An Emotional Human, And Her Dog

 Some more dog pictures...

^^Napolean deciding that he's sleeping on our bed tonight!

^Napolean likes to lie in the hallway exactly half-way between Ambrose's study room and my own XD

^Trying to steal food off Ambrose... ninja-style!

This is the tattoo that I wanted to get designed as an armband - but I wanted to change the dragon to look like Falkor from never ending story, like give him floppy dog ears :P 

Can't be bothered writing much about my life atm... am struggling a bit with fatigue/lack of motivation but otherwise doing fine.

Apart from the random break down during a flute lesson at university - couldn't stop crying in front of my teacher (and principle flautist of WASO), how embaressing!! However after a couple of days in bed I picked up again :) So weird how I have those random melt-downs seemingly without warning, and then I'm fine again, wtf! Is that a borderline personality thing? It's not like bipolar episodes, just random emotional breakdowns!  Can be really awkward when you are in front of other people and can't control it though.. especially as am doing a music performance post-graduate :/ No idea where all these wild emotions come from with me! Oh well, just keep going I guess, can't let it stop me from pursuing what I want to do, right?

~Tam~

INFP

 I took the Jung personality test online and got INFP:

Humanmetrics Jung Typology Test™

Your Type

INFP

Introvert(67%)  iNtuitive(62%)  Feeling(50%)  Perceiving(44)%

• You have distinctive preference of Introversion over Extraversion (67%)
• You have distinctive preference of Intuition over Sensing (62%)
• You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (50%)
• You have moderate preference of Perceiving over Judging (44%)

According to Wkipedia:

• "I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFPs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).
• N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
• F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.^[8]
• P – Perception preferred to judgment: INFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.

"According to Myers-Briggs, INFPs focus much of their energy on an inner world dominated by intense feeling and deeply held ethics."

and according to similarminds.com ...

"creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic" LOL yep that's me in a nutshell!! What about you??

~Tam~

Asexuality - another orientation

ASEXUALITY (orientation) wikipedia definition: "Asexuality (or nonsexuality) is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the four variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. A study in 2004 placed the prevalence of asexuality at 1%."

^^ "Asexuality" flag

So hallelujah! My years of identity confusion and trying to "fix" my lack of sexuality are over! Asexuality IS AN ORIENTATION just like gay/straight etc. It's okay NOT to be sexually interested in either women or men. I have always been this way, and thought I was complete freak for it. And all the guilt and suffering in my relationship .... due to the problem of having a sexual partner and having to compromise and subsequently feel violated and worthless and totally messed up and confused... 

I am ASEXUAL and that is OKAY. I am finally okay with myself! Thank you internet and other like-minded people I have met for making me realise I am not alone. 

I wanted to post this blog so that other people who might be in the same boat can find some peace with their orientation - or lack thereof :) And so that 'sexual' people might gain a bit more understanding of us asexuals as regular people, not people who have a problem or who are 'unnatural.' I mean, heck, that's what 'straight' people used to say about homosexuality. 

Awareness needs to be spread about asexuality so that is also accepted as just another orientation, and for people to realise it is okay to be this way. 

- oh, and they need to add: "And I was NOT sexually molested/abused." 

AVEN website for more info on asexuality:   http://www.asexuality.org/en/

~Tam~

Rolling with the Runs

I'm having a sleeepy day today. It has been a bit of a stressful/exciting week. I started my post-graduate diploma of music performace (flute) at WAAPA (West Australian Academy of Performing Arts). I took Napolean to orientation, but obviously I couldn't bring him to the ensemble auditions etc. I'm PRAYING (as much as an atheist can "pray" lol) that I got into the main orchestra. Ideally as principle flautist, but I'm not sure. There are some great players at the academy. I think I rushed the piccolo excerpt too. But there's no point worrying about it until I found out I guess.
I tried auditioning for the choir too, but was kind of shut down lol. I was mortified! I've been singing with the chapel choir at the university of western Australia for 6 years (for which I had to audition to get in) and while I know I'm not like an amazingly skilled singer, I always thought I was a fairly decent alto/mezzo. However, I sang like four bars and the auditioner asked me if I was a vocal major, and I said I was an instrumentalist, then he told me I'm not good enough for the choir. I was trying not to be upset by it, but I was kind of like, 'um, okay... I'll just go then?' lol omg how embarrassing. :S But I really shouldn't care, I mean, I AM an instrumentalist after all... *sigh. I get upset by things way to easily! I hate failing at ANYTHING.

Well anyway, I was having a fair bit of trouble with anxiety before the orchestral auditions too. Starting from two days before the audition, I got reaaaalllly sick, as in running to the bathroom what felt like every 10min. The result of which I got really dehydrated and hypoglycaemic, resulting in shakiness, weakness, dizziness.. god it was awful! I ended up having to keep downing beta-blockers so that I could actually keep something down. Man I HATE this so much, I hate how anxiety controls my life so much! How the hell am I going to have a career as an orchestral player if I'm as sick as a dog every time I have to audition for something?

GAHHHH (sound of frustration). But anyway, after repeated administration of beta-adrenergic antagonists, the actual audition wasn't bad. except maybe the piccolo excerpt could have been better. meh.

Today we have a house inspection so I have been cleaning madly last night. Now I'm just waiting nervously for the real estate agent to turn up and start sniffing around for any missed dust or cobweb. I hope they come soon so that it can be over with!

I was meant to go to a grad diploma meeting at uni today, but I was soooo exhausted and I don't think I have the energy to drive there and have to interact with people again. It's hard to jump into all this after such a long break. I wonder what it feels like to live without any mental illness or disorder. Probably still hard, but maybe not AS hard. Not to be exhausted and sick from constant stressing would be nice.. or not having to worry about what extreme mood state you might find yourself in tomorrow...

I'd like it to go away please, I'd like to not be afraid of people and to just have a year where I feel like I'm truly LIVING without these things holding me back all the time!

Just needed a little self-involved whining sesh there, all done :P But what is this blog for if not to indulge in a little complaining? :)

Here is Napolean on my bed this morning, looking how I feel:

^^ "Nooo I refuse to acknowledge the day!"

And then, a little reluctant self reflection:

^^ "Okay, self-talk... Napolean, you need to get off ur ass and go eat some breakfast. Then take shit."

~Tam~

PS. Please excuse my messy room. I have cleaned it now (only because I had to for the inspection).

How Do They Know When It Poops?!

I wanted to share some "stories" since I've moved into my new rental area. I'd written a few things down that happened that made me laugh or smile, so I wanted to post them here on my blog.


Story 1: Meeting the neighbour

"Hang on," said my new neighbour, Aaron. "My son wants me to lift him up so he can say hello."
He disappeared for a moment, and a curious face popped over the fence in his place.
"Hi! I'm Harry." A little boy, about 6 years old, was grinning at me. One of his baby teeth were missing.
"Hi Harry," I said. "I'm Tam. This is my dog Napolean, and I'm also taking care of the little dog."
"What is the little dog's name?" asked Harry.
"It's Henry - sounds a bit like your name."
"No," Harry corrected me. "My name is like Harry Potter."
"Oh..." I paused. "Are you magic?"
"Nope," he admitted with a shrug. While I was trying to think of something else to say, Harry suddenly aught sight of the shovel I was leaning on. His eyes travelled down curiously to the hole I'd started to dig in the garden.
"So," he said conversationally, "are you enjoying digging up all that dirt?"
I swallowed a grin, and explained: "I'm going to plant something there."
"What sort of thing are you planting?"
Curious kid, this. "Well, it's a vine - sort of like the one you have growing over the fence here."
Aaron's voice came from behind the fence: "Our vine has beautiful flowers in the spring. I'm afraid they'll probably fall over into your backyard."
"No problem with me," I assured him quickly. I hated people who complained about a neighbours plant growing over their fence. Why would you complain about a bit of extra shade, or a beautiful addition to your garden?
"There'll be lots of flowers," added Harry enthusiastically. "That'll be good for you, coz they might cover up all the dog poo."
He'd obviously caught site of the big pile of excrement Napolean had just dumped unceremoniously in the middle of the yard. "That would be good, I agreed, grinning," but Harry had disappeared again. I heard a muffled "Ouch!" from Aaron as Harry presumable scrambled down from his shoulders.
Chuckling to myself, I continued my gardening until Ambrose came outside to see what I was doing.
"You missed meeting the neighbours," I told him. "There's Aaron, and his son, Harry, like in Harry Potter - except he says he's not magic."
"Damn," said Ambrose.


Story 2: Teaching a kids music workshop

I have a new job, as a flute teacher/music tutor at a kids music acadamy. It's only casual work at the moment, but is expected to become more regular shortly. Last week Ambrose and I took a singing workshop for kids at the academy. This is a conversation I had with one of the students whose Mum works at the academy. 

"Why do you have that dog? My Mum says it's because you have depression."
"Well, yes," I replied carefully, "sometimes I do have that, but not at the moment."
"What is depression?" he asked.
I thought for a second, wondering how to explain. "Well, you know how everybody feels sad, sometimes?"
He nodded.
"Well, depression is a sadness that is not normal, because you feel it for no reason. It can go on for a long time, and make you feel very tired and unwell."
"I know!" he said, as though suddenly grasping it. "It's a bit like how I feel when I have the flu and I'm stuck at home by myself.. I'm tired and also sort of lonely - even though my brother is always there, he's so annoying - and sometimes when I have the flu I just lay around and sigh."
I shot a small grin at Ambrose before replying: "You're right! It can be a bit like having the flu."
He seemed to be pondering this. "So.. so is that what your dog is for? For you to hug when you get that lonely feeling?"
I was taken aback, amazed at the perception of kids. "You know," I told him, "I think you've got it about right."


Story 3: Curious shoppers in the mall

Yesterday, Napolean and I went for an adventure to the shops. A torrent of people came up to us; asking me questions, trying to pat Napolean... I don't suppose they realised how overwhelming it was, for both of us! Poor old N-dog was shivering in his paws, so to speak. As we sat down together for a coffee in the central cafe, a passing lady suddenly leaned accross my table, and leering at me, said loudly: "I never understood how blind people know when their dog has done a poop?!" As you can imagine, I was rather taken aback by the question, and the seriousness in which it was asked.
"Um... well, I'm not blind, so I wouldn't know..?"
"Oh, you're not blind?!" she screeched. More than one head turned to look at us. I don't know who was more embarrassed, me or my dog.
"Then what is you're service dog for?!" the (presumable crazy) lady basically yelled. I opened my mouth to frame an answer, but she had already started to walk away, croaking to herself: "how do they know when it poops?!"



***

I hope you liked my stories! Here are some pictures I took when I was mucking around and checking out the cool photo-effects on my lap-top!

 

~Tam~

Bushfire alert

It's a little tough, being me. I suspect that it's a little tough being anyone. The problem is that we all feel way too much. The kind of emotions we are set to suffer from are really too much for anyone to bear. Evolutionary fail!!

I can't be bothered to write about my life, because its boring and kind of pathetic. But here is my "mindfulness" approach to the moment.

My body feels tired and heavy. My eyelids want to close even though it's only 4 in the afternoon. The sound of the airconditioning - a soft, repetitive humming - is strangely soothing. My body is sunk into the squishy sofa, I'm letting myself relax...

DING-DONG!

Well fuck, there goes the doorbell - it was A. returning from the shops. Get up, open the door, quick kiss, back to the couch... where was I? Back to my relaxing. Reach down and feel the soft fur of my dog. He heaves a sigh as if to say: "life is hard, even for a dog." I feel you, buddy, I feel you.

BRING BRING!!

A.'s phone ringing. Turns out there's another big fire near his parents place. Closer this time. Well, goodbye attempt at relaxation, hello afternoon of fret and worry.. goddamm Autralian summer heat and bushfires!!

Anyone in this area please stay safe!

~Tam~

Only talking to my dog today

Does anyone else "cocoon" when they are depressed? i.e., run away and hide under the covers in bed and refuse to acknowledge the presence of any other human?

I had to do that for a few hours yesterday. I couldn't help it - didn't mean to freak out Mum but I just became incapable of doing anything but cocooning. It worked though, and I emerged, not quite a butterfly, but a little improved.

I hate depression and I hate being weak. I kind of hate everything except my dog. He has been so lovely and staying with me at all times, letting me cuddle him <3 <3 <3 I do not want to live longer than my dog xx

~Tam~