Xmas Rant (and glow worm's bums)

Lost it a bit again. I wanted to kill myself - I wanted to take all the antipsychotic meds I had in one go, which really might have done it. But it was xmas the next day; even in my twisted state of mind I realised how awful it would be to do that to your family on xmas. I contented myself with shallow cuts on my arms and legs. lots of them.

Xmas day was a nightmare, so I actually wished I had taken the fucking pills. My SO knew I had gone nuts, so he insisted I go stay at my Mum's place while he organised our house-moving. So we were rushing around trying to get my clothes and things together, get the dogs in the car, get all the presents sorted... then I lost my car keys...

So we ended up ultra-late to xmas lunch at my Dad's (remember how I was anxious as it was only the second time I'd seen my Dad in 10 years of estrangement?) Well at the lunch, my older sister was being kind of a bitch. First she ignored me, and then displayed irrational jealously regarding my re-established relationship with my Dad. Like he hardly spoke to me anyway, and when Dad asked for a photo with his daughters, as in both of us, my sister was all: "Oh, I'll get out of the way." And when Dad replied no I want you both, she said:  "I would have thought you'd just want Tam in the picture."
What the holy fuck is her problem? Omg my stress was so high, and then we went to my SO's friends place, where we had to navigate the dogs again (who were going nuts) and then to my Mum's for xmas dinner. Well at my Mum's, the dog Henry (whom I'm currently fostering) attacked my Mum's dog and injured her really badly... Paddy (Mum's dog) has some deep wounds on her that I think need stitches and def some antibiotics, but we couldn't go to the vet on xmas or boxing day as we cant afford the prices for public holiday emergency vet. So looks like I'm going to take her tomorrow. No idea if the rescue organisation I got Henry from would cough up the vet fee for Paddy's wounds.

And today (boxing day) my SO's mum had a small get-together for lunch. The dogs escaped and went tearing around the bush and onto the road, chasing a bandicoot. Got them back eventually, lil' shits lol. I decided to stay the night with my SO at his mums.
Well then my Mum comes over and starts giving me shit for "not spending enough time with my nieces."

Well I kind of exploded a bit. I was like "Jeesus christ Mum, do you know how fucking hard I have had to try just to GET here, let  alone make it through xmas and boxing day with everyone? I'm absolutely exhausted!" (not to mention my SO and I had spent every moment with the kids up until then, so what the fuck??)
Mum knew I wasn't feeling the best, yet insists on being a f*king bitch. In addition, she made a big deal about me having Napolean (my Psychiatric Assistant Dog) in the house as he might leave hair. Oh for fucks sake.

With Mum, I am always in the wrong, what I'm doing is never good enough, my needs are last to everyone else's and my mental health is no excuse to request 5 fucking minutes alone to gather myself for the next installment of "cheery" acting.

So I can't stay at my rental property because the chaos of moving is sending me crazy, I can't stay at my Mum's because 1. she drives me crazy and wont leave me alone 2. she wont let Napolean in the house (whom I really need right now)

I'd happly brave the psych ward right now if I could have my dog with me lol, but somehow don't think they'd let me.

In the  meant-time I keep cutting up my arms and legs. Well I'm sorry but its the only way I can keep from trying to kill myself, so I'll take a few scratches.

Oh yeh, in addition, my bitch mother started abusing my SO in front of his whole family for "lying" about me being mentally well (Even though he contacted her last week and told her I was depressed).

My whole fucking family is crazy and so freaking self-centred! I wish somebody would give me a break, and more than anything I wish I had somewhere quiet to go with no stress and nobody AT ME all day long! helllp.

A funny rhyme to help brighten up the mood:

:)

~Tam~

Henry

I just finished watching the 1st season of the TV series "American Horror Story." I was expecting it to be really cheesy, but I actually got into it and enjoyed it :D Even "fake" blood makes me a bit queesy though lol, I'm not a fan of "gore" horror, but I like the psychological twists and mysteries :)

There are heaps of things I wanted to get done today, but it turns out that I'm having an anxious day, and I can't seem to leave the house, even with Napolean. Yesterday I managed to go to the shops, but my partner and his brother were both with me. I didn't tell them how I was actually feeling. We went to dinner at D & Y's (family friends) place - I didn't feel much up to going but went anyway. D found out not that long ago that he had a brain tumour. They operated, but didn't get it all, so now he has to go in for a second surgery. He's acting really brave about it, but I get the feeling that he's terrified of what it might do to his cognitive abilities. He loves to learn and read about absolutely everything, so for him not to be able to do that or remember things as well would be a really big deal. But I guess all you can do is trust the surgeon to do a good job, and get on as best you can in the mean time. Still, it really sucks that he has to go through all this :(  If God is real, then fuck 'im. Seems extraordinarily unlikely to me though. I will forever be the bipolar, vegetarian atheist.

On a lighter note, here is a photo of Napolean (left) and Henry (right). We are fostering Henry for a while for a rescue organisation. He's such a cutie! He and Napolean get along great. Oh, and also, that's Ambrose making a frog face in the background. :D

Henry used to be named "Limpy" because he has a wounded foot. He's previous owner (who was obviously disturbed) purposely crushed his foot, breaking it and permanently damaging the ligaments. He also has a bad wound on the bottom of his foot which is a bit infected, but I've got him on antibiotics and trying to bath it etc and get it healed up. Poor little guy, and he's got such a loving personality! Anyway, we changed his name to Henry, because we thought "Limpy" kind of defined him by what happened to him. NONE of us are defined by how other people have treated us in the past, but on how we choose to live the future xx

<3

~Tam~

Things

Good Things:

• Passed all my units and finished my double degree! Bachelor of Music (Honours) and Bachelor of Science (pharmacology and physiology double major) come at me!
• Got into WAYO (West Australian Youth Orchestra) again as flute player for 2014
• Got a new rental property for 2014
• Might be fostering a puppy over xmas for a rescue organisation :D
• My SO and I have made a musical duo ("Altus Duo") and we played a gig yesterday for the WA political party The Greens in Kings Park
• My dog is awesome. obviously. :)

Things I Need to Do:

• Create and send some recordings of Altus Duo to a potential client for wedding music :)
• Post my christmas cards to family in England (I have no idea if it will get there in time now)
• Send WAYO acceptance form
• Send my nephew his birthday card and iitunes voucher
• Get up tomorrow for 9.30am house-check by rescue organisation (for puppy fostering)
• Get some large cardboard boxes for house-moving
• Book a removal van for the 3rd January (our moving date!)

Things I am Nervous About:

• Waiting to hear back about my application for music postgraduate diploma
• Going to my Dad's for xmas lunch (my Dad and I have only recently got back in contact after about 11 years)
• My skin looking like crap because I can't stop picking it - I have that OCD-type disorder Dermatillomania. As a result I keep compulsively picking at the skin on my face and causing wounds and scabs. It's so embaressing and I feel so incredibly ugly right now as a result of it. :( I also probably look like a drug addict. 

Fun Things to Do:

• Xmas picnic with some old friends in Kings Park on Tuesday
• Dog training class on Wednesday with Napolean
• Art group on Wednesday morning (?) through mental health services
• Buy those bags of flat pebbles for craft (I want to make stone mats for the bathroom and for the kitchen table, as xmas gifts)
• Finish my painting (it's of a dog)
• Begin my "sea glass" mosaic (I've been collecting smooth glass from the beach for ages)
• Hang out at the beach with n-dog
• Ring my best friend (she lives in another state)
• Read my books
• Take care of the plants (they are not looking so healthy in the hot weather - it was 41 degrees Celcius today!!)
• Learn Gaubert's Flute Sonata no. 3http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T62zWNOqb8

Napolean looking very much how I feel in 41 degree heat!! poor doggy xx

I'll never know how he manages to squish himself onto that chair when he is so big! :P

~Tam~

Gateways

The romance in my soul seems to be dwindling. I used to have words and songs pouring always from my heart. Lately, that muscle has been cool and silent. I can't feel things the way I used to. I can't remember the taste of real hope.
How is it possible to be doing fine, yet be so empty? I feel as though I have been reconstructed out of portable stone.

~Tam~

Down the Rabbit Hole

I can't help thinking that I'm dead. That I died and just went on existing, somehow. No matter how hard I try to find solid ground, a steady grasp of reality, things are always shifting, shifting. I don't like it. I don't like being like this, in this state.

(screenshot from the game "Alice Madness Returns" - which I have never played btw)

~Tam~

Gone Potty

Exams next week... gahh so much study to do! So mad at myself for letting myself get so behind... but hey, what's new lol. On the upside, it's the last semester of my degree! yippee!! I think I may have to go do an extra honours year in science, but first I'm going to take a year to concentrate on flute performance and see if anything comes of it. If not, well at least I tried by best, and then I'll know that I was meant to follow the science pathway rather than music.

I'm kind of glad it's study break, because I can work entirely from home (while snuggling my doggy) and don't have to go into uni. I'm feeling a bit flat - I think I've been hypomanic recently actually. My SO tried to tell me I was, but I didn't believe him. But yeh I spent a SH*T load of money :/ like I went out every day and bought lots and lots of plants and pots for the garden...  spent $100's that I didn't really have, and I was just really active and, as my SO put it, "not normal."
But I only realise that now I've come down again, I'm kind of sad and I SH'd yesterday.. I still haven't learned how to prevent that, I feel like I NEED to do it, I'm so desperate for the relief it brings. But anyway, I'm going okay really and coping with most stuff, so now I just need to stay focussed on my study, and prepare for exams.

I can do it!!

In the meantime, here are some wolfhound pictures, because, as we all know, Irish Wolfhounds are the best dogs EVER:

^'The Viking's Daughter' - by Herbet Dicksee

glass art, Diana Goddess of the hunt (I don't know who it's by)

~Tam~

Rainy Thoughts, Sunny Days

....
See the people standing there who disagree and never win 
And wonder why they don't get in my door 
I'm painting my room in the colourful way 

And when my mind is wandering 
There I will go 
And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong I'm right 
Where I belong I'm right 
Where I belong. 
...
 - lyrics from Beatles, 'Fixing a hole'

'Rainy Fantasy' by Natalja Picugina

~ Tam

PS. I wish it really WOULD rain, it's so darn hot in Western Australia at the moment!

Do you ever?

Do you ever find yourself staring at something - it might be something totally mundane, like the cracks in the pavement, the scuff-marks on the wall, the steady trickle of water from the garden hose - and you are unable to look away? And the more you stare the more you can't stop looking and it's as though the thing you are looking at is growing and swelling, until it is all you can see? And then you feel like you are Alice-in-Wonderland, and your body is shrinking and growing until you are not sure quite where you begin and end, or how exactly you exist in relation to the thing you're looking at?

~Tam~

"Mirrors"

I feel really lonely tonight. I wish I'd organised something to do this weekend, I need to see some friends or family. My SO was out working tonight, and then fell asleep at his parents house when he went to visit, so looks like it's just me and N-dog tonight. Good thing he's so cuddly! :) Housemate J has his friend DK staying with us for a couple of weeks, but they have both gone out to a mate's house. I have been self-harming a bit lately, but the last couple of days I managed not to, because it is embaressing that people might see it - have seen it - and I wanted it to heal. I never hurt myself badly, it's just to feel something, it's comforting to see that I have blood inside me and am alive. I forget that too often.
I wonder what's wrong with me, sometimes I think that I've somehow constructed the whole thing myself - the anxiety, the sadness, instability, exhaustion - and that I should be able to fix it all accordingly. Why can't somebody show me how??
The constant exhaustion is getting to me - how can you have enthusiasm for anything when your so so tired all the time? The pdoc gave me some seroquel to help with sleep and with the skin-picking compulsive disorder thing I have (yep I'm still scratching holes in my face like a complete freak). Well, yet again it's confirmed that I can't handle antipsychotics - I take 25mg and I'm knocked out for the night, yes, but also half the next day also :S I mean, I have a choice between being unconscious from drugs, or from being conscious and exhausted. And seeing as I have to function, and go to university, I really need to be conscious. Therefor, anaethetising drugs are not really that useful, are they. SIGH.

^^Napolean looks like me on antipsychotics!

In my physiology lab at uni the other day, I had to ride on this exercise bike while having heart rate monitored, and breathing into this tube through my mouth with nose clip on - so uncomfortable! But I was really embarressed, because to check that the heart rate was recording right, someone had to check my pulse by feeling my wrist, and as a result the whole group got to see the recent scars on my arms. groooooaan. and then my heart rate was realllly high, like abnormally high, before I even started exercising - but it was because of my anxiety!! gah, so glad that lab is over.
Some good news though - Napolean (my assistant dog) is allowed to come with me to my exams - which I'm doing in a separate room to everyone. Am so relieved, I will be so much more relaxed with him there. Love my doggy so much! <3 Poor thing hasn't been well lately, I wondered why he was not interested in food, and then this morning he threw up! But he seems to be picking up now, thankfully.

In other news... I'm really liking this indi artist Emma Louise. Here is one of the songs of her latest album, called Vs Head Vs Heart - the song is called "Mirrors"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H33KDQtr3A8

Isn't she great?! I bought the full album from iitunes today, love it!

~Tam~

Weird Questions

I found this list of weird survey questions on the net, 


If you were a worm, how long would you be? Long. I would be a very long worm.

What's the size of your shoes? 8 (AU)

Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? Are you kidding?? Sometimes I even doubt my own existence!

What would you want to be written on your tombstone? "Applause"

Is your middle finger longer than your ring finger? Yes - isn't everyone's?? (*looks over at my dog's paws)

What shampoo do you use? Whatever is cheapest at the supermarket when I buy it, as I am a poor university student :( But it makes shopping choices much easier :D

What time do you normally go to bed on a working day? 11-12pm. I'm a bit of a night-owl.

What is the most distant place you've visited (from your home)? Beijing, China

In scale from 1-5, how afraid of dark are you? 2 - sometimes the dark can be a little scary, but generally I like night-time.

Explain relativity. When I answered the first question, and said I would be a "very long worm", that description of length didn't really mean anything. I should have said: "I would be a worm longer than a giraffe." Or, in wikipedia terms, space and time should be considered together and in relation to each other and the velocity of the observer. Personally I prefer my giraffe-worm analogy. Did you know, when I got my dog Paddy (who lives at my Mums now) as a puppy, when we gave her de-worming tablets, she shat out this enormous pile of huuuuuuge long worms, seriously it was the grossest thing I've ever seen. PS always worm your dogs!


Speaking of dogs, I got some really cute pictures of Napolean and Ambrose the other day:

^Napolean with his service jacket on... it's getting a bit tight around his tummy!! He is sulking because it was rainy outside.

Napolean (dog) and Ambrose (human)  having some 'bro' time :D

^lol, got 'im!!

^The picture of elegance...

Looking at pictures of these two make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world!! ><

~Tam~

Fostering a Puppy!! :D

I'm fostering a beautiful puppy atm - a sweet 6th-month-old kelpie/rottie called "Duke". If anyone from Perth, Western Australia wants to adopt him, here is his profile link:

http://www.petrescue.com.au/listings/242033 

Can't see it in this pick, but he has one ear that always stands up when he's interested in something, while the other one flops :D So cute!! He and Napolean are getting along great now, although Napolean was acting very jealous at first!

I was feeling a bit down the past few days; my SO was in a bad mood and was being really cold and short with me, and I was also having housemate problems on top of it, and dealing with uni assignments and puppy barking and peeing problems... things get too much for me really quickly! I have a set limit of things that I can cope with before I go crazy.
Today I realised that I was going downhill a bit, so I invited a couple of my friends over, who brought their dogs along so we could have a doggy play-date! Was so much fun, we went down to the dog beach and also walked at the local park/lake reserve. Think we may have finally tired out puppy!

Anyway, I'm off to bed and I'm taking the dogs with me, even though housemate chucked a fit over me doing that (he's decided he has a problem with the puppy coming in at night. Good knows why, as its my room and doesn't effect him at all. But if I leave him in the outdoor games room, we hear WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF all night without a break, and seriously I need to sleep. Plus, dogs are awesome and need to be snuggled! :D

If I were rich I'd live in a spacey but not fancy home near the dog beach, and have 4 dogs, two wolfhounds and maybe two smaller dogs. I might not even let my SO live with us, because he's human and can therefor be an asshole sometimes and make me feel soooo bad with extreme ease. I kind of hate people. At least, I hate the concept of humanity and how cruel people can be. Everyone should just hug a puppy and be happy :) xx


~Tam~

Self-Harming again

I've had a bad couple of weeks. I am depressed, but it's very hard to actually admit that I'm in a "down" episode. It's like, somehow saying it aloud will make it real. I think there were a lot of stress factors that brought it on... University has been really getting on top of me, I'm doing too many units, and the work-load is a bit above my stress-capabilities. Unfort I can't really do much about this, as its my final semester of uni, and if I defer a unit now I'd have to wait a whole year before I could repeat the unit - and how am I supposed to get money in the meantime, if I haven't got my degree so I can get a job? My disability pension only goes to the end of the year also. And then, there has been a huge uncertainty as to where my SO and I will actually be living next year, as my SO has applied for scholarships to do a phD in America - he has his heart totally set on going to this particular university over there. A few nights ago he really upset me by saying: "I don't think we can both afford to go over, I might need to go over by myself for a year or so."
I was completely shocked. I was like: "you'd seriously leave me here for a year or more?" and he kind of went: "well you know, there's really big career opportunities for me in America."
Well I don't know if I was overreacting or not, but I was really hurt that he'd put that ahead of our relationship, hands down. Um, I can hardly function even WITH that support person to rely on... how the hell does he think I'd cope on my own for a friggen year or two?? :S Anyway, then I internally chastised myself, thinking well why the hell should he put his life on hold for you, you're probably a freaking nuisance already, and a depressing one at that. Should I really blame the man for wanting to leave me behind?
Anyway, these things all just kind of compiled and added to the pile of self-worthlessness/hopelessness that had already descended on me in my dark mental state. And then there is the trouble I have always had with sex, that I actually hate it and I cry afterwards every time and I feel so goddammit worthless. So after I'd made myself shuttup over the America thing, thinking I didn't have a right to be mad or upset about it, the next day there was a "quickie" sesh that I gave into over guilt (it had been ages) and afterwards I felt like absolute shit.
I hurt so much, and I've been so sad and so utterly exhausted. I thought about death a lot, but I didn't really want to die, I wanted to live but I didn't - I don't - know how. So the self-harm comes in, because it makes me feel something of being alive, and I don't know what else to do.

I had an appointment with the psychologist the other day and I was pretty honest about what I was feeling. I think he wanted to see my arms for the SH, but I kind of brushed him off, saying: "oh well it was only shallow and was a few days ago so mostly healed." (there were quite a few scabs on my arms of course, but I didn't really want to show.) He didn't press me any further. I think I might have said a bit too much though; without really meaning too I said something in regards to SH: "I wish I just had the courage to do it properly and just end it." And then he started asking me if I'd often been having these thoughts and if I'd made any "plans." I hadn't, only the thoughts and speculations, so I was quick to make that clear. God forbid they should send me back into a psych ward! and plus it is unnecessary at the moment; I am just sad. I'll be alright. I have Napolean! xx

above: food??.... dead. food???? ...... dead. :D



~Tam~

Everyone is Sad

I'm so very confused. I absolutely cannot really see the point in anything; and yet I cling to certain things almost desperately - mainly my SO and my assistant dog lol. Without them I would definitely die. I was thinking the other day that maybe I will kill myself when my dog dies, and then I realised how ridiculous that would sound to most people.. but I do not feel like there is any point in living. I suppose I am depressed - but I cannot imagine/remember feeling any different, and I cannot convince myself that it's just the illness talking..
This morning when I got up I could not stop staring at knives in the kitchen, and imagining stabbing myself with them, messed up, right? And then all morning I've been thinking that maybe if I cut myself a little and watch myself bleed then I will feel more alive... but the psychologist says that SH ultimately makes you feel worse, so I am trying to listen and am resisting the urge.

Ahhh, my friend just messaged me and said they were feeling depressed.... why is everybody so sad??
:(


~Tam~

Sun and Flowers

We got some lovely sun yesterday, and the neighbour's front yard looked so pretty with all the flowers that I couldn't resist taking some pictures:

 
^^neighbour's pretty front garden                "Wood Nymph"- John William Waterhouse^^

^^my poor sick boy xx

~Tam

Life can be Ruff

It is very muddy today. And by that, I mean muddy in my head. I don't know if its partly me coming down with the cold my SO had, or if its just my general nuttiness, but my head really hurts, I'm dizzy and I cannot concentrate or think straight. Complaining complaining, aren't I? :P Well my poor doggy Napolean has had a rough time too; he had to get a tumour removed from his ear at the vets on Thursday - he had to go under general anaesthetic. Then on Friday we had to take him back to the vet TWICE because his ear was bleeding sooo badly (seriously we had blood ALL over our kitchen, the floor, the walls, the fridge, us.... EVERYTHING.) The first time we went back the vet bandaged Napolean's ear flat to his head so he couldn't shake it around and make it bleed - BUT the bandage came off immediately when we got home, so we had to go back. Napolean was petrified of that vet doctor for some reason (he was male, which may have been part of the problem) and he kept trying to climb on top of me and hide. The fact is, however, that he is a 45kg wolfhound whom is rather too large to hide OR be a lapdog XD Silly thing! However, we finally got his head bandaged properly, and a tighter cone-collar on so he couldn't scratch his ear.

This morning he woke up with a runny nose and red eyes, however, and hasn't moved all day long, so I think he may have the cold/flu my SO has had. Poor darling, he looks so miserable and pathetic lol!! I've been giving him lots of cuddles today and let him be inside with me (don't tell the landlord!)

I wonder if he's missing our other dog (Blair, the dog-aggressive, fence-jumping one we had to rehome) - I'm actually really missing her which might sound odd, considering all the trouble we had with her... but then she did give excellent doggy cuddles. Naw poor Blair, I hope she is getting the special training and meds that she needed (which we could not afford). I love dogs, I wish I was rich so that I could take care of them all! At least I have learnt my lesson, that I cannot overcommit when I don't have the resources to look after special needs dogs. I would love to have 2 dogs, but I thinks it's wise at the moment just to stick with Napolean.

And I have to admit it - he is pretty awesome. :)

nawww <3 <3

~Tam~

Madrigals and Memories

The light in my room just randomly turned off by itself! Maybe its a sign from a supernatural presence :P I'm not at all afraid of that idea... I mean even if there were supernatural phenomena, it can't be as scary as real life!

I've been in bed all day today.

................................

^^So that was the post that I started a few days ago and ran out of energy to finish. I was really depressed for a few days, I couldn't get up or do anything at all. But I am feeling much better now, though still a bit lacking in energy/enthusiasm/motivation, and sleeping too much, I guess. Yesterday I started composing a madrigal that I've been wanting to write for ages. I set it to an abstract of the text of Alfred Lord Tennyson's "Ode To Memory". Tennyson is one of my favourite poets. These are the stanzas I used:

I.
THOU who stealest fire,
From the fountains of the past,
To glorify the present, oh, haste,
Visit my low desire!
Strengthen me, enlighten me!
I faint in this obscurity,
Thou dewy dawn of memory. 

IV.
Come forth, I charge thee, arise,
Thou of the many tongues, the myriad eyes!
Thou comest not with shows of flaunting vines
Unto mine inner eye,
Divinest Memory!

Strengthen me, enlighten me!
I faint in this obscurity,
Thou dewy dawn of memory. 


You know, I've always wished that I studied music composition as a major at university, along with performance. I've always loved to compose! our university chapel choir is actually performing one of my pieces, a setting of "Ave Maria", this semester. I can't wait to hear it sung aloud for the first time! I don't want to write about anything sad or stressful in this post; I am too tired. I should get to sleep soon though as it's getting late. I have Napolean snuggled at the foot of my bed - I am warming my feet up on him :P It's so COLD at the moment!!

lines hold the memoriesby =agnes-cecile

(taken from deviant art)

~Tam~

Sneakiness

Oh no, my last post was so depressing! I'm feeling a bit better today; still extremely tired (I slept all afternoon!) but not as sad. Another funny, slightly pathetic story for you: my housemate J was out at his girlfriends, and this terrible storm hit. Well I was exhausted and wanted a sleep, but the dogs of course, were going ROWOWOWOWOW in typical fashion. Eventually I got up and let Napolean in (he was like YIPPEEEE JUMP IN THE BED STRAIGHT AWAY YAYAYAY), but then Blair was barking nonstop because I had left her in the outdoor games room by herself. (Remember I mentioned before that J literally forbade me to let Blair in the house, because he doesn't like her and is scared of her.) Anyway, since I figured he was out, I let Blair in too :P so I ended up snuggled to my two spoilt doggies in bed, where I promptly fell asleep. I think all 3 of us did! However, I was woken by the front door opening and J returning!! I was like "oh shit" and froze as the dogs both started making growling noises ("intruder, intruuuuudeeeeerrr!") and was trying frantically to shut them up so J wouldn't hear that there were an "illegal" TWO dogs in  my room.

Well he's out there atm, and I have no idea if he knows the dogs are in here, if so I'm going to cop it!! I've been laying here frozen and terrified of leaving my room lol!! because he will get really angry again! Unfort I'm getting really hungry, and the dogs probably are too. I wonder if I can manage to sneak them outside without him seeing?? LOL!!!

Will update you on how this Mission Impossible goes....

~Tam~

Inadequate

I'm doing nothing but playing chess lately. I don't feel 100% well - quite a bit less, actually. I can't summon enough energy or motivation to leave the house... or my pyjamas! So I've been basically sitting here by myself, playing online chess. I think I'm getting better, slowly! I like it because it takes my attention so that I don't have to think about anything else, and stops me from feeling basically sh*t, at least temporarily. I'm so emotionally and energetically flat!! Mum came round today, because I accidentally missed my niece's tennis thing this morning :( :( I don't have a phone atm, hence no alarm clock, but normally the dogs wake me up really early! Of course today would be the day that they didn't bark, and I slept in. I feel terrible, how awful to disappoint my niece, who was expecting me to come and watch! Of course, Mum made me feel extra guilty in that subtle way, like she does...

Well my head is still all fuzzy, and I have a headache. Maybe I've been playing too much chess. lol. I feel scared of J every since he got mad about Blair inside. I know he said later that he didn't mean to be 'abrasive', but now I feel really nervous around him. He makes me feel like that a lot without meaning it, I think. I read into things too much!! Anyway, I'm avoiding him and basically avoiding human contact.

I'M SUCH A PATHETIC HUMAN BEING. Goddammit, I HATE being me! I'm so inadequate in like every way, I suck! Maybe many of us have these insecurities, I don't know! If I don't even have the energy to move half the time, then I'd rather be dead anyway. God I wish it was just OVER. At least, that's the way I'm feeling right now.

Mum kept saying today: "you are alright though, aren't you? You sound really bright, in your voice."
I was thinking: oh gee, do I?? Because I feel like an absolute piece of worthless sh*t.

Do other people hate themselves as much as I secretly do?

~Tam~

My dog is a Savage Beast who has panic attacks

I don't know what's wrong with me. My mind feels all fuzzy. I can't focus on anything and I'm really tired. It's so much effort to get up in the morning to feed the dogs. Napolean has been sleeping in my room for the past few days, to keep me company, as my SO has gone up north with his family for a holiday, for a week.  Leaving me to deal with our aggressive, fence-jumping dog Blair whom our real-estate agent has demanded we re-home within the next couple of days. Yep, great timing to leave me on my own! Needless to say, I've been spending a lot of time snuggling with the dogs. My housemate got angry at me because I let Blair into my room too because she was barking non-stop and I could not sleep!! Its the only way to shut her up!! But J says he's scared that he'll encounter a panicked, aggro dog in the hallway at night, which is a good point. Who knows how she'd react if she bumped into him at night, probably go into "KILL IT! KILLLL ITTTT!!!!!" mode, which she does when she's petrified.  Which is most of the time. But now I have to listen to ROWROWROWROWROW ALL night long, drives me crazy!!! Maybe thats why I'm feeling so exhausted, I can't get a solid night sleep coz of the dogs.

Haha, Blair just walked up to me and licked my head, as though to say: "See, I'm a nice dog, I wouldn't  maul anyone...."

Yeh, Blair, apart from that friendly little dog you nearly killed last week.

^^ looks so deceptively innocent, doesn't she... who would know from these pictures that she's actually a savage beast lol!

I took her walking with her muzzle on yesterday, and she had a random panic attack near the shops - she completely freaked out because of the traffic and the people around, and she froze and started shaking all over and making this weird breathing noise, and then like threw herself on the ground and wouldn't move. I put my arms around her to calm her down, and I could feel her heart beating like crazy. Poor thing! Then when she eventually stood up she pooed everywhere. Like everywhere. Poor old Blair, I wish I could afford to get her on anxiety meds like she needs.

Oh btw my hair isnt that colour any more, its now a burgundy-brown (yep i got bored and changed it yet again... I like this darker colour better on me though. My skin is really bad at the moment because I have been so anxious and picking at it - I have that dermophilia OCD-type disorder thing. I have wounds and scabs all over me, its gross and weird, I don't know how to stop! It's like I have to do it, or something. :/

I've been a bit sad lately, too. I already mentioned that, didn't I? Well I keep thinking I wish I could just permanently go to sleep. Well, to be more exact, I think: "I want to kill myself", and seriously, a lot of the time I wish I could. But I'm not sick enough to forget what that would do to the people I care about - I just couldn't cause someone that much pain because of something I did. Not while I can think clearly enough to reason that far, that is.

I'm so tired. In monty python style: "MY BRAIN HURTS!!" I feel really bad and exhausted, and I don't like being alive right now. I'm finding myself doing that thing where I'll be using a knife in the kitchen and I just stop and stare at it and imagine myself... well, you get the drift. The weird knife-obsession happens when I'm getting unwell. I'm not self-harming, I don't want to self harm, I just want to not BE.

Oh, it's just started to rain outside... how I love the sound of rain! It's beautiful. I could live if I could just lay there listening to the ocean or the sound of rain hitting the roof and pavements.

rain noises:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qj9rVFIwRk


~Tam~

The Lucky Dead

Things are quiet for me when it's raining

Cat's and dogs, when there are no people about.

I don't mind the cold as much as I might.

He has something to say, but is deigning

To reply; and when the night has won us

Over, a kind of thick and deathly calm

Pervades the senses. I forget I am

Flesh, I forget to breath. I encompass

Every ache your aging bones ever felt

I feel the slow death like a blanket

Over your head, trembling for fear, a banquet

Of stars beckoning you to oblivion.

Sickness is a vacuum above your head;

Beneath, lie all the lucky future dead.


~Tam~

Nice Things

I'm going to write about only nice things today. There has been so much stress and nastiness lately that I really do not want to relive it all just now - rather, I am writing to make myself feel better. I've decided to try a new tactic, that instead of concentrating so much on the negative stuff and trying to work through it, I instead acknowledge stressful and sad events/feelings but bring my focus back to all the positivity in my life. Don't you think we often forget all the wonderful things because we are always focussed on what's going WRONG rather than what's RIGHT? So this evening I'm talking about the stuff that I've been enjoying doing lately. I'll leave my problems for another post.

Well, lately I've been getting into CHESS!! I've been trying to teach myself to get better - I've improved a bit but I'm still pretty bad XD I've been playing with my SO and my housemate J, and I also joined an online chess site where you get to play against people all over the world. I definitely win a lot more now than I used to! I like problem solving games or doing puzzles, which I think is why I am enjoying chess - the latest obsession (It was sodoku for quite a while).

Oh I might have to put this blog post on hold, because my dog wants to go for a walk (he's whining at me pitifully and making me feel guilty). I'll be back in half an hour!

...............

I'm back! I had a really good run with N-dog at the beach. I've discovered that running along the beach at night is really relaxing. I did quite a lot today, actually - weeded the garden, cut the grass, ran with Napolean, played flute, played chess...

................

So I got distracted again and never finished my post! Right now me, my SO, housemate J and me are waiting for the chinese food we ordered... it's taking forever! It's been an hour and a half and we've rang them twice, apparently its finally on its way. SO HUNGRY!! We have a house inspection tomorrow (monday) so we were doing a massive clean-out today, including the front and back yard as well as the house and outdoor room (which was FILTHY because of the dogs). I still have to tidy away some clothes in my room, but then I think that's as good as it's going to get. Hate house inspections! It's so stressful because you have to wait around all day waiting for them to turn up, and like tiptoe-ing around your own house trying to avoid making any mess. Oh well, it'll be over tomorrow, and then freedom to be messy for another 3 months XD

^^ from Hyperbole and a Half - 

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.au/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

~Tam~

Bloglovin

Apparantly google reader is shutting down or something, so if you want to keep your blog reading list, you need to activate your account http://www.bloglovin.com and reselect the blogs you want to follow.

Please add me again! :)



~Tam~

Dramadrama

Had another horrible encounter with the neighbour on sunday, I won't talk about it because I'd rather try and forget it now, but in short my SO and I have decided to try and find another home for our great dane x Blair. I'm completely devastated, I just don't know what else to do. We've tried everything we can think of to stop the fence jumping, and it's still happening, and the neighbours are mad and our real-estate agent says we have to get rid of her.... :( :( :( I'm so sad!!!

I've advertised her on gumtree but I'm going to ring a few local pet shelters and see if they will advertise for us as well. I don't want to give her to a shelter, I want to "foster" her here until she finds a new wonderful home, that has the facilities to cope with the fence-jumping. Maybe someone else will be better able to train her and to work on her aggression toward other dogs. I feel like a failure and that I have let my beautiful Blair down :( :(

Anyway I had a psychologist appointment the other day, and that was very helpful because I was feeling so down. I cried a lot during the session but felt a lot better afterwards, although still so so sad about what's happened with my dog. Thank God Napolean does not jump fences, I would NEVER give him up!!!!!! JUST LET ANYONE TRY MAKE ME lol. He's my Assistant Dog anyway, and he is so lovely and gentle, no-one could ever have a problem with him. <3

For now Blair is just on a super long lead (got like 6 long leads all joined together lol) so that she can run around the back yard and go in the back games room but not jump the fence when I am not looking!!

Anyway, I have to go as A. and I are going to visit a family friend, he recently had seizures and had to go to hospital, but is home again now thank goodness! We bought a card and and some edible goodies for him :)

Bye for now!

~Tam~

Shitty morning

I'm sitting here in bed snuggled up to my two dogs. My housemate is probably going to have a fit when he finds out they're inside, but I'm just going to tell him to F_ off. I needed them, and its raining outside.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt I was crawling up the side of this steep mountain, but I was so absolutely exhausted that my limbs would hardly move... I was straining and straining until I was sure I couldn't go any further. But there was someone there beside me, egging me on, saying that I only thought I couldn't go on, and that if I believed I could do it I would. I was trying to listen to them, and to make myself believe that I had more energy, but my limbs were so heavy...
I woke up here, so I don't know if I reached the top of the mountain or not - or maybe I'm still climbing in my waking life?? (woah so deep man haha).



Exams are over, and my choir went to gingin yesterday for a small performance, which was fun. What was not fun was waking up this morning to find the neighbour at the front door yelling at me because my dog Blair had jumped the fence despite the blockade I put there, and was running up and down the street barking at people. The lady was really mean, like really yelling at me and abusing me it was awful. I tried to be respectful and I apologised and explained that we'd adopted her, and she had some anxiety problems, but we were in the process of buying a boundary collar which would prevent her escaping. But the lady didn't listen just yelled over me and eventually stormed off.

I was really shaken up, so I made some coffee and as it was freezing and about to rain outside I let Napolean sit in the kitchen under the table while I drank it. But of course my housemate J. came in and had a fit because the dog was inside, and dragged him out. Then he started going on at me for leaving one of the lights on in the house: he's like: "If you're going to get up at midnight, can you at least turn the lights off after yourself?" I was so upset already that I didn't even point out that I  hadn't got up at "midnight", I'd got up in the morning when it was still quite gloomy so I put the light on. He can be a bit of a prat sometimes. To make matters worse, as I was sitting at my laptop looking up dog wireless boundary collars, my SO comes and was acting all shitty and saying we didn't need to get a boundary collar, and I was getting more and more wound up. We made up,  but I went in the shower and cried for a long time. I also started to cut myself with scissors but I stopped because I remember what my pschologist said about SH as a way to avoid what your feeling rather than accepting your emotions and moving through them. So I tried some mindfulness techniques, and concentrated on the feel and the sound of the water in the shower, and tried to breath slowly, but I still couldn't stop crying.

Then I brought my dogs into my room and have been snuggling with them, which is very comforting :) A.(my SO) just came in and said that housemate J bitched to him about my having the dogs in, and said he was adamantly against letting them inside. A. explained to him that he was letting me have the dogs in when I needed them and was doing his best not to let it effect J. Which in truth be told, it doesn't effect J. in the slightest, I mean they are not in his room, and are rarely in mine for that matter, so I basically think J. can get f*kd. A. also told J. that he really upset me this morning, and rather than berrating me for minor crap could of at least asked me if I was okay after that bitch lady yelled at me. Too true, J. If you don't like living here, then Fk off and get out. 

End rant.

Tam + Dogs 4eva <3 <3


~Tam~

Something's Broken

My physiology exam this morning was way more difficult that I expected! I studied hard for a week before hand, only to be completely stumped by a number of questions... :/ I'm so annoyed because I wanted to do well in the unit, but judging from how I went in the exam today I don't think I'm going to get the greatest mark. Well, I suppose I'll pass, which is the main thing! Still it would be nice to keep up good grades so that I can get into the science honours program later if I want to.
2 exams to go: Neuroscience, and then Mental Well-Being In Today's World - a broadening unit that I took, which should not be too difficult. I mean, I'm an expert on lack-of-mental-wellness LOL!

Speaking of which, I went a bit nuts this weekend past and was really depressed and cut my legs and arms a fair bit :( But I'm a lot better now. I think I was triggered because my cousin is coming over from england and is staying with my Dad (I haven't been in contact with my Dad since I was 11), so we were trying to arrange for me to come pick her up from Dad's, and at the same time re-establish a relationship with Dad and meet his wife and my half-brothers for the first time. Of course this resulted in me going into a fit of extreme anxiousness followed by self-doubt and depression, I am f*cking pathetic, aren't I? I mean wtf, I can't cope with ANYTHING that might be stressful without ending up with scars on my body... it's so lame and getting really old. Why am I so weak and broken??

 I think there is something wrong with me inside. Well yes, I know there is, it's called Bipolar Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety.... In a word, NUTS!! lol. (no offence to anyone else with these disorders, am only referring to myself as nuts here!) and I hate that I am STILL at the mercy of these conditions. Drs keep saying to me: "But you're so intelligent!!" as in, I'm smart so I should be smart enough to manage the condition and shouldnt be doing stupid things like self-harm and suicide attempts. I wish they would stop saying this because it makes me feel like a pathetic loser for not being able to take care of myself and shoulder some responsibility like a normal adult. *Sigh.

ANYWAY, enough self-berrating for now....

I can't wait 'til exams are all over! It will be so nice to have some time to do other non-uni related things - I want to do some more work in the garden, plant some more plants.... go through and throw out my old clothes, and generally get the house in order... do some art, some writing, some music practice... just STUFF! stuff that's fun and not stressful. Yee!
I will just not think about the looming meetup with my Dad coming after exams, gah!


Well, for now - Au-reviour!



~Tam~


creepy picture I found on Deviant Art, by Jane Moth: Summarises how I feel!

Attention Def..... HI DOG! DOGDOGDOGDOG

I'm writing here so I can hopefully clear my head a little so that I can study. It has been so difficult for me, I just cannot get my brain to focus at all... it's like major ADHD time for me atm (which, btw, I probably also have, according to my drs and therapist lol) which means that I'm staring at a line of notes  as if its a different language, unable to make head nor tale of it! Same with trying to listen to lectures online; my mind is all over the place and I cannot concentrate enough on one thing to be able to understand whats going on... GAH! So frustrating!

My brain in summary:

I've always had a lot of trouble with concentration and focus, but I think it may be particular bad because I'm feeling so anxious. I just found out that the ANAM (Australian National Academy of Music) auditions are in 2 weeks, and I applied at the last minute, and now am frantically trying to find all the accompaniment music I need, and arrange a rehearsal prior to the actual audition - not to mention that I am completely unprepared because I have hardly been practicing flute this year :S I'm tossing up whether or not just to scrap the audition - but I wanted to apply for ANAM so bad!! I can't believe they are doing the auditions so early in the year this time, it was completely unexpected and I hadn't planned for it - it's right smack in the middle of my uni exams too.

So there's that to worry about, and then my 3 exams I need to prepare for, and my brain wont concentrate for some reason, which makes me more anxious, which makes it even harder to focus, in a viscious never-ending cycle!!! Ahhhh help!!!

I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday morning thank the lord Jesus lol, so maybe he can help me figure out how to calm tf down and FOCUS!

I don't think I really have anything else to write about, I haven't been doing anything except trying to study and fail, and taking the dogs for walks.

I thought writing this down might help but I don't feel much better :/

Anyway, off to TRY and actually get some study done for once...



~Tam~

New Blogs and Extra Dogs

Hi!

I started a new blog where I can be ultra weird and dramatic, philosophical and somewhat gothic. Not that I can't do that here, but I figure this blog is more like my every day stuff, where I can just spill BS and not be bothered about correct grammar and writing style and what-not... whereas the new one is like: "Tam's weird thoughts." not that I called it that. I called it "Perdita, the lost one,"
because perdita means "lost one" in latin, and because Perdita was a character in Shakespear's play "The Winter Tale."Anyway I thought it sounded kind of romantic so it became the title of my second blog. If you want to check it out, it's here:

http://perditathelostone.wordpress.com

I've only just started in though, so there's only one (short) blog so far. Anyway, I'll mostly continue to use this blog, I'll only use the new one for occasional weird, dramatic and somewhat flowery ponderings.

So anyway, I was going to write about my day... This morning I was woken up early by Napolean making these unbelievably annoying howling noises, and he would not shut up even when I yelled from my bedroom - went something like this:

Napolean: "a-ROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

me: "SHUT THE HELL UP NAPOLEAN!!"

Napolean: "A-ROO-ROO-ROO-ROO-ROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

Me: "Oh for f*ck's sake...."

so I got up and went outside, and what do I see?? THREE dogs instead of the expected 2 that normally live in my backyard. So I figured it was one of my neighbours dogs, but when I knocked on their door there was no-one home. I eventually figured out that the misterious dog had a tag on with his name (Duncan) and a phone number. So I rang the number and a lady answered, who then confirmed that she was my neighbour. Since she was out at work, I took Duncan back to his yard and locked the gate safely behind him! :)

So after that lil' adventure, I went to my psychologist appointment, where I was supposed to be learning about "facing and accepting my emotions" rather than fighting them. I don't know... anyway I don't really feel like talking about my therapy session or emotional problems right now...

I took Napolean to the beach today, and then me and A. walked both the dogs at the park and bought some chocolate from the shop, yum! :) We have netball soon, so I figure we can work off the chocolate hehe.

Well, I'm off!! 

~Tam~