Old Dreams, New Paths, Same Dog :D

Stopped blogging a long time ago... and now decided to start back up as way to start writing again and get all of the 'noise' out of my head.

So tonight is just a simple recap....

I'm past 2 years on testosterone now, and I've switched to Reandron, which is a 3-monthly shot in the butt-cheek . It's fucking painful though 😂I've finally booked a top-surgery consultation with a surgeon, but still saving up for the actual surgery (isn't cheap!) I work full-time at the moment as a Sleep Scientist in a hospital which mostly involves wiring people up, analysing their sleep, and also treating people with sleep apnoea (which mostly means trying to convince them they need to wear a mask on their face when they sleep for the rest of their life).

I really miss music, although I do still play in the WA Charity Orchestra. Sadly I never achieved the dream of getting a professional orchestral position, although I'm technically still on WA Symphony Orchestra's casual list. If 20+people die all at once I might have a shot at getting a gig 😂😢😢Yeh, my heart hurts and I'll forever have many regrets about not taking the right path or putting in the amount of effort required at the right time. But you know, that's life., shit happens along the way and we do the best we can.

I'm renting alone at the moment because I was done with the steady stream of insane housemates. It's just me and the best dog in the world, Napolean. I tried twice to adopt a second dog; the first one was really aggressive toward poor Napolean, the second one completely trashed and destroyed the house and garden to an unbelievable level on a daily basis. Seriously that dog cost me 1000's until I eventually couldn't take it any more and re-homed him. So now its just us two.

This has all meant that I've really struggled to save any money despite working fulltime. Not to mention I lose about a third of each pay in Australian Tax and uni hecs fee repayment. Considering attempting another housemate, so if you know anyone relatively normal and drama-free, hmu.

I'm also completely psychiatric-medicine-free. I eventually came off the antidepressants too, which means I no longer feel emotionless and phased-out all the time, thank dog, and I'm coping fine without any pharmacalogical help. never thought i'd be in a position to say that, but it's true!

Transitioning has been the best thing that's ever happened to me (apart from adopting Napolean, obviously). I'm a little lonely, and still can't help sometimes thinking about the shit-storm that was my breakup with ex-fiance a couple of years ago, and I'm not sure I'll ever properly get my head around the fact that he quickly married someone else.  It's not like I'd every want to re-enter a relationship with him or anything, it's just a weird upheavel of what I thought my future would be like, which turned out to be completely stomped on and flipped, you know?  I've dated a little bit since then but nothing stuck. Got an excellent bunch of friends though, so I'm all good for now really.

I kind of believe that saying that 'we choose our own happiness', but it's not always easy to convince yourself you are completely content when the dreams in your head just didn't pan out. I suppose theres always room for new dreams, new pathways to take.

~Tam~

Poetry is Wilde

I'm going to start choosing poetry excerpts to discuss briefly on here.. it'll be a good way to get me reading more again and share some of those amazing 'moments' that happen in poetry and what they mean. To me at least. So without further ado, today's selection:


"Spirit of beauty! tarry with us still,
It is not quenched the torch of poesy,
The star that shook above the Eastern hill
Holds unassailed its argent armoury
From all the gathering gloom and fretful fight -
O tarry with us still! for through the long and
common night,

Morris, our sweet and simple Chaucer's child,
Dear heritor of Spenser's tuneful reed,
With soft and sylvan pipe has oft beguiled
The weary soul of man in troublous need,
And from the far and flowerless fields of ice
Has brought fair flowers meet to make an earthly paradise"

~ from Oscar Wilde's "The Garden of Eros" 


I love this poem because it definitely still applies to this day: an increasing need to fight for the preservation of poetry and beauty in a world of financial focus and mass production.  If you didn't know, Morris opened a firm "The Kelmscott Press" to try and revive the art of hand-printing rather than machine printing, which he did for all of Chaucer's works, with wood carved illustrations, it was beautiful.

Love you Oscar, Poetry is not dead.



~Tam~

2016, Why Am I Such a Strange and Dramatic Human, and Cute Pictures

It's 1.00am and I've literally been sitting here listening to music on youtube for the past 3 hours. In public service I link you to this amazing Australian artist going by the name Vera Blue https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHgr1nCpt1A&index=13&list=PLVekT34bR3ZNdtI_o3dtRB7R58H33qmC5

Seriously, check it out, her work is so beautiful.

Anyway, apparently my body/mind has forgotten how to go to sleep during normal sleeping hours :(
Wholly shit, just as I wrote that, there was an audio malfunction on my computer and a really creepy sound screeched out the laptop speakers :o Maybe I'm being haunted, and this is the real reason why I can't sleep :P

So I changed the subtitle of this blog again to match my ever-evolving identity (really it's just been an unravelling of self-awareness).

I've had another pretty insane year - haven't written on here since early in the year. I was pretty much just so overwhelmed with everything I couldn't gather my thoughts together to write a coherent post.
I was heartbroken after the breakup with my ex-fiance of 8 years. Didn't seem to bother him much because he was in a new relationship with his "she's only a friend how dare you suggest otherwise" like 2 weeks later which he plastered happily all over social media. Thanks man, I'm feeling how much you loved, appreciated and respected me for 8 years. He cut me off completely all year... recently had some short interactions about some issues like old bills in his name, our joint dropbox account, and he was basically stone cold and treated me like a total stranger. Ouch. This was the person who was my best friend, whom I thought had my back no matter what, who I was completely prepared to spend the rest of my life with. People really really suck, don't they? :(  My poor heart is still healing over that one.


So after that I moved into a new share house which has been pretty good so far, although the moving itself is always stressful.
Since then I've been dealing with gender transition, which I don't regret for a second, yet has been pretty tough emotionally to deal with. On one hand, I finally feel like a real person, the real me, and on the other hand I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole of second-guessing every social interaction, worrying about passing etc etc which is draining in it's own right. I often feel like I haven't changed at all but then I hear an old voice-recording or see an old pic and realise I've come quite a way already. I most often get gendered correctly in public now, but sometimes old habits/feminine mannerisms creep in which confuse people again. Yes I am an enigma people, deal with it :P

Also my breasts are driving me crazy, can't stand binding, it's way too hot and uncomfortable in Australian summer. Ideally I'd like to get top surgery ASAP, but it's not going to happen because I don't have any money, nor do I have family willing to take care of me during the couple of months recovery to follow, and I don't think I can do it all alone at the moment. I mean sure I have mates who would always help, but  I think generally care is needed after the surgery. My Mum went ballistic the one time I even mentioned the idea of top surgery, so needless to say she's not going to be my support person there.

Mum still calls me by my old name, she/her, daughter and everything in public, it's embarrassing and really awkward, and she won't stop. I try quietly correcting to 'he' but she just completely ignores it. Likewise my Aunt and sister are utterly ignoring my transition, even though now I actually look like and sound like a dude so it's getting weird. I wonder if they'll still be in denial if I eventually get facial hair or whatever?

<---- (Btw, the original Dumbledore in the first movie was so much better than the later one, just throwing that out there :P )

Also, although life gets all weird and crazy and tough, Harry Potter remains the best childrens (and adult lets face it) series ever. HP forever. I'm a Hufflepuff according to Pottermore and I have an Aardvark patronus? I had to look up what an Aardvark was, it's this cute lil termite-eating creature: 

So I got totally side-tracked there (see, still as crazy as ever). So back to my personal events of 2016 (let's not even mention Trump okay, I can't even go there America is nuts). So.. despite my fiance  and best friend throwing 8 years back in my face, I have been trying to move on and have dated a few people (both guys n gals) casually since then. Strangely I never really 'dated' in my past since I met my ex-fiance right after highschool and that was that. So I guess now's my chance, or whatever. Nothing really stuck or worked out though so far. 

Recently I've also come to terms with the fact that my sexuality has changed a bit.. whereas I used feel completely asexual and had zero interest in sex, I've now noticed that, rarely, and in specific circumstances/specific people, I can sometimes feel attraction. This is pretty different for me, and I think that hormones boosting my libido etc prob has something to do with it. I've only really acted on this twice but I think in general/in future I should be really careful before getting 'physical' with anyone.  I still have those borderline personality traits there where I tend to feel desperate to be loved and validated and terrified of rejection (I know they sound like things everyone feels, but trust me, mine is to the extent that it completely f*cks me up emotionally on a regular basis).  And if I add sex into that it just complicates those emotions even more and make them even more difficult to manage. I think I need to not be impulsive and make sure I can really trust the person before going into the um, 'physical' realm, for the sake of my own sanity, and probably theirs too tbh :S I wish I didn't have those issues and could just do whatever I want, and explore this new side of me (safely obviously) but the fact is there are emotional repercussions for pretty much anything I do, and it's just not worth it. 

Arrgh all I ever wanted was to spend a happy life in partnership with one person, but that did not work out so well. :( It sucks, why do humans feel lonely and feel driven to find connection and therefor subject yourself to so much hurt?? (the age-old question)

Aaaand, it's almost xmas, and I've finished my Music Masters and enrolled in the sleep science grad course for next year so that I can actually get a real job at the end of that. I'll continue teaching flute next year and playing in the charity orchestras and stuff, it just sucks that the permanent professional orchestral position fantasy in my head isn't going to happen realistically. Ah well, we can dream, hey? Well, we can if we can ever get to sleep...

I put up white/blue fairy lights around my room (so gay I know) but they look epic :D

Also, I found this cow sculpture at the river near the university, cool hey? :)

And finally.... MERRY XMAS FROM NAPOLEAN THE REINDEER-DOG!! :D

SHOTS

SHOTS

I've all sorts of strange
aches and pains I've never felt before
(though I like to pretend
I've forgotten old wounds -
those blades have long rusted-over.)

Today's stabs are fresh
but a lot more tired,
originating somewhere in the spine,
causing nervous disconnect.

My book lays untouched on the table.
I speak to it, say: "I'd read you if I
were able." But can words really wait?
And the voice in my head: You are
already too late.

Age is a factor in my mind
dividing me from the moment.
Twenty-six and nothing really to show for it;
all those years of study and only just
beginning to know.

But who gets a paid career in self-diagnosis?
The successful artist, I suppose,
which I will never be with this sort of prose.
So what's my story?

That I once danced with Death?
That I ripped off the face of a woman
to reveal a gentle boy?
That I loved and lost... and yes, I did regret it?

The truth is, I do not get to call all the shots.
I do not often win; I am not
 always in control. But my God
do I have soul

inside every cell. Each sentence,
every pointed finger:
I transform
even as you pull the trigger.



~Tarmon~

Email to my Mother

So this is quite personal I guess... but why not post personal stuff on the internet? :P This is an exact copy of the email I sent my Mum the other day. I'm going to paste it here, and then in my next blog post I will backtrack and explain what's been happening since my last post, which was quite a while ago. So here we go, personal email:

"Hey Mum,

I wanted to write an email because I've been feeling a bit upset since our last phone call as you've been seeming a bit passive/aggressive lately. 

In particular, when I tried to tell you about a new person I'd started dating you made all these remarks about "what do asexuals even do with each other" and then when I tried to explain we just act like a normal couple you kept talking over me saying "I don't want to hear it I'm going now". This is really confusing, as I don't understand how you could possibly be  disgusted by my ... not doing any sexual acts?? How is that in anyway something shameful? You also kept saying that romance isn't real without sex which pretty much invalidates any relationship I've previously had, and makes my emotions or love for other people totally invalid. 

I think sometimes you just say this stuff without thinking, but it's actually really hurtful and thoughtless, and I end every conversation with you feeling like somehow I should be really ashamed of myself although I'm not sure exactly what for.

I don't know why you feel the need to do that or say those kind of things constantly then act like I shouldn't be upset about them. I'd NEVER put someone down over their gender or sexual orientation (or lack thereof). 

I love you Mum and I know you've supported me financially and in lots of ways, but it'd be so awesome to be able to be really close and to be able to really talk to each other while maintaining respect. In fact I'd love so much to be able to do that! <3

 I've been working so hard on gaining confidence and being okay with myself, and obviously this next couple of years will be a struggle but a continuation of that growth. Part of that is really trying to let go of many years of guilt and shame over what I am or aren't so I can just be me and be happy. I have realised that when other people make you feel bad it's usually a reflection of their own issues and insecurities they need to work out. I think if each of us was truly okay with ourselves we would feel no need to put anyone down or judge anyone else.

Anyway I know this was a bit long, but I love you a lot and really need you, especially after losing ( ex-), who was (I had thought anyway) the one person who offered unconditional and non-judging support while we were together.

But yeh I reckon you should try and go to that support group event I emailed to you before if you are able to, as I think it would be really helpful to talk to other parents (and health professionals) about gender-diverse family members. Personally I don't think it's that hard to just love someone for who they are and not worry about/support their gender and sexual identity. Everyone is different and we're meant to be! Once society stops judging people for those things there'll be much less depression, anxiety, suicide and multitude of other issues. No person is 'wrong' or 'broken' or should be ashamed!

Love you a tonne,

Tam xoxoxoxo"

Early Transition feels (in pictures)

Transition stories

 I'm now three and a half weeks on T  - some days my voice gets a little croaky/raspy, and I have a little more hair on my legs just above my ankles. Nothing too noticeable yet though. I've heard the capsules can take longer to have an effect, so I might switch over to gel or shots next time I see my Doctor.. I'm mostly anxious to have my voice drop, which I think will make a huge difference in getting gendered correctly. LOL just imagined me doing Mufasa's voice in the Lion King: "SIMBAAAA" :D

I'm made a few local mates from transgender support groups online, all awesome people! It's refreshing to be around people who really get what you're going through (still love being around my cis-gendered friends also of course!)

My Mum has made some progress when it comes to accepting my transition. At least she's no longer yelling abuse, just reiterating that 'it makes no sense' which it probably does not, if you are not yourself transgender.  However she did correct herself the other day - when referring to me, she went to say my 'daughter' and changed it to 'child', which I thought was a pretty big step for her :) I was like 'yayyyy Mum great work!' She looked confused about how happy that made me haha.

On a less positive note... At a Christian school I teach flute lessons at, one of the Mums pulled her kid out of flute lessons with me. This was a high school student whom I got along with extremely well, who was musically gifted and we had a great dynamic in our lessons. In fact last year the mother in question sent me more than one email saying her kid loved having me as a teacher. So, the principal called me in for a chat and said that this particular Mum had been 'suspicious' of my name change, looked me up online and found this blog, hence discovering that I was transgender. She may be reading this now for all I know, but I'm not taking my blog down due to the prejudice of one person.

Even though my gender identity has nothing to do with my Music or teaching, it was apparently necessary to remove her 15 year old from the damning influence of a transgender, non-religious flute teacher (even though I'd never discuss religion or gender in a flute lesson - I mean, as if we'd have time for that anyway!) It's kind of flummoxing, I mean what do people think, that their poor innocent child will be corrupted or catch the transgender bug?  Please see link below:

http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/my-gender-identity-harmless/

But I mean ... God FORBID a child should be exposed to a diverse range of people and genders and learn that it's okay for them to be who they really are. I mean that's just despicable... (sarcasm).  I mean sorry to tell you this, but your high school student will soon be going out into the world and will be exposed to all sorts of people, religions, sexualities, cultures, genders. This is called, um, THE WORLD.

So anyway, how does the school react? They hire in a NEW flute tutor for those students who don't want to go with me any more as a result (correction: for trans phobic and small minded parents who like to teach their children that there is shame in being a social minority). I mean, has there really never been a transgender child at the school? Imagine if parents demanded such a child be removed from school because they didn't want the other kids exposed to a transgender person? What kind of people ARE these, and what kind of message do they want to send to their kids? Not to mention the harm they are doing to the kids who actually might be gender diverse and taught to be ashamed of themselves all their childhood. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??

Honestly I have tried to be open and accepting of different religions in general, but in my experience religion often causes people to close their minds, become bigoted, righteous, discriminatory and prejudice. Or maybe the people are already like that, and they use religion to fuel that.

Okay, so it turns out the above statement ISN'T always true - I actually have a new job at a Catholic School, who amazingly don't care about my gender or religion. Who would have thought it? They obviously realise that those factors are irrelevant to my flute teaching. Some sanity in the world has been restored!

ANYWAY, let me just announce that I refuse to be shamed by my mother, the people at my jobs, or ANYONE because of my identity. I'm a fully functional, intelligent person, I've completed multiple university degrees, and I am now a graduate student. No, I'm not religious, because religion just does not make sense or resonate with me. It's fine if it does with you, just don't be a bigoted a**hole as a result. I am a complete person and I have never felt more confident or happy in my identity and sense of self.

Unfortunately haters are always going to hate (often disguising this hate as righteousness). Go right ahead, but I hope your poor child one day grows up to realise there is a diverse world of people out there who all deserve equality and respect.

I took some 'nude' picture a couple of weeks ago (don't worry, nothing is showing) to try and get a raw image of myself and my body pre-transition. So this is me, and though the outside exterior may change over time, I'm still me and I hope other people can see and accept that. For all of us.. it's a difficult thing, the desire, the NEED to be really seen.