I'm so very confused. I absolutely cannot really see the point in anything; and yet I cling to certain things almost desperately - mainly my SO and my assistant dog lol. Without them I would definitely die. I was thinking the other day that maybe I will kill myself when my dog dies, and then I realised how ridiculous that would sound to most people.. but I do not feel like there is any point in living. I suppose I am depressed - but I cannot imagine/remember feeling any different, and I cannot convince myself that it's just the illness talking..
This morning when I got up I could not stop staring at knives in the kitchen, and imagining stabbing myself with them, messed up, right? And then all morning I've been thinking that maybe if I cut myself a little and watch myself bleed then I will feel more alive... but the psychologist says that SH ultimately makes you feel worse, so I am trying to listen and am resisting the urge.
Ahhh, my friend just messaged me and said they were feeling depressed.... why is everybody so sad??
:(
~Tam~
Dear Tam,
ReplyDeleteI relate to basically everything you have said. I would not be alive if it wasn't for my husband and dogs. I ruminate on hurting myself too.
Things I have done that sort of help:
I took our knives out of the knife block and put them in a drawer. That way I don't see them all the time.
Keep lists, make plans. Even when I feel awful and don't want to do anything, I still write something to do. It can be what I am stressed about, sad about, what I want to do when I feel better, things I like about my dog or husband, just about anything. I find it really does help and keeps me occupied for a bit.
Anyway, I'm thinking of you. I know so many people are sad, I am too, but I guess we can say we are in this together.
Love, C
Thank you so much Catherine xx That's a good idea about putting the knives away... and I will definitely try the list thing! I hope you are feeling better very soon xxo
ReplyDelete