"Oh God, Tam, so DRAMATIC!"

Ohh god my head is spinning right now... went up to a higher dose of Zoloft (from 50mg to 100mg) and the HEADACHES and dizziness are incapacitating!! Paracetamol and ibuprofen don't seem to help at all.. Am hoping it will settle down again in a few days. BUT enough complaining (poor A., he's had to listen to all my complaints lately) ......
I had a good weekend! Although I was very anxious on friday night and I wasn't able to sleep at all, I still went to orchestra rehearsal the next morning. So proud that I got myself ready and drove there! :) T. came up in the afternoon, and went with me to Freo to do an interview - E., whom I met through fb, is a film student and is doing a documentary on depression, so I agreed to be interviewed for it. I was nervous to be on film, but wanted to help out. Hopefully I don't look like a complete fruitcake on it lol. I hadn't slept, so combined with the anxiety I was going a bit weird. What's new lol.

That night we also had the National Suicide Prevention Walk (by Lifeline organization) in fremantle. Had a fairly good turn out in the end. I thought it was really nice, we all met at the town hall and they had tea and coffee for us, and everyone got a free scarf or bandana. There was also a tree, where you'd write messages of hope and encouragement and attatch them to the branches. At the beginning they had a couple of little talks as well, which I thought was nice, and then we went on a short walk around Freo.

By the end of the night I had met four new people: E. and her friend M. (for the film, and they also came on the walk), V. from the support group, whom I'd only spoken to online previously - I thought she was really lovely, so happy to have met her! - and also a girl (R.) who had come by herself to the walk, and who ended up coming out to dinner with T. and I afterwards, and also joining our support group :)

Unfortunately I had to put up with the god-awful headache though... which got worse and worse through Sunday and today!

To make things worse, I realised at about midnight on Sunday that I had a pharmacology test the next day on everything we'd done so far in semester. Yep. Made a very brief attempt to study, but I swear my headache had turned almost into a migraine by then, and I just couldn't focus!! So today I just went to the test without having studied, did absolutely terrible as expected :/ I also have a seminar due next monday, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to finnish that because I am away all weekend at Geraldton doing the music gig with A. at the reader's and writers festival. AND I will miss an orchestra rehearsal that Saturday, and we have a concert the next week!!
Ahhhhh omg why does everything get so piled up, I just can't cope with it all!! The other night I said to A., “I've just had enough of it all, hey. Everything.”
And he just rolled his eyes and was like “Oh God, Tam, so DRAMATIC!” So then I did have to laugh at my own drama :P But I said: “Don't you ever feel like that? Just like “oh fuck I wish it would just end”?” And he said “NO I do not ever think that. Sometimes I wish I could fast-forward time a bit, but not END it.”
Me: “oh, okay.”
So does this mean that other people don't fantasize about their own death? lol, I mean, I do it all the time, even when I'm “okay,” or at least, appearing to function normally on the outside. I'm okay atm, I guess, except the anxiety is still pretty bad, I'm spending a lot of time in bed during the day because of it. And every time I go to sleep, I always think: “why couldn't this just be it?” and like praying that I'll just die in my sleep or something.
I mean, if truth be told, I don't really want to live - in the sense I'm just too damn tired now. I'm tired, so tired like I'm an old lady or something, I've had enough and I'm 22. It's hard to muster up much enthusiasm about struggling through the next 60 years or whatever.

I think about overdosing on Seroquel, which I have a lot of in my cupboard, but then I get freaked out by the possibility of survival with permanent brain damage. Also I think about how Mum already went through my brother's death, and that she couldn't handle another. And also poor A. would be traumatized if he found me dead or nearly dead or something.
So I just make pathetic shallow cuts on my arms instead to deal with it all. Sigh. Today I even did it at uni. Before my lab, when I felt I couldn't take it any more I went to the bathroom and cut, and it did make me feel better. I wish I could cut deeper and bleed a lot more, but I'm afraid I'll accidentally go too deep and then need medical attention or something or have to tell A. or someone that I did too deep, and it would be mortifying, embarassing, I'd feel like an idiot. I should stop talking about this because I'm probably triggering anyone who might read. I'm sorry!!! Wtf is wrong with me, I've gone from “I had a great weekend” to my suicidal thoughts to self-injury within a single blog... man I really am a fruitcake.

I am supposed to go to a choir rehearsal now, but I'd really just rather stay here in bed, ignore the world and ignore the pile of uni assignments I desperately need to do. I have been basically doing just that for the last few days, been sitting here reading “Blackwood Farm” (by Anne Rice) for hours on end. Nothing like a bit of popular gothic fiction to help you escape life, hey?

I think I should stop thinking so much about what is going to happen to me. Because everyway I look at it, it doesn't look good. (“Here she goes, the drama queen strikes again.”) I think the truth is that I want to live, I'm just too God damn pathetic to try.