Broken Soul

I've been having a  bit of a hard time lately. The anxiety is getting kind of ridiculous, I've like completely withdrawn socially :/ The other day I had a pdoc appointment, and was prescribed Epilim. My pdoc says hopefully it should help with the anxiety and head-splitting headaches I've been getting every day! Unfort it takes a long time to kick in, and I have to work my way up to full dose, also get a blood test in a couple of weeks. I don't like the idea of getting a blood test because I have cuts up my arm from SI, and I don't know how a nurse/pathology person would react to that, would they say anything? Would I have to pre-emptively explain myself or what? - awkward. Maybe I should try not to cut for the next couple of weeks at least, so that the marks will at least have faded and not freak anyone out as much.

Anyway, so the anxiety... after my pdoc appointment I drove to uni as I had a choir rehearsal. Well I parked in the car park, and I had this anxious attack thing where I sort of froze and I couldn't get out of the car to go to rehearsal. I just sat there in the car park for like half an hour, then I went home. *Sigh. So pathetic! What is going on, I feel like I'm being a total weirdo. I also missed my friends bday party last night because I was too busy being anxious and crying continually. Gahhh so sick of this!!

I got very upset at my pdoc appointment when I saw a girl sitting out the front of the Dr's building against the wall sobbing her heart out. I stopped and said stupidly "are you okay?" - what a dumb question, right, but I didn't know what to do, so I said: "would you like me to go and get someone, or get you a drink of water from inside?" But she said no thanks she was alright, although she clearly wasn't. So I went inside and I got the receptionist and said "There's a young girl out the front who is not very well, can someone help her?" And the receptionist was like "Oh is she out there again, I didn't hear her, I usually hear her crying" :/  But she went out and called a relative I think to come and get her. My heart aches so badly to see someone in that state. Omg why do people have to hurt so much?

When I left the appointment she was still sitting out the front, waiting for someone I think. I said: "Hope you feel better soon, I do understand and I promise it will get better!" She smiled at me and said "thank you" but I felt so hopeless because I knew I could not take away her pain, could not take away anyone's pain. And though I knew there would be times when she would feel better than she did now, I also knew that mental illness rarely goes away for good. And that is so devastating, to know that we are stuck in this cycle of pain.

All last night I prayed to the non-existent gods again to make me a vessel, so that I could absorb everyone else's pain, take it away. I wouldn't mind feeling any amount of agony, if I knew it was stopping other's from suffering it. I am no use to anybody as I am, all I am good for is feeling pain, I can't seem to do anything else more active. So if only it was for the good of others! :(