So I'm awake yet again... at 3.45am... this is getting ridiculous, even oxazepam is not knocking me out....Well, when you can't sleep, might as well blog, right? Right now I'm listening to Dvorak's Slavonic Rhapsodies - so pretty :)
Today (or yesterday now, I suppose) would have been my brother's birthday. Some of my family were meeting at the foreshore in memory for him. I was meant to be going, but today when I woke up, I just sort of froze. I got really anxious and panicky, then depressed and lethargic. It was bad, I didn't do anything all day! Mum says she understood and didn't blame me for not coming, but I am really blaming myself, like that's pretty bad that I couldn't even get myself together for the memory of my brother :( These days I am feeling more and more like a failure. All I seem to do is bring down other people, specially Mum and A_.
I almost traumatized my poor 7-yr-old and 8-yr-old nieces as well the other day. My 8-yr-old niece saw the SI marks on one of my arms (unintentionally on my part, needless to say.) It went like this:
She: "What's that on your arm?"
Me: "Oh, nothing, just a scratch."
She: "A scratch! There's like a million things in a row!"
Me: "Hey, do you want to play ball?"
She: "Okay!"
Lol, thankgod kids are so easily diverted. Unfortunately, my nephew (who's 12, turning 13) heard the whole thing, and I'm pretty sure he sussed it out. He's smart. But hopefully he wont mention anything to his parents. I really didn't do this (SI) for attention, and besides which, it is as embarrassing as well. Who wants to talk about why they have a whole load of horizontal scars and cuts on their arms, and explain that they did it to themself, for reasons that the other person could never understand?? Exactly. No-one.
And I suppose I was an idiot not to think before doing it on my arms, because it's almost summer weather here, and in Western Australia you just canNOT survive in long sleeves - you will literally die :P I'm going to see if I can find any (extremely thin-materialed "arm-warmers" on ebay, so that I can wear singlets and aiir-out my armpits LOL while still hiding my arms. Yeh I know that will probably look sus, but so will wearing long-sleeve tops in 40+ degrees Australian summer heat, trust me. I suppose "sus" is better than displaying self-inflicted scars to the world - and worse, to family and friends.
~Tam~
I tried to leave this comment earlier but my browser wouldn't allow me. But anyway here we are now so here goes:~~~~~~~
ReplyDeleteWaking up at ridiculously early times... I can relate to that.
One question, in depression, do you tend to sleep too long, too short, or both at different times and if so how/when?
Usually I know when depression is coming because I start sleeping 12 hours at a stretch. Gradually it gets longer and longer until it's 17 hours or so, usually in 2 shifts. I can try keeping myself awake but it never works, I just catch up and end up paying the Bank Of Sleep back and with interest...
Hypo/mania nearly always makes me sleep less. Though I do remember being medicated at the tail end of the big manic episode I had last year, sleeping a good 10 hours a night and STILL being noticably hypomanic all day and as far as I remember that pattern went on for a few weeks. I have learned there are NO generalizations because every rule I think the condition has gets broken at some point.
The famous book by Emil Kraepelin, Manic Depressive Insanity and Paranoia, to which there's a link on my sidebar, points out that symptoms cycle separately from one another, which explains mixed states and all...
Hope you're feeling OK today, take care :-)
Thanks Gled! Well usually I'm the same as you, sleep wayyy more when depressed, hardly get out of bed at all, night and day! but lately I just cannot get to sleep... I lie in bed for hours and hours, eventually fall asleep at about 7am and end up sleeping until midday. I've tried getting up when I can't sleep, doing something else, coming back to bed.... nope, doesn't work. My sleeping tablets aren't working, so I think I will ask for something stronger from my pdoc!
ReplyDeleteThat's definitely true what you said, there really are no generalizations, and one episode can be completely different to another, even for the same person! I might check out that book, looks interesting!
I am very sad lately, but I'm listening to and playing a lot of music, which helps :) also so proud of myself for going for a walk today :P I hope you are well too, and that you are sleeping better than me! :)