Hope there is always

I'm a little bit mad, again. Just a touch of it, I don't know if it's visible from the outside, but I get the sensation that my mind is not really my own. Nothing definitive; I'm sleeping, not manic, I'm sort of sad but not "depressed," I found a new way to deal with the hurt and the fear (although its not considered a "healthy" dealing mechanism.) But you know what, it works, and if it stops that bottomless pit eating at my soul, even for a while, then so be it. It makes me feel "real." It makes me feel like I have some kind of control over myself, and subsequently that I can handle situations and my own emotions. I deserve a break from the chaos in my head, I think. I signed an "I will not SH" contract my therapist gave me, without any intention of sticking to it... Does that make me a bad person? I think a contract like that just makes the guilt worse. I suppose if I could cope okay without SH that would be good, will try to work on that.
      I just wish I wasn't so god damn tired all the time so I could gather some motivation to do the things I want to! So many things with music and writing I want to do, and I just haven't because I can never seem to muster the energy. I am very tired tonight; I know I have been staying up too late. Must get a good sleep tonight! 
Light always at the end of the tunnel, yes? And we must take our accomplishments alongside our struggles... (boy I sound so wise .. hehe)