Haven't written forever because I was sort of dead inside due (I think) to the high dose of antidepressant I was on. Well, I felt ready to taper-down the dose, and see how I managed having actual emotions again. And oh its so great! I mean, yeh it hurts because if I get anxious or sad its really strong - I forgot how 'physical' those feelings can be. But the great thing is, I think I can actually deal with my own emotional reactions MUCH better now. So over the last couple of weeks, whenever I'm feeling temporarily overwhelmed by extra-strong emotions, I say to myself: "Yep but this is a feel passing through you, and its a hell of a lot better than that dreadful emptiness you've been walking around with for the past year!"
And boy is it true. I'm at the point where, I'd rather deal with my emotions than feel that god-awful NOTHINGNESS and complete lack of interest or emotional response to anything. It's freaking awful! I've only ever felt like THAT on the meds. I'm one of those people whom "depression" doesn't mean disinterest, it means emtotional PAIIIIIIIIINNN to extreeeme extent. I used to think I'd rather feel nothing than that pain, but I just cant take the empty any more, it's not really living walking around like an empty shell. I said to a friend the other day, that if I was to face a Boggart (the creature in harry potter that turns into your greatest fear), my greatest fear would be the sensation of emptiness, of nothingness, just going on and on endlessly. I don't know what that would look like, maybe a space vacuum or something. At this point in time I'm more scared of that than my own intense emotions.
So here's to FEELING things - even painful things sometimes. To me, emotion is what makes you human, what makes you alive. So here's to all of us feeling truly alive. <3 <3
^(firey-heart picture stolen off google images)
~Tam~
I like this post.
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