Old Dreams, New Paths, Same Dog :D

Stopped blogging a long time ago... and now decided to start back up as way to start writing again and get all of the 'noise' out of my head.

So tonight is just a simple recap....

I'm past 2 years on testosterone now, and I've switched to Reandron, which is a 3-monthly shot in the butt-cheek . It's fucking painful though 😂I've finally booked a top-surgery consultation with a surgeon, but still saving up for the actual surgery (isn't cheap!) I work full-time at the moment as a Sleep Scientist in a hospital which mostly involves wiring people up, analysing their sleep, and also treating people with sleep apnoea (which mostly means trying to convince them they need to wear a mask on their face when they sleep for the rest of their life).

I really miss music, although I do still play in the WA Charity Orchestra. Sadly I never achieved the dream of getting a professional orchestral position, although I'm technically still on WA Symphony Orchestra's casual list. If 20+people die all at once I might have a shot at getting a gig 😂😢😢Yeh, my heart hurts and I'll forever have many regrets about not taking the right path or putting in the amount of effort required at the right time. But you know, that's life., shit happens along the way and we do the best we can.

I'm renting alone at the moment because I was done with the steady stream of insane housemates. It's just me and the best dog in the world, Napolean. I tried twice to adopt a second dog; the first one was really aggressive toward poor Napolean, the second one completely trashed and destroyed the house and garden to an unbelievable level on a daily basis. Seriously that dog cost me 1000's until I eventually couldn't take it any more and re-homed him. So now its just us two.

This has all meant that I've really struggled to save any money despite working fulltime. Not to mention I lose about a third of each pay in Australian Tax and uni hecs fee repayment. Considering attempting another housemate, so if you know anyone relatively normal and drama-free, hmu.

I'm also completely psychiatric-medicine-free. I eventually came off the antidepressants too, which means I no longer feel emotionless and phased-out all the time, thank dog, and I'm coping fine without any pharmacalogical help. never thought i'd be in a position to say that, but it's true!

Transitioning has been the best thing that's ever happened to me (apart from adopting Napolean, obviously). I'm a little lonely, and still can't help sometimes thinking about the shit-storm that was my breakup with ex-fiance a couple of years ago, and I'm not sure I'll ever properly get my head around the fact that he quickly married someone else.  It's not like I'd every want to re-enter a relationship with him or anything, it's just a weird upheavel of what I thought my future would be like, which turned out to be completely stomped on and flipped, you know?  I've dated a little bit since then but nothing stuck. Got an excellent bunch of friends though, so I'm all good for now really.

I kind of believe that saying that 'we choose our own happiness', but it's not always easy to convince yourself you are completely content when the dreams in your head just didn't pan out. I suppose theres always room for new dreams, new pathways to take.

~Tam~

Poetry is Wilde

I'm going to start choosing poetry excerpts to discuss briefly on here.. it'll be a good way to get me reading more again and share some of those amazing 'moments' that happen in poetry and what they mean. To me at least. So without further ado, today's selection:


"Spirit of beauty! tarry with us still,
It is not quenched the torch of poesy,
The star that shook above the Eastern hill
Holds unassailed its argent armoury
From all the gathering gloom and fretful fight -
O tarry with us still! for through the long and
common night,

Morris, our sweet and simple Chaucer's child,
Dear heritor of Spenser's tuneful reed,
With soft and sylvan pipe has oft beguiled
The weary soul of man in troublous need,
And from the far and flowerless fields of ice
Has brought fair flowers meet to make an earthly paradise"

~ from Oscar Wilde's "The Garden of Eros" 


I love this poem because it definitely still applies to this day: an increasing need to fight for the preservation of poetry and beauty in a world of financial focus and mass production.  If you didn't know, Morris opened a firm "The Kelmscott Press" to try and revive the art of hand-printing rather than machine printing, which he did for all of Chaucer's works, with wood carved illustrations, it was beautiful.

Love you Oscar, Poetry is not dead.



~Tam~

2016, Why Am I Such a Strange and Dramatic Human, and Cute Pictures

It's 1.00am and I've literally been sitting here listening to music on youtube for the past 3 hours. In public service I link you to this amazing Australian artist going by the name Vera Blue https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHgr1nCpt1A&index=13&list=PLVekT34bR3ZNdtI_o3dtRB7R58H33qmC5

Seriously, check it out, her work is so beautiful.

Anyway, apparently my body/mind has forgotten how to go to sleep during normal sleeping hours :(
Wholly shit, just as I wrote that, there was an audio malfunction on my computer and a really creepy sound screeched out the laptop speakers :o Maybe I'm being haunted, and this is the real reason why I can't sleep :P

So I changed the subtitle of this blog again to match my ever-evolving identity (really it's just been an unravelling of self-awareness).

I've had another pretty insane year - haven't written on here since early in the year. I was pretty much just so overwhelmed with everything I couldn't gather my thoughts together to write a coherent post.
I was heartbroken after the breakup with my ex-fiance of 8 years. Didn't seem to bother him much because he was in a new relationship with his "she's only a friend how dare you suggest otherwise" like 2 weeks later which he plastered happily all over social media. Thanks man, I'm feeling how much you loved, appreciated and respected me for 8 years. He cut me off completely all year... recently had some short interactions about some issues like old bills in his name, our joint dropbox account, and he was basically stone cold and treated me like a total stranger. Ouch. This was the person who was my best friend, whom I thought had my back no matter what, who I was completely prepared to spend the rest of my life with. People really really suck, don't they? :(  My poor heart is still healing over that one.


So after that I moved into a new share house which has been pretty good so far, although the moving itself is always stressful.
Since then I've been dealing with gender transition, which I don't regret for a second, yet has been pretty tough emotionally to deal with. On one hand, I finally feel like a real person, the real me, and on the other hand I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole of second-guessing every social interaction, worrying about passing etc etc which is draining in it's own right. I often feel like I haven't changed at all but then I hear an old voice-recording or see an old pic and realise I've come quite a way already. I most often get gendered correctly in public now, but sometimes old habits/feminine mannerisms creep in which confuse people again. Yes I am an enigma people, deal with it :P

Also my breasts are driving me crazy, can't stand binding, it's way too hot and uncomfortable in Australian summer. Ideally I'd like to get top surgery ASAP, but it's not going to happen because I don't have any money, nor do I have family willing to take care of me during the couple of months recovery to follow, and I don't think I can do it all alone at the moment. I mean sure I have mates who would always help, but  I think generally care is needed after the surgery. My Mum went ballistic the one time I even mentioned the idea of top surgery, so needless to say she's not going to be my support person there.

Mum still calls me by my old name, she/her, daughter and everything in public, it's embarrassing and really awkward, and she won't stop. I try quietly correcting to 'he' but she just completely ignores it. Likewise my Aunt and sister are utterly ignoring my transition, even though now I actually look like and sound like a dude so it's getting weird. I wonder if they'll still be in denial if I eventually get facial hair or whatever?

<---- (Btw, the original Dumbledore in the first movie was so much better than the later one, just throwing that out there :P )

Also, although life gets all weird and crazy and tough, Harry Potter remains the best childrens (and adult lets face it) series ever. HP forever. I'm a Hufflepuff according to Pottermore and I have an Aardvark patronus? I had to look up what an Aardvark was, it's this cute lil termite-eating creature: 

So I got totally side-tracked there (see, still as crazy as ever). So back to my personal events of 2016 (let's not even mention Trump okay, I can't even go there America is nuts). So.. despite my fiance  and best friend throwing 8 years back in my face, I have been trying to move on and have dated a few people (both guys n gals) casually since then. Strangely I never really 'dated' in my past since I met my ex-fiance right after highschool and that was that. So I guess now's my chance, or whatever. Nothing really stuck or worked out though so far. 

Recently I've also come to terms with the fact that my sexuality has changed a bit.. whereas I used feel completely asexual and had zero interest in sex, I've now noticed that, rarely, and in specific circumstances/specific people, I can sometimes feel attraction. This is pretty different for me, and I think that hormones boosting my libido etc prob has something to do with it. I've only really acted on this twice but I think in general/in future I should be really careful before getting 'physical' with anyone.  I still have those borderline personality traits there where I tend to feel desperate to be loved and validated and terrified of rejection (I know they sound like things everyone feels, but trust me, mine is to the extent that it completely f*cks me up emotionally on a regular basis).  And if I add sex into that it just complicates those emotions even more and make them even more difficult to manage. I think I need to not be impulsive and make sure I can really trust the person before going into the um, 'physical' realm, for the sake of my own sanity, and probably theirs too tbh :S I wish I didn't have those issues and could just do whatever I want, and explore this new side of me (safely obviously) but the fact is there are emotional repercussions for pretty much anything I do, and it's just not worth it. 

Arrgh all I ever wanted was to spend a happy life in partnership with one person, but that did not work out so well. :( It sucks, why do humans feel lonely and feel driven to find connection and therefor subject yourself to so much hurt?? (the age-old question)

Aaaand, it's almost xmas, and I've finished my Music Masters and enrolled in the sleep science grad course for next year so that I can actually get a real job at the end of that. I'll continue teaching flute next year and playing in the charity orchestras and stuff, it just sucks that the permanent professional orchestral position fantasy in my head isn't going to happen realistically. Ah well, we can dream, hey? Well, we can if we can ever get to sleep...

I put up white/blue fairy lights around my room (so gay I know) but they look epic :D

Also, I found this cow sculpture at the river near the university, cool hey? :)

And finally.... MERRY XMAS FROM NAPOLEAN THE REINDEER-DOG!! :D

SHOTS

SHOTS

I've all sorts of strange
aches and pains I've never felt before
(though I like to pretend
I've forgotten old wounds -
those blades have long rusted-over.)

Today's stabs are fresh
but a lot more tired,
originating somewhere in the spine,
causing nervous disconnect.

My book lays untouched on the table.
I speak to it, say: "I'd read you if I
were able." But can words really wait?
And the voice in my head: You are
already too late.

Age is a factor in my mind
dividing me from the moment.
Twenty-six and nothing really to show for it;
all those years of study and only just
beginning to know.

But who gets a paid career in self-diagnosis?
The successful artist, I suppose,
which I will never be with this sort of prose.
So what's my story?

That I once danced with Death?
That I ripped off the face of a woman
to reveal a gentle boy?
That I loved and lost... and yes, I did regret it?

The truth is, I do not get to call all the shots.
I do not often win; I am not
 always in control. But my God
do I have soul

inside every cell. Each sentence,
every pointed finger:
I transform
even as you pull the trigger.



~Tarmon~

Email to my Mother

So this is quite personal I guess... but why not post personal stuff on the internet? :P This is an exact copy of the email I sent my Mum the other day. I'm going to paste it here, and then in my next blog post I will backtrack and explain what's been happening since my last post, which was quite a while ago. So here we go, personal email:

"Hey Mum,

I wanted to write an email because I've been feeling a bit upset since our last phone call as you've been seeming a bit passive/aggressive lately. 

In particular, when I tried to tell you about a new person I'd started dating you made all these remarks about "what do asexuals even do with each other" and then when I tried to explain we just act like a normal couple you kept talking over me saying "I don't want to hear it I'm going now". This is really confusing, as I don't understand how you could possibly be  disgusted by my ... not doing any sexual acts?? How is that in anyway something shameful? You also kept saying that romance isn't real without sex which pretty much invalidates any relationship I've previously had, and makes my emotions or love for other people totally invalid. 

I think sometimes you just say this stuff without thinking, but it's actually really hurtful and thoughtless, and I end every conversation with you feeling like somehow I should be really ashamed of myself although I'm not sure exactly what for.

I don't know why you feel the need to do that or say those kind of things constantly then act like I shouldn't be upset about them. I'd NEVER put someone down over their gender or sexual orientation (or lack thereof). 

I love you Mum and I know you've supported me financially and in lots of ways, but it'd be so awesome to be able to be really close and to be able to really talk to each other while maintaining respect. In fact I'd love so much to be able to do that! <3

 I've been working so hard on gaining confidence and being okay with myself, and obviously this next couple of years will be a struggle but a continuation of that growth. Part of that is really trying to let go of many years of guilt and shame over what I am or aren't so I can just be me and be happy. I have realised that when other people make you feel bad it's usually a reflection of their own issues and insecurities they need to work out. I think if each of us was truly okay with ourselves we would feel no need to put anyone down or judge anyone else.

Anyway I know this was a bit long, but I love you a lot and really need you, especially after losing ( ex-), who was (I had thought anyway) the one person who offered unconditional and non-judging support while we were together.

But yeh I reckon you should try and go to that support group event I emailed to you before if you are able to, as I think it would be really helpful to talk to other parents (and health professionals) about gender-diverse family members. Personally I don't think it's that hard to just love someone for who they are and not worry about/support their gender and sexual identity. Everyone is different and we're meant to be! Once society stops judging people for those things there'll be much less depression, anxiety, suicide and multitude of other issues. No person is 'wrong' or 'broken' or should be ashamed!

Love you a tonne,

Tam xoxoxoxo"

Early Transition feels (in pictures)

Transition stories

 I'm now three and a half weeks on T  - some days my voice gets a little croaky/raspy, and I have a little more hair on my legs just above my ankles. Nothing too noticeable yet though. I've heard the capsules can take longer to have an effect, so I might switch over to gel or shots next time I see my Doctor.. I'm mostly anxious to have my voice drop, which I think will make a huge difference in getting gendered correctly. LOL just imagined me doing Mufasa's voice in the Lion King: "SIMBAAAA" :D

I'm made a few local mates from transgender support groups online, all awesome people! It's refreshing to be around people who really get what you're going through (still love being around my cis-gendered friends also of course!)

My Mum has made some progress when it comes to accepting my transition. At least she's no longer yelling abuse, just reiterating that 'it makes no sense' which it probably does not, if you are not yourself transgender.  However she did correct herself the other day - when referring to me, she went to say my 'daughter' and changed it to 'child', which I thought was a pretty big step for her :) I was like 'yayyyy Mum great work!' She looked confused about how happy that made me haha.

On a less positive note... At a Christian school I teach flute lessons at, one of the Mums pulled her kid out of flute lessons with me. This was a high school student whom I got along with extremely well, who was musically gifted and we had a great dynamic in our lessons. In fact last year the mother in question sent me more than one email saying her kid loved having me as a teacher. So, the principal called me in for a chat and said that this particular Mum had been 'suspicious' of my name change, looked me up online and found this blog, hence discovering that I was transgender. She may be reading this now for all I know, but I'm not taking my blog down due to the prejudice of one person.

Even though my gender identity has nothing to do with my Music or teaching, it was apparently necessary to remove her 15 year old from the damning influence of a transgender, non-religious flute teacher (even though I'd never discuss religion or gender in a flute lesson - I mean, as if we'd have time for that anyway!) It's kind of flummoxing, I mean what do people think, that their poor innocent child will be corrupted or catch the transgender bug?  Please see link below:

http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/my-gender-identity-harmless/

But I mean ... God FORBID a child should be exposed to a diverse range of people and genders and learn that it's okay for them to be who they really are. I mean that's just despicable... (sarcasm).  I mean sorry to tell you this, but your high school student will soon be going out into the world and will be exposed to all sorts of people, religions, sexualities, cultures, genders. This is called, um, THE WORLD.

So anyway, how does the school react? They hire in a NEW flute tutor for those students who don't want to go with me any more as a result (correction: for trans phobic and small minded parents who like to teach their children that there is shame in being a social minority). I mean, has there really never been a transgender child at the school? Imagine if parents demanded such a child be removed from school because they didn't want the other kids exposed to a transgender person? What kind of people ARE these, and what kind of message do they want to send to their kids? Not to mention the harm they are doing to the kids who actually might be gender diverse and taught to be ashamed of themselves all their childhood. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??

Honestly I have tried to be open and accepting of different religions in general, but in my experience religion often causes people to close their minds, become bigoted, righteous, discriminatory and prejudice. Or maybe the people are already like that, and they use religion to fuel that.

Okay, so it turns out the above statement ISN'T always true - I actually have a new job at a Catholic School, who amazingly don't care about my gender or religion. Who would have thought it? They obviously realise that those factors are irrelevant to my flute teaching. Some sanity in the world has been restored!

ANYWAY, let me just announce that I refuse to be shamed by my mother, the people at my jobs, or ANYONE because of my identity. I'm a fully functional, intelligent person, I've completed multiple university degrees, and I am now a graduate student. No, I'm not religious, because religion just does not make sense or resonate with me. It's fine if it does with you, just don't be a bigoted a**hole as a result. I am a complete person and I have never felt more confident or happy in my identity and sense of self.

Unfortunately haters are always going to hate (often disguising this hate as righteousness). Go right ahead, but I hope your poor child one day grows up to realise there is a diverse world of people out there who all deserve equality and respect.

I took some 'nude' picture a couple of weeks ago (don't worry, nothing is showing) to try and get a raw image of myself and my body pre-transition. So this is me, and though the outside exterior may change over time, I'm still me and I hope other people can see and accept that. For all of us.. it's a difficult thing, the desire, the NEED to be really seen.

I've just started on Testosterone! (ftm transition)

~Tam~

Xmas, Fiance's and Ukelele's

My fiance is coming back to Perth for xmas!!! He arrives in a day and a half. I thought I'd share this snippet of (typed) conversation we had online, because I think it really represents us as people. My fiance decided not to bring his guitar on the aeroplane because it's awkward, and to bring the ukelele instead. Conversation followed thus:

Fiance: I'm coming with a ukelele. much easier to travel with
Me: woohoo!!
imagine if it was called Eleleku
Fiance: haha
Me: pronounced Eee- le - le — cue
...... no
ee lay le cue
Me:  if someone at security asks u what it is, say
 “its a Ee lay le cue"
'Ce: "call the police"
Me: and they say ‘wtf is that'
 be like “oh you know, an EE-LAY-le-cue. everyone knows what that is"
 then make strumming motions in the air
then the security officer says, after a pause… “you mean Ukelele?"
“No dude, it’s pronounce Ee lay le cue"
 Me: don’t you miss me hahhaa you are going to put up with this shit daily
'Ce: haha
  sorry I was playing my eelaylecue
Me: HAHAA
'Ce: I miss you
Me: 10 points to gryffindor!!
'Ce: you can say that word without vowels
 grrrrfnnnndrrrr
Me: lol!!!
how about,
Hfflllpfffff
'Ce: slllltthhhrrrrrnnnn
Me: rrrrvvvvnnnnclllww
oh we are so cool I dont know anyone as cool as us


:D :D I can't wait to have this dork around so we can be dorks together.  HAPPY XMAS EVERYONE and hope you can spend it with equally adorkable people <3

~Tam~

I'm transitioning with HRT! Also check out my new Vlogs. Dogs are cool.

So I recently discovered the magic of Vlogs... I've been having a lot of fun blurting out whatever thought-mish-mash is going on in my noggin, and then editing to extract the bits that actually make some vague kind of sense. :P

So, in my videos I explained how I have been to see a Dr who was very supportive and agreed that testosterone treatment is a good way to go for me. Here is the first vid:

.... and the second which explains a bit more about how I knew I was transgender, what it means, and how it feels:

If you SUBSCRIBE to my youtube channel, you can check out my other vids (I have a couple of others up already about body dysphoria, 'coming out', etc. I'm still learning how to actually make vids and edit them, and I'll have to get a better quality webcam at some point.

So anyway, at this point I've seen the GP, had blood tests done, and have an appointment booked to see a psychiatrist, who needs to write a letter so that my GP can start me on testosterone treatment. I can't wait, wish I didn't have to wait until the 8th for the pdoc appointment!  I can't even express how happy I am that I finally isolated what's been going on with me since forever - I'M NOT A GIRL!! I'M TRANSGENDER! I can finally recognise and put a name to my experiences and am now making positive steps to ensure I can live a happier life and be me! :) :)

Oh, and I'm legally changing my name to "Tarmon Louis Simpson" rather than Tamara Louise Simpson. "Tam" is still perfectly fine as a nick-name, however. I've decided to go with either neutral they/them/their pronouns or he/his. I am wanting to present masculine, as that is more comfortable for me than female, although I identify as genderqueer (not female but not 100% male).

I've yet to 'come out' to all my family and friends (only a few friends know at this point). I'll send off my name-change application within the next few days. Once that goes through I'll make my new name 'facebook official.'

And If you feel like embarking on some  family-related drama.. in one of my other youtube vids entitled "Coming Out Fears" I talk about how my Mum is literally refusing to let me tell her I'm trans. I tried sitting her down to tell her and she just yelled "I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT STOP."  So yes my Mum is in denial and it's going to be tough getting her to use new pronouns and stop referring to me as her 'daughter.' oh, the drama. why must it be so? *sigh. But I'm so happy with my identity now and the direction I'm going, so I hope she comes around.

Also, binders are really uncomfortable in Australian summer.

Also, Dog.

~Tarmon~

So....What does Gender Identity actually mean?? Also, I play the flute and have a giant white dog.

I was trying to explain to someone the other day why I didn't 'feel' like a man or a woman... rather than just a 'woman who is a bit different than the social stereotype.' At the time I didn't really know how to answer, other than to say that it was an internal experience of identity: just the way a cis-gendered person has an internal sense of being a man or a woman. I said to : "Well would you feel comfortable dressing and presenting as the opposite gender? Would you mind if people assumed you were that gender and interacted with you as such?" They said they wouldn't like it, and I asked why. They replied that they wouldn't feel like their true self. <----- THIS. That's the only way I can describe I know I'm not a tom-boyish girl, but actually not a girl OR a boy. I just don't feel comfortable with being perceived as 'female' - equally I don't feel comfortable with the label of 'male'. 

I really do feel like I don't fit into those gender categories, and I'm trying to a achieve a style/presentation that doesn't automatically box me into one of those. I recently ordered my first binder online from gc2b, because even though I have small boobs anyway, they still don't fit right into neutral or male-type clothing.

I've also decided not to wear a dress to my flute recital (don't get me wrong, I think dresses are beautiful too) but I feel more comfortable in smart, neutral clothing. And also I don't really want to stand up there for my final Master's recital and be a 'woman in a pretty dress playing a pretty flute'. I just want to be a musician making (hopefully enjoyable and moving) music! 

Trying out recital outfit - photobombed by Dog :)

^Not the best pic of me, but I thought it looked quite gender-neutral. So although I've been doing minimal makeup, I tried white mascara because why not. It evidently looked pretty weird, like an alien. But then maybe I secretly am an alien.. an asexual agender alien.. okay gonna end this photo caption now before things get out of hand :D

So if you're still thinking 'non-binary people don't exist' or 'genderqueer isn't a thing'.... then just imagine for a sec that you look like the opposite gender than you actually are, and everyone around you constantly assumes you are that gender. It would feel really unpleasant, right? Like your true self was being denied and awkwardly shunted away.

From WIKI: "Gender identity is one's personal experience of one's own gender. This is generally described as one's private sense of being a man or a woman, consisting primarily of the acceptance of membership into a category of people: male or female....."

                             and more:    ".. In most Western societies, there exists a gender binary, a social dichotomy that enforces conformance to the ideals of masculinity and femininity in all aspects of sex and gender: biological sex, gender identity, and gender expression. Some societies have third gender categories that can be used as a basis for a gender identity by people who are uncomfortable with the gender that is usually associated with their sex; in other societies, membership of any of the gender categories is open to people regardless of their sex."

Gonna leave you with that little snippet of interesting cultural info! I better go because my dog is making weird noises that mean he's hungry. I mean he's always hungry, but the noises mean he is reaalllly hungry . Like so hungry he might actually eat me if I don't give him his dinner now. Oh helllp don't kill me Napolean!!

Non-Binary Banter

I'm sitting at an outdoor table at one of the university cafes. It's lunch time, so its very busy here at the moment. I had discreet look around, and it appears that I am the only person here presenting as a non-binary gender. That's not to say there isn't anyone else here that doesn't identify as either male or female, but I'm the only person in the vicinity presenting a 'genderqueer' exterior.


Hang on! you say. Where is all this 'non-binary'/'genderqueer' stuff coming from? What do those terms mean, and since when have you identified with them?


From wiki:


"Genderqueer (GQ; alternatively non-binary) is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine—identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.^[1"


Whhaaaat? There are more genders than just male and female? Yes. Yes there are. Importantly, biological sex and gender are different things.

  Again, wiki comes to the rescue:
 

"The distinction between sex and gender differentiates sex (the anatomy of an individual's reproductive system, and secondary sex characteristics) from gender (social roles based on the sex of the person), or personal identification of one's own gender based on an internal awareness (gender identity).^[1][2] In some circumstances, an individual's assigned sex and gender do not align, and the result is sometimes a transgender person.^[1]

The Genderqueer flag:

So, as I'm sure you've gathered by now, I've decided to embrace my personal identity as a non-binary gendered person. That is to say, I don't feel that I belong to either of the male/female categories. Some non-binary people feel that they are a mixture of male and female (bigendered), or that they switch between them (genderfluid) or that they have no gender at all (agender, neutrois), I feel like I do have a gender, but it is completely separate from and outside the male/female binary. There is a new term "Maverique" for such a third gender, but it's not widely known/accepted:


http://maveriques.tumblr.com/maverique
http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Maverique


I know I know, there's so many 'new terms' and many people have voiced that so much terminology is getting stupid. However, I kind of like having a word I can use to describe myself, and its kind of validating and a way to relate to similar-minded people. However, for now I'm just sticking with "non-binary," because I think it's an overall concept easier to grasp for most people.


So how did I come to the conclusion that I am "non-binary"?


Basically, the more I thought about it, the more I realised ... the reason I've always felt so awkward about my body, appearance and personal bearing was because I was constantly trying to fit into a female norm that I could never really match, and also felt deeply uncomfortable with.
I think back to all those comments I got from friends (never intending to be hurtful) saying things like: "you don't seem like a girl" or "you're more like a guy than a girl." (*note: I do not identify with being a guy any more than I identify as a girl.) Although these friends were merely being matter of fact, because they did accept me how I was, it did also increase my uncomfortable self-awareness about my appearance and behaviour.  I wore padded bras all the time to try and make my breasts look bigger (I'm naturally very flat-chested), I wore tight clothes to try and look curvy and 'feminine,' I tried to act 'girly,' maintain a kind of submissive demeanor, even flirty - despite the fact that I'm also asexual and don't experience sexual attraction at all.
I wanted people to like me and be attracted to me, and I thought I needed to be feminine and desirable, to achieve that.


When I got a serious boyfriend (who is now my fiancé), I tried desperately to fulfil that 'female counterpart' I thought he was looking for. In short, I spent my whole adolescence and early adulthood pretending to be a straight female. And I almost completely lost myself in the process.


I had quite a severe identity crisis in my early 20's, which was diagnosed as "borderline personality disorder." I was severely depressed during this time, self-harming and suicidal (I made an attempt that landed me in the emergency ward, then a psychiatric hospital.) I kept doing things like wildly hacking off my hair with kitchen scissors in the middle of the night, because I couldn't make sense of who the person in the mirror was. I never once thought, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual, maybe my gender isn't female...maybe I'm so conflicted because I've spent years trying to be something I'm not. Neither did I think: maybe it's okay to let go of those ideals and be something else, something true. Maybe I won't be rejected and abandoned for being me. All I knew was that I felt all wrong, and terribly empty.


When I discovered the term "asexual" and eventually came out to my fiancé, despite my worst fears he did not reject me, but accepted it and did his best to understand and make me feel comfortable in the relationship. When I first suggest I might not be "female" OR "male" but rather something else altoether, a gender unique to me, he just said: "Awesome! That's cool!" and when I said: "I'm going to cut my hair again and dress in male and unisex clothing, because I feel more comfortable presenting as androgynous, he said: "Do whatever you want, Tam.. whatever makes you feel good in yourself. It's all the same to me how you dress and have your hair!"


So, wow. I'm asexual, genderqueer and a sufferer of mood disorders. Yet my heterosexual, cis-male, emotionally-balanced fiancé loves and accepts me for exactly who I really am.


So I guess the message is: If you lie outside the social, sexual and gender norms, this does NOT mean that you can't or won't be loved by others.
Family, friends and partners - the people who are really important, and who are meant to be a big part of your life, will love you for you!


THERE IS NOTHING WRONG ABOUT YOU, and you don't need to be afraid to let go and be you.

~Tam~

Fiance, Reunions and Giant Dog

Yesterday my fiance arrive back in Perth!! He has been away for 9 months, studying in the U.S. I missed him so much... so did our giant dog Napolean (who is also my Psychiatric Service Dog). Here is a video of the dog-human re-union at the airport:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XifTzJv93Qc

Excuse the old-school camcorder!

I love the way Napolean takes a moment at the beginning to confirm it is indeed Ambrose.. then goes crazy with excitement!

I was pretty excited also :) So good to have Ambrose home! He is certainly getting a lot of attention from me and N-dog ...

 ^Napolean happily waiting for Ambrose's flight to arrive :)

^Ambrose getting kisses all round!

^Stopped at the shops on the way home... Napolean decided he would get in the drivers seat.. maybe he wants to drive us home??

.... It's confirmed, I have an awesome dog and an awesome fiance. Am pretty lucky really :D <3

~Tam~

Barking Mad: "Howling Lessons"

BARKING MAD

The Adventures of Napolean, a Very Anxious Therapy Dog

"Howling Lessons"

Napolean, being a wolfhound, has the blood-curdling howl of a wolf. Actually it sounds more like something out of a horror movie like "Hound of the Baskervilles" (Clink link below for an accurate audio representation)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5V012rB1Iw


Napolean likes to take every opportunity to practice his beastly howl. Including the days when I take flute lessons from my house. It begins from the moment the student and parent arrive at our doorstep..

After this warm welcome, we then proceed with the lesson. However, Napolean likes to join in the music:

The student's parent usually waits in the lounge room, where they partake in various fascinating activities like reading books and tablets. Napolean, however, has a memory span roughly equivalent to that of a goldfish. This means that he constantly forgets that the parent is still in the house. As a consequence, every time he wanders aimlessly back into the lounge room, his tiny wolfhound-mind is blown by the apparition of a random human.

Eventually, he will get used to the presence of the parent again, and will wander back into the music room.

This cycle repeats indefinitely...

           
                                                                                                       ..... until the end of the lesson:

... and I wonder why I don't have more students...

*THE END* 

~Tam

BARKING MAD: "New Year Ruffolutions"

BARKING MAD

The Adventures of Napolean, a Very Anxious Therapy Dog

"New Year Ruffolutions"

Napolean the Very Anxious Therapy Dog had a ruff time on New Years Eve. He was forced to accompany me, his Very Anxious Human, to a small party. At first it was scary for Napolean, because he is a Very Anxious Dog, but then, it became rather boring. Quickly, however, Napolean found himself extremely drawn to the large amount of delicious-smelling food on the party table - in particular, some greasy meatballs impaled on small wooden skewers. Napolean had been strictly forbidden to investigate these tantalising dishes. But Napolean was smart. He knew that he only needed to wait for the opportune moment to arise...

Unfortunately, he was spotted by a meddlesome human just as the meatball - skewer and all - disappeared into his mouth.

This caused a flurry of panic amoung the humans, as they seemed to think he might be silly enough to choke on the toothpick. However, Napolean was way smarter than that.

He spat the single toothpick daintily onto the carpet, then tried to look really happy and loveable so as not to be told off for disobeying his human's rules. 

As usual, his good looks won out and after a quick scolding, his human quickly forgave him. However, the night didn't end there. Napolean was then forced to accompany his human down to the river, which was okay, until  explosions suddenly sounded all around him!! Napolean was seized by an utter panic! He ripped his lead out of my hands and began racing in mad circles up and down the river bank. To Ndog, it seemed as though the world was ending, in great explosions of sound and light. How could the humans stay so calm at a time like this?? 

It took half an hour after the fireworks had ended for us to calm Napolean down. But it took another day of rest for him to recover from the emotional trauma of Years Eve, and for me to recover from the draining effect of social interaction. Next New Years, we have decided we are staying in bed and eating meatballs (or maybe tofu in my case). Without the toothpicks.

*THE END (of 2014!)*

~Tam~

Loving Myself And Dogs :)

Last few days I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps. I felt like a wet blanket on New Years Eve, even though I force myself to go out with some friends. Napolean came too and was a bit naughty...  I'll tell that story later complete with computer-drawn comic :D 

Anyway, I felt crappy all day, and I avoided going out for my mother-in-laws birthday by lying and saying I had a stomach bug. But then, this evening I actually got some stuff done. I was proud of it, so thought I'd make a list.

PROUD LIST (Sat 3rd Jan 2015)

1. I have been feeling upset by a few family members lately, but kept it all inside and never spoke to them about it. So, tonight, instead of wallowing in sadness/hurt, I sent some assertive emails about my feelings and explaining why I was feeling hurt by them, but also intimating that I would like to move on from it. I've decided that in 2015 I'm going to respect myself. Keep it classy, but also stand up for myself when I need to. Spent way too long with zero confidence or self respect. No more. If someone steps over the line, I need to assert myself and my boundaries. My friends and family are important to me, but I am also important to MYSELF. And thats okay.

2.  Following on from that... I made my New Years Resolution:  Respect and appreciate myself. Stop hating myself, stop hurting myself and stop kicking myself to the dirt. My existence is on par with anyone elses, I am equally as important.  I CAN and WILL be healthy.

2. Cooked the dogs some yummy mince meat for dinner (Yummy for THEM, I mean, since I'm a vegetarian... :P

3. Walked dogs - two laps round the block.

4. Watered the garden (My plants have been looking pretty dead lately due to neglect)

5. Re-potted some plants, pulled out dead plants (sorry plants, i killed you)

6. Sat down to write a blog entry about my achievements :D

TO DO TONIGHT

7. Make myself a coffee and snack

8. Practice some orchestral excerpts, and the 2nd movement of Nielsen Flute Concerto. I may not have been offered an audition for my current Masters applications, but I will be applying for more soon and I'm going to be prepared to do an impressive performance on short notice.

9. Take sleeping tablet in order to get a good sleep... and cuddle up with my doggies for a good rest and happy dreaming! :)



Below: Am babysitting my Mums dog at the moment, so the two of them have taken over my bed! :P <3 (Can't figure out how to get rid of the date imprinted on the photos... new cheap camera..)

~Tam~