R U OK?

It's R U OK day today http://www.ruokday.com/

I'm not quite sure what the question means! Doesn't everybody just say "yes" in response anyway? But yes what? Yes, I suppose it could be a lot worse? Yes I probably won't die today? Or YES I feel happy and well?

That last one I can't remember EVER feeling, though I suppose I must have at some point. I don't think I'm just someone who has bipolar episodes, I think my mind is like permanently damaged now. I'm looking into this dark tunnel to infinity and the emptiness and the fear are overwhelming. My mind has become a vortex. Trapped! What do I do now? Do I say I'm okay?

Yesterday I tried to get an earlier appointment with the pdoc, but again the receptionist told me they couldn't fit me in earlier than Wednesday next week. She said "R U OK?" I said, "sort of."

I don't know, am I?

At group therapy yesterday I said: "How do you deal with intrusive thoughts? How do you deal with everyday life when you're constantly thinking about how you're going to kill yourself?"

The psychologist said "can I see you after." But afterwards I told her that there were things that were stopping me from doing it: my Mum, A., and the fear of surviving with brain damage. And so that was that, went on my way.

Helphelphelphelphelp I don't think anyone can help me, because I am permanently broken. I think I am mad.