Barking Mad

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I love the comic series Hyperbole and a Half. I was discussing recently with a friend that I have a tonne of Napolean-the-service-dog stories that are yet to be told. Meshing these two ideas together, I decided to try and create my own comic series using good ol' fashioned "paint."

So here is my first mini trial run - an artistic depiction of the first time I took Napolean to the shopping centre, and the adventures that befell us whilst sitting down for a coffee.

First things first, introductions.

This is my big white hairy wolfhound x dog, Napolean:

This is me; I'm a human:

Napolean is a "Psychiatric Assistance Dog", AKA "Portable Teddy Bear". This is what we look like when N-dog is "working":

 So, this fine day, N-dog and I decided to face our social anxiety fears and go to the local supermarket. We decided to have a break and sit down for a coffee.

Suddenly, we are approached by a batty looking middle aged woman...

... and I'm not deaf, either. This lady had a voice like a frog-horn. There wasn't one person within a 5 mile radius who couldn't hear her. Then she proceeded to ask a very deep question:

While I was trying to come up with a response to this philosophical enquiry, as well as politely point out for a second time that I wasn't actually blind, and that poop was very visable to me,  and that in fact N-dog was well toilet trained....

The lady shuffles off as if she forgot that she were even speaking to me.

After this first encounter, Ndog and I were unsure whether we really were ready to face the outside world. Fortunately for you, dear reader, our bravery prevailed, leading to many more hilarious and weird public encounters ....

THE END (for now...)

Hope you enjoyed it!!

~Tam~

AWKWARD.

So, I was reflected on all the awkward moments in life, and since there are so many of them, I thought I'd make my own personal list of "That Awkard Moment When..." 's . Am sure you will all relate to some of them.

THAT AWKARD MOMENT WHEN...

1.  You try opening the door with the huge "PULL" sign, by pushing it. Or maybe its a "PUSH" sign - but whatever it is, you always do the opposite. There are always people watching and waiting for you to figure out how to open the door so that they too can enter.

2. Someone is walking towards you and you both try to dodge each other but end up colliding instead. You then try to dodge a second time, and collide a second time. You pretend to laugh it off together but really are dying of awkwardness on the inside. This goes on indefinitely.

2. Someone adds you on facebook and starts messaging you like they've known you for years, and you actually have no idea who this person is. You interrupt their big update about their life by going: "excuse me, but I actually have no idea who you are? How do I know you?" They respond simply by typing offended question marks: "??" You feel so awkward that you quickly unfriend this person before you can create any more offensive awkwardness.

3. You're visiting someone and their dog is apparently super attracted to your leg. You refrain urge to kick the dog, and try to gently remove it from your leg, while the host just stands there pretending like their dog isn't currently dry humping their guest.

4. That hot-and-cold "friend" you have decides to ignore you today when you say hello on the way to your lecture room. The friendly smile drops from your face as you try not be offended by this awkward snub.

5. Your enormous service dog lets off a loud and very smelly fart during one of the lectures you are attending. It is a small lecture room, and the windows are closed. You don't know whether to laugh, or get up and open the window, or pretend that it hasn't happened. Apparently the whole class feels the same as they all sit there trying not to react to the horrific stench now wafting through the room. Your service dog is apparently completely oblivious to the awkward discomfit he has caused, and goes ahead and falls asleep, snoring loudly enough to be heard over the lecturer.

6. You happen to be standing near a group of people at university. they are having a convo and you are evesdropping (I mean, its not like you can HELP hearing them, right?) You decide to suddenly join in with what you thought was a hilarious remark. Everyone stares at you in stunned silence. You awkwardly leave before things get worse.

7. A stranger starts up a convo with you at the supermarket. They seem nice so you chat for a moment, ... but it becomes slowly apparent that the stranger is raving mad and you start to become afraid that they'll follow you home and kill you. They are also blocking the isle so you can't move past them, and they are forcibly continuing the conversation while you awkwardly look for a way to escape. You wait for something to distract them then quickly run away while they're not looking.

8. Someone asks you what you did on Sat night, and you awkwardly consider how to answer... as you reflect upon the night you spent eating fish and chips with your mum and your aunty and dog, while the three of you tried to figure out a "Barbie Camper-Van" Toy that is to be bestowed your cousin's kid for their birthday. You don't mention any of this to your friend - nor the full hour it took you to figure out where the pink button was on the Barbie Van that would turn on the music.

9. You're in an opera rehearsal, and you forgot to put your phone on silent. Someone calls you. This is your ring-tone: ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVqkDfDAcoQ




So I decided to put 9 examples. because 9 seems like more of an awkward number than 10. Hope you enjoyed!! :D


~Tam~

CowDog

Just discovered the wonderful blog of my friend Claire at http://plantsandgoldfish.blogspot.com.au/

Omg Claire you are hilarious and I totally relate to your points of view about subway sandwiches, service dogs and various other things.  Apart from using the gym -  I avoid exercise unless its walking my dog. And even that... well, he makes me do it, as he will sit on my foot and make insistent whiny noises until I take him.

This afternoon we walked at the oval, and there were a whole tonne of other dogs down there so he had a fantastic time! Napolean even let one of the other dog-owners pat him - he is getting brave :D

Here are some pictures of us on Halloween night - I was playing in a halloween concert so had dressed up as a cowgirl!

~Tam~

Body-Bind

Roped from the arm to the tight belly-not
A thought or two worries at the end-fray
Dreadful, weedling thought, misting me over:
"Won't you try?" Wont. Can't do it today.

Instead I'll die with the word on and in me
Ferocious, damning should should should should should
And my scolding, Mother-brain cry-shouting:
"Why resent what's bound to do you good??"


~Tam~

Leap Into the Void

"Soon
I'm gonna marry a man like no other
Light the fuse, hallelujah, halleluja
Love, love is the warmest colour
Petrol blues, hallelujah, hallelujah
Come, saut dans le vide, my lover
In my youth, the greatest tide washed up my prize -
You."

~ Lyrics from "Nara", by Alt-J
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtmrYisoxXA

^"Le Saut Dans le Vide" - Photograph by Yves Klein

~Tam~

My Heart Is Back!

Haven't written forever because I was sort of dead inside due (I think) to the high dose of antidepressant I was on. Well, I felt ready to taper-down the dose, and see how I managed having actual emotions again. And oh its so great! I mean, yeh it hurts because if I get anxious or sad its really strong - I forgot how 'physical' those feelings can be. But the great thing is, I think I can actually deal with my own emotional reactions MUCH better now.  So over the last couple of weeks, whenever I'm feeling temporarily overwhelmed by extra-strong emotions, I say to myself: "Yep but this is a feel passing through you, and its a hell of a lot better than that dreadful emptiness you've been walking around with for the past year!"

And boy is it true. I'm at the point where, I'd rather deal with my emotions than feel that god-awful NOTHINGNESS and complete lack of interest or emotional response to anything. It's freaking awful! I've only ever felt like THAT on the meds. I'm one of those people whom "depression" doesn't mean disinterest, it means emtotional PAIIIIIIIIINNN to extreeeme extent. I used to think I'd rather feel nothing than that pain, but I just cant take the empty any more, it's not really living walking around like an empty shell. I said to a friend the other day, that if I was to face a Boggart (the creature in harry potter that turns into your greatest fear), my greatest fear would be the sensation of emptiness, of nothingness, just going on and on endlessly. I don't know what that would look like, maybe a space vacuum or something. At this point in time I'm more scared of that than my own intense emotions.

So here's to FEELING things - even painful things sometimes. To me, emotion is what makes you human, what makes you alive.  So here's to all of us feeling truly alive. <3 <3

^(firey-heart picture stolen off google images)

~Tam~

Absolutely

I think I actually killed myself inside.  Years spent trying to repress emotion, and now lost most geniune feeling altogether. I feel like there's no spark of life left inside me - I don't really feel alive, I don't feel any kind of inspiration about living. I'm tired and restless at the same time. Sometimes I want to cry but can't. I want to write but haven't any words, because there's just nothing left.. nothing left at all. Just this big empty bottomless pit of ... just nothingness.

I don't know how else to say it.

Just

nothing

nothing

nothing

~Tam~

Lonesome

I think it's starting to hit me, that my Fiance (okay yes I love using that term) is not coming home from a conference next week, but that it'll be five long months before we can cuddle and hang out again. I'm sad and I feel really empty - kind of like how I imagine it must be to lose a limb, and keep forgetting and trying to use it, only to find a gaping space where it used to be.

In my case, the space (the lack of significant other) is only temporary, and we can still console each other with skype chats and messages. Still, it feels really bad!!

Sometimes I want to hurt myself (but I don't, because I don't want to go down that path again), sometimes I just want to cry and hug my dog and hide under the covers. I like being asleep because then I'm not awake and sad and tired. I feel overwhelmed and just want the whole world to stop - or, more accurately, I want ME to stop being. But then I remember that I'm catastrophizing, dramatising, everything-ising and that am an emotionally unstable human who is allover the place anyway, and that everything I feel comes in phases. And so I'm trying to hang on to the moment, to only focus on the things I CAN cope with, as in, small things like put the kettle on, make a coffee, feed dog. put clothes on. shower. these things are hard enough, but if I can do them, then the rest of the day usually follows okay.

On another note, Oreo cookies are delicious. :) Also, dog is currently resting his head on my foot. It makes my heart warm :) <3

~Tam~

Bee's and Blogs and Flute and Dog

I said I would try and write a little every day, so...

Single words that summarise day:

Sleep.
More sleep.
Hug Dog.
Feed Dog.
Drink coffee.
Play facebook games.
Hug Dog more.
Read Frankestein.
Play chess online.
Dog.
Dog.
Dog.
Sleep.
Sleeping Dog.

All in all, quite productive, I'd say! :P In other news, university starts again next week. Am looking forward to auditioning for the principal flute parts in the orchestra!! (Gonna out-play them all yeh!)



Me as Queen Bee Flautist:

^^anonymous cartoon found off internet. 

~Tam~

Bad Dreams

I find it really difficult to write anything these days. I spend so much time trying to distract myself from how I really feel.. but writing brings it out, it just really hurts. But maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe if I write just a little, every day, I can slowly sort through it all. I mean, when you have suppressed emotions, you don't have to let it out all at once, right? If I did that, I'd probably kill myself with the pain of it. So, a little at a time it is. I remember my old psychologist saying: "try and allow yourself to feel the pain, really feel it, even if it's only for a couple of seconds. Then, if it's too much to bear, distract yourself from it again. Practise doing this, "letting" yourself feel it, and you will slowly learn that you are able to survive the pain. It will cease controlling you."

So much easier said than done, though, isn't it? It's terrifying, trying to allow yourself to face that dark emptiness, to look straight at it, even for a second. I'm afraid that, if I do, I'll fall into that void and never climb out again.


This song by "Phantogram" reminded me of me own avoidance techniques.


BAD DREAMS (by Phantogram)

Bad dreams never affect me 
I’m not afraid of the concrete 
Bad dreams never affect me 
I’m not afraid of the concrete

I’m not doing this all in fun 
I just gotta go
I’m not doing this all in fun 
Just say goodbye 
Baby you’ve got soul

To changing me
And I believe this happened once before 
To changing me
And I predict the world will be all gone 
To changing me
And I can see the same things that you see 
To changing me
‘Cause I predict the world

Bad things never neglect me 
I’m just a scene in a movie 
Bad thoughts never arrest me 
I’m just a flash in a memory

To changing me
And I believe this happened once before 
To changing me
And I predict the world will be all gone 
It’s a shame you never knew it
And I can see the same things that you see 
It’s a shame you never knew it 
‘Cause I predict the world

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPW2QcJI5yk






~Tam~

Worries, Triumphs and How To Sit On A Chair

Haven't written on here in a while. I'm tired and slow. I think I'm only half alive.

No no, I know what this is really about. A_ is leaving for america soon, to begin his PhD. I'm hoping to join him early next year, but everything depends on me getting a full scholarship to do my Masters in music over there. And THAT depends on getting a letter of recommendation from the flute professor at the university. And said professor has not answered any of my emails for weeks now, or given any feedback on the recordings I sent in. gahhh. I'm just so terrified that none of this is going to work, and I'll be stuck in Australia doing jack-all while A_ does his PhD in america for four years or more. I honestly don't think I could survive without him for years like that. And plus, like what the hell would I do with myself? If I don't get into postgraduate study with music, then where am I going with music at all? What on earth would my next step be, or should I give up music and go back to science?

I did have a small confidence booster however - I got selected as one of the three finalists for a Concerto competition at my current university. This means I get to play in two concerts with a full orchestra to accompany me, yay! Am really excited as have never had an opportunity to play as a soloist with a full orchestra before. Am also a bit nervous as it'll be he first time I've performed from memory in front of a large audience, and I reaallly want to prove myself. I'd love to win, mostly because I want to prove to myself that I can do it, that I can be an outstanding musician and that I have what it takes to make it.

Oh, I also auditioned for ANAM (Australian National Academy of Music), which is in Melbourne. But I have no idea if I even have a chance of getting the scholarship to go there. I was not selected last time I tried.

But all the longing and all the worry about the future - both immediate and long-term - is getting all jumbled up inside me and its messing with my head, and I have bouts of extreme hopelessness and exhaustion and zero motivation. Gahhhh.

But everything usually works out one way or another, doesn't it? Will all find a way to survive eventually... don't we?

I feel like, without A_ and without a  career in music to pursue, I might as well just die. It's sounds melodramatic, but..

I'm telling my dog Napolean that he has to live the same length as me, because I need him lol. You can see why from the pictures below:


"Correct Way to Sit on a Couch" OR "what to do when avoiding bath time" tutorial by Napolean:

 

 *operation complete*

~Tam~

Beneath the Clouds

I was wondering, today. Just wondering. Nay, I kid, what I was wondering was this: What is "healthy"? What would make a person at optimal health? How would they feel?

I imagine one would feel alive, and absolutely there. The only times I've felt those things is while manic-as-hell, which isn't the "healthiest" state to be in, as its dangerous and impulsive. I haven't had a manic episode for over a year and a half. I've almost completely forgotten what it feels like, to be so wonderfully alive. To actually enjoy each moment - why can't I enjoy the moments any more?

All I want to do is escape the living, so I watch movies and read books and play games to try and dull out the world outside... or is it to try and dull the world inside?

~Tam~

HAPPY CHOCOLATE SUNDAY

Happy Chocolate Sunday!! :D

I don't believe in christian things but I DO believe very firmly in the miraculous power of chocolate. Truly, 'tis divine.

I hope you all gorge yourselves silly, and not even feel guilty for it.

In other news, can you believe my significant other  convinced me to come and sit through a 2-hour Easter service in which he was singing? I only agreed to come because it was a sung gospel, and he was playing Jesus, which I thought was hilarious as he is also a lost soul (AKA damned heathen).

So I took my wonderful Dog (forget God, I worship Dog!) and he seemed to be thinking what I was thinking, because he kept yawning loudly and sighing and then throwing himself down sideways on the ground in bored resignation.

I'm sorry to any religious folk, but when I listen to all the nice stuff about "God" symbolising complete love etc I think "hey thats actually really nice message" ... and then that's completely blown when I start hearing how apparently those who don't follow that one particular religion out of thousands and thousands of religions around the world, are all damned to hell for eternity, and then I go back to disliking organised religion with a passion. Everyone has the right to practise whatever beliefs they want, but when they start persecuting others for not agreeing with them - seriously that is just f*cked up.

^heheehe

I will teach my kids love and tolerance towards everyone, but I'm not going to indoctrinate them into thinking they have to "save" other people who would otherwise be damned for interpreting the world in a different way. And I sure as hell aren't going to teach them that they should perpetually "repent" for being human, as if by just existing they have been born into sin. This stuff just annoys the crap out of me. So does the maniacal grin of overly-devout christian followers. Sorry but do you really have to smile at me in that crazily terrifying way? Please stop. Just, no. I don't think I can take sitting through any more church services lol, even for the music.

.. . Well I could go on and on about why I dislike organised religion hehe, but I'll end on my originally positive message:

CHOCOLATE IS GOOD. SO ARE DOGS. So in light of this, Happy Easter (atheist or otherwise) from me, hope you get to spend it with your family and friends, as I will be :)

~Tam~

Anxiety or Tummy-Bug? (And Other Dramatic Tales)

I thought I had a stomach bug today - missed band rehearsal but let the conductor know I was sick. Thing is, after I had done that, my tummy starting feeling better. Like it just went away and I was fine again. So now I wonder if I was just super anxious at the thought of going out and facing people again, following the mini-dramas of this morning (my life is full of mini-dramas. Well okay, my life alternates between mini dramas and periods of total boringness where I stay home and do nothing because I'm too exhausted or anxious).

"Boringness" should totally be a real word.

^^refer to story below

So anyways... "back at the ranch"... well, N-dog and I were heading out to a psychiatrist appointment, since my social worker kindly reminded me that it was 10am (thanks social worker because I completely forgot about it as usual).

So of course, on the way there, I forget where the turn-off is and end up completely lost. I eventually found the clinic but I arrived there about 15 minutes late. Well, first I walk in and the girl at the counter says: "you have to leave your dog outside." Me: "uhh, he's a Service Dog, and I called and let the front desk know he was coming with me."
Girl at desk: "oh, sorry, that's cool then."
Yes well that fairly neutral exchange got me ridiculously and rather irrationally anxious, in addition to my being so late.
So the Dr invites me into office, then proceeds to tell me how pissed off she is that I'm so late.
Bitchy Pdoc: "Thanks to you turning up so late, we only have 10 minutes left of the appointment."
Me: "I told you I was sorry, I got lost and panicked."
"Yes well we can't even talk now because there's 10 minutes."
Me: "Look, I'm having a hard time remembering things and organizing myself, and am constantly being berrated for something I can't help" *Bursts into tears*
Bitchy Pdoc: *completely unmoved, throws tissue box at me irritably*
N-dog: *stands up and licks my head* (what an awesome dog)
Bitchy Pdoc: "do you have enough meds"
Me: "No, I lost the last script you gave me"
Bitchy Pdoc: *looking on computer records* "Well, it wasn't me who gave u that script, it was a different Dr in January. You honestly don't remember any of that?" (said in accusitory tone)
Me: "Um, no, I don't.. sorry??"
Bitchy pdoc: *grumpy sigh* *writes out script in silence*
Me: *after an awkward silence, I tentatively try to explain anxiety/panic issues lately, but stop halfway through sentence when realise Dr is completely ignoring me and not listening to a word*
Bitchy pdoc: *shoves script at me*  "see you in two months."

YEH WELL THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH BITCHY PDOC.


So, moving on from the complete failure of the mental health system as far as Drs are concerned.. I had a quick catchup with my support worker afterwords (she was nice and helpful, thank goodness!) I realised I desperately needed to go to the shopping centre as N-dog was really hungry, he hadn't had breaky because we ran out of food (both dog and human food).
I was scared of having panic attack, but I steeled myself and went to shops. Successfully survived shopping trip, and the multitudes of people coming up to me asking me about N-dog...

Typical conversation with random nosy shoppers:

"What kind of dog is that?"
Me: Irish wolfhound cross.
Shopper: "Service Dog Trainee... what does that mean?"
"It means he's training to be an assistance dog." (DUH).
"Service for what?"
"For me."
"Doing what? Are you blind?"
"No I am not blind. (Do I fucking look blind? I'm wearing a pair of vision glasses for one thing) He is a Psychiatric Assistance Dog."
"What does that mean?"
"He helps with depression, anxiety, panic attacks etc"
"Oh. How does he help?"
"He comforts me and helps me cope."

..... multitude of other stupid and boring questions and repeats of the "Oh, so... you're NOT blind?" (NO IM NOT FUCKING BLIND).

Jeesus christ I hate the public. I want to be a hermit in a cottage by the sea with my dog and Ambrose. I also hate people who preach about jesus christ (fyi).






Most things and people scare the crap out of me, apart from Napolean, who is the doggy-luv of my life.

^(N-dog is the big one).

So after all this, my point was..... might have been anxiety that made me sick, rather than tummy bug. 

Either way, it was an afternoon and evening at home of reading books.

Actually, I read a whole book. It was called "Surrender" and it's this gothic story where the main character turns out to be psychotic and... oh, oops shouldn't give it all away, right? I love dark stories, but I find I am not quite dark enough to write them myself. Does that make sense? I don't know. I think you need a kind of cold objectiveness when writing stories like that. If you felt too much while you were writing it, it would totally screw with you/ possibly even destroy you - that's what I reckon anyway!

Final musing: Is "Reckon" an all-Australian word? If I go to America and say: "I reckon that cheeseburger will give you diabetes" will they understand?

~Tam~

An Emotional Human, And Her Dog

 Some more dog pictures...

^^Napolean deciding that he's sleeping on our bed tonight!

^Napolean likes to lie in the hallway exactly half-way between Ambrose's study room and my own XD

^Trying to steal food off Ambrose... ninja-style!

This is the tattoo that I wanted to get designed as an armband - but I wanted to change the dragon to look like Falkor from never ending story, like give him floppy dog ears :P 

Can't be bothered writing much about my life atm... am struggling a bit with fatigue/lack of motivation but otherwise doing fine.

Apart from the random break down during a flute lesson at university - couldn't stop crying in front of my teacher (and principle flautist of WASO), how embaressing!! However after a couple of days in bed I picked up again :) So weird how I have those random melt-downs seemingly without warning, and then I'm fine again, wtf! Is that a borderline personality thing? It's not like bipolar episodes, just random emotional breakdowns!  Can be really awkward when you are in front of other people and can't control it though.. especially as am doing a music performance post-graduate :/ No idea where all these wild emotions come from with me! Oh well, just keep going I guess, can't let it stop me from pursuing what I want to do, right?

~Tam~

INFP

 I took the Jung personality test online and got INFP:

Humanmetrics Jung Typology Test™

Your Type

INFP

Introvert(67%)  iNtuitive(62%)  Feeling(50%)  Perceiving(44)%

• You have distinctive preference of Introversion over Extraversion (67%)
• You have distinctive preference of Intuition over Sensing (62%)
• You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (50%)
• You have moderate preference of Perceiving over Judging (44%)

According to Wkipedia:

• "I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFPs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).
• N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
• F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.^[8]
• P – Perception preferred to judgment: INFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.

"According to Myers-Briggs, INFPs focus much of their energy on an inner world dominated by intense feeling and deeply held ethics."

and according to similarminds.com ...

"creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic" LOL yep that's me in a nutshell!! What about you??

~Tam~

Asexuality - another orientation

ASEXUALITY (orientation) wikipedia definition: "Asexuality (or nonsexuality) is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the four variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. A study in 2004 placed the prevalence of asexuality at 1%."

^^ "Asexuality" flag

So hallelujah! My years of identity confusion and trying to "fix" my lack of sexuality are over! Asexuality IS AN ORIENTATION just like gay/straight etc. It's okay NOT to be sexually interested in either women or men. I have always been this way, and thought I was complete freak for it. And all the guilt and suffering in my relationship .... due to the problem of having a sexual partner and having to compromise and subsequently feel violated and worthless and totally messed up and confused... 

I am ASEXUAL and that is OKAY. I am finally okay with myself! Thank you internet and other like-minded people I have met for making me realise I am not alone. 

I wanted to post this blog so that other people who might be in the same boat can find some peace with their orientation - or lack thereof :) And so that 'sexual' people might gain a bit more understanding of us asexuals as regular people, not people who have a problem or who are 'unnatural.' I mean, heck, that's what 'straight' people used to say about homosexuality. 

Awareness needs to be spread about asexuality so that is also accepted as just another orientation, and for people to realise it is okay to be this way. 

- oh, and they need to add: "And I was NOT sexually molested/abused." 

AVEN website for more info on asexuality:   http://www.asexuality.org/en/

~Tam~

Rolling with the Runs

I'm having a sleeepy day today. It has been a bit of a stressful/exciting week. I started my post-graduate diploma of music performace (flute) at WAAPA (West Australian Academy of Performing Arts). I took Napolean to orientation, but obviously I couldn't bring him to the ensemble auditions etc. I'm PRAYING (as much as an atheist can "pray" lol) that I got into the main orchestra. Ideally as principle flautist, but I'm not sure. There are some great players at the academy. I think I rushed the piccolo excerpt too. But there's no point worrying about it until I found out I guess.
I tried auditioning for the choir too, but was kind of shut down lol. I was mortified! I've been singing with the chapel choir at the university of western Australia for 6 years (for which I had to audition to get in) and while I know I'm not like an amazingly skilled singer, I always thought I was a fairly decent alto/mezzo. However, I sang like four bars and the auditioner asked me if I was a vocal major, and I said I was an instrumentalist, then he told me I'm not good enough for the choir. I was trying not to be upset by it, but I was kind of like, 'um, okay... I'll just go then?' lol omg how embarrassing. :S But I really shouldn't care, I mean, I AM an instrumentalist after all... *sigh. I get upset by things way to easily! I hate failing at ANYTHING.

Well anyway, I was having a fair bit of trouble with anxiety before the orchestral auditions too. Starting from two days before the audition, I got reaaaalllly sick, as in running to the bathroom what felt like every 10min. The result of which I got really dehydrated and hypoglycaemic, resulting in shakiness, weakness, dizziness.. god it was awful! I ended up having to keep downing beta-blockers so that I could actually keep something down. Man I HATE this so much, I hate how anxiety controls my life so much! How the hell am I going to have a career as an orchestral player if I'm as sick as a dog every time I have to audition for something?

GAHHHH (sound of frustration). But anyway, after repeated administration of beta-adrenergic antagonists, the actual audition wasn't bad. except maybe the piccolo excerpt could have been better. meh.

Today we have a house inspection so I have been cleaning madly last night. Now I'm just waiting nervously for the real estate agent to turn up and start sniffing around for any missed dust or cobweb. I hope they come soon so that it can be over with!

I was meant to go to a grad diploma meeting at uni today, but I was soooo exhausted and I don't think I have the energy to drive there and have to interact with people again. It's hard to jump into all this after such a long break. I wonder what it feels like to live without any mental illness or disorder. Probably still hard, but maybe not AS hard. Not to be exhausted and sick from constant stressing would be nice.. or not having to worry about what extreme mood state you might find yourself in tomorrow...

I'd like it to go away please, I'd like to not be afraid of people and to just have a year where I feel like I'm truly LIVING without these things holding me back all the time!

Just needed a little self-involved whining sesh there, all done :P But what is this blog for if not to indulge in a little complaining? :)

Here is Napolean on my bed this morning, looking how I feel:

^^ "Nooo I refuse to acknowledge the day!"

And then, a little reluctant self reflection:

^^ "Okay, self-talk... Napolean, you need to get off ur ass and go eat some breakfast. Then take shit."

~Tam~

PS. Please excuse my messy room. I have cleaned it now (only because I had to for the inspection).

How Do They Know When It Poops?!

I wanted to share some "stories" since I've moved into my new rental area. I'd written a few things down that happened that made me laugh or smile, so I wanted to post them here on my blog.


Story 1: Meeting the neighbour

"Hang on," said my new neighbour, Aaron. "My son wants me to lift him up so he can say hello."
He disappeared for a moment, and a curious face popped over the fence in his place.
"Hi! I'm Harry." A little boy, about 6 years old, was grinning at me. One of his baby teeth were missing.
"Hi Harry," I said. "I'm Tam. This is my dog Napolean, and I'm also taking care of the little dog."
"What is the little dog's name?" asked Harry.
"It's Henry - sounds a bit like your name."
"No," Harry corrected me. "My name is like Harry Potter."
"Oh..." I paused. "Are you magic?"
"Nope," he admitted with a shrug. While I was trying to think of something else to say, Harry suddenly aught sight of the shovel I was leaning on. His eyes travelled down curiously to the hole I'd started to dig in the garden.
"So," he said conversationally, "are you enjoying digging up all that dirt?"
I swallowed a grin, and explained: "I'm going to plant something there."
"What sort of thing are you planting?"
Curious kid, this. "Well, it's a vine - sort of like the one you have growing over the fence here."
Aaron's voice came from behind the fence: "Our vine has beautiful flowers in the spring. I'm afraid they'll probably fall over into your backyard."
"No problem with me," I assured him quickly. I hated people who complained about a neighbours plant growing over their fence. Why would you complain about a bit of extra shade, or a beautiful addition to your garden?
"There'll be lots of flowers," added Harry enthusiastically. "That'll be good for you, coz they might cover up all the dog poo."
He'd obviously caught site of the big pile of excrement Napolean had just dumped unceremoniously in the middle of the yard. "That would be good, I agreed, grinning," but Harry had disappeared again. I heard a muffled "Ouch!" from Aaron as Harry presumable scrambled down from his shoulders.
Chuckling to myself, I continued my gardening until Ambrose came outside to see what I was doing.
"You missed meeting the neighbours," I told him. "There's Aaron, and his son, Harry, like in Harry Potter - except he says he's not magic."
"Damn," said Ambrose.


Story 2: Teaching a kids music workshop

I have a new job, as a flute teacher/music tutor at a kids music acadamy. It's only casual work at the moment, but is expected to become more regular shortly. Last week Ambrose and I took a singing workshop for kids at the academy. This is a conversation I had with one of the students whose Mum works at the academy. 

"Why do you have that dog? My Mum says it's because you have depression."
"Well, yes," I replied carefully, "sometimes I do have that, but not at the moment."
"What is depression?" he asked.
I thought for a second, wondering how to explain. "Well, you know how everybody feels sad, sometimes?"
He nodded.
"Well, depression is a sadness that is not normal, because you feel it for no reason. It can go on for a long time, and make you feel very tired and unwell."
"I know!" he said, as though suddenly grasping it. "It's a bit like how I feel when I have the flu and I'm stuck at home by myself.. I'm tired and also sort of lonely - even though my brother is always there, he's so annoying - and sometimes when I have the flu I just lay around and sigh."
I shot a small grin at Ambrose before replying: "You're right! It can be a bit like having the flu."
He seemed to be pondering this. "So.. so is that what your dog is for? For you to hug when you get that lonely feeling?"
I was taken aback, amazed at the perception of kids. "You know," I told him, "I think you've got it about right."


Story 3: Curious shoppers in the mall

Yesterday, Napolean and I went for an adventure to the shops. A torrent of people came up to us; asking me questions, trying to pat Napolean... I don't suppose they realised how overwhelming it was, for both of us! Poor old N-dog was shivering in his paws, so to speak. As we sat down together for a coffee in the central cafe, a passing lady suddenly leaned accross my table, and leering at me, said loudly: "I never understood how blind people know when their dog has done a poop?!" As you can imagine, I was rather taken aback by the question, and the seriousness in which it was asked.
"Um... well, I'm not blind, so I wouldn't know..?"
"Oh, you're not blind?!" she screeched. More than one head turned to look at us. I don't know who was more embarrassed, me or my dog.
"Then what is you're service dog for?!" the (presumable crazy) lady basically yelled. I opened my mouth to frame an answer, but she had already started to walk away, croaking to herself: "how do they know when it poops?!"



***

I hope you liked my stories! Here are some pictures I took when I was mucking around and checking out the cool photo-effects on my lap-top!

 

~Tam~

Bushfire alert

It's a little tough, being me. I suspect that it's a little tough being anyone. The problem is that we all feel way too much. The kind of emotions we are set to suffer from are really too much for anyone to bear. Evolutionary fail!!

I can't be bothered to write about my life, because its boring and kind of pathetic. But here is my "mindfulness" approach to the moment.

My body feels tired and heavy. My eyelids want to close even though it's only 4 in the afternoon. The sound of the airconditioning - a soft, repetitive humming - is strangely soothing. My body is sunk into the squishy sofa, I'm letting myself relax...

DING-DONG!

Well fuck, there goes the doorbell - it was A. returning from the shops. Get up, open the door, quick kiss, back to the couch... where was I? Back to my relaxing. Reach down and feel the soft fur of my dog. He heaves a sigh as if to say: "life is hard, even for a dog." I feel you, buddy, I feel you.

BRING BRING!!

A.'s phone ringing. Turns out there's another big fire near his parents place. Closer this time. Well, goodbye attempt at relaxation, hello afternoon of fret and worry.. goddamm Autralian summer heat and bushfires!!

Anyone in this area please stay safe!

~Tam~

Only talking to my dog today

Does anyone else "cocoon" when they are depressed? i.e., run away and hide under the covers in bed and refuse to acknowledge the presence of any other human?

I had to do that for a few hours yesterday. I couldn't help it - didn't mean to freak out Mum but I just became incapable of doing anything but cocooning. It worked though, and I emerged, not quite a butterfly, but a little improved.

I hate depression and I hate being weak. I kind of hate everything except my dog. He has been so lovely and staying with me at all times, letting me cuddle him <3 <3 <3 I do not want to live longer than my dog xx

~Tam~