Something's Broken

My physiology exam this morning was way more difficult that I expected! I studied hard for a week before hand, only to be completely stumped by a number of questions... :/ I'm so annoyed because I wanted to do well in the unit, but judging from how I went in the exam today I don't think I'm going to get the greatest mark. Well, I suppose I'll pass, which is the main thing! Still it would be nice to keep up good grades so that I can get into the science honours program later if I want to.
2 exams to go: Neuroscience, and then Mental Well-Being In Today's World - a broadening unit that I took, which should not be too difficult. I mean, I'm an expert on lack-of-mental-wellness LOL!

Speaking of which, I went a bit nuts this weekend past and was really depressed and cut my legs and arms a fair bit :( But I'm a lot better now. I think I was triggered because my cousin is coming over from england and is staying with my Dad (I haven't been in contact with my Dad since I was 11), so we were trying to arrange for me to come pick her up from Dad's, and at the same time re-establish a relationship with Dad and meet his wife and my half-brothers for the first time. Of course this resulted in me going into a fit of extreme anxiousness followed by self-doubt and depression, I am f*cking pathetic, aren't I? I mean wtf, I can't cope with ANYTHING that might be stressful without ending up with scars on my body... it's so lame and getting really old. Why am I so weak and broken??

 I think there is something wrong with me inside. Well yes, I know there is, it's called Bipolar Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety.... In a word, NUTS!! lol. (no offence to anyone else with these disorders, am only referring to myself as nuts here!) and I hate that I am STILL at the mercy of these conditions. Drs keep saying to me: "But you're so intelligent!!" as in, I'm smart so I should be smart enough to manage the condition and shouldnt be doing stupid things like self-harm and suicide attempts. I wish they would stop saying this because it makes me feel like a pathetic loser for not being able to take care of myself and shoulder some responsibility like a normal adult. *Sigh.

ANYWAY, enough self-berrating for now....

I can't wait 'til exams are all over! It will be so nice to have some time to do other non-uni related things - I want to do some more work in the garden, plant some more plants.... go through and throw out my old clothes, and generally get the house in order... do some art, some writing, some music practice... just STUFF! stuff that's fun and not stressful. Yee!
I will just not think about the looming meetup with my Dad coming after exams, gah!


Well, for now - Au-reviour!



~Tam~


creepy picture I found on Deviant Art, by Jane Moth: Summarises how I feel!