Lonesome

I think it's starting to hit me, that my Fiance (okay yes I love using that term) is not coming home from a conference next week, but that it'll be five long months before we can cuddle and hang out again. I'm sad and I feel really empty - kind of like how I imagine it must be to lose a limb, and keep forgetting and trying to use it, only to find a gaping space where it used to be.

In my case, the space (the lack of significant other) is only temporary, and we can still console each other with skype chats and messages. Still, it feels really bad!!

Sometimes I want to hurt myself (but I don't, because I don't want to go down that path again), sometimes I just want to cry and hug my dog and hide under the covers. I like being asleep because then I'm not awake and sad and tired. I feel overwhelmed and just want the whole world to stop - or, more accurately, I want ME to stop being. But then I remember that I'm catastrophizing, dramatising, everything-ising and that am an emotionally unstable human who is allover the place anyway, and that everything I feel comes in phases. And so I'm trying to hang on to the moment, to only focus on the things I CAN cope with, as in, small things like put the kettle on, make a coffee, feed dog. put clothes on. shower. these things are hard enough, but if I can do them, then the rest of the day usually follows okay.

On another note, Oreo cookies are delicious. :) Also, dog is currently resting his head on my foot. It makes my heart warm :) <3

~Tam~

Bee's and Blogs and Flute and Dog

I said I would try and write a little every day, so...

Single words that summarise day:

Sleep.
More sleep.
Hug Dog.
Feed Dog.
Drink coffee.
Play facebook games.
Hug Dog more.
Read Frankestein.
Play chess online.
Dog.
Dog.
Dog.
Sleep.
Sleeping Dog.

All in all, quite productive, I'd say! :P In other news, university starts again next week. Am looking forward to auditioning for the principal flute parts in the orchestra!! (Gonna out-play them all yeh!)



Me as Queen Bee Flautist:

^^anonymous cartoon found off internet. 

~Tam~

Bad Dreams

I find it really difficult to write anything these days. I spend so much time trying to distract myself from how I really feel.. but writing brings it out, it just really hurts. But maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe if I write just a little, every day, I can slowly sort through it all. I mean, when you have suppressed emotions, you don't have to let it out all at once, right? If I did that, I'd probably kill myself with the pain of it. So, a little at a time it is. I remember my old psychologist saying: "try and allow yourself to feel the pain, really feel it, even if it's only for a couple of seconds. Then, if it's too much to bear, distract yourself from it again. Practise doing this, "letting" yourself feel it, and you will slowly learn that you are able to survive the pain. It will cease controlling you."

So much easier said than done, though, isn't it? It's terrifying, trying to allow yourself to face that dark emptiness, to look straight at it, even for a second. I'm afraid that, if I do, I'll fall into that void and never climb out again.


This song by "Phantogram" reminded me of me own avoidance techniques.


BAD DREAMS (by Phantogram)

Bad dreams never affect me 
I’m not afraid of the concrete 
Bad dreams never affect me 
I’m not afraid of the concrete

I’m not doing this all in fun 
I just gotta go
I’m not doing this all in fun 
Just say goodbye 
Baby you’ve got soul

To changing me
And I believe this happened once before 
To changing me
And I predict the world will be all gone 
To changing me
And I can see the same things that you see 
To changing me
‘Cause I predict the world

Bad things never neglect me 
I’m just a scene in a movie 
Bad thoughts never arrest me 
I’m just a flash in a memory

To changing me
And I believe this happened once before 
To changing me
And I predict the world will be all gone 
It’s a shame you never knew it
And I can see the same things that you see 
It’s a shame you never knew it 
‘Cause I predict the world

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPW2QcJI5yk






~Tam~

Worries, Triumphs and How To Sit On A Chair

Haven't written on here in a while. I'm tired and slow. I think I'm only half alive.

No no, I know what this is really about. A_ is leaving for america soon, to begin his PhD. I'm hoping to join him early next year, but everything depends on me getting a full scholarship to do my Masters in music over there. And THAT depends on getting a letter of recommendation from the flute professor at the university. And said professor has not answered any of my emails for weeks now, or given any feedback on the recordings I sent in. gahhh. I'm just so terrified that none of this is going to work, and I'll be stuck in Australia doing jack-all while A_ does his PhD in america for four years or more. I honestly don't think I could survive without him for years like that. And plus, like what the hell would I do with myself? If I don't get into postgraduate study with music, then where am I going with music at all? What on earth would my next step be, or should I give up music and go back to science?

I did have a small confidence booster however - I got selected as one of the three finalists for a Concerto competition at my current university. This means I get to play in two concerts with a full orchestra to accompany me, yay! Am really excited as have never had an opportunity to play as a soloist with a full orchestra before. Am also a bit nervous as it'll be he first time I've performed from memory in front of a large audience, and I reaallly want to prove myself. I'd love to win, mostly because I want to prove to myself that I can do it, that I can be an outstanding musician and that I have what it takes to make it.

Oh, I also auditioned for ANAM (Australian National Academy of Music), which is in Melbourne. But I have no idea if I even have a chance of getting the scholarship to go there. I was not selected last time I tried.

But all the longing and all the worry about the future - both immediate and long-term - is getting all jumbled up inside me and its messing with my head, and I have bouts of extreme hopelessness and exhaustion and zero motivation. Gahhhh.

But everything usually works out one way or another, doesn't it? Will all find a way to survive eventually... don't we?

I feel like, without A_ and without a  career in music to pursue, I might as well just die. It's sounds melodramatic, but..

I'm telling my dog Napolean that he has to live the same length as me, because I need him lol. You can see why from the pictures below:


"Correct Way to Sit on a Couch" OR "what to do when avoiding bath time" tutorial by Napolean:

 

 *operation complete*

~Tam~

Beneath the Clouds

I was wondering, today. Just wondering. Nay, I kid, what I was wondering was this: What is "healthy"? What would make a person at optimal health? How would they feel?

I imagine one would feel alive, and absolutely there. The only times I've felt those things is while manic-as-hell, which isn't the "healthiest" state to be in, as its dangerous and impulsive. I haven't had a manic episode for over a year and a half. I've almost completely forgotten what it feels like, to be so wonderfully alive. To actually enjoy each moment - why can't I enjoy the moments any more?

All I want to do is escape the living, so I watch movies and read books and play games to try and dull out the world outside... or is it to try and dull the world inside?

~Tam~

HAPPY CHOCOLATE SUNDAY

Happy Chocolate Sunday!! :D

I don't believe in christian things but I DO believe very firmly in the miraculous power of chocolate. Truly, 'tis divine.

I hope you all gorge yourselves silly, and not even feel guilty for it.

In other news, can you believe my significant other  convinced me to come and sit through a 2-hour Easter service in which he was singing? I only agreed to come because it was a sung gospel, and he was playing Jesus, which I thought was hilarious as he is also a lost soul (AKA damned heathen).

So I took my wonderful Dog (forget God, I worship Dog!) and he seemed to be thinking what I was thinking, because he kept yawning loudly and sighing and then throwing himself down sideways on the ground in bored resignation.

I'm sorry to any religious folk, but when I listen to all the nice stuff about "God" symbolising complete love etc I think "hey thats actually really nice message" ... and then that's completely blown when I start hearing how apparently those who don't follow that one particular religion out of thousands and thousands of religions around the world, are all damned to hell for eternity, and then I go back to disliking organised religion with a passion. Everyone has the right to practise whatever beliefs they want, but when they start persecuting others for not agreeing with them - seriously that is just f*cked up.

^heheehe

I will teach my kids love and tolerance towards everyone, but I'm not going to indoctrinate them into thinking they have to "save" other people who would otherwise be damned for interpreting the world in a different way. And I sure as hell aren't going to teach them that they should perpetually "repent" for being human, as if by just existing they have been born into sin. This stuff just annoys the crap out of me. So does the maniacal grin of overly-devout christian followers. Sorry but do you really have to smile at me in that crazily terrifying way? Please stop. Just, no. I don't think I can take sitting through any more church services lol, even for the music.

.. . Well I could go on and on about why I dislike organised religion hehe, but I'll end on my originally positive message:

CHOCOLATE IS GOOD. SO ARE DOGS. So in light of this, Happy Easter (atheist or otherwise) from me, hope you get to spend it with your family and friends, as I will be :)

~Tam~

Anxiety or Tummy-Bug? (And Other Dramatic Tales)

I thought I had a stomach bug today - missed band rehearsal but let the conductor know I was sick. Thing is, after I had done that, my tummy starting feeling better. Like it just went away and I was fine again. So now I wonder if I was just super anxious at the thought of going out and facing people again, following the mini-dramas of this morning (my life is full of mini-dramas. Well okay, my life alternates between mini dramas and periods of total boringness where I stay home and do nothing because I'm too exhausted or anxious).

"Boringness" should totally be a real word.

^^refer to story below

So anyways... "back at the ranch"... well, N-dog and I were heading out to a psychiatrist appointment, since my social worker kindly reminded me that it was 10am (thanks social worker because I completely forgot about it as usual).

So of course, on the way there, I forget where the turn-off is and end up completely lost. I eventually found the clinic but I arrived there about 15 minutes late. Well, first I walk in and the girl at the counter says: "you have to leave your dog outside." Me: "uhh, he's a Service Dog, and I called and let the front desk know he was coming with me."
Girl at desk: "oh, sorry, that's cool then."
Yes well that fairly neutral exchange got me ridiculously and rather irrationally anxious, in addition to my being so late.
So the Dr invites me into office, then proceeds to tell me how pissed off she is that I'm so late.
Bitchy Pdoc: "Thanks to you turning up so late, we only have 10 minutes left of the appointment."
Me: "I told you I was sorry, I got lost and panicked."
"Yes well we can't even talk now because there's 10 minutes."
Me: "Look, I'm having a hard time remembering things and organizing myself, and am constantly being berrated for something I can't help" *Bursts into tears*
Bitchy Pdoc: *completely unmoved, throws tissue box at me irritably*
N-dog: *stands up and licks my head* (what an awesome dog)
Bitchy Pdoc: "do you have enough meds"
Me: "No, I lost the last script you gave me"
Bitchy Pdoc: *looking on computer records* "Well, it wasn't me who gave u that script, it was a different Dr in January. You honestly don't remember any of that?" (said in accusitory tone)
Me: "Um, no, I don't.. sorry??"
Bitchy pdoc: *grumpy sigh* *writes out script in silence*
Me: *after an awkward silence, I tentatively try to explain anxiety/panic issues lately, but stop halfway through sentence when realise Dr is completely ignoring me and not listening to a word*
Bitchy pdoc: *shoves script at me*  "see you in two months."

YEH WELL THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH BITCHY PDOC.


So, moving on from the complete failure of the mental health system as far as Drs are concerned.. I had a quick catchup with my support worker afterwords (she was nice and helpful, thank goodness!) I realised I desperately needed to go to the shopping centre as N-dog was really hungry, he hadn't had breaky because we ran out of food (both dog and human food).
I was scared of having panic attack, but I steeled myself and went to shops. Successfully survived shopping trip, and the multitudes of people coming up to me asking me about N-dog...

Typical conversation with random nosy shoppers:

"What kind of dog is that?"
Me: Irish wolfhound cross.
Shopper: "Service Dog Trainee... what does that mean?"
"It means he's training to be an assistance dog." (DUH).
"Service for what?"
"For me."
"Doing what? Are you blind?"
"No I am not blind. (Do I fucking look blind? I'm wearing a pair of vision glasses for one thing) He is a Psychiatric Assistance Dog."
"What does that mean?"
"He helps with depression, anxiety, panic attacks etc"
"Oh. How does he help?"
"He comforts me and helps me cope."

..... multitude of other stupid and boring questions and repeats of the "Oh, so... you're NOT blind?" (NO IM NOT FUCKING BLIND).

Jeesus christ I hate the public. I want to be a hermit in a cottage by the sea with my dog and Ambrose. I also hate people who preach about jesus christ (fyi).






Most things and people scare the crap out of me, apart from Napolean, who is the doggy-luv of my life.

^(N-dog is the big one).

So after all this, my point was..... might have been anxiety that made me sick, rather than tummy bug. 

Either way, it was an afternoon and evening at home of reading books.

Actually, I read a whole book. It was called "Surrender" and it's this gothic story where the main character turns out to be psychotic and... oh, oops shouldn't give it all away, right? I love dark stories, but I find I am not quite dark enough to write them myself. Does that make sense? I don't know. I think you need a kind of cold objectiveness when writing stories like that. If you felt too much while you were writing it, it would totally screw with you/ possibly even destroy you - that's what I reckon anyway!

Final musing: Is "Reckon" an all-Australian word? If I go to America and say: "I reckon that cheeseburger will give you diabetes" will they understand?

~Tam~