I'm sitting at an outdoor table at one of the university cafes. It's lunch time, so its very busy here at the moment. I had discreet look around, and it appears that I am the only person here presenting as a non-binary gender. That's not to say there isn't anyone else here that doesn't identify as either male or female, but I'm the only person in the vicinity presenting a 'genderqueer' exterior.
Hang on! you say. Where is all this 'non-binary'/'genderqueer' stuff coming from? What do those terms mean, and since when have you identified with them?
From wiki:
"Genderqueer (GQ; alternatively non-binary) is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine—identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.[1"
Whhaaaat? There are more genders than just male and female? Yes. Yes there are. Importantly, biological sex and gender are different things.
Again, wiki comes to the rescue:
"The distinction between sex and gender differentiates sex (the anatomy of an individual's reproductive system, and secondary sex characteristics) from gender (social roles based on the sex of the person), or personal identification of one's own gender based on an internal awareness (gender identity).[1][2] In some circumstances, an individual's assigned sex and gender do not align, and the result is sometimes a transgender person.[1]
The Genderqueer flag:
So, as I'm sure you've gathered by now, I've decided to embrace my personal identity as a non-binary gendered person. That is to say, I don't feel that I belong to either of the male/female categories. Some non-binary people feel that they are a mixture of male and female (bigendered), or that they switch between them (genderfluid) or that they have no gender at all (agender, neutrois), I feel like I do have a gender, but it is completely separate from and outside the male/female binary. There is a new term "Maverique" for such a third gender, but it's not widely known/accepted:
http://maveriques.tumblr.com/maverique
http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Maverique
I know I know, there's so many 'new terms' and many people have voiced that so much terminology is getting stupid. However, I kind of like having a word I can use to describe myself, and its kind of validating and a way to relate to similar-minded people. However, for now I'm just sticking with "non-binary," because I think it's an overall concept easier to grasp for most people.
So how did I come to the conclusion that I am "non-binary"?
Basically, the more I thought about it, the more I realised ... the reason I've always felt so awkward about my body, appearance and personal bearing was because I was constantly trying to fit into a female norm that I could never really match, and also felt deeply uncomfortable with.
I think back to all those comments I got from friends (never intending to be hurtful) saying things like: "you don't seem like a girl" or "you're more like a guy than a girl." (*note: I do not identify with being a guy any more than I identify as a girl.) Although these friends were merely being matter of fact, because they did accept me how I was, it did also increase my uncomfortable self-awareness about my appearance and behaviour. I wore padded bras all the time to try and make my breasts look bigger (I'm naturally very flat-chested), I wore tight clothes to try and look curvy and 'feminine,' I tried to act 'girly,' maintain a kind of submissive demeanor, even flirty - despite the fact that I'm also asexual and don't experience sexual attraction at all.
I wanted people to like me and be attracted to me, and I thought I needed to be feminine and desirable, to achieve that.
When I got a serious boyfriend (who is now my fiancé), I tried desperately to fulfil that 'female counterpart' I thought he was looking for. In short, I spent my whole adolescence and early adulthood pretending to be a straight female. And I almost completely lost myself in the process.
I had quite a severe identity crisis in my early 20's, which was diagnosed as "borderline personality disorder." I was severely depressed during this time, self-harming and suicidal (I made an attempt that landed me in the emergency ward, then a psychiatric hospital.) I kept doing things like wildly hacking off my hair with kitchen scissors in the middle of the night, because I couldn't make sense of who the person in the mirror was. I never once thought, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual, maybe my gender isn't female...maybe I'm so conflicted because I've spent years trying to be something I'm not. Neither did I think: maybe it's okay to let go of those ideals and be something else, something true. Maybe I won't be rejected and abandoned for being me. All I knew was that I felt all wrong, and terribly empty.
When I discovered the term "asexual" and eventually came out to my fiancé, despite my worst fears he did not reject me, but accepted it and did his best to understand and make me feel comfortable in the relationship. When I first suggest I might not be "female" OR "male" but rather something else altoether, a gender unique to me, he just said: "Awesome! That's cool!" and when I said: "I'm going to cut my hair again and dress in male and unisex clothing, because I feel more comfortable presenting as androgynous, he said: "Do whatever you want, Tam.. whatever makes you feel good in yourself. It's all the same to me how you dress and have your hair!"
So, wow. I'm asexual, genderqueer and a sufferer of mood disorders. Yet my heterosexual, cis-male, emotionally-balanced fiancé loves and accepts me for exactly who I really am.
So I guess the message is: If you lie outside the social, sexual and gender norms, this does NOT mean that you can't or won't be loved by others.
Family, friends and partners - the people who are really important, and who are meant to be a big part of your life, will love you for you!
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG ABOUT YOU, and you don't need to be afraid to let go and be you.
~Tam~
