Alien Tam

Today began with A. dragging me out of bed by my feet at 12.15pm... it was a good move because I would likely have not got up at all!! Damn this apathy... just no motivation for anything at all! I am so SICK of being so tired, and so sad... God know one realizes how hard I actually have to try to function normally, to appear normal... in all honesty I'm not really "present" at all most of the time. Someone is talking to me and I feel like there is a glass wall between them and me, it's this huge effort just to figure out what they are saying... I feel like a freaking alien most of the time... 

... with human communication issues. Not sure how group therapy will go, although that doesn't start until the end of August now, meaning I have three more one-on-one sessions - oh no. Although we are just trying to work on relaxation and sleep patterns at the moment, which I like better than the whole "thought-analysis" CBT stuff, which really hasn't been doing it for me lately. 


J, L and the kids left this morning for China, didn't see them of at the airport as it was a really early flight. But did spend the afternoon with them yesterday, which was great omgosh I could not stop feeling sad! I hate myself so much sometimes; I feel like it is somehow my fault that I feel so detached from everyone. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just snap myself out of it? I try so hard!! and it's never enough. :( :(


I wish I could forget myself. I wish I could forget my whole past, and just become a blank canvas, start anew. I thought about attempting this, but my therapist ruined the dream immediately when she brought up something from the not-so-distant past I've been trying desperately to forget. I felt like weeping when she so-casually narrated it for me yet again. Yep, it's official... sadness from your past will never, ever leave you, no matter how earnestly you try to run from it. I was musing over the immense impact everything has and has had on me, when I wrote this:

Interval

My favourite colour is deepest sapphire

velvet blue, like that of the evening 

sky. I like to look up at the stars, 

though they can make me feel 

strange and tiny. I like to dream - 

that is, when I can ignore the shadows. 

I, I, I. What have we but ourselves?

Everything originates there. Love,

love was not always as blind. Mine was,

I thought, a superior kind

of truth of that means nothing, now.

A curious thing, time.

You have forgotten me, but I -

I remember everything.