. Can't really describe it in words so I won't try.

 "A." kind of had a talk to me today about how upset he actually gets with the SH. Seriously I just don't know how else to cope, it's getting harder and harder to deal, I'm going out of my mind. I haven't felt stable for at least 10months and seriously I don't know what's going to happen to me. I can't go on like this forever, somethings gotta snap. I'm just not "normal", I can't function like other people! I know I am not alone by any stretch, so many of my friends have similar (or worse) problems. I am so tired, like mentally exhausted from trying to cope every day. Everyone thinks I'm alright, my pdoc even says to me things like "you're not at all crazy" "the intensity of your emotions is worrying but you're not mad" and last visit she said "I'd be mad to put you in Graylands." Really? Because f*ck, if I'm not mad then I'm not really sure what is. I don't even think I'd mind going in to hospital, it would be a place I could stop "trying" to function normally, like what a f*cking relief that would be to be taken care of and not worry about the stress I was putting on other people.   But I suppose I'm not "mad" enough for institutionalization. Ohmyffinggod, but I am mad if ever there was a definition for it, and I am struggling oh my god am I struggling!!

Tomorrow oh f-,  tomorrow I have to do a TALK in front of the pharmacology class. Yes good luck with that, everyone stare at the crazy girl. What if I snap and do something awkward like cry - or scream lol, I wonder what reaction that would get?? Oh but I couldn't do that to my poor other group members.

WORLD WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?? What am I supposed to do when my thoughts are like fire and ice and everything in between?? HELP oh I can keep screaming HELP as long as I like, but there's no-one or anything out there that can hear or HELP when the problem is your own existence and you can't do a damn thing about it...

But I'll try to sleep.