Madrigals and Memories

The light in my room just randomly turned off by itself! Maybe its a sign from a supernatural presence :P I'm not at all afraid of that idea... I mean even if there were supernatural phenomena, it can't be as scary as real life!

I've been in bed all day today.

................................

^^So that was the post that I started a few days ago and ran out of energy to finish. I was really depressed for a few days, I couldn't get up or do anything at all. But I am feeling much better now, though still a bit lacking in energy/enthusiasm/motivation, and sleeping too much, I guess. Yesterday I started composing a madrigal that I've been wanting to write for ages. I set it to an abstract of the text of Alfred Lord Tennyson's "Ode To Memory". Tennyson is one of my favourite poets. These are the stanzas I used:

I.
THOU who stealest fire,
From the fountains of the past,
To glorify the present, oh, haste,
Visit my low desire!
Strengthen me, enlighten me!
I faint in this obscurity,
Thou dewy dawn of memory. 

IV.
Come forth, I charge thee, arise,
Thou of the many tongues, the myriad eyes!
Thou comest not with shows of flaunting vines
Unto mine inner eye,
Divinest Memory!

Strengthen me, enlighten me!
I faint in this obscurity,
Thou dewy dawn of memory. 


You know, I've always wished that I studied music composition as a major at university, along with performance. I've always loved to compose! our university chapel choir is actually performing one of my pieces, a setting of "Ave Maria", this semester. I can't wait to hear it sung aloud for the first time! I don't want to write about anything sad or stressful in this post; I am too tired. I should get to sleep soon though as it's getting late. I have Napolean snuggled at the foot of my bed - I am warming my feet up on him :P It's so COLD at the moment!!

lines hold the memoriesby =agnes-cecile

(taken from deviant art)

~Tam~

Sneakiness

Oh no, my last post was so depressing! I'm feeling a bit better today; still extremely tired (I slept all afternoon!) but not as sad. Another funny, slightly pathetic story for you: my housemate J was out at his girlfriends, and this terrible storm hit. Well I was exhausted and wanted a sleep, but the dogs of course, were going ROWOWOWOWOW in typical fashion. Eventually I got up and let Napolean in (he was like YIPPEEEE JUMP IN THE BED STRAIGHT AWAY YAYAYAY), but then Blair was barking nonstop because I had left her in the outdoor games room by herself. (Remember I mentioned before that J literally forbade me to let Blair in the house, because he doesn't like her and is scared of her.) Anyway, since I figured he was out, I let Blair in too :P so I ended up snuggled to my two spoilt doggies in bed, where I promptly fell asleep. I think all 3 of us did! However, I was woken by the front door opening and J returning!! I was like "oh shit" and froze as the dogs both started making growling noises ("intruder, intruuuuudeeeeerrr!") and was trying frantically to shut them up so J wouldn't hear that there were an "illegal" TWO dogs in  my room.

Well he's out there atm, and I have no idea if he knows the dogs are in here, if so I'm going to cop it!! I've been laying here frozen and terrified of leaving my room lol!! because he will get really angry again! Unfort I'm getting really hungry, and the dogs probably are too. I wonder if I can manage to sneak them outside without him seeing?? LOL!!!

Will update you on how this Mission Impossible goes....

~Tam~

Inadequate

I'm doing nothing but playing chess lately. I don't feel 100% well - quite a bit less, actually. I can't summon enough energy or motivation to leave the house... or my pyjamas! So I've been basically sitting here by myself, playing online chess. I think I'm getting better, slowly! I like it because it takes my attention so that I don't have to think about anything else, and stops me from feeling basically sh*t, at least temporarily. I'm so emotionally and energetically flat!! Mum came round today, because I accidentally missed my niece's tennis thing this morning :( :( I don't have a phone atm, hence no alarm clock, but normally the dogs wake me up really early! Of course today would be the day that they didn't bark, and I slept in. I feel terrible, how awful to disappoint my niece, who was expecting me to come and watch! Of course, Mum made me feel extra guilty in that subtle way, like she does...

Well my head is still all fuzzy, and I have a headache. Maybe I've been playing too much chess. lol. I feel scared of J every since he got mad about Blair inside. I know he said later that he didn't mean to be 'abrasive', but now I feel really nervous around him. He makes me feel like that a lot without meaning it, I think. I read into things too much!! Anyway, I'm avoiding him and basically avoiding human contact.

I'M SUCH A PATHETIC HUMAN BEING. Goddammit, I HATE being me! I'm so inadequate in like every way, I suck! Maybe many of us have these insecurities, I don't know! If I don't even have the energy to move half the time, then I'd rather be dead anyway. God I wish it was just OVER. At least, that's the way I'm feeling right now.

Mum kept saying today: "you are alright though, aren't you? You sound really bright, in your voice."
I was thinking: oh gee, do I?? Because I feel like an absolute piece of worthless sh*t.

Do other people hate themselves as much as I secretly do?

~Tam~

My dog is a Savage Beast who has panic attacks

I don't know what's wrong with me. My mind feels all fuzzy. I can't focus on anything and I'm really tired. It's so much effort to get up in the morning to feed the dogs. Napolean has been sleeping in my room for the past few days, to keep me company, as my SO has gone up north with his family for a holiday, for a week.  Leaving me to deal with our aggressive, fence-jumping dog Blair whom our real-estate agent has demanded we re-home within the next couple of days. Yep, great timing to leave me on my own! Needless to say, I've been spending a lot of time snuggling with the dogs. My housemate got angry at me because I let Blair into my room too because she was barking non-stop and I could not sleep!! Its the only way to shut her up!! But J says he's scared that he'll encounter a panicked, aggro dog in the hallway at night, which is a good point. Who knows how she'd react if she bumped into him at night, probably go into "KILL IT! KILLLL ITTTT!!!!!" mode, which she does when she's petrified.  Which is most of the time. But now I have to listen to ROWROWROWROWROW ALL night long, drives me crazy!!! Maybe thats why I'm feeling so exhausted, I can't get a solid night sleep coz of the dogs.

Haha, Blair just walked up to me and licked my head, as though to say: "See, I'm a nice dog, I wouldn't  maul anyone...."

Yeh, Blair, apart from that friendly little dog you nearly killed last week.

^^ looks so deceptively innocent, doesn't she... who would know from these pictures that she's actually a savage beast lol!

I took her walking with her muzzle on yesterday, and she had a random panic attack near the shops - she completely freaked out because of the traffic and the people around, and she froze and started shaking all over and making this weird breathing noise, and then like threw herself on the ground and wouldn't move. I put my arms around her to calm her down, and I could feel her heart beating like crazy. Poor thing! Then when she eventually stood up she pooed everywhere. Like everywhere. Poor old Blair, I wish I could afford to get her on anxiety meds like she needs.

Oh btw my hair isnt that colour any more, its now a burgundy-brown (yep i got bored and changed it yet again... I like this darker colour better on me though. My skin is really bad at the moment because I have been so anxious and picking at it - I have that dermophilia OCD-type disorder thing. I have wounds and scabs all over me, its gross and weird, I don't know how to stop! It's like I have to do it, or something. :/

I've been a bit sad lately, too. I already mentioned that, didn't I? Well I keep thinking I wish I could just permanently go to sleep. Well, to be more exact, I think: "I want to kill myself", and seriously, a lot of the time I wish I could. But I'm not sick enough to forget what that would do to the people I care about - I just couldn't cause someone that much pain because of something I did. Not while I can think clearly enough to reason that far, that is.

I'm so tired. In monty python style: "MY BRAIN HURTS!!" I feel really bad and exhausted, and I don't like being alive right now. I'm finding myself doing that thing where I'll be using a knife in the kitchen and I just stop and stare at it and imagine myself... well, you get the drift. The weird knife-obsession happens when I'm getting unwell. I'm not self-harming, I don't want to self harm, I just want to not BE.

Oh, it's just started to rain outside... how I love the sound of rain! It's beautiful. I could live if I could just lay there listening to the ocean or the sound of rain hitting the roof and pavements.

rain noises:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qj9rVFIwRk


~Tam~

The Lucky Dead

Things are quiet for me when it's raining

Cat's and dogs, when there are no people about.

I don't mind the cold as much as I might.

He has something to say, but is deigning

To reply; and when the night has won us

Over, a kind of thick and deathly calm

Pervades the senses. I forget I am

Flesh, I forget to breath. I encompass

Every ache your aging bones ever felt

I feel the slow death like a blanket

Over your head, trembling for fear, a banquet

Of stars beckoning you to oblivion.

Sickness is a vacuum above your head;

Beneath, lie all the lucky future dead.


~Tam~

Nice Things

I'm going to write about only nice things today. There has been so much stress and nastiness lately that I really do not want to relive it all just now - rather, I am writing to make myself feel better. I've decided to try a new tactic, that instead of concentrating so much on the negative stuff and trying to work through it, I instead acknowledge stressful and sad events/feelings but bring my focus back to all the positivity in my life. Don't you think we often forget all the wonderful things because we are always focussed on what's going WRONG rather than what's RIGHT? So this evening I'm talking about the stuff that I've been enjoying doing lately. I'll leave my problems for another post.

Well, lately I've been getting into CHESS!! I've been trying to teach myself to get better - I've improved a bit but I'm still pretty bad XD I've been playing with my SO and my housemate J, and I also joined an online chess site where you get to play against people all over the world. I definitely win a lot more now than I used to! I like problem solving games or doing puzzles, which I think is why I am enjoying chess - the latest obsession (It was sodoku for quite a while).

Oh I might have to put this blog post on hold, because my dog wants to go for a walk (he's whining at me pitifully and making me feel guilty). I'll be back in half an hour!

...............

I'm back! I had a really good run with N-dog at the beach. I've discovered that running along the beach at night is really relaxing. I did quite a lot today, actually - weeded the garden, cut the grass, ran with Napolean, played flute, played chess...

................

So I got distracted again and never finished my post! Right now me, my SO, housemate J and me are waiting for the chinese food we ordered... it's taking forever! It's been an hour and a half and we've rang them twice, apparently its finally on its way. SO HUNGRY!! We have a house inspection tomorrow (monday) so we were doing a massive clean-out today, including the front and back yard as well as the house and outdoor room (which was FILTHY because of the dogs). I still have to tidy away some clothes in my room, but then I think that's as good as it's going to get. Hate house inspections! It's so stressful because you have to wait around all day waiting for them to turn up, and like tiptoe-ing around your own house trying to avoid making any mess. Oh well, it'll be over tomorrow, and then freedom to be messy for another 3 months XD

^^ from Hyperbole and a Half - 

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.au/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

~Tam~