Self-Harming again

I've had a bad couple of weeks. I am depressed, but it's very hard to actually admit that I'm in a "down" episode. It's like, somehow saying it aloud will make it real. I think there were a lot of stress factors that brought it on... University has been really getting on top of me, I'm doing too many units, and the work-load is a bit above my stress-capabilities. Unfort I can't really do much about this, as its my final semester of uni, and if I defer a unit now I'd have to wait a whole year before I could repeat the unit - and how am I supposed to get money in the meantime, if I haven't got my degree so I can get a job? My disability pension only goes to the end of the year also. And then, there has been a huge uncertainty as to where my SO and I will actually be living next year, as my SO has applied for scholarships to do a phD in America - he has his heart totally set on going to this particular university over there. A few nights ago he really upset me by saying: "I don't think we can both afford to go over, I might need to go over by myself for a year or so."
I was completely shocked. I was like: "you'd seriously leave me here for a year or more?" and he kind of went: "well you know, there's really big career opportunities for me in America."
Well I don't know if I was overreacting or not, but I was really hurt that he'd put that ahead of our relationship, hands down. Um, I can hardly function even WITH that support person to rely on... how the hell does he think I'd cope on my own for a friggen year or two?? :S Anyway, then I internally chastised myself, thinking well why the hell should he put his life on hold for you, you're probably a freaking nuisance already, and a depressing one at that. Should I really blame the man for wanting to leave me behind?
Anyway, these things all just kind of compiled and added to the pile of self-worthlessness/hopelessness that had already descended on me in my dark mental state. And then there is the trouble I have always had with sex, that I actually hate it and I cry afterwards every time and I feel so goddammit worthless. So after I'd made myself shuttup over the America thing, thinking I didn't have a right to be mad or upset about it, the next day there was a "quickie" sesh that I gave into over guilt (it had been ages) and afterwards I felt like absolute shit.
I hurt so much, and I've been so sad and so utterly exhausted. I thought about death a lot, but I didn't really want to die, I wanted to live but I didn't - I don't - know how. So the self-harm comes in, because it makes me feel something of being alive, and I don't know what else to do.

I had an appointment with the psychologist the other day and I was pretty honest about what I was feeling. I think he wanted to see my arms for the SH, but I kind of brushed him off, saying: "oh well it was only shallow and was a few days ago so mostly healed." (there were quite a few scabs on my arms of course, but I didn't really want to show.) He didn't press me any further. I think I might have said a bit too much though; without really meaning too I said something in regards to SH: "I wish I just had the courage to do it properly and just end it." And then he started asking me if I'd often been having these thoughts and if I'd made any "plans." I hadn't, only the thoughts and speculations, so I was quick to make that clear. God forbid they should send me back into a psych ward! and plus it is unnecessary at the moment; I am just sad. I'll be alright. I have Napolean! xx

above: food??.... dead. food???? ...... dead. :D



~Tam~