INFP

 I took the Jung personality test online and got INFP:

Humanmetrics Jung Typology Test™

Your Type

INFP

Introvert(67%)  iNtuitive(62%)  Feeling(50%)  Perceiving(44)%

• You have distinctive preference of Introversion over Extraversion (67%)
• You have distinctive preference of Intuition over Sensing (62%)
• You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (50%)
• You have moderate preference of Perceiving over Judging (44%)

According to Wkipedia:

• "I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFPs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).
• N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
• F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.^[8]
• P – Perception preferred to judgment: INFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.

"According to Myers-Briggs, INFPs focus much of their energy on an inner world dominated by intense feeling and deeply held ethics."

and according to similarminds.com ...

"creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic" LOL yep that's me in a nutshell!! What about you??

~Tam~

Asexuality - another orientation

ASEXUALITY (orientation) wikipedia definition: "Asexuality (or nonsexuality) is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the four variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. A study in 2004 placed the prevalence of asexuality at 1%."

^^ "Asexuality" flag

So hallelujah! My years of identity confusion and trying to "fix" my lack of sexuality are over! Asexuality IS AN ORIENTATION just like gay/straight etc. It's okay NOT to be sexually interested in either women or men. I have always been this way, and thought I was complete freak for it. And all the guilt and suffering in my relationship .... due to the problem of having a sexual partner and having to compromise and subsequently feel violated and worthless and totally messed up and confused... 

I am ASEXUAL and that is OKAY. I am finally okay with myself! Thank you internet and other like-minded people I have met for making me realise I am not alone. 

I wanted to post this blog so that other people who might be in the same boat can find some peace with their orientation - or lack thereof :) And so that 'sexual' people might gain a bit more understanding of us asexuals as regular people, not people who have a problem or who are 'unnatural.' I mean, heck, that's what 'straight' people used to say about homosexuality. 

Awareness needs to be spread about asexuality so that is also accepted as just another orientation, and for people to realise it is okay to be this way. 

- oh, and they need to add: "And I was NOT sexually molested/abused." 

AVEN website for more info on asexuality:   http://www.asexuality.org/en/

~Tam~

Rolling with the Runs

I'm having a sleeepy day today. It has been a bit of a stressful/exciting week. I started my post-graduate diploma of music performace (flute) at WAAPA (West Australian Academy of Performing Arts). I took Napolean to orientation, but obviously I couldn't bring him to the ensemble auditions etc. I'm PRAYING (as much as an atheist can "pray" lol) that I got into the main orchestra. Ideally as principle flautist, but I'm not sure. There are some great players at the academy. I think I rushed the piccolo excerpt too. But there's no point worrying about it until I found out I guess.
I tried auditioning for the choir too, but was kind of shut down lol. I was mortified! I've been singing with the chapel choir at the university of western Australia for 6 years (for which I had to audition to get in) and while I know I'm not like an amazingly skilled singer, I always thought I was a fairly decent alto/mezzo. However, I sang like four bars and the auditioner asked me if I was a vocal major, and I said I was an instrumentalist, then he told me I'm not good enough for the choir. I was trying not to be upset by it, but I was kind of like, 'um, okay... I'll just go then?' lol omg how embarrassing. :S But I really shouldn't care, I mean, I AM an instrumentalist after all... *sigh. I get upset by things way to easily! I hate failing at ANYTHING.

Well anyway, I was having a fair bit of trouble with anxiety before the orchestral auditions too. Starting from two days before the audition, I got reaaaalllly sick, as in running to the bathroom what felt like every 10min. The result of which I got really dehydrated and hypoglycaemic, resulting in shakiness, weakness, dizziness.. god it was awful! I ended up having to keep downing beta-blockers so that I could actually keep something down. Man I HATE this so much, I hate how anxiety controls my life so much! How the hell am I going to have a career as an orchestral player if I'm as sick as a dog every time I have to audition for something?

GAHHHH (sound of frustration). But anyway, after repeated administration of beta-adrenergic antagonists, the actual audition wasn't bad. except maybe the piccolo excerpt could have been better. meh.

Today we have a house inspection so I have been cleaning madly last night. Now I'm just waiting nervously for the real estate agent to turn up and start sniffing around for any missed dust or cobweb. I hope they come soon so that it can be over with!

I was meant to go to a grad diploma meeting at uni today, but I was soooo exhausted and I don't think I have the energy to drive there and have to interact with people again. It's hard to jump into all this after such a long break. I wonder what it feels like to live without any mental illness or disorder. Probably still hard, but maybe not AS hard. Not to be exhausted and sick from constant stressing would be nice.. or not having to worry about what extreme mood state you might find yourself in tomorrow...

I'd like it to go away please, I'd like to not be afraid of people and to just have a year where I feel like I'm truly LIVING without these things holding me back all the time!

Just needed a little self-involved whining sesh there, all done :P But what is this blog for if not to indulge in a little complaining? :)

Here is Napolean on my bed this morning, looking how I feel:

^^ "Nooo I refuse to acknowledge the day!"

And then, a little reluctant self reflection:

^^ "Okay, self-talk... Napolean, you need to get off ur ass and go eat some breakfast. Then take shit."

~Tam~

PS. Please excuse my messy room. I have cleaned it now (only because I had to for the inspection).