Early Transition feels (in pictures)

Transition stories

 I'm now three and a half weeks on T  - some days my voice gets a little croaky/raspy, and I have a little more hair on my legs just above my ankles. Nothing too noticeable yet though. I've heard the capsules can take longer to have an effect, so I might switch over to gel or shots next time I see my Doctor.. I'm mostly anxious to have my voice drop, which I think will make a huge difference in getting gendered correctly. LOL just imagined me doing Mufasa's voice in the Lion King: "SIMBAAAA" :D

I'm made a few local mates from transgender support groups online, all awesome people! It's refreshing to be around people who really get what you're going through (still love being around my cis-gendered friends also of course!)

My Mum has made some progress when it comes to accepting my transition. At least she's no longer yelling abuse, just reiterating that 'it makes no sense' which it probably does not, if you are not yourself transgender.  However she did correct herself the other day - when referring to me, she went to say my 'daughter' and changed it to 'child', which I thought was a pretty big step for her :) I was like 'yayyyy Mum great work!' She looked confused about how happy that made me haha.

On a less positive note... At a Christian school I teach flute lessons at, one of the Mums pulled her kid out of flute lessons with me. This was a high school student whom I got along with extremely well, who was musically gifted and we had a great dynamic in our lessons. In fact last year the mother in question sent me more than one email saying her kid loved having me as a teacher. So, the principal called me in for a chat and said that this particular Mum had been 'suspicious' of my name change, looked me up online and found this blog, hence discovering that I was transgender. She may be reading this now for all I know, but I'm not taking my blog down due to the prejudice of one person.

Even though my gender identity has nothing to do with my Music or teaching, it was apparently necessary to remove her 15 year old from the damning influence of a transgender, non-religious flute teacher (even though I'd never discuss religion or gender in a flute lesson - I mean, as if we'd have time for that anyway!) It's kind of flummoxing, I mean what do people think, that their poor innocent child will be corrupted or catch the transgender bug?  Please see link below:

http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/my-gender-identity-harmless/

But I mean ... God FORBID a child should be exposed to a diverse range of people and genders and learn that it's okay for them to be who they really are. I mean that's just despicable... (sarcasm).  I mean sorry to tell you this, but your high school student will soon be going out into the world and will be exposed to all sorts of people, religions, sexualities, cultures, genders. This is called, um, THE WORLD.

So anyway, how does the school react? They hire in a NEW flute tutor for those students who don't want to go with me any more as a result (correction: for trans phobic and small minded parents who like to teach their children that there is shame in being a social minority). I mean, has there really never been a transgender child at the school? Imagine if parents demanded such a child be removed from school because they didn't want the other kids exposed to a transgender person? What kind of people ARE these, and what kind of message do they want to send to their kids? Not to mention the harm they are doing to the kids who actually might be gender diverse and taught to be ashamed of themselves all their childhood. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??

Honestly I have tried to be open and accepting of different religions in general, but in my experience religion often causes people to close their minds, become bigoted, righteous, discriminatory and prejudice. Or maybe the people are already like that, and they use religion to fuel that.

Okay, so it turns out the above statement ISN'T always true - I actually have a new job at a Catholic School, who amazingly don't care about my gender or religion. Who would have thought it? They obviously realise that those factors are irrelevant to my flute teaching. Some sanity in the world has been restored!

ANYWAY, let me just announce that I refuse to be shamed by my mother, the people at my jobs, or ANYONE because of my identity. I'm a fully functional, intelligent person, I've completed multiple university degrees, and I am now a graduate student. No, I'm not religious, because religion just does not make sense or resonate with me. It's fine if it does with you, just don't be a bigoted a**hole as a result. I am a complete person and I have never felt more confident or happy in my identity and sense of self.

Unfortunately haters are always going to hate (often disguising this hate as righteousness). Go right ahead, but I hope your poor child one day grows up to realise there is a diverse world of people out there who all deserve equality and respect.

I took some 'nude' picture a couple of weeks ago (don't worry, nothing is showing) to try and get a raw image of myself and my body pre-transition. So this is me, and though the outside exterior may change over time, I'm still me and I hope other people can see and accept that. For all of us.. it's a difficult thing, the desire, the NEED to be really seen.

I've just started on Testosterone! (ftm transition)

~Tam~

Xmas, Fiance's and Ukelele's

My fiance is coming back to Perth for xmas!!! He arrives in a day and a half. I thought I'd share this snippet of (typed) conversation we had online, because I think it really represents us as people. My fiance decided not to bring his guitar on the aeroplane because it's awkward, and to bring the ukelele instead. Conversation followed thus:

Fiance: I'm coming with a ukelele. much easier to travel with
Me: woohoo!!
imagine if it was called Eleleku
Fiance: haha
Me: pronounced Eee- le - le — cue
...... no
ee lay le cue
Me:  if someone at security asks u what it is, say
 “its a Ee lay le cue"
'Ce: "call the police"
Me: and they say ‘wtf is that'
 be like “oh you know, an EE-LAY-le-cue. everyone knows what that is"
 then make strumming motions in the air
then the security officer says, after a pause… “you mean Ukelele?"
“No dude, it’s pronounce Ee lay le cue"
 Me: don’t you miss me hahhaa you are going to put up with this shit daily
'Ce: haha
  sorry I was playing my eelaylecue
Me: HAHAA
'Ce: I miss you
Me: 10 points to gryffindor!!
'Ce: you can say that word without vowels
 grrrrfnnnndrrrr
Me: lol!!!
how about,
Hfflllpfffff
'Ce: slllltthhhrrrrrnnnn
Me: rrrrvvvvnnnnclllww
oh we are so cool I dont know anyone as cool as us


:D :D I can't wait to have this dork around so we can be dorks together.  HAPPY XMAS EVERYONE and hope you can spend it with equally adorkable people <3

~Tam~

I'm transitioning with HRT! Also check out my new Vlogs. Dogs are cool.

So I recently discovered the magic of Vlogs... I've been having a lot of fun blurting out whatever thought-mish-mash is going on in my noggin, and then editing to extract the bits that actually make some vague kind of sense. :P

So, in my videos I explained how I have been to see a Dr who was very supportive and agreed that testosterone treatment is a good way to go for me. Here is the first vid:

.... and the second which explains a bit more about how I knew I was transgender, what it means, and how it feels:

If you SUBSCRIBE to my youtube channel, you can check out my other vids (I have a couple of others up already about body dysphoria, 'coming out', etc. I'm still learning how to actually make vids and edit them, and I'll have to get a better quality webcam at some point.

So anyway, at this point I've seen the GP, had blood tests done, and have an appointment booked to see a psychiatrist, who needs to write a letter so that my GP can start me on testosterone treatment. I can't wait, wish I didn't have to wait until the 8th for the pdoc appointment!  I can't even express how happy I am that I finally isolated what's been going on with me since forever - I'M NOT A GIRL!! I'M TRANSGENDER! I can finally recognise and put a name to my experiences and am now making positive steps to ensure I can live a happier life and be me! :) :)

Oh, and I'm legally changing my name to "Tarmon Louis Simpson" rather than Tamara Louise Simpson. "Tam" is still perfectly fine as a nick-name, however. I've decided to go with either neutral they/them/their pronouns or he/his. I am wanting to present masculine, as that is more comfortable for me than female, although I identify as genderqueer (not female but not 100% male).

I've yet to 'come out' to all my family and friends (only a few friends know at this point). I'll send off my name-change application within the next few days. Once that goes through I'll make my new name 'facebook official.'

And If you feel like embarking on some  family-related drama.. in one of my other youtube vids entitled "Coming Out Fears" I talk about how my Mum is literally refusing to let me tell her I'm trans. I tried sitting her down to tell her and she just yelled "I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT STOP."  So yes my Mum is in denial and it's going to be tough getting her to use new pronouns and stop referring to me as her 'daughter.' oh, the drama. why must it be so? *sigh. But I'm so happy with my identity now and the direction I'm going, so I hope she comes around.

Also, binders are really uncomfortable in Australian summer.

Also, Dog.

~Tarmon~

So....What does Gender Identity actually mean?? Also, I play the flute and have a giant white dog.

I was trying to explain to someone the other day why I didn't 'feel' like a man or a woman... rather than just a 'woman who is a bit different than the social stereotype.' At the time I didn't really know how to answer, other than to say that it was an internal experience of identity: just the way a cis-gendered person has an internal sense of being a man or a woman. I said to : "Well would you feel comfortable dressing and presenting as the opposite gender? Would you mind if people assumed you were that gender and interacted with you as such?" They said they wouldn't like it, and I asked why. They replied that they wouldn't feel like their true self. <----- THIS. That's the only way I can describe I know I'm not a tom-boyish girl, but actually not a girl OR a boy. I just don't feel comfortable with being perceived as 'female' - equally I don't feel comfortable with the label of 'male'. 

I really do feel like I don't fit into those gender categories, and I'm trying to a achieve a style/presentation that doesn't automatically box me into one of those. I recently ordered my first binder online from gc2b, because even though I have small boobs anyway, they still don't fit right into neutral or male-type clothing.

I've also decided not to wear a dress to my flute recital (don't get me wrong, I think dresses are beautiful too) but I feel more comfortable in smart, neutral clothing. And also I don't really want to stand up there for my final Master's recital and be a 'woman in a pretty dress playing a pretty flute'. I just want to be a musician making (hopefully enjoyable and moving) music! 

Trying out recital outfit - photobombed by Dog :)

^Not the best pic of me, but I thought it looked quite gender-neutral. So although I've been doing minimal makeup, I tried white mascara because why not. It evidently looked pretty weird, like an alien. But then maybe I secretly am an alien.. an asexual agender alien.. okay gonna end this photo caption now before things get out of hand :D

So if you're still thinking 'non-binary people don't exist' or 'genderqueer isn't a thing'.... then just imagine for a sec that you look like the opposite gender than you actually are, and everyone around you constantly assumes you are that gender. It would feel really unpleasant, right? Like your true self was being denied and awkwardly shunted away.

From WIKI: "Gender identity is one's personal experience of one's own gender. This is generally described as one's private sense of being a man or a woman, consisting primarily of the acceptance of membership into a category of people: male or female....."

                             and more:    ".. In most Western societies, there exists a gender binary, a social dichotomy that enforces conformance to the ideals of masculinity and femininity in all aspects of sex and gender: biological sex, gender identity, and gender expression. Some societies have third gender categories that can be used as a basis for a gender identity by people who are uncomfortable with the gender that is usually associated with their sex; in other societies, membership of any of the gender categories is open to people regardless of their sex."

Gonna leave you with that little snippet of interesting cultural info! I better go because my dog is making weird noises that mean he's hungry. I mean he's always hungry, but the noises mean he is reaalllly hungry . Like so hungry he might actually eat me if I don't give him his dinner now. Oh helllp don't kill me Napolean!!

Non-Binary Banter

I'm sitting at an outdoor table at one of the university cafes. It's lunch time, so its very busy here at the moment. I had discreet look around, and it appears that I am the only person here presenting as a non-binary gender. That's not to say there isn't anyone else here that doesn't identify as either male or female, but I'm the only person in the vicinity presenting a 'genderqueer' exterior.


Hang on! you say. Where is all this 'non-binary'/'genderqueer' stuff coming from? What do those terms mean, and since when have you identified with them?


From wiki:


"Genderqueer (GQ; alternatively non-binary) is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine—identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.^[1"


Whhaaaat? There are more genders than just male and female? Yes. Yes there are. Importantly, biological sex and gender are different things.

  Again, wiki comes to the rescue:
 

"The distinction between sex and gender differentiates sex (the anatomy of an individual's reproductive system, and secondary sex characteristics) from gender (social roles based on the sex of the person), or personal identification of one's own gender based on an internal awareness (gender identity).^[1][2] In some circumstances, an individual's assigned sex and gender do not align, and the result is sometimes a transgender person.^[1]

The Genderqueer flag:

So, as I'm sure you've gathered by now, I've decided to embrace my personal identity as a non-binary gendered person. That is to say, I don't feel that I belong to either of the male/female categories. Some non-binary people feel that they are a mixture of male and female (bigendered), or that they switch between them (genderfluid) or that they have no gender at all (agender, neutrois), I feel like I do have a gender, but it is completely separate from and outside the male/female binary. There is a new term "Maverique" for such a third gender, but it's not widely known/accepted:


http://maveriques.tumblr.com/maverique
http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Maverique


I know I know, there's so many 'new terms' and many people have voiced that so much terminology is getting stupid. However, I kind of like having a word I can use to describe myself, and its kind of validating and a way to relate to similar-minded people. However, for now I'm just sticking with "non-binary," because I think it's an overall concept easier to grasp for most people.


So how did I come to the conclusion that I am "non-binary"?


Basically, the more I thought about it, the more I realised ... the reason I've always felt so awkward about my body, appearance and personal bearing was because I was constantly trying to fit into a female norm that I could never really match, and also felt deeply uncomfortable with.
I think back to all those comments I got from friends (never intending to be hurtful) saying things like: "you don't seem like a girl" or "you're more like a guy than a girl." (*note: I do not identify with being a guy any more than I identify as a girl.) Although these friends were merely being matter of fact, because they did accept me how I was, it did also increase my uncomfortable self-awareness about my appearance and behaviour.  I wore padded bras all the time to try and make my breasts look bigger (I'm naturally very flat-chested), I wore tight clothes to try and look curvy and 'feminine,' I tried to act 'girly,' maintain a kind of submissive demeanor, even flirty - despite the fact that I'm also asexual and don't experience sexual attraction at all.
I wanted people to like me and be attracted to me, and I thought I needed to be feminine and desirable, to achieve that.


When I got a serious boyfriend (who is now my fiancé), I tried desperately to fulfil that 'female counterpart' I thought he was looking for. In short, I spent my whole adolescence and early adulthood pretending to be a straight female. And I almost completely lost myself in the process.


I had quite a severe identity crisis in my early 20's, which was diagnosed as "borderline personality disorder." I was severely depressed during this time, self-harming and suicidal (I made an attempt that landed me in the emergency ward, then a psychiatric hospital.) I kept doing things like wildly hacking off my hair with kitchen scissors in the middle of the night, because I couldn't make sense of who the person in the mirror was. I never once thought, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual, maybe my gender isn't female...maybe I'm so conflicted because I've spent years trying to be something I'm not. Neither did I think: maybe it's okay to let go of those ideals and be something else, something true. Maybe I won't be rejected and abandoned for being me. All I knew was that I felt all wrong, and terribly empty.


When I discovered the term "asexual" and eventually came out to my fiancé, despite my worst fears he did not reject me, but accepted it and did his best to understand and make me feel comfortable in the relationship. When I first suggest I might not be "female" OR "male" but rather something else altoether, a gender unique to me, he just said: "Awesome! That's cool!" and when I said: "I'm going to cut my hair again and dress in male and unisex clothing, because I feel more comfortable presenting as androgynous, he said: "Do whatever you want, Tam.. whatever makes you feel good in yourself. It's all the same to me how you dress and have your hair!"


So, wow. I'm asexual, genderqueer and a sufferer of mood disorders. Yet my heterosexual, cis-male, emotionally-balanced fiancé loves and accepts me for exactly who I really am.


So I guess the message is: If you lie outside the social, sexual and gender norms, this does NOT mean that you can't or won't be loved by others.
Family, friends and partners - the people who are really important, and who are meant to be a big part of your life, will love you for you!


THERE IS NOTHING WRONG ABOUT YOU, and you don't need to be afraid to let go and be you.

~Tam~