Carnivale Madness

Just watching Carvinale (the TV series) again... I love this show! Such a shame they discontinued it after a couple of series. I love the darkness and the intrigue, the blurring of lines between good and evil... truly epic! ADORE Clancy Brown as Brother Justin as well, he's amazing!

Yes I know there are a billion things I should be doing right now, like the mountain of dishes I've been avoiding all week, or all the clothes that need to be washed, or flute practice before the concert this weekend, or uni work... But I'm just sitting here instead, because its so much easier than deciding and what to do, and gathering the motivation together to do it.

This afternoon I sang with the choir for a memorial service for this ex-chancellor person of UWA. Had to sit there through all these long boring speeches, it was excrutiating! I spent the time looking around the (rather impressive) Winthrop Hall where it was held at the university, and imagining weird things... In my head I was making humungous trees sprout up from the floor, and vines and flowers go all over the walls, until the entire hall became a forrest. Then I imagined all the objects that were in the room, the chairs and tables and glasses and wine bottles all rising into the air and floating around - wouldn't it be marvelous and odd if such a thing were to happen before your eyes?

Yeh okay I'm a complete fruitcake, we know this. I spent the first half of the day crying in the shower, and planning my suicide with Epilim overdose. Unfortunately I lost the damn script, so I'll have to ring the pdoc to get another one sent out, whether I end up killing myself with it or not. Probably not, because I get too guilty about the people I'd hurt so terribly by leaving behind.

So I don't know what I'm going to do, there's stuff going on as usual, its study-break for uni but I have a concert next weekend for WAYO, also my sister and my brother-in-law and my nieces and nephews come home for two weeks (arriving on the same weekend as the concert). And their house (where I'm currently staying) is a huge mess at the moment, and the weeds in the back and front yard are like knee high. Oh dear.

At the same time I feel completely cut off from all these things. I'm just floating around in this weird dark tunnel, and every now and then I get hit with odd thoughts and then go back to being suicidal. I am so BRILLIANT at not looking crazy on the outside. If that's not a talent, then I don't know what is!