Rolling with the Runs

I'm having a sleeepy day today. It has been a bit of a stressful/exciting week. I started my post-graduate diploma of music performace (flute) at WAAPA (West Australian Academy of Performing Arts). I took Napolean to orientation, but obviously I couldn't bring him to the ensemble auditions etc. I'm PRAYING (as much as an atheist can "pray" lol) that I got into the main orchestra. Ideally as principle flautist, but I'm not sure. There are some great players at the academy. I think I rushed the piccolo excerpt too. But there's no point worrying about it until I found out I guess.
I tried auditioning for the choir too, but was kind of shut down lol. I was mortified! I've been singing with the chapel choir at the university of western Australia for 6 years (for which I had to audition to get in) and while I know I'm not like an amazingly skilled singer, I always thought I was a fairly decent alto/mezzo. However, I sang like four bars and the auditioner asked me if I was a vocal major, and I said I was an instrumentalist, then he told me I'm not good enough for the choir. I was trying not to be upset by it, but I was kind of like, 'um, okay... I'll just go then?' lol omg how embarrassing. :S But I really shouldn't care, I mean, I AM an instrumentalist after all... *sigh. I get upset by things way to easily! I hate failing at ANYTHING.

Well anyway, I was having a fair bit of trouble with anxiety before the orchestral auditions too. Starting from two days before the audition, I got reaaaalllly sick, as in running to the bathroom what felt like every 10min. The result of which I got really dehydrated and hypoglycaemic, resulting in shakiness, weakness, dizziness.. god it was awful! I ended up having to keep downing beta-blockers so that I could actually keep something down. Man I HATE this so much, I hate how anxiety controls my life so much! How the hell am I going to have a career as an orchestral player if I'm as sick as a dog every time I have to audition for something?

GAHHHH (sound of frustration). But anyway, after repeated administration of beta-adrenergic antagonists, the actual audition wasn't bad. except maybe the piccolo excerpt could have been better. meh.

Today we have a house inspection so I have been cleaning madly last night. Now I'm just waiting nervously for the real estate agent to turn up and start sniffing around for any missed dust or cobweb. I hope they come soon so that it can be over with!

I was meant to go to a grad diploma meeting at uni today, but I was soooo exhausted and I don't think I have the energy to drive there and have to interact with people again. It's hard to jump into all this after such a long break. I wonder what it feels like to live without any mental illness or disorder. Probably still hard, but maybe not AS hard. Not to be exhausted and sick from constant stressing would be nice.. or not having to worry about what extreme mood state you might find yourself in tomorrow...

I'd like it to go away please, I'd like to not be afraid of people and to just have a year where I feel like I'm truly LIVING without these things holding me back all the time!

Just needed a little self-involved whining sesh there, all done :P But what is this blog for if not to indulge in a little complaining? :)

Here is Napolean on my bed this morning, looking how I feel:

^^ "Nooo I refuse to acknowledge the day!"

And then, a little reluctant self reflection:

^^ "Okay, self-talk... Napolean, you need to get off ur ass and go eat some breakfast. Then take shit."

~Tam~

PS. Please excuse my messy room. I have cleaned it now (only because I had to for the inspection).