sun29th july. I don't feel too good. What is wrong with me, I'm at the beach with my mum, my two beautiful nieces and gorgeous nephew, and the weather is perfect - 27 degrees - and I feel totally anxious and uptight and unhappy for absolutely no reason. Goddammit, can't I just have a nice weekend and enjoy life like a normal person?? I tried sooo hard to shake myself out of it, getting engaged with the kids, running in the water etc, but the feeling wouldn't leave me.
Didn't help that this crazy old man decided to come hang out with us, and proceed to tell me about his miserable life and how he slept in his car, his family had abandoned him, and that he (according to him) actually had insight into a spiritual parallel world.
*sigh. Why does my Mum have to go make friends with the graylands escapee?
Anyway, I felt pretty bad when I got home, I started getting all anxious and jittery. I was trying to avoid SH, so I ended up going to a friend's from my mental health peer support group (love you guys xx) and went for a walk. Helps so much just relaxing and chatting to a friend!
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Okay well now it's today, Monday 30th July, first day of semester 2 uni. Busy day, had a lecture and a 5 hour lab (didn't end up going quite as long as that, thank goodness!) and also a choir rehearsal afterwards. I felt pretty bad again today, just like really agitated and anxious, I was literally shaking and kept having asthma attacks lol. I took an oxazepam at one point just to calm down a bit! Almost didn't go to choir, but made myself go in the end and I was glad I did.
I came home and had an epic bath for hours. Ran out of bath salts, so I poured normal table salt in there hahaha to avoid going wrinkly!! I think it kind of worked... but I probably smell like the ocean now! :P Unfortunately I did give in and SH'd though, oh my freaking god, why does it make me feel so much better! I don't know whether I should feel bad for doing this, like I'm not causing any real harm or anything, and helps me cope when nothing else seems to help!! Right now I'm kind of wishing I never told the therapist about it because now she'll constantly ask me about it and I'll have to admit to not stopping or feel guilty or feel like I have to defend myself over it, gah.
Am looking forward to starting the group therapy, I think I will like it better than one-on-one, not so much direct focus on ME, it can be a bit much. I'd rather blend in with the mad crowd a bit.
Tomorrow I have another lecture, and then hoping to spend the afternoon with J, L and the kids before they go off again, roaming to China again... I don't know how they can keep up the stress and expense of travel!
I love the idea of going on holiday, but only for a few weeks. I like Australia :) I like being able to come "home," like a place you belong.
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