Skipping Stones

Soooo....  I may be a little bit hypomanic atm... Found it v. difficult to go to sleep the last couple of nights, particularly last night. Poor A. had to get up really early for a choir performance, and I kept him up really late, I wouldn't stop talking! And today I know I was hyperactive, and my mind gets that airy, leaping kind of feeling, like my thoughts are skipping stones that I'm flying over, and I do and say things before I even realize what I'm doing or saying. Yes yes, its elevated, for sure, but I'm not particularly "happy" either. I found this picture which summarizes it:
..... lol, so true! Probably difficult for a non-bipolar to understand, I'd imagine! My pdoc knows me well in that respect though. She said once that I always had this distinct underlying sadness, whether I was depressed, manic or anything in-between. I am sad. What is wrong with me? I think I'm basically just f*d. I don't think you can ever "un-sad" once you've been there. Not really, ever. 


But listen - that's the rain falling on the roof and it sounds amazing, and I feel cozy and safe while I sit watching the Olympics with A. Why couldn't moments like this last forever, where you are safe in your own world, and never have to worry about tomorrow? 

But didn't I have a nice day today? It was so much fun doing the bbq and walk at the river with the MH peers support group... it was hilarious watching J try to throw an afoil box at someone's football she spied in the top-most branches of a pine tree... and watching the alfoil unravel through the air. I also liked it when the seagull stole her kebab and flew towards a family with a small child, and and entire flock of seagulls racing after it and subsequently engulfing the family. XD It was a beautiful day to be at the river, too. T kept saying, Tam, you are a bit manic. Why yes, hello, but is that not much preferable than that terrible fatigue-type depression? At least if I give in to this kind of madness, I can push aside all the dark stuff. 
I would rather be madly elevated, yes let me be mad, thank  you, because it seems I only have a choice between "elevated and slightly mad" or depressed and exhausting and hurting, always hurting! I'm like a wounded child, what is wrong with me? I don't even have an excuse, nothing sufficiently terrible ever happened to me to make me like this. But I'm kind of broken, anyway! I hope I just stay mad and manic forever, so I don't have to feel the full weight of that crushing sorrow anymore. I just can't deal with it. 


So screw the whole "check your hypomania early so it doesn't turn into mania", I am not taking antipsychotics that will bring me down and make me feel terrible again, nope, bring on the madness... even at the expense of others. Yep, I'm feeling that selfish. I need to escape reality, and it looks like my brain is going to do it for me.