Xmas = FAIL!!

Omg I totally fail at Xmas!! The week leading up to the 25th I started to feel all depressed again, kept crying randomly etc, was not sleeping properly.. And I have been obsessing, and I mean OBSESSING about wanting to get engaged to A_, and also being totally devastated that he still doesn't want to after 5 years of being together. Well it got to the point where I was crying about it all the time... I began to realize that it was getting ridiculous, me feeling like this, so I decided to write everything down in a letter to A., trying to explain how I felt and why getting engaged was so important to me. Well obviously I hadn't planned to bring up the topic on xmas eve, for "Christ's sake" (haha little pun there). But when we were sitting together on the couch I said playfully "so what did u get me for xmas?" and he answered jokingly "a ring" because he knows that's really what I wanted lol. Well this really upset me, so this started me off on a big argument that really got us no-where. He doesn't want to get engaged/married, I do, there's nothing more to it really.

Well anyway I felt terrible next day (xmas day) so I just let myself sleep and sleep. I was supposed to be at family get togethers and stuff, and apparently Mum and A_ were ringing me and I didn't hear the phone or the alarms I'd set for the morning. Eventually my neighbour came knocking on the door waking me up, saying Mum had rang him asking him to check I was alright... omg I felt so bad for that!!
I rang Mum back right away then, and she ended up driving up to my place to see me. In the end we had quite a nice evening, went down for a walk at the river... But I felt very bad for sort of ruining xmas, I hadn't meant to!
On boxing day A_'s mum was holding a big lunch thing, and though I felt depressed and didn't want to go, A_ convinced me to come. That night we had another talk about the marriage thing, and still didn't really get anywhere. Am not really sure what to think about it now. I never thought I would have to try and convince the person I love to propose to me, it's kind of awful.

On top of this, one of my  good friends just got engaged over Xmas. She and her partner were only together for a few months but he knows he loves her and proposed, and she is thrilled! So what's wrong with ME I wonder? :(





~Tam~

I don't feel very good. It's strange when you're not quite sure how to describe the way you feel, isn't it? It's very difficult for me to get to the root of my problems, sometimes. Like why is xmas time and new years such a difficult time? I think perhaps its a time when you really wonder who the hell you are and where you're going. Lame, and I'm bored with myself already.
I'll just shut the hell up and go sort out my own problems.






~Tam~

imaginaryness

Help me help me help me I am getting sad again, how do I make it stop?? Damn this.

I was doing so well! And now that all the stressors are over and I can "relax", I start to hurt inside my chest again for no reason that I can tell.

Or maybe I can tell. I keep feeling like my relationship with my SO is sort of lacking in a way that can't be fixed. It's the freaking APATHY to everything and everyone, its driving me insane, not having a proper emotional connection.

I know I feel this emptiness wayyy more when I'm not well, and these thoughts usually go away when I'm happy. I suppose I am the one with the problem? And  am a shitty judge, because the other person I "fell in love with" due to a "deep emotional connection" up and ditched me as soon as I became a real person with complications, and not just a fantasy.

I don't know why everything has to be imaginary. I just want to be happy, why do I feel so empty, so desperate??

~Tam~