My dog is a Savage Beast who has panic attacks

I don't know what's wrong with me. My mind feels all fuzzy. I can't focus on anything and I'm really tired. It's so much effort to get up in the morning to feed the dogs. Napolean has been sleeping in my room for the past few days, to keep me company, as my SO has gone up north with his family for a holiday, for a week.  Leaving me to deal with our aggressive, fence-jumping dog Blair whom our real-estate agent has demanded we re-home within the next couple of days. Yep, great timing to leave me on my own! Needless to say, I've been spending a lot of time snuggling with the dogs. My housemate got angry at me because I let Blair into my room too because she was barking non-stop and I could not sleep!! Its the only way to shut her up!! But J says he's scared that he'll encounter a panicked, aggro dog in the hallway at night, which is a good point. Who knows how she'd react if she bumped into him at night, probably go into "KILL IT! KILLLL ITTTT!!!!!" mode, which she does when she's petrified.  Which is most of the time. But now I have to listen to ROWROWROWROWROW ALL night long, drives me crazy!!! Maybe thats why I'm feeling so exhausted, I can't get a solid night sleep coz of the dogs.

Haha, Blair just walked up to me and licked my head, as though to say: "See, I'm a nice dog, I wouldn't  maul anyone...."

Yeh, Blair, apart from that friendly little dog you nearly killed last week.

^^ looks so deceptively innocent, doesn't she... who would know from these pictures that she's actually a savage beast lol!

I took her walking with her muzzle on yesterday, and she had a random panic attack near the shops - she completely freaked out because of the traffic and the people around, and she froze and started shaking all over and making this weird breathing noise, and then like threw herself on the ground and wouldn't move. I put my arms around her to calm her down, and I could feel her heart beating like crazy. Poor thing! Then when she eventually stood up she pooed everywhere. Like everywhere. Poor old Blair, I wish I could afford to get her on anxiety meds like she needs.

Oh btw my hair isnt that colour any more, its now a burgundy-brown (yep i got bored and changed it yet again... I like this darker colour better on me though. My skin is really bad at the moment because I have been so anxious and picking at it - I have that dermophilia OCD-type disorder thing. I have wounds and scabs all over me, its gross and weird, I don't know how to stop! It's like I have to do it, or something. :/

I've been a bit sad lately, too. I already mentioned that, didn't I? Well I keep thinking I wish I could just permanently go to sleep. Well, to be more exact, I think: "I want to kill myself", and seriously, a lot of the time I wish I could. But I'm not sick enough to forget what that would do to the people I care about - I just couldn't cause someone that much pain because of something I did. Not while I can think clearly enough to reason that far, that is.

I'm so tired. In monty python style: "MY BRAIN HURTS!!" I feel really bad and exhausted, and I don't like being alive right now. I'm finding myself doing that thing where I'll be using a knife in the kitchen and I just stop and stare at it and imagine myself... well, you get the drift. The weird knife-obsession happens when I'm getting unwell. I'm not self-harming, I don't want to self harm, I just want to not BE.

Oh, it's just started to rain outside... how I love the sound of rain! It's beautiful. I could live if I could just lay there listening to the ocean or the sound of rain hitting the roof and pavements.

rain noises:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qj9rVFIwRk


~Tam~