The Bipolar Owner of a Polar Bear Dog!!

Wow I have not written on here in almost 2 months...

I guess on a quick update, I went through this dramatic period of moving house, getting extreme anxiety and panic attacks, and eventually overdosing on oxazepam in a suicide attempt :/ Can't believe I  did that, how entirely stupid!! But I am completely fine, and am doing really good now. All it bought me was a couple of days unconscious in freo emergency department, and a trip to Bunbury psychiatric hospital - the only place that a bed was available!

So the Dr there (who was a real assho* by the way) said I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and basically berated me for "doing this to my family and friends." Um, I didn't do it to anyone. I didn't even really do it to myself - I was sick, I had no idea what I was doing!! Omg I can't stand people like that :/ It was awful.

But anyway, now I'm seeing this psychiatrist in Fremantle out-patients, and after talking with me for an hour he basically went: "I completely disagree with the borderline diagnosis, you do not fit the DSM criteria nor do you present with the personality type of a borderline. You are bipolar." I said "THANKYOU, because my long-term psychiatrist says the exact same thing that you've just told me, and has written to freo to complain and say that she's adamant I have bipolar disorder.

I tend to agree with them because

1. I am definitely not promiscuous, and have only ever had sex with one person in my entire life (my partner of 5 years whom I am still curently with)

2. I do not have unstable relationships with others, nor do I get explosive and angry

3. I was absolutely NOT abused as a child, which is common in borderlines

So basically the only traits of borderline I have are unstable mood and self-harm, which are part of bipolar anyway. So I think they just saw a young girl with scars on her arms who overdosed  and ASSUMED I therefor MUST be Borderline.

You know one thing that really pissed me off? The Dr at Bunbury said to me: "You're obviously a very intelligent young girl, a musician and a university student. So what are you doing here?"
I was like ummmm... how am I meant to answer that?
What are you doing here? How the f*ck should I know? I guess I have a f*cking disorder - you thing I want to be fucking manic then depressed and suicidal most of the time???


Oh yeh but anyway, look at my new dog, I got him from a rescue shelter. He is a BIG white Wolfhound cross, 18mths old. His name is Napolean. He was so scared and anxious when we first got him but now he luuuuuvvvvs us :D and we luv him nawww xoxoxoxo

PS My aim in life is now to become a crazy dog lady with like 5 huge dogs destroying my home and trying to stand on my head like Napolean does.

~Tam~

Got a tattoo!!

Got this done today, here is how it is looking tonight!! Great job done by Ree from Primitive Tattoo Studio in Perth (WA). yayy!

It's the face of a dryad/wood nymph. When I was a kid I was obsessed with fairies and nymphs, and I still have the complete Narnia series on my bookshelf X) Yay for childhood and magic that lasts forever!!

Also, we are moving into our new rental this weekend, exciting but hard work! AND, we are going to see this giant white wolfhound at a petrescue center which we are hoping to adopt! So much happening... Need to gather energy for the rest of the weekend...

~Tam~

House Hunting Nightmares

Well, my blogging thing has totally fallen flat over the past few months, so here I am attempting to pick things back up again. The new year has been really stressful as my house-lease ends on the 15thJan (my sister's family is returning from travel  and they will want their home back)....
so I've been searching frantically for another place to rent.
My housemate J_ is away on holiday, and A_ is one of the most laziest and generally disinterested people I've ever known. Yet I still love him for some reason *sigh. So this means that I've had to organize the house-search alone, although I did manage to get A_ to come to most of the viewings. Problem is, around the area we need to be in, the competition is EXTREME. Every place we looked at had at least 30 couples applying... I felt like crying every time we turned up and the entire block was packed with cars of the people who'd come to apply. I mean there's really no point applying, they are not going to choose young students over a family or full-time workers. gahhhhh

Well we did apply for this place in Hamilton Hill - it's not ideal location wise, bit far from uni. But its still close to Fremantle so we'd be nearby my sister and the kids, which would be great. Also the house is near a lake reserve and also the beach, and the property had a good-size enclosed yard and allowed pets (I'm thinking of adopting a companion dog soon). I think we might actually have been the only current applicants, so I'm PRAYING that we might have a chance for that one - we are supposed to be hearing back from them today.
The other house we applied for is in Como, which is a really great location, but there were soooo many applicants so I really don't think we have much of a chance.

Omg its all so stressful, the house is an absolute mess too, but it feels weird to be packing without an actual place to move too!! I think some divine intervention is required right now.... :P





~Tam~

Xmas = FAIL!!

Omg I totally fail at Xmas!! The week leading up to the 25th I started to feel all depressed again, kept crying randomly etc, was not sleeping properly.. And I have been obsessing, and I mean OBSESSING about wanting to get engaged to A_, and also being totally devastated that he still doesn't want to after 5 years of being together. Well it got to the point where I was crying about it all the time... I began to realize that it was getting ridiculous, me feeling like this, so I decided to write everything down in a letter to A., trying to explain how I felt and why getting engaged was so important to me. Well obviously I hadn't planned to bring up the topic on xmas eve, for "Christ's sake" (haha little pun there). But when we were sitting together on the couch I said playfully "so what did u get me for xmas?" and he answered jokingly "a ring" because he knows that's really what I wanted lol. Well this really upset me, so this started me off on a big argument that really got us no-where. He doesn't want to get engaged/married, I do, there's nothing more to it really.

Well anyway I felt terrible next day (xmas day) so I just let myself sleep and sleep. I was supposed to be at family get togethers and stuff, and apparently Mum and A_ were ringing me and I didn't hear the phone or the alarms I'd set for the morning. Eventually my neighbour came knocking on the door waking me up, saying Mum had rang him asking him to check I was alright... omg I felt so bad for that!!
I rang Mum back right away then, and she ended up driving up to my place to see me. In the end we had quite a nice evening, went down for a walk at the river... But I felt very bad for sort of ruining xmas, I hadn't meant to!
On boxing day A_'s mum was holding a big lunch thing, and though I felt depressed and didn't want to go, A_ convinced me to come. That night we had another talk about the marriage thing, and still didn't really get anywhere. Am not really sure what to think about it now. I never thought I would have to try and convince the person I love to propose to me, it's kind of awful.

On top of this, one of my  good friends just got engaged over Xmas. She and her partner were only together for a few months but he knows he loves her and proposed, and she is thrilled! So what's wrong with ME I wonder? :(





~Tam~

I don't feel very good. It's strange when you're not quite sure how to describe the way you feel, isn't it? It's very difficult for me to get to the root of my problems, sometimes. Like why is xmas time and new years such a difficult time? I think perhaps its a time when you really wonder who the hell you are and where you're going. Lame, and I'm bored with myself already.
I'll just shut the hell up and go sort out my own problems.






~Tam~

imaginaryness

Help me help me help me I am getting sad again, how do I make it stop?? Damn this.

I was doing so well! And now that all the stressors are over and I can "relax", I start to hurt inside my chest again for no reason that I can tell.

Or maybe I can tell. I keep feeling like my relationship with my SO is sort of lacking in a way that can't be fixed. It's the freaking APATHY to everything and everyone, its driving me insane, not having a proper emotional connection.

I know I feel this emptiness wayyy more when I'm not well, and these thoughts usually go away when I'm happy. I suppose I am the one with the problem? And  am a shitty judge, because the other person I "fell in love with" due to a "deep emotional connection" up and ditched me as soon as I became a real person with complications, and not just a fantasy.

I don't know why everything has to be imaginary. I just want to be happy, why do I feel so empty, so desperate??

~Tam~

Sunny Weather :)

Haven't blogged in AGES...

I kept thinking about it, but I was always either too lazy or too busy, it varied :P But tonight is a sleepless night (yet again), and since both me and my SO have insomnia atm, we've decided to get up and chill here in the kitchen with our laptops, drinking hot chocolate. Early morning is the perfect time for blog writing anyway :)

I normally post all my woes about my health or violent emotional turbulence lol, but I actually have nothing to bitch about, I'm happy and I feel emotionally good! :) Exams have finished, yay! Well okay, technically I only had one exam, but it involved a lot of stressful last-minute study-cramming - especially since my epically built-up emotional crisis, break-down and hospitalisation *rolls eyes* omg I'm so bored of myself, seriously. But I think I passed the exam at least, and I was proud to get back a good mark for a previous lab report for pharmacology (85%), although I was skeptical as to whether the lecturer was just being nice by giving me a good mark considering that I was mad, etc.

BUT anyway, I've finished pharmacology!! Just two units to go until my degree is done: a physiology unit and an advanced neuroscience unit. The neuro one sounds a bit scary, but watching brains float around in liquid has a strange allure to it. Just kidding, but I really am interested in neuroscience, I enjoyed the introductory unit I did.

I just looked at my fingers tapping on the computer keyboard, and I just thought how weird fingers are. Especially mine, like mine are kind of manly :/ Bony knuckles and wide fingernails bitten to the quick. That reminds me, my SO and I are going to our University's Music Students ball tomorrow night yippee!! But I don't have any elbow length gloves - sort of wanted to cover the SH scars on my arms. Although actually they've healed really good considering. I always heal fast, pretty awesomely fast actually. I mean sure there are heaaaps of horizontal lines all over the underside of my forearms, but they don't stand out majorly unless I exposed my arm clearly and someone was looking straight at it, kind of thing. I don't know where to get gloves from, maybe I can find somewhere open this morning? Otherwise, its not that big a deal, I don't think anyone really gives a sh*t :D

I do need to get some of those chicken-fillet sticky bras :P because my dress is quite low-cut at the back. Though I'm well-covered at the front, the dress is quite tight-fitting so I hope I don't look too flat-chested LOL! I've got my hair an ash-blond colour atm which I quite like too, although I wish I could get it more SILVER :P It's nice having my ball outfit as my main problem right now! :D

(my hair)

Next week my SO and I are also going on tour (to a country town lol) with our uni chapel choir, which should be fun! One night is a "light-music" night, and I opted to sing "Stormy Weather" while A. accompanies my on guitar XD Should be fun !! I can totally get my Ella Fitzgerald onnnn!!

Well I've promised myself to keep up a more regular blog, writing is good!! So, until next time, which shall be soon!

~Tam~