"Let's Challenge That Thought"

Went to a pdoc appointment and a therapist appointment, both on Wednesday. The pdoc had squeezed me in at lunch-time because I rang her on Tuesday saying I was feeling really down and needed to see her. Well I agreed with her that I needed to go back on meds, so I'm now taking saphris and zoloft. Hoping against hope it will do something for me!
Tried to explain to my therapist what its like for me at night, and why I put off going to bed because I know all those bad feelings are waiting to surface and that I can't take it. She pulled the whole "lets challenge that thought, the "I can't take it." How do you KNOW you can't take it?"
Oh f me LOL.

Do I really need to say any more?

Anyway, looks like the group therapy will be starting next week, at least I might be able to meet some more like-minded people? Although I feel really lucky to have such understanding friends already, sometimes I do not think I deserve such support, because I push people away when I'm not well. I also feel like maybe I am being punished with this depression because of what I did to A. at the beginning of the year. Yeh I was manic, but I really hurt someone, like REALLY hurt the one person who basically unconditionally loves me. I deserve punishment for that, I guess.

Oh, what am I even saying, I don't believe in higher power or judgement or karma or anything like that, it's just sometimes when you feel like you can't take the  pain anymore and it's like "WHY? what the hell did I do to deserve this?" '

Probably everyone in the whole world has been there