Ashes

Not doing so good again today. Extreeeeme fatigue, I'm just exhausted and have absolutely no motivation to do anything at all. Yesterday I had group therapy, but in the end only three of us turned up. Went to get a coffee later with J, who showed me some writing he'd been doing. He's definitely really talented, but for some reason it made me sad as well, because it seemed to me that the creativity came out of a really vulnerable and disturbed place. Why are we (bipolars) so unstable? I hate the term "bipolar" now. Just sounds like a label to me, and doesn't tell you a damn thing about the experience.

I feel like I want to cry at the moment, but can't. I rang my Mum a couple of hours ago, and she said we were having a get-together next week to scatter my brother's ashes. My brother was bipolar too and overdosed. Mum telling me about the ashes seemed to really hit me like a blow, I don't know why, since my brother passed away  ... what is it, about three years ago now? She said she couldn't bring herself to do the ashes thing until now. We are doing it the Perth river foreshore, where me and Mum and my brother used to go walking with his cute but hyperactive dog, Jessy. I don't know if Jessy is still alive, I think my Dad took her when my brother died.

That's another thing. My Dad, who I'm not in contact with, will also be there. I hold no enemity, but he still acts like an a**hole towards Mum, and also did towards me  when I saw him at my brother's funeral. And seriously if he's nasty or cold to me on the day we scatter the ashes, I won't be able to deal with it. I'll break down. And so I'm scared. And I feel sad. And I can't focus on uni work, and I don't think I will be able to make it to choir rehearsal tonight. :( :(

I don't want to struggle anymore, I don't want anyone to struggle, it's not fair, is it?


~Tam~