2016, Why Am I Such a Strange and Dramatic Human, and Cute Pictures

It's 1.00am and I've literally been sitting here listening to music on youtube for the past 3 hours. In public service I link you to this amazing Australian artist going by the name Vera Blue https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHgr1nCpt1A&index=13&list=PLVekT34bR3ZNdtI_o3dtRB7R58H33qmC5

Seriously, check it out, her work is so beautiful.

Anyway, apparently my body/mind has forgotten how to go to sleep during normal sleeping hours :(
Wholly shit, just as I wrote that, there was an audio malfunction on my computer and a really creepy sound screeched out the laptop speakers :o Maybe I'm being haunted, and this is the real reason why I can't sleep :P

So I changed the subtitle of this blog again to match my ever-evolving identity (really it's just been an unravelling of self-awareness).

I've had another pretty insane year - haven't written on here since early in the year. I was pretty much just so overwhelmed with everything I couldn't gather my thoughts together to write a coherent post.
I was heartbroken after the breakup with my ex-fiance of 8 years. Didn't seem to bother him much because he was in a new relationship with his "she's only a friend how dare you suggest otherwise" like 2 weeks later which he plastered happily all over social media. Thanks man, I'm feeling how much you loved, appreciated and respected me for 8 years. He cut me off completely all year... recently had some short interactions about some issues like old bills in his name, our joint dropbox account, and he was basically stone cold and treated me like a total stranger. Ouch. This was the person who was my best friend, whom I thought had my back no matter what, who I was completely prepared to spend the rest of my life with. People really really suck, don't they? :(  My poor heart is still healing over that one.


So after that I moved into a new share house which has been pretty good so far, although the moving itself is always stressful.
Since then I've been dealing with gender transition, which I don't regret for a second, yet has been pretty tough emotionally to deal with. On one hand, I finally feel like a real person, the real me, and on the other hand I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole of second-guessing every social interaction, worrying about passing etc etc which is draining in it's own right. I often feel like I haven't changed at all but then I hear an old voice-recording or see an old pic and realise I've come quite a way already. I most often get gendered correctly in public now, but sometimes old habits/feminine mannerisms creep in which confuse people again. Yes I am an enigma people, deal with it :P

Also my breasts are driving me crazy, can't stand binding, it's way too hot and uncomfortable in Australian summer. Ideally I'd like to get top surgery ASAP, but it's not going to happen because I don't have any money, nor do I have family willing to take care of me during the couple of months recovery to follow, and I don't think I can do it all alone at the moment. I mean sure I have mates who would always help, but  I think generally care is needed after the surgery. My Mum went ballistic the one time I even mentioned the idea of top surgery, so needless to say she's not going to be my support person there.

Mum still calls me by my old name, she/her, daughter and everything in public, it's embarrassing and really awkward, and she won't stop. I try quietly correcting to 'he' but she just completely ignores it. Likewise my Aunt and sister are utterly ignoring my transition, even though now I actually look like and sound like a dude so it's getting weird. I wonder if they'll still be in denial if I eventually get facial hair or whatever?

<---- (Btw, the original Dumbledore in the first movie was so much better than the later one, just throwing that out there :P )

Also, although life gets all weird and crazy and tough, Harry Potter remains the best childrens (and adult lets face it) series ever. HP forever. I'm a Hufflepuff according to Pottermore and I have an Aardvark patronus? I had to look up what an Aardvark was, it's this cute lil termite-eating creature: 

So I got totally side-tracked there (see, still as crazy as ever). So back to my personal events of 2016 (let's not even mention Trump okay, I can't even go there America is nuts). So.. despite my fiance  and best friend throwing 8 years back in my face, I have been trying to move on and have dated a few people (both guys n gals) casually since then. Strangely I never really 'dated' in my past since I met my ex-fiance right after highschool and that was that. So I guess now's my chance, or whatever. Nothing really stuck or worked out though so far. 

Recently I've also come to terms with the fact that my sexuality has changed a bit.. whereas I used feel completely asexual and had zero interest in sex, I've now noticed that, rarely, and in specific circumstances/specific people, I can sometimes feel attraction. This is pretty different for me, and I think that hormones boosting my libido etc prob has something to do with it. I've only really acted on this twice but I think in general/in future I should be really careful before getting 'physical' with anyone.  I still have those borderline personality traits there where I tend to feel desperate to be loved and validated and terrified of rejection (I know they sound like things everyone feels, but trust me, mine is to the extent that it completely f*cks me up emotionally on a regular basis).  And if I add sex into that it just complicates those emotions even more and make them even more difficult to manage. I think I need to not be impulsive and make sure I can really trust the person before going into the um, 'physical' realm, for the sake of my own sanity, and probably theirs too tbh :S I wish I didn't have those issues and could just do whatever I want, and explore this new side of me (safely obviously) but the fact is there are emotional repercussions for pretty much anything I do, and it's just not worth it. 

Arrgh all I ever wanted was to spend a happy life in partnership with one person, but that did not work out so well. :( It sucks, why do humans feel lonely and feel driven to find connection and therefor subject yourself to so much hurt?? (the age-old question)

Aaaand, it's almost xmas, and I've finished my Music Masters and enrolled in the sleep science grad course for next year so that I can actually get a real job at the end of that. I'll continue teaching flute next year and playing in the charity orchestras and stuff, it just sucks that the permanent professional orchestral position fantasy in my head isn't going to happen realistically. Ah well, we can dream, hey? Well, we can if we can ever get to sleep...

I put up white/blue fairy lights around my room (so gay I know) but they look epic :D

Also, I found this cow sculpture at the river near the university, cool hey? :)

And finally.... MERRY XMAS FROM NAPOLEAN THE REINDEER-DOG!! :D