"Hey Mum,
I wanted to write an email because I've been feeling a bit upset since our last phone call as you've been seeming a bit passive/aggressive lately.
In particular, when I tried to tell you about a new person I'd started dating you made all these remarks about "what do asexuals even do with each other" and then when I tried to explain we just act like a normal couple you kept talking over me saying "I don't want to hear it I'm going now". This is really confusing, as I don't understand how you could possibly be disgusted by my ... not doing any sexual acts?? How is that in anyway something shameful? You also kept saying that romance isn't real without sex which pretty much invalidates any relationship I've previously had, and makes my emotions or love for other people totally invalid.
I think sometimes you just say this stuff without thinking, but it's actually really hurtful and thoughtless, and I end every conversation with you feeling like somehow I should be really ashamed of myself although I'm not sure exactly what for.
I don't know why you feel the need to do that or say those kind of things constantly then act like I shouldn't be upset about them. I'd NEVER put someone down over their gender or sexual orientation (or lack thereof).
I love you Mum and I know you've supported me financially and in lots of ways, but it'd be so awesome to be able to be really close and to be able to really talk to each other while maintaining respect. In fact I'd love so much to be able to do that! <3
I've been working so hard on gaining confidence and being okay with myself, and obviously this next couple of years will be a struggle but a continuation of that growth. Part of that is really trying to let go of many years of guilt and shame over what I am or aren't so I can just be me and be happy. I have realised that when other people make you feel bad it's usually a reflection of their own issues and insecurities they need to work out. I think if each of us was truly okay with ourselves we would feel no need to put anyone down or judge anyone else.
Anyway I know this was a bit long, but I love you a lot and really need you, especially after losing ( ex-), who was (I had thought anyway) the one person who offered unconditional and non-judging support while we were together.
But yeh I reckon you should try and go to that support group event I emailed to you before if you are able to, as I think it would be really helpful to talk to other parents (and health professionals) about gender-diverse family members. Personally I don't think it's that hard to just love someone for who they are and not worry about/support their gender and sexual identity. Everyone is different and we're meant to be! Once society stops judging people for those things there'll be much less depression, anxiety, suicide and multitude of other issues. No person is 'wrong' or 'broken' or should be ashamed!
Love you a tonne,
Tam xoxoxoxo"
Can I start off this comment with: I went back and watched your first transition video and you have the most adorable voice? Like can you just give it to me since yours is probably going to deepen? That didn't start out sounding supportive lol but you're the lost adorable human. I just want to hug you. Also, I didn't see anything in yet urgent teeth. :P I'm really glad that you're documenting this because it's a completely different experience for me to more or less come along with you on. They had a conference at my college and one talk was on the LGBTQ (I think I got all the letters) community by a therapist who was herself lesbian and had at one time been married to a man and how that was with her family as well. It's such a foreign concept to me and it's on subculture. I'm also so so impressed and glad that you are aware of and will be monitoring your mental health knowing that you've had things going on in the past. I love having clients who are aware and proactive. The idea of no gender is so perplexing to me and I'm sure some of it comes from a lack of knowledge but I want to learn so I can be most effective as a therapist myself. You would be so interesting to talk with and maybe sometime we can email and you can give me a lesson if you'd be open to it. Okay, next, I think your email was very kind and straightforward. I can see how this would be difficult for a parent but it's just as difficult for someone in transition and I think you're brave to share it with us in the blog world and make so much effort to connect with your parent. I know thta I'm not in your situation, but my father is the person I have to work hard to have communication and him giving a shit or showing it in general. It's exhausting to be the parent and the bigger person when you're the child and should be loved as that child. My heart aches for you, but you've got the support of people that love you and even us here that haven't gotten the pleasure of meeting you! I'm sending you hugs and love and I really hope her heart will soften.
ReplyDeletePS sorry for the typos. Gotta be smarter than your phone. :P
DeleteThank you so much for the lovely message Eve! You sound like such an amazing person, dedicating your life and work to helping others. Glad you didn't think the email to my Mum sounded too aggressive, I really was just trying to communicate.. Unfortunately she replied saying she can't accept things so it's better if we just never talk about them. It's a shame as I'd really like to be close to her, but what can you do? :/ About your agender question, I'm not agender myself (I definitely identify as a trans guy now) but I know there are quite a few agender folk. You could look up some genderqueer facebook groups to perhaps chat to some gender diverse people on there? Could give some good insight :)
DeleteThanks again for the message, hope you are doing well. Tarmon x