Xmas Rant (and glow worm's bums)

Lost it a bit again. I wanted to kill myself - I wanted to take all the antipsychotic meds I had in one go, which really might have done it. But it was xmas the next day; even in my twisted state of mind I realised how awful it would be to do that to your family on xmas. I contented myself with shallow cuts on my arms and legs. lots of them.

Xmas day was a nightmare, so I actually wished I had taken the fucking pills. My SO knew I had gone nuts, so he insisted I go stay at my Mum's place while he organised our house-moving. So we were rushing around trying to get my clothes and things together, get the dogs in the car, get all the presents sorted... then I lost my car keys...

So we ended up ultra-late to xmas lunch at my Dad's (remember how I was anxious as it was only the second time I'd seen my Dad in 10 years of estrangement?) Well at the lunch, my older sister was being kind of a bitch. First she ignored me, and then displayed irrational jealously regarding my re-established relationship with my Dad. Like he hardly spoke to me anyway, and when Dad asked for a photo with his daughters, as in both of us, my sister was all: "Oh, I'll get out of the way." And when Dad replied no I want you both, she said:  "I would have thought you'd just want Tam in the picture."
What the holy fuck is her problem? Omg my stress was so high, and then we went to my SO's friends place, where we had to navigate the dogs again (who were going nuts) and then to my Mum's for xmas dinner. Well at my Mum's, the dog Henry (whom I'm currently fostering) attacked my Mum's dog and injured her really badly... Paddy (Mum's dog) has some deep wounds on her that I think need stitches and def some antibiotics, but we couldn't go to the vet on xmas or boxing day as we cant afford the prices for public holiday emergency vet. So looks like I'm going to take her tomorrow. No idea if the rescue organisation I got Henry from would cough up the vet fee for Paddy's wounds.

And today (boxing day) my SO's mum had a small get-together for lunch. The dogs escaped and went tearing around the bush and onto the road, chasing a bandicoot. Got them back eventually, lil' shits lol. I decided to stay the night with my SO at his mums.
Well then my Mum comes over and starts giving me shit for "not spending enough time with my nieces."

Well I kind of exploded a bit. I was like "Jeesus christ Mum, do you know how fucking hard I have had to try just to GET here, let  alone make it through xmas and boxing day with everyone? I'm absolutely exhausted!" (not to mention my SO and I had spent every moment with the kids up until then, so what the fuck??)
Mum knew I wasn't feeling the best, yet insists on being a f*king bitch. In addition, she made a big deal about me having Napolean (my Psychiatric Assistant Dog) in the house as he might leave hair. Oh for fucks sake.

With Mum, I am always in the wrong, what I'm doing is never good enough, my needs are last to everyone else's and my mental health is no excuse to request 5 fucking minutes alone to gather myself for the next installment of "cheery" acting.

So I can't stay at my rental property because the chaos of moving is sending me crazy, I can't stay at my Mum's because 1. she drives me crazy and wont leave me alone 2. she wont let Napolean in the house (whom I really need right now)

I'd happly brave the psych ward right now if I could have my dog with me lol, but somehow don't think they'd let me.

In the  meant-time I keep cutting up my arms and legs. Well I'm sorry but its the only way I can keep from trying to kill myself, so I'll take a few scratches.

Oh yeh, in addition, my bitch mother started abusing my SO in front of his whole family for "lying" about me being mentally well (Even though he contacted her last week and told her I was depressed).

My whole fucking family is crazy and so freaking self-centred! I wish somebody would give me a break, and more than anything I wish I had somewhere quiet to go with no stress and nobody AT ME all day long! helllp.

A funny rhyme to help brighten up the mood:

:)

~Tam~