The Day I Desired

I had this god-awfull dream last night that an alien that looked like a human was trying to seduce me so that it could put its alien baby inside of me... except I knew that it was really an alien, so I wasn't falling for that shit! Anyway it was pretty creepy, and I awoke feeling rather odd. More odd than usual, I mean.
So anyway, moving on....

FINALLY, today I got a day to do what I wanted. The university semester has finished for me - only exams to go now! - but I decided to take the day off study. This is what I did:

1) Did lots of gardening - planting and weeding, and going nuts with the whipper-snipper in the long grass
2) Watched the movie "Rosemary's Baby", which I'd been meaning to watch for ages.... It was a huge let-down!! Omg that movie sucks, it's like terrible!! Is it actually meant to be scary?? It was the most stupid, lame thing I've ever seen! "Hail Satan!" LOL. It would have been more interesting if she had an alien baby (like in my dream) than Satan's child. Maybe. Actually I'm not sure anything could have salvaged that movie. I liked Rosemary's hairdo though - it actually looks almost exactly like my new pixie-haircut and strawberry-blond colour. She looked way hotter than I ever could though. I'm so jealous of people with that flawless, porcelain skin. Her acting sucked though.
3) Took Napolean for a run, then Blair for a walk afterwards. It was dark by this time and sooooo cold!!! My fingers are still defrosting!
4) Made popcorn with the popcorn-maker machine that J. (my housemate) bought for me and A. I put LOTS OF BUTTER AND SALT YUM!

And now I'm snuggling up on the couch with my doggies (shhh don't tell J. that they are inside, he wont normally let them in but he's away for a week - what, its cold!! they need snuggles!!) and they are both curled up and fast asleep naww. Luv my dogs so much. I often wish I was a dog and not a human, I think it would be so much easier, and belly-rubs look really good, judging by the way Napolean reclines in ecstasy when he gets one. I don't think belly-rubs are as good for humans, although I've never actually received a belly-rub so I'm not entirely sure on this point.

*Rubs own belly* Nope, not really feelin' it.


~Tam~

PS. Here is a picture of my awesome witch hanging in my study room, "hail satan!"

Its eyes flash - how cool is that!!

"Staggering-along-for-a-reason"...

This morning I did the 12km HBF Run-For-A-Reason!!

I ran.... MOST of the way.... I admit I walked a couple of times :P But I ran nonstop for the first 6km, then alternated between running and walking. Bit annoyed I was not fit enough to run the whole way, but at least I gave it a go! and raised a little bit of money toward Lifeline Australia :) I think I saw this lady I knew, who was in my psychiatric ward (LOL). At the time she was soooo manic, at one point she had to be held down and injected. Anyhoo, I thought she prob would not want me to go say hello.. She looked manic today actually, like dancing around theatrically at the starting line hehe... I could have used some manic energy, maybe I could have run further! XD

 

My friend (whom I ran with) did so well, he had so much damn energy! This is what we looked like
<--

(I'm the one behind)

We  are going to do the 12km City-to-Surf Run in a couple of months too. Hopefully I will have had more time to train by then, so will have my fitness up. I know I can run 6km fine, so if I start there and build up 1km at a time... My dogs are going to get very fit too! :P Napolean is so lazy when I jog with him; he gets slower and slower as I go along and ends up dragging behind, panting. Lazy beast. XD Blair has way more energy but she's really anxious and kind of psycho, so she's constantly freaking out at everything and everyone we pass, and either lies down in response, or jumps up to either headbut me or lick my face (or both) for reassureance. She also likes to zigzag everywhere all over the pavement in front of me, constantly tripping me up!

Am so exhausted now, omg... Just chilling for a bit before heading off to my nephew's 3rd birthday party, then my SO and I have our joint bday party tonight. We are having a bonfire, and are going to toast marshmallowws (yum)!

Anyways, I got to go because I am soooo tired, I need a shower and a nap before going to J's party....



~Tam~

Adventures With Blair

I'm sitting in the back room with my two big doggies, although they are play-fighting madly which is no good, because Blair currently has staple-stitches in which need to heal! But I need to start at the beginning before I get to today's Adventures With Blair....

Well, yesterday early morning I had to take A. to the airport, as he was leaving for Brisbane, Queensland, to do a computer science presentation at a conference. I was feeling a bit down so I didn't do much for the rest of the morning, but it was interfaculty netball day at uni, and so I went to play with the music team. We named ourselves: "The Sub-dominants"..... LOL (if you didn't know, the subdominant chord in a particular key is chord IV). Well our team totally sucked, since only a couple of us actually knew how to play netball or had ever played before, and no-one could shoot goals :P So we lost every game, dismally. But it was still fun, and helped pick my mood up for a bit. And it was exercise, so you know. :) (I am supposed to be doing a 12km fun-run in two weeks, so god knows how I'm going to manage THAT!)
I was so exhausted when I got home, because I had got up so early for A., and because I was feeling a bit crappy depressed again. I fell straight asleep and didn't wake up until morning!



Upon rising, I discovered that my great dane x, Blair, had a deep wound in her side. It wasn't very big, but was deep, like a real gouge had been taken out of her. I could see the fat and muscle and stuff, so I knew it needed stitches! I don't know if Napolean (my wolfhound x) bit her, or if she did it jumping over the fence or what. But I took her into the vet, who said that ideally she should have full stitches, but because she does not respond well to anaesthetic (last time there were problems with her heart rate and stuff apparently), they were reluctant to put her under general, and instead just put some staples in to hold the wound together. Guess how much that cost me? $320!!!!! that was after I asked for a discount (on pleading poverty), and after my pensioner card discount. that's insane!!! So that plus the rent completely wiped out my bank account, and I had to ring A. to ask him to transfer a bit of money into my account so I could survive for the next couple of days without him. Sigh. Bloody dogs are so expensive!!

But that wasn't the end of Blair's adventures. She was very sleepy in the afternoon because the vet had given her a sedative shot, so I figured I'd just tie her to her kennel while I took Napolean for a walk. Well, we were half the way around the local lake when in the distance I see this huge beast bolting towards us at break-neck speed, looming bigger and bigger as it approached, long rope trailing after it..... and then, I recognised.... BLAIR!!! I quickly realised she must have broke the kennel leg I stupidly tied her to, thinking she was too sedated for it to be a problem, and also jumped the 2metre fence again! I grabbed her lead, figuring I might as well just walk the two of them together now. But another dog came around the corner, and their owner did not have them on the lead (despite the numerous signs around the park saying you must keep them on lead at all times) and it ran up to Blair, and Blair promptly attacked the poor thing, as she is want to do. So they went into a full on fight, until the owner managed to call her dog away (mine were too strong, considering there were two of them!!). omg what a nightmare. By the time I got them home I was knackered! I looked at Blair's wound and the staples didn't look that great, they have come apart a little bit and it had bled a bit too :S silly dog!!!

^^Blair getting tied to kennel - not for long!!

Tonight I went to choir (we sing at evensong services on thursday - yeh I know I know, despite my atheism I sing in a church). On the way home it began to sprinkle with rain, and I remembered that I'd left Blair tied up to the washing-line and she would be getting wet! As soon as I got home I ran outside and untied her, when thunder crashed and a bolt of lightning shot accross the sky! Me and the two dogs ran into the games room (separate from the house) when rain PLUMMETED down from the sky. We were so lucky to have missed it!

Blair was utterly terrified of the thunder and lightening, and bolted to hide under my chair, whining and wimpering, which is where she is right now! naww.

Well, at least my dogs certainly have character!

~Tam~

Blood and Roses

I had a bad day today. There was absolutely no reason for me to feel so down, I just did! I never get used to how weird it feels to be so consumingly sad without any reason attached to the overwhelming emotion. I was hurting inside my chest the way I do when I am really depressed, and I couldn't shake it no matter how hard I tried - I forced myself to leave the house, go run some errands and took my dog Napolean to the beach for a walk - but nothing worked, I was just sadsadsad and hurting inexplicably.

Unfortunately this evening I gave in to SH thoughts for the first time in months, and cut my arms and legs a bit :/ Not badly or anything, just enough to sting and bleed a bit so I could feel that and not the pain inside me. It actually worked quite well, I felt much better afterwards; strange how it does that, isn't it? I am a hypocrite because when I am mentally well, I tell everyone that SH is not a good coping mechanism to use because it might be psychologically damaging in the long-run. But then when I have a couple of bad days I immediately give in to the urges just to cope. It's quite pathetic, and I must be weak. Well I know I am weak, because I have no resilience at all, the world and people completely terrify me and can destroy me with a glance, a puff of air.

God I am so freaking TIRED, I really long to just sleep and sleep, like maybe hibernate for a few months. Maybe I would feel ALIVE, like truly ALIVE when I woke up?

On a happier note, I tried to cheer myself up today by picking some beautiful flowers from the "climbing rose" plant (its actually the neighbours, but has grown over and down our side of the fence lol so I figure I can clip some flowers if I want :P). I wanted to make a bouquet to put in a vase on the kitchen table. Well I don't have a vase because I'm poor, so I used a giant empty coffee jar that actually had flowers engraved on the glass, which was handy as it made it look more "vase"-like. Then I figured I needed some different flowers, but as I don't have any I decided to nick some from the neighbours front yard hahaha!! So I was like casually walking back and forth past their driveway with my clippers in my hand, every now and then bending to steal a lavender flower or one of their numerous daises! My housemate J. thought it was hilarious, and says I have turned into a criminal, a flower-thief! Well if the neighbours had caught me I would have said that I felt sad and needed to borrow some daisies, surely they couldn't have minded? :) Anyway, here is a picture of "climbing roses" I found online, looks very much like the ones growing over our fence, so pretty!

So hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Perhaps I will do some gardening. xx
~Tam~

Books, Visitors, Blogs and Dogs!!

I bought a few (fiction) books recently - ordered online from overseas, because who on earth can afford Australian book prices anymore?? I have some great new additions to my library now, including

- Daphne du Maurier's "The House on the Strand"
- Sheridan le Fanu's "In a Glass Darkly"
- Anne Bronte's "The Tenant of Wildfell Hall"
- Matthew Gregory Lewis's "The Monk"

I also read Anne Bronte's "Agnes Grey" recently, but I thought it was boring and painstakingly MORAL, I mean, what happened to classic gothic romance? "Wuthering Heights"a will always remain the best of any of the Bronte sisters novels!

So at the moment I'm reading The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, and so far I like it a lot better than Agnes Grey, at least the characters are more interesting!
I also read Orwell's "Keep the Apidistras Flying," and I honestly have no idea what to make of it, it was a pretty weird book. I have no idea what the protagonist even wanted out of life??
Anyways, so I suppose I am a regular bookworm at the moment. I've also been playing chess with my computer while procrastinating extensively from the uni work which is piling up :/ But I'm not getting any better at chess (I lose every time to the damn computer) although I'm making myself considerably stressed with not getting my work done. It's so hard to get the motivation to study!!


My friend J. and her two kids came up yesterday for lunch, and my Mum also brought along my nephew. It was the best arvo - we had an outdoor lunch, then walked down to the park with the dog and the kids had a play. I also got to give Mum her mother's day present: Two paintings (prints) that went together, for which I'd bought this pretty white frames. The paintings were of a beautiful big steam engine passing through a town while kids played and watched: one painting at the town station and one through the countryside with the kids fishing in the stream. They reminded me a lot of the story "The railway children", which is an absolute favourite of mums! She really loved the pictures, which was great!


Today has been very unproductive because I've been hit with the most excruciating PMS cramps, feel like shit lol! haven't even walked the dogs, just been lying here moaning all day :P hopefully tomorrow is not so bad because I desperately need to get some work done!

~Tam~

PS. Some dog photos for you:

Blair, my brindle Great Dane x, claiming my couch

 Napolean, my Wolfhound x, being the handsome devil that he is!!

Doggy Dilemmas!!

Well my blogging idea really has gone dead, hasn't it! I don't know why I never write anymore - I think about doing it and then I'm like: "but what would I have to say?" Mostly that's a good sign because I've been basically well, no major mood swings for months now!! Which is really fantastic. I do have a lot of problems with anxiety though, something I really need to work on, as it can be quite debilitating.

Well I don't think I've written on here that our last foster dog, Dena had to be rehomed as she destroyed everything and fought with napoleon....
Well we ended up adopting another dog, a great dane x called Blair. well she was free, from some young people who were moving house/having babies. So we had to get her desexed, microchipped, vaccinated, dewormed, deflead and everything. Her stitches from the desex op. are due out tomorrow morning.

But anyway, it turns out she's getting hell aggro and keeps attacking Napolean, she's caused some pretty bad wounds his ear is ripped and infected now, so he'll have to go to the vet soon too. So I'm beginning to think that its not going to work out, they really frighten me when they fight and its really scary if they're fighting right on top of you, I'm terrified of getting bitten. I got a big scratch on my leg today from it! So I'm really sad about it but I think I am going to have to try and find her another home, it has to be a REALLY good home though, because she has had a bad past but is so sweet and loving to people. Just needs to be an only dog!! Oh and also she is unbelievably agile, she keeps jumping our fence into the neighbours yard - the fence is wayyy taller than me, its over 2m high!!

Oh you know what, I'm too tired to write... isn't that always the way!! I'll try and check back in tomorrow and talk about additional things other than dogs hehe.

PS I love dogs
~Tam~

PSS. This is what my couch looks like: