Xmas, Fiance's and Ukelele's

My fiance is coming back to Perth for xmas!!! He arrives in a day and a half. I thought I'd share this snippet of (typed) conversation we had online, because I think it really represents us as people. My fiance decided not to bring his guitar on the aeroplane because it's awkward, and to bring the ukelele instead. Conversation followed thus:

Fiance: I'm coming with a ukelele. much easier to travel with
Me: woohoo!!
imagine if it was called Eleleku
Fiance: haha
Me: pronounced Eee- le - le — cue
...... no
ee lay le cue
Me:  if someone at security asks u what it is, say
 “its a Ee lay le cue"
'Ce: "call the police"
Me: and they say ‘wtf is that'
 be like “oh you know, an EE-LAY-le-cue. everyone knows what that is"
 then make strumming motions in the air
then the security officer says, after a pause… “you mean Ukelele?"
“No dude, it’s pronounce Ee lay le cue"
 Me: don’t you miss me hahhaa you are going to put up with this shit daily
'Ce: haha
  sorry I was playing my eelaylecue
Me: HAHAA
'Ce: I miss you
Me: 10 points to gryffindor!!
'Ce: you can say that word without vowels
 grrrrfnnnndrrrr
Me: lol!!!
how about,
Hfflllpfffff
'Ce: slllltthhhrrrrrnnnn
Me: rrrrvvvvnnnnclllww
oh we are so cool I dont know anyone as cool as us


:D :D I can't wait to have this dork around so we can be dorks together.  HAPPY XMAS EVERYONE and hope you can spend it with equally adorkable people <3

~Tam~

I'm transitioning with HRT! Also check out my new Vlogs. Dogs are cool.

So I recently discovered the magic of Vlogs... I've been having a lot of fun blurting out whatever thought-mish-mash is going on in my noggin, and then editing to extract the bits that actually make some vague kind of sense. :P

So, in my videos I explained how I have been to see a Dr who was very supportive and agreed that testosterone treatment is a good way to go for me. Here is the first vid:

.... and the second which explains a bit more about how I knew I was transgender, what it means, and how it feels:

If you SUBSCRIBE to my youtube channel, you can check out my other vids (I have a couple of others up already about body dysphoria, 'coming out', etc. I'm still learning how to actually make vids and edit them, and I'll have to get a better quality webcam at some point.

So anyway, at this point I've seen the GP, had blood tests done, and have an appointment booked to see a psychiatrist, who needs to write a letter so that my GP can start me on testosterone treatment. I can't wait, wish I didn't have to wait until the 8th for the pdoc appointment!  I can't even express how happy I am that I finally isolated what's been going on with me since forever - I'M NOT A GIRL!! I'M TRANSGENDER! I can finally recognise and put a name to my experiences and am now making positive steps to ensure I can live a happier life and be me! :) :)

Oh, and I'm legally changing my name to "Tarmon Louis Simpson" rather than Tamara Louise Simpson. "Tam" is still perfectly fine as a nick-name, however. I've decided to go with either neutral they/them/their pronouns or he/his. I am wanting to present masculine, as that is more comfortable for me than female, although I identify as genderqueer (not female but not 100% male).

I've yet to 'come out' to all my family and friends (only a few friends know at this point). I'll send off my name-change application within the next few days. Once that goes through I'll make my new name 'facebook official.'

And If you feel like embarking on some  family-related drama.. in one of my other youtube vids entitled "Coming Out Fears" I talk about how my Mum is literally refusing to let me tell her I'm trans. I tried sitting her down to tell her and she just yelled "I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT STOP."  So yes my Mum is in denial and it's going to be tough getting her to use new pronouns and stop referring to me as her 'daughter.' oh, the drama. why must it be so? *sigh. But I'm so happy with my identity now and the direction I'm going, so I hope she comes around.

Also, binders are really uncomfortable in Australian summer.

Also, Dog.

~Tarmon~

So....What does Gender Identity actually mean?? Also, I play the flute and have a giant white dog.

I was trying to explain to someone the other day why I didn't 'feel' like a man or a woman... rather than just a 'woman who is a bit different than the social stereotype.' At the time I didn't really know how to answer, other than to say that it was an internal experience of identity: just the way a cis-gendered person has an internal sense of being a man or a woman. I said to : "Well would you feel comfortable dressing and presenting as the opposite gender? Would you mind if people assumed you were that gender and interacted with you as such?" They said they wouldn't like it, and I asked why. They replied that they wouldn't feel like their true self. <----- THIS. That's the only way I can describe I know I'm not a tom-boyish girl, but actually not a girl OR a boy. I just don't feel comfortable with being perceived as 'female' - equally I don't feel comfortable with the label of 'male'. 

I really do feel like I don't fit into those gender categories, and I'm trying to a achieve a style/presentation that doesn't automatically box me into one of those. I recently ordered my first binder online from gc2b, because even though I have small boobs anyway, they still don't fit right into neutral or male-type clothing.

I've also decided not to wear a dress to my flute recital (don't get me wrong, I think dresses are beautiful too) but I feel more comfortable in smart, neutral clothing. And also I don't really want to stand up there for my final Master's recital and be a 'woman in a pretty dress playing a pretty flute'. I just want to be a musician making (hopefully enjoyable and moving) music! 

Trying out recital outfit - photobombed by Dog :)

^Not the best pic of me, but I thought it looked quite gender-neutral. So although I've been doing minimal makeup, I tried white mascara because why not. It evidently looked pretty weird, like an alien. But then maybe I secretly am an alien.. an asexual agender alien.. okay gonna end this photo caption now before things get out of hand :D

So if you're still thinking 'non-binary people don't exist' or 'genderqueer isn't a thing'.... then just imagine for a sec that you look like the opposite gender than you actually are, and everyone around you constantly assumes you are that gender. It would feel really unpleasant, right? Like your true self was being denied and awkwardly shunted away.

From WIKI: "Gender identity is one's personal experience of one's own gender. This is generally described as one's private sense of being a man or a woman, consisting primarily of the acceptance of membership into a category of people: male or female....."

                             and more:    ".. In most Western societies, there exists a gender binary, a social dichotomy that enforces conformance to the ideals of masculinity and femininity in all aspects of sex and gender: biological sex, gender identity, and gender expression. Some societies have third gender categories that can be used as a basis for a gender identity by people who are uncomfortable with the gender that is usually associated with their sex; in other societies, membership of any of the gender categories is open to people regardless of their sex."

Gonna leave you with that little snippet of interesting cultural info! I better go because my dog is making weird noises that mean he's hungry. I mean he's always hungry, but the noises mean he is reaalllly hungry . Like so hungry he might actually eat me if I don't give him his dinner now. Oh helllp don't kill me Napolean!!

Non-Binary Banter

I'm sitting at an outdoor table at one of the university cafes. It's lunch time, so its very busy here at the moment. I had discreet look around, and it appears that I am the only person here presenting as a non-binary gender. That's not to say there isn't anyone else here that doesn't identify as either male or female, but I'm the only person in the vicinity presenting a 'genderqueer' exterior.


Hang on! you say. Where is all this 'non-binary'/'genderqueer' stuff coming from? What do those terms mean, and since when have you identified with them?


From wiki:


"Genderqueer (GQ; alternatively non-binary) is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine—identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.^[1"


Whhaaaat? There are more genders than just male and female? Yes. Yes there are. Importantly, biological sex and gender are different things.

  Again, wiki comes to the rescue:
 

"The distinction between sex and gender differentiates sex (the anatomy of an individual's reproductive system, and secondary sex characteristics) from gender (social roles based on the sex of the person), or personal identification of one's own gender based on an internal awareness (gender identity).^[1][2] In some circumstances, an individual's assigned sex and gender do not align, and the result is sometimes a transgender person.^[1]

The Genderqueer flag:

So, as I'm sure you've gathered by now, I've decided to embrace my personal identity as a non-binary gendered person. That is to say, I don't feel that I belong to either of the male/female categories. Some non-binary people feel that they are a mixture of male and female (bigendered), or that they switch between them (genderfluid) or that they have no gender at all (agender, neutrois), I feel like I do have a gender, but it is completely separate from and outside the male/female binary. There is a new term "Maverique" for such a third gender, but it's not widely known/accepted:


http://maveriques.tumblr.com/maverique
http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Maverique


I know I know, there's so many 'new terms' and many people have voiced that so much terminology is getting stupid. However, I kind of like having a word I can use to describe myself, and its kind of validating and a way to relate to similar-minded people. However, for now I'm just sticking with "non-binary," because I think it's an overall concept easier to grasp for most people.


So how did I come to the conclusion that I am "non-binary"?


Basically, the more I thought about it, the more I realised ... the reason I've always felt so awkward about my body, appearance and personal bearing was because I was constantly trying to fit into a female norm that I could never really match, and also felt deeply uncomfortable with.
I think back to all those comments I got from friends (never intending to be hurtful) saying things like: "you don't seem like a girl" or "you're more like a guy than a girl." (*note: I do not identify with being a guy any more than I identify as a girl.) Although these friends were merely being matter of fact, because they did accept me how I was, it did also increase my uncomfortable self-awareness about my appearance and behaviour.  I wore padded bras all the time to try and make my breasts look bigger (I'm naturally very flat-chested), I wore tight clothes to try and look curvy and 'feminine,' I tried to act 'girly,' maintain a kind of submissive demeanor, even flirty - despite the fact that I'm also asexual and don't experience sexual attraction at all.
I wanted people to like me and be attracted to me, and I thought I needed to be feminine and desirable, to achieve that.


When I got a serious boyfriend (who is now my fiancé), I tried desperately to fulfil that 'female counterpart' I thought he was looking for. In short, I spent my whole adolescence and early adulthood pretending to be a straight female. And I almost completely lost myself in the process.


I had quite a severe identity crisis in my early 20's, which was diagnosed as "borderline personality disorder." I was severely depressed during this time, self-harming and suicidal (I made an attempt that landed me in the emergency ward, then a psychiatric hospital.) I kept doing things like wildly hacking off my hair with kitchen scissors in the middle of the night, because I couldn't make sense of who the person in the mirror was. I never once thought, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual, maybe my gender isn't female...maybe I'm so conflicted because I've spent years trying to be something I'm not. Neither did I think: maybe it's okay to let go of those ideals and be something else, something true. Maybe I won't be rejected and abandoned for being me. All I knew was that I felt all wrong, and terribly empty.


When I discovered the term "asexual" and eventually came out to my fiancé, despite my worst fears he did not reject me, but accepted it and did his best to understand and make me feel comfortable in the relationship. When I first suggest I might not be "female" OR "male" but rather something else altoether, a gender unique to me, he just said: "Awesome! That's cool!" and when I said: "I'm going to cut my hair again and dress in male and unisex clothing, because I feel more comfortable presenting as androgynous, he said: "Do whatever you want, Tam.. whatever makes you feel good in yourself. It's all the same to me how you dress and have your hair!"


So, wow. I'm asexual, genderqueer and a sufferer of mood disorders. Yet my heterosexual, cis-male, emotionally-balanced fiancé loves and accepts me for exactly who I really am.


So I guess the message is: If you lie outside the social, sexual and gender norms, this does NOT mean that you can't or won't be loved by others.
Family, friends and partners - the people who are really important, and who are meant to be a big part of your life, will love you for you!


THERE IS NOTHING WRONG ABOUT YOU, and you don't need to be afraid to let go and be you.

~Tam~

Fiance, Reunions and Giant Dog

Yesterday my fiance arrive back in Perth!! He has been away for 9 months, studying in the U.S. I missed him so much... so did our giant dog Napolean (who is also my Psychiatric Service Dog). Here is a video of the dog-human re-union at the airport:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XifTzJv93Qc

Excuse the old-school camcorder!

I love the way Napolean takes a moment at the beginning to confirm it is indeed Ambrose.. then goes crazy with excitement!

I was pretty excited also :) So good to have Ambrose home! He is certainly getting a lot of attention from me and N-dog ...

 ^Napolean happily waiting for Ambrose's flight to arrive :)

^Ambrose getting kisses all round!

^Stopped at the shops on the way home... Napolean decided he would get in the drivers seat.. maybe he wants to drive us home??

.... It's confirmed, I have an awesome dog and an awesome fiance. Am pretty lucky really :D <3

~Tam~

Barking Mad: "Howling Lessons"

BARKING MAD

The Adventures of Napolean, a Very Anxious Therapy Dog

"Howling Lessons"

Napolean, being a wolfhound, has the blood-curdling howl of a wolf. Actually it sounds more like something out of a horror movie like "Hound of the Baskervilles" (Clink link below for an accurate audio representation)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5V012rB1Iw


Napolean likes to take every opportunity to practice his beastly howl. Including the days when I take flute lessons from my house. It begins from the moment the student and parent arrive at our doorstep..

After this warm welcome, we then proceed with the lesson. However, Napolean likes to join in the music:

The student's parent usually waits in the lounge room, where they partake in various fascinating activities like reading books and tablets. Napolean, however, has a memory span roughly equivalent to that of a goldfish. This means that he constantly forgets that the parent is still in the house. As a consequence, every time he wanders aimlessly back into the lounge room, his tiny wolfhound-mind is blown by the apparition of a random human.

Eventually, he will get used to the presence of the parent again, and will wander back into the music room.

This cycle repeats indefinitely...

           
                                                                                                       ..... until the end of the lesson:

... and I wonder why I don't have more students...

*THE END* 

~Tam

BARKING MAD: "New Year Ruffolutions"

BARKING MAD

The Adventures of Napolean, a Very Anxious Therapy Dog

"New Year Ruffolutions"

Napolean the Very Anxious Therapy Dog had a ruff time on New Years Eve. He was forced to accompany me, his Very Anxious Human, to a small party. At first it was scary for Napolean, because he is a Very Anxious Dog, but then, it became rather boring. Quickly, however, Napolean found himself extremely drawn to the large amount of delicious-smelling food on the party table - in particular, some greasy meatballs impaled on small wooden skewers. Napolean had been strictly forbidden to investigate these tantalising dishes. But Napolean was smart. He knew that he only needed to wait for the opportune moment to arise...

Unfortunately, he was spotted by a meddlesome human just as the meatball - skewer and all - disappeared into his mouth.

This caused a flurry of panic amoung the humans, as they seemed to think he might be silly enough to choke on the toothpick. However, Napolean was way smarter than that.

He spat the single toothpick daintily onto the carpet, then tried to look really happy and loveable so as not to be told off for disobeying his human's rules. 

As usual, his good looks won out and after a quick scolding, his human quickly forgave him. However, the night didn't end there. Napolean was then forced to accompany his human down to the river, which was okay, until  explosions suddenly sounded all around him!! Napolean was seized by an utter panic! He ripped his lead out of my hands and began racing in mad circles up and down the river bank. To Ndog, it seemed as though the world was ending, in great explosions of sound and light. How could the humans stay so calm at a time like this?? 

It took half an hour after the fireworks had ended for us to calm Napolean down. But it took another day of rest for him to recover from the emotional trauma of Years Eve, and for me to recover from the draining effect of social interaction. Next New Years, we have decided we are staying in bed and eating meatballs (or maybe tofu in my case). Without the toothpicks.

*THE END (of 2014!)*

~Tam~

Loving Myself And Dogs :)

Last few days I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps. I felt like a wet blanket on New Years Eve, even though I force myself to go out with some friends. Napolean came too and was a bit naughty...  I'll tell that story later complete with computer-drawn comic :D 

Anyway, I felt crappy all day, and I avoided going out for my mother-in-laws birthday by lying and saying I had a stomach bug. But then, this evening I actually got some stuff done. I was proud of it, so thought I'd make a list.

PROUD LIST (Sat 3rd Jan 2015)

1. I have been feeling upset by a few family members lately, but kept it all inside and never spoke to them about it. So, tonight, instead of wallowing in sadness/hurt, I sent some assertive emails about my feelings and explaining why I was feeling hurt by them, but also intimating that I would like to move on from it. I've decided that in 2015 I'm going to respect myself. Keep it classy, but also stand up for myself when I need to. Spent way too long with zero confidence or self respect. No more. If someone steps over the line, I need to assert myself and my boundaries. My friends and family are important to me, but I am also important to MYSELF. And thats okay.

2.  Following on from that... I made my New Years Resolution:  Respect and appreciate myself. Stop hating myself, stop hurting myself and stop kicking myself to the dirt. My existence is on par with anyone elses, I am equally as important.  I CAN and WILL be healthy.

2. Cooked the dogs some yummy mince meat for dinner (Yummy for THEM, I mean, since I'm a vegetarian... :P

3. Walked dogs - two laps round the block.

4. Watered the garden (My plants have been looking pretty dead lately due to neglect)

5. Re-potted some plants, pulled out dead plants (sorry plants, i killed you)

6. Sat down to write a blog entry about my achievements :D

TO DO TONIGHT

7. Make myself a coffee and snack

8. Practice some orchestral excerpts, and the 2nd movement of Nielsen Flute Concerto. I may not have been offered an audition for my current Masters applications, but I will be applying for more soon and I'm going to be prepared to do an impressive performance on short notice.

9. Take sleeping tablet in order to get a good sleep... and cuddle up with my doggies for a good rest and happy dreaming! :)



Below: Am babysitting my Mums dog at the moment, so the two of them have taken over my bed! :P <3 (Can't figure out how to get rid of the date imprinted on the photos... new cheap camera..)

~Tam~