Bloglovin

Apparantly google reader is shutting down or something, so if you want to keep your blog reading list, you need to activate your account http://www.bloglovin.com and reselect the blogs you want to follow.

Please add me again! :)



~Tam~

Dramadrama

Had another horrible encounter with the neighbour on sunday, I won't talk about it because I'd rather try and forget it now, but in short my SO and I have decided to try and find another home for our great dane x Blair. I'm completely devastated, I just don't know what else to do. We've tried everything we can think of to stop the fence jumping, and it's still happening, and the neighbours are mad and our real-estate agent says we have to get rid of her.... :( :( :( I'm so sad!!!

I've advertised her on gumtree but I'm going to ring a few local pet shelters and see if they will advertise for us as well. I don't want to give her to a shelter, I want to "foster" her here until she finds a new wonderful home, that has the facilities to cope with the fence-jumping. Maybe someone else will be better able to train her and to work on her aggression toward other dogs. I feel like a failure and that I have let my beautiful Blair down :( :(

Anyway I had a psychologist appointment the other day, and that was very helpful because I was feeling so down. I cried a lot during the session but felt a lot better afterwards, although still so so sad about what's happened with my dog. Thank God Napolean does not jump fences, I would NEVER give him up!!!!!! JUST LET ANYONE TRY MAKE ME lol. He's my Assistant Dog anyway, and he is so lovely and gentle, no-one could ever have a problem with him. <3

For now Blair is just on a super long lead (got like 6 long leads all joined together lol) so that she can run around the back yard and go in the back games room but not jump the fence when I am not looking!!

Anyway, I have to go as A. and I are going to visit a family friend, he recently had seizures and had to go to hospital, but is home again now thank goodness! We bought a card and and some edible goodies for him :)

Bye for now!

~Tam~

Shitty morning

I'm sitting here in bed snuggled up to my two dogs. My housemate is probably going to have a fit when he finds out they're inside, but I'm just going to tell him to F_ off. I needed them, and its raining outside.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt I was crawling up the side of this steep mountain, but I was so absolutely exhausted that my limbs would hardly move... I was straining and straining until I was sure I couldn't go any further. But there was someone there beside me, egging me on, saying that I only thought I couldn't go on, and that if I believed I could do it I would. I was trying to listen to them, and to make myself believe that I had more energy, but my limbs were so heavy...
I woke up here, so I don't know if I reached the top of the mountain or not - or maybe I'm still climbing in my waking life?? (woah so deep man haha).



Exams are over, and my choir went to gingin yesterday for a small performance, which was fun. What was not fun was waking up this morning to find the neighbour at the front door yelling at me because my dog Blair had jumped the fence despite the blockade I put there, and was running up and down the street barking at people. The lady was really mean, like really yelling at me and abusing me it was awful. I tried to be respectful and I apologised and explained that we'd adopted her, and she had some anxiety problems, but we were in the process of buying a boundary collar which would prevent her escaping. But the lady didn't listen just yelled over me and eventually stormed off.

I was really shaken up, so I made some coffee and as it was freezing and about to rain outside I let Napolean sit in the kitchen under the table while I drank it. But of course my housemate J. came in and had a fit because the dog was inside, and dragged him out. Then he started going on at me for leaving one of the lights on in the house: he's like: "If you're going to get up at midnight, can you at least turn the lights off after yourself?" I was so upset already that I didn't even point out that I  hadn't got up at "midnight", I'd got up in the morning when it was still quite gloomy so I put the light on. He can be a bit of a prat sometimes. To make matters worse, as I was sitting at my laptop looking up dog wireless boundary collars, my SO comes and was acting all shitty and saying we didn't need to get a boundary collar, and I was getting more and more wound up. We made up,  but I went in the shower and cried for a long time. I also started to cut myself with scissors but I stopped because I remember what my pschologist said about SH as a way to avoid what your feeling rather than accepting your emotions and moving through them. So I tried some mindfulness techniques, and concentrated on the feel and the sound of the water in the shower, and tried to breath slowly, but I still couldn't stop crying.

Then I brought my dogs into my room and have been snuggling with them, which is very comforting :) A.(my SO) just came in and said that housemate J bitched to him about my having the dogs in, and said he was adamantly against letting them inside. A. explained to him that he was letting me have the dogs in when I needed them and was doing his best not to let it effect J. Which in truth be told, it doesn't effect J. in the slightest, I mean they are not in his room, and are rarely in mine for that matter, so I basically think J. can get f*kd. A. also told J. that he really upset me this morning, and rather than berrating me for minor crap could of at least asked me if I was okay after that bitch lady yelled at me. Too true, J. If you don't like living here, then Fk off and get out. 

End rant.

Tam + Dogs 4eva <3 <3


~Tam~

Something's Broken

My physiology exam this morning was way more difficult that I expected! I studied hard for a week before hand, only to be completely stumped by a number of questions... :/ I'm so annoyed because I wanted to do well in the unit, but judging from how I went in the exam today I don't think I'm going to get the greatest mark. Well, I suppose I'll pass, which is the main thing! Still it would be nice to keep up good grades so that I can get into the science honours program later if I want to.
2 exams to go: Neuroscience, and then Mental Well-Being In Today's World - a broadening unit that I took, which should not be too difficult. I mean, I'm an expert on lack-of-mental-wellness LOL!

Speaking of which, I went a bit nuts this weekend past and was really depressed and cut my legs and arms a fair bit :( But I'm a lot better now. I think I was triggered because my cousin is coming over from england and is staying with my Dad (I haven't been in contact with my Dad since I was 11), so we were trying to arrange for me to come pick her up from Dad's, and at the same time re-establish a relationship with Dad and meet his wife and my half-brothers for the first time. Of course this resulted in me going into a fit of extreme anxiousness followed by self-doubt and depression, I am f*cking pathetic, aren't I? I mean wtf, I can't cope with ANYTHING that might be stressful without ending up with scars on my body... it's so lame and getting really old. Why am I so weak and broken??

 I think there is something wrong with me inside. Well yes, I know there is, it's called Bipolar Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety.... In a word, NUTS!! lol. (no offence to anyone else with these disorders, am only referring to myself as nuts here!) and I hate that I am STILL at the mercy of these conditions. Drs keep saying to me: "But you're so intelligent!!" as in, I'm smart so I should be smart enough to manage the condition and shouldnt be doing stupid things like self-harm and suicide attempts. I wish they would stop saying this because it makes me feel like a pathetic loser for not being able to take care of myself and shoulder some responsibility like a normal adult. *Sigh.

ANYWAY, enough self-berrating for now....

I can't wait 'til exams are all over! It will be so nice to have some time to do other non-uni related things - I want to do some more work in the garden, plant some more plants.... go through and throw out my old clothes, and generally get the house in order... do some art, some writing, some music practice... just STUFF! stuff that's fun and not stressful. Yee!
I will just not think about the looming meetup with my Dad coming after exams, gah!


Well, for now - Au-reviour!



~Tam~


creepy picture I found on Deviant Art, by Jane Moth: Summarises how I feel!

Attention Def..... HI DOG! DOGDOGDOGDOG

I'm writing here so I can hopefully clear my head a little so that I can study. It has been so difficult for me, I just cannot get my brain to focus at all... it's like major ADHD time for me atm (which, btw, I probably also have, according to my drs and therapist lol) which means that I'm staring at a line of notes  as if its a different language, unable to make head nor tale of it! Same with trying to listen to lectures online; my mind is all over the place and I cannot concentrate enough on one thing to be able to understand whats going on... GAH! So frustrating!

My brain in summary:

I've always had a lot of trouble with concentration and focus, but I think it may be particular bad because I'm feeling so anxious. I just found out that the ANAM (Australian National Academy of Music) auditions are in 2 weeks, and I applied at the last minute, and now am frantically trying to find all the accompaniment music I need, and arrange a rehearsal prior to the actual audition - not to mention that I am completely unprepared because I have hardly been practicing flute this year :S I'm tossing up whether or not just to scrap the audition - but I wanted to apply for ANAM so bad!! I can't believe they are doing the auditions so early in the year this time, it was completely unexpected and I hadn't planned for it - it's right smack in the middle of my uni exams too.

So there's that to worry about, and then my 3 exams I need to prepare for, and my brain wont concentrate for some reason, which makes me more anxious, which makes it even harder to focus, in a viscious never-ending cycle!!! Ahhhh help!!!

I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday morning thank the lord Jesus lol, so maybe he can help me figure out how to calm tf down and FOCUS!

I don't think I really have anything else to write about, I haven't been doing anything except trying to study and fail, and taking the dogs for walks.

I thought writing this down might help but I don't feel much better :/

Anyway, off to TRY and actually get some study done for once...



~Tam~

New Blogs and Extra Dogs

Hi!

I started a new blog where I can be ultra weird and dramatic, philosophical and somewhat gothic. Not that I can't do that here, but I figure this blog is more like my every day stuff, where I can just spill BS and not be bothered about correct grammar and writing style and what-not... whereas the new one is like: "Tam's weird thoughts." not that I called it that. I called it "Perdita, the lost one,"
because perdita means "lost one" in latin, and because Perdita was a character in Shakespear's play "The Winter Tale."Anyway I thought it sounded kind of romantic so it became the title of my second blog. If you want to check it out, it's here:

http://perditathelostone.wordpress.com

I've only just started in though, so there's only one (short) blog so far. Anyway, I'll mostly continue to use this blog, I'll only use the new one for occasional weird, dramatic and somewhat flowery ponderings.

So anyway, I was going to write about my day... This morning I was woken up early by Napolean making these unbelievably annoying howling noises, and he would not shut up even when I yelled from my bedroom - went something like this:

Napolean: "a-ROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

me: "SHUT THE HELL UP NAPOLEAN!!"

Napolean: "A-ROO-ROO-ROO-ROO-ROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

Me: "Oh for f*ck's sake...."

so I got up and went outside, and what do I see?? THREE dogs instead of the expected 2 that normally live in my backyard. So I figured it was one of my neighbours dogs, but when I knocked on their door there was no-one home. I eventually figured out that the misterious dog had a tag on with his name (Duncan) and a phone number. So I rang the number and a lady answered, who then confirmed that she was my neighbour. Since she was out at work, I took Duncan back to his yard and locked the gate safely behind him! :)

So after that lil' adventure, I went to my psychologist appointment, where I was supposed to be learning about "facing and accepting my emotions" rather than fighting them. I don't know... anyway I don't really feel like talking about my therapy session or emotional problems right now...

I took Napolean to the beach today, and then me and A. walked both the dogs at the park and bought some chocolate from the shop, yum! :) We have netball soon, so I figure we can work off the chocolate hehe.

Well, I'm off!! 

~Tam~