Lonesome

I think it's starting to hit me, that my Fiance (okay yes I love using that term) is not coming home from a conference next week, but that it'll be five long months before we can cuddle and hang out again. I'm sad and I feel really empty - kind of like how I imagine it must be to lose a limb, and keep forgetting and trying to use it, only to find a gaping space where it used to be.

In my case, the space (the lack of significant other) is only temporary, and we can still console each other with skype chats and messages. Still, it feels really bad!!

Sometimes I want to hurt myself (but I don't, because I don't want to go down that path again), sometimes I just want to cry and hug my dog and hide under the covers. I like being asleep because then I'm not awake and sad and tired. I feel overwhelmed and just want the whole world to stop - or, more accurately, I want ME to stop being. But then I remember that I'm catastrophizing, dramatising, everything-ising and that am an emotionally unstable human who is allover the place anyway, and that everything I feel comes in phases. And so I'm trying to hang on to the moment, to only focus on the things I CAN cope with, as in, small things like put the kettle on, make a coffee, feed dog. put clothes on. shower. these things are hard enough, but if I can do them, then the rest of the day usually follows okay.

On another note, Oreo cookies are delicious. :) Also, dog is currently resting his head on my foot. It makes my heart warm :) <3

~Tam~