Bad Place

I'm sad again :(.  Omfg, why couldn't I at least have had the hypomania for more than a couple of days?? What is with the super short elevated episode, I would like to know. Oh my god, what the hell did I do to deserve this? Other  people are starving and sick, and I can't handle life in a first world country. I wish I could die so that someone who deserved it, who would be grateful for being alive, could take my place.
I was mostly healed, but A. saw some recent SI marks from this week and I could tell it upset him and I felt really bad about it.

Today it was singing and more singing with the choir and I thought I would sing my vocal chords right out but I could not get out the shit that was inside of my head and my chest. I wish I could be a spirit and just take a vacation outside of my body so I could escape the poison that seems to be in there. Unless its my "soul" ("mind" whatever) that has the problem and not my "brain." What the hell, I believe they are the same thing anyway. Who exactly am I blaming? God, who I also don't believe in? My own brain, which can't help being wired that way? My lack of will power, also a product of my apparently "flawed" brain.

Omg I am sad. I am a sad piece of sh*t who can't get out of her own self-obsessed cocoon of sadness to actually do anything worthwhile with her life to help anyone.

Omg I need to get out of HERE... I'm going to take a sleeping tablet, oblivion please, just for a while!