Blood and Roses

I had a bad day today. There was absolutely no reason for me to feel so down, I just did! I never get used to how weird it feels to be so consumingly sad without any reason attached to the overwhelming emotion. I was hurting inside my chest the way I do when I am really depressed, and I couldn't shake it no matter how hard I tried - I forced myself to leave the house, go run some errands and took my dog Napolean to the beach for a walk - but nothing worked, I was just sadsadsad and hurting inexplicably.

Unfortunately this evening I gave in to SH thoughts for the first time in months, and cut my arms and legs a bit :/ Not badly or anything, just enough to sting and bleed a bit so I could feel that and not the pain inside me. It actually worked quite well, I felt much better afterwards; strange how it does that, isn't it? I am a hypocrite because when I am mentally well, I tell everyone that SH is not a good coping mechanism to use because it might be psychologically damaging in the long-run. But then when I have a couple of bad days I immediately give in to the urges just to cope. It's quite pathetic, and I must be weak. Well I know I am weak, because I have no resilience at all, the world and people completely terrify me and can destroy me with a glance, a puff of air.

God I am so freaking TIRED, I really long to just sleep and sleep, like maybe hibernate for a few months. Maybe I would feel ALIVE, like truly ALIVE when I woke up?

On a happier note, I tried to cheer myself up today by picking some beautiful flowers from the "climbing rose" plant (its actually the neighbours, but has grown over and down our side of the fence lol so I figure I can clip some flowers if I want :P). I wanted to make a bouquet to put in a vase on the kitchen table. Well I don't have a vase because I'm poor, so I used a giant empty coffee jar that actually had flowers engraved on the glass, which was handy as it made it look more "vase"-like. Then I figured I needed some different flowers, but as I don't have any I decided to nick some from the neighbours front yard hahaha!! So I was like casually walking back and forth past their driveway with my clippers in my hand, every now and then bending to steal a lavender flower or one of their numerous daises! My housemate J. thought it was hilarious, and says I have turned into a criminal, a flower-thief! Well if the neighbours had caught me I would have said that I felt sad and needed to borrow some daisies, surely they couldn't have minded? :) Anyway, here is a picture of "climbing roses" I found online, looks very much like the ones growing over our fence, so pretty!

So hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Perhaps I will do some gardening. xx
~Tam~