Inadequate

I'm doing nothing but playing chess lately. I don't feel 100% well - quite a bit less, actually. I can't summon enough energy or motivation to leave the house... or my pyjamas! So I've been basically sitting here by myself, playing online chess. I think I'm getting better, slowly! I like it because it takes my attention so that I don't have to think about anything else, and stops me from feeling basically sh*t, at least temporarily. I'm so emotionally and energetically flat!! Mum came round today, because I accidentally missed my niece's tennis thing this morning :( :( I don't have a phone atm, hence no alarm clock, but normally the dogs wake me up really early! Of course today would be the day that they didn't bark, and I slept in. I feel terrible, how awful to disappoint my niece, who was expecting me to come and watch! Of course, Mum made me feel extra guilty in that subtle way, like she does...

Well my head is still all fuzzy, and I have a headache. Maybe I've been playing too much chess. lol. I feel scared of J every since he got mad about Blair inside. I know he said later that he didn't mean to be 'abrasive', but now I feel really nervous around him. He makes me feel like that a lot without meaning it, I think. I read into things too much!! Anyway, I'm avoiding him and basically avoiding human contact.

I'M SUCH A PATHETIC HUMAN BEING. Goddammit, I HATE being me! I'm so inadequate in like every way, I suck! Maybe many of us have these insecurities, I don't know! If I don't even have the energy to move half the time, then I'd rather be dead anyway. God I wish it was just OVER. At least, that's the way I'm feeling right now.

Mum kept saying today: "you are alright though, aren't you? You sound really bright, in your voice."
I was thinking: oh gee, do I?? Because I feel like an absolute piece of worthless sh*t.

Do other people hate themselves as much as I secretly do?

~Tam~