So....What does Gender Identity actually mean?? Also, I play the flute and have a giant white dog.

I was trying to explain to someone the other day why I didn't 'feel' like a man or a woman... rather than just a 'woman who is a bit different than the social stereotype.' At the time I didn't really know how to answer, other than to say that it was an internal experience of identity: just the way a cis-gendered person has an internal sense of being a man or a woman. I said to : "Well would you feel comfortable dressing and presenting as the opposite gender? Would you mind if people assumed you were that gender and interacted with you as such?" They said they wouldn't like it, and I asked why. They replied that they wouldn't feel like their true self. <----- THIS. That's the only way I can describe I know I'm not a tom-boyish girl, but actually not a girl OR a boy. I just don't feel comfortable with being perceived as 'female' - equally I don't feel comfortable with the label of 'male'. 

I really do feel like I don't fit into those gender categories, and I'm trying to a achieve a style/presentation that doesn't automatically box me into one of those. I recently ordered my first binder online from gc2b, because even though I have small boobs anyway, they still don't fit right into neutral or male-type clothing.

I've also decided not to wear a dress to my flute recital (don't get me wrong, I think dresses are beautiful too) but I feel more comfortable in smart, neutral clothing. And also I don't really want to stand up there for my final Master's recital and be a 'woman in a pretty dress playing a pretty flute'. I just want to be a musician making (hopefully enjoyable and moving) music! 

Trying out recital outfit - photobombed by Dog :)

^Not the best pic of me, but I thought it looked quite gender-neutral. So although I've been doing minimal makeup, I tried white mascara because why not. It evidently looked pretty weird, like an alien. But then maybe I secretly am an alien.. an asexual agender alien.. okay gonna end this photo caption now before things get out of hand :D

So if you're still thinking 'non-binary people don't exist' or 'genderqueer isn't a thing'.... then just imagine for a sec that you look like the opposite gender than you actually are, and everyone around you constantly assumes you are that gender. It would feel really unpleasant, right? Like your true self was being denied and awkwardly shunted away.

From WIKI: "Gender identity is one's personal experience of one's own gender. This is generally described as one's private sense of being a man or a woman, consisting primarily of the acceptance of membership into a category of people: male or female....."

                             and more:    ".. In most Western societies, there exists a gender binary, a social dichotomy that enforces conformance to the ideals of masculinity and femininity in all aspects of sex and gender: biological sex, gender identity, and gender expression. Some societies have third gender categories that can be used as a basis for a gender identity by people who are uncomfortable with the gender that is usually associated with their sex; in other societies, membership of any of the gender categories is open to people regardless of their sex."

Gonna leave you with that little snippet of interesting cultural info! I better go because my dog is making weird noises that mean he's hungry. I mean he's always hungry, but the noises mean he is reaalllly hungry . Like so hungry he might actually eat me if I don't give him his dinner now. Oh helllp don't kill me Napolean!!