Self-Harming again

I've had a bad couple of weeks. I am depressed, but it's very hard to actually admit that I'm in a "down" episode. It's like, somehow saying it aloud will make it real. I think there were a lot of stress factors that brought it on... University has been really getting on top of me, I'm doing too many units, and the work-load is a bit above my stress-capabilities. Unfort I can't really do much about this, as its my final semester of uni, and if I defer a unit now I'd have to wait a whole year before I could repeat the unit - and how am I supposed to get money in the meantime, if I haven't got my degree so I can get a job? My disability pension only goes to the end of the year also. And then, there has been a huge uncertainty as to where my SO and I will actually be living next year, as my SO has applied for scholarships to do a phD in America - he has his heart totally set on going to this particular university over there. A few nights ago he really upset me by saying: "I don't think we can both afford to go over, I might need to go over by myself for a year or so."
I was completely shocked. I was like: "you'd seriously leave me here for a year or more?" and he kind of went: "well you know, there's really big career opportunities for me in America."
Well I don't know if I was overreacting or not, but I was really hurt that he'd put that ahead of our relationship, hands down. Um, I can hardly function even WITH that support person to rely on... how the hell does he think I'd cope on my own for a friggen year or two?? :S Anyway, then I internally chastised myself, thinking well why the hell should he put his life on hold for you, you're probably a freaking nuisance already, and a depressing one at that. Should I really blame the man for wanting to leave me behind?
Anyway, these things all just kind of compiled and added to the pile of self-worthlessness/hopelessness that had already descended on me in my dark mental state. And then there is the trouble I have always had with sex, that I actually hate it and I cry afterwards every time and I feel so goddammit worthless. So after I'd made myself shuttup over the America thing, thinking I didn't have a right to be mad or upset about it, the next day there was a "quickie" sesh that I gave into over guilt (it had been ages) and afterwards I felt like absolute shit.
I hurt so much, and I've been so sad and so utterly exhausted. I thought about death a lot, but I didn't really want to die, I wanted to live but I didn't - I don't - know how. So the self-harm comes in, because it makes me feel something of being alive, and I don't know what else to do.

I had an appointment with the psychologist the other day and I was pretty honest about what I was feeling. I think he wanted to see my arms for the SH, but I kind of brushed him off, saying: "oh well it was only shallow and was a few days ago so mostly healed." (there were quite a few scabs on my arms of course, but I didn't really want to show.) He didn't press me any further. I think I might have said a bit too much though; without really meaning too I said something in regards to SH: "I wish I just had the courage to do it properly and just end it." And then he started asking me if I'd often been having these thoughts and if I'd made any "plans." I hadn't, only the thoughts and speculations, so I was quick to make that clear. God forbid they should send me back into a psych ward! and plus it is unnecessary at the moment; I am just sad. I'll be alright. I have Napolean! xx

above: food??.... dead. food???? ...... dead. :D



~Tam~

Everyone is Sad

I'm so very confused. I absolutely cannot really see the point in anything; and yet I cling to certain things almost desperately - mainly my SO and my assistant dog lol. Without them I would definitely die. I was thinking the other day that maybe I will kill myself when my dog dies, and then I realised how ridiculous that would sound to most people.. but I do not feel like there is any point in living. I suppose I am depressed - but I cannot imagine/remember feeling any different, and I cannot convince myself that it's just the illness talking..
This morning when I got up I could not stop staring at knives in the kitchen, and imagining stabbing myself with them, messed up, right? And then all morning I've been thinking that maybe if I cut myself a little and watch myself bleed then I will feel more alive... but the psychologist says that SH ultimately makes you feel worse, so I am trying to listen and am resisting the urge.

Ahhh, my friend just messaged me and said they were feeling depressed.... why is everybody so sad??
:(


~Tam~

Sun and Flowers

We got some lovely sun yesterday, and the neighbour's front yard looked so pretty with all the flowers that I couldn't resist taking some pictures:

 
^^neighbour's pretty front garden                "Wood Nymph"- John William Waterhouse^^

^^my poor sick boy xx

~Tam

Life can be Ruff

It is very muddy today. And by that, I mean muddy in my head. I don't know if its partly me coming down with the cold my SO had, or if its just my general nuttiness, but my head really hurts, I'm dizzy and I cannot concentrate or think straight. Complaining complaining, aren't I? :P Well my poor doggy Napolean has had a rough time too; he had to get a tumour removed from his ear at the vets on Thursday - he had to go under general anaesthetic. Then on Friday we had to take him back to the vet TWICE because his ear was bleeding sooo badly (seriously we had blood ALL over our kitchen, the floor, the walls, the fridge, us.... EVERYTHING.) The first time we went back the vet bandaged Napolean's ear flat to his head so he couldn't shake it around and make it bleed - BUT the bandage came off immediately when we got home, so we had to go back. Napolean was petrified of that vet doctor for some reason (he was male, which may have been part of the problem) and he kept trying to climb on top of me and hide. The fact is, however, that he is a 45kg wolfhound whom is rather too large to hide OR be a lapdog XD Silly thing! However, we finally got his head bandaged properly, and a tighter cone-collar on so he couldn't scratch his ear.

This morning he woke up with a runny nose and red eyes, however, and hasn't moved all day long, so I think he may have the cold/flu my SO has had. Poor darling, he looks so miserable and pathetic lol!! I've been giving him lots of cuddles today and let him be inside with me (don't tell the landlord!)

I wonder if he's missing our other dog (Blair, the dog-aggressive, fence-jumping one we had to rehome) - I'm actually really missing her which might sound odd, considering all the trouble we had with her... but then she did give excellent doggy cuddles. Naw poor Blair, I hope she is getting the special training and meds that she needed (which we could not afford). I love dogs, I wish I was rich so that I could take care of them all! At least I have learnt my lesson, that I cannot overcommit when I don't have the resources to look after special needs dogs. I would love to have 2 dogs, but I thinks it's wise at the moment just to stick with Napolean.

And I have to admit it - he is pretty awesome. :)

nawww <3 <3

~Tam~