Leap Into the Void

"Soon
I'm gonna marry a man like no other
Light the fuse, hallelujah, halleluja
Love, love is the warmest colour
Petrol blues, hallelujah, hallelujah
Come, saut dans le vide, my lover
In my youth, the greatest tide washed up my prize -
You."

~ Lyrics from "Nara", by Alt-J
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtmrYisoxXA

^"Le Saut Dans le Vide" - Photograph by Yves Klein

~Tam~

My Heart Is Back!

Haven't written forever because I was sort of dead inside due (I think) to the high dose of antidepressant I was on. Well, I felt ready to taper-down the dose, and see how I managed having actual emotions again. And oh its so great! I mean, yeh it hurts because if I get anxious or sad its really strong - I forgot how 'physical' those feelings can be. But the great thing is, I think I can actually deal with my own emotional reactions MUCH better now.  So over the last couple of weeks, whenever I'm feeling temporarily overwhelmed by extra-strong emotions, I say to myself: "Yep but this is a feel passing through you, and its a hell of a lot better than that dreadful emptiness you've been walking around with for the past year!"

And boy is it true. I'm at the point where, I'd rather deal with my emotions than feel that god-awful NOTHINGNESS and complete lack of interest or emotional response to anything. It's freaking awful! I've only ever felt like THAT on the meds. I'm one of those people whom "depression" doesn't mean disinterest, it means emtotional PAIIIIIIIIINNN to extreeeme extent. I used to think I'd rather feel nothing than that pain, but I just cant take the empty any more, it's not really living walking around like an empty shell. I said to a friend the other day, that if I was to face a Boggart (the creature in harry potter that turns into your greatest fear), my greatest fear would be the sensation of emptiness, of nothingness, just going on and on endlessly. I don't know what that would look like, maybe a space vacuum or something. At this point in time I'm more scared of that than my own intense emotions.

So here's to FEELING things - even painful things sometimes. To me, emotion is what makes you human, what makes you alive.  So here's to all of us feeling truly alive. <3 <3

^(firey-heart picture stolen off google images)

~Tam~

Absolutely

I think I actually killed myself inside.  Years spent trying to repress emotion, and now lost most geniune feeling altogether. I feel like there's no spark of life left inside me - I don't really feel alive, I don't feel any kind of inspiration about living. I'm tired and restless at the same time. Sometimes I want to cry but can't. I want to write but haven't any words, because there's just nothing left.. nothing left at all. Just this big empty bottomless pit of ... just nothingness.

I don't know how else to say it.

Just

nothing

nothing

nothing

~Tam~

Lonesome

I think it's starting to hit me, that my Fiance (okay yes I love using that term) is not coming home from a conference next week, but that it'll be five long months before we can cuddle and hang out again. I'm sad and I feel really empty - kind of like how I imagine it must be to lose a limb, and keep forgetting and trying to use it, only to find a gaping space where it used to be.

In my case, the space (the lack of significant other) is only temporary, and we can still console each other with skype chats and messages. Still, it feels really bad!!

Sometimes I want to hurt myself (but I don't, because I don't want to go down that path again), sometimes I just want to cry and hug my dog and hide under the covers. I like being asleep because then I'm not awake and sad and tired. I feel overwhelmed and just want the whole world to stop - or, more accurately, I want ME to stop being. But then I remember that I'm catastrophizing, dramatising, everything-ising and that am an emotionally unstable human who is allover the place anyway, and that everything I feel comes in phases. And so I'm trying to hang on to the moment, to only focus on the things I CAN cope with, as in, small things like put the kettle on, make a coffee, feed dog. put clothes on. shower. these things are hard enough, but if I can do them, then the rest of the day usually follows okay.

On another note, Oreo cookies are delicious. :) Also, dog is currently resting his head on my foot. It makes my heart warm :) <3

~Tam~

Bee's and Blogs and Flute and Dog

I said I would try and write a little every day, so...

Single words that summarise day:

Sleep.
More sleep.
Hug Dog.
Feed Dog.
Drink coffee.
Play facebook games.
Hug Dog more.
Read Frankestein.
Play chess online.
Dog.
Dog.
Dog.
Sleep.
Sleeping Dog.

All in all, quite productive, I'd say! :P In other news, university starts again next week. Am looking forward to auditioning for the principal flute parts in the orchestra!! (Gonna out-play them all yeh!)



Me as Queen Bee Flautist:

^^anonymous cartoon found off internet. 

~Tam~

Bad Dreams

I find it really difficult to write anything these days. I spend so much time trying to distract myself from how I really feel.. but writing brings it out, it just really hurts. But maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe if I write just a little, every day, I can slowly sort through it all. I mean, when you have suppressed emotions, you don't have to let it out all at once, right? If I did that, I'd probably kill myself with the pain of it. So, a little at a time it is. I remember my old psychologist saying: "try and allow yourself to feel the pain, really feel it, even if it's only for a couple of seconds. Then, if it's too much to bear, distract yourself from it again. Practise doing this, "letting" yourself feel it, and you will slowly learn that you are able to survive the pain. It will cease controlling you."

So much easier said than done, though, isn't it? It's terrifying, trying to allow yourself to face that dark emptiness, to look straight at it, even for a second. I'm afraid that, if I do, I'll fall into that void and never climb out again.


This song by "Phantogram" reminded me of me own avoidance techniques.


BAD DREAMS (by Phantogram)

Bad dreams never affect me 
I’m not afraid of the concrete 
Bad dreams never affect me 
I’m not afraid of the concrete

I’m not doing this all in fun 
I just gotta go
I’m not doing this all in fun 
Just say goodbye 
Baby you’ve got soul

To changing me
And I believe this happened once before 
To changing me
And I predict the world will be all gone 
To changing me
And I can see the same things that you see 
To changing me
‘Cause I predict the world

Bad things never neglect me 
I’m just a scene in a movie 
Bad thoughts never arrest me 
I’m just a flash in a memory

To changing me
And I believe this happened once before 
To changing me
And I predict the world will be all gone 
It’s a shame you never knew it
And I can see the same things that you see 
It’s a shame you never knew it 
‘Cause I predict the world

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPW2QcJI5yk






~Tam~

Worries, Triumphs and How To Sit On A Chair

Haven't written on here in a while. I'm tired and slow. I think I'm only half alive.

No no, I know what this is really about. A_ is leaving for america soon, to begin his PhD. I'm hoping to join him early next year, but everything depends on me getting a full scholarship to do my Masters in music over there. And THAT depends on getting a letter of recommendation from the flute professor at the university. And said professor has not answered any of my emails for weeks now, or given any feedback on the recordings I sent in. gahhh. I'm just so terrified that none of this is going to work, and I'll be stuck in Australia doing jack-all while A_ does his PhD in america for four years or more. I honestly don't think I could survive without him for years like that. And plus, like what the hell would I do with myself? If I don't get into postgraduate study with music, then where am I going with music at all? What on earth would my next step be, or should I give up music and go back to science?

I did have a small confidence booster however - I got selected as one of the three finalists for a Concerto competition at my current university. This means I get to play in two concerts with a full orchestra to accompany me, yay! Am really excited as have never had an opportunity to play as a soloist with a full orchestra before. Am also a bit nervous as it'll be he first time I've performed from memory in front of a large audience, and I reaallly want to prove myself. I'd love to win, mostly because I want to prove to myself that I can do it, that I can be an outstanding musician and that I have what it takes to make it.

Oh, I also auditioned for ANAM (Australian National Academy of Music), which is in Melbourne. But I have no idea if I even have a chance of getting the scholarship to go there. I was not selected last time I tried.

But all the longing and all the worry about the future - both immediate and long-term - is getting all jumbled up inside me and its messing with my head, and I have bouts of extreme hopelessness and exhaustion and zero motivation. Gahhhh.

But everything usually works out one way or another, doesn't it? Will all find a way to survive eventually... don't we?

I feel like, without A_ and without a  career in music to pursue, I might as well just die. It's sounds melodramatic, but..

I'm telling my dog Napolean that he has to live the same length as me, because I need him lol. You can see why from the pictures below:


"Correct Way to Sit on a Couch" OR "what to do when avoiding bath time" tutorial by Napolean:

 

 *operation complete*

~Tam~