Haven't written on here in a while. I'm tired and slow. I think I'm only half alive.
No no, I know what this is really about. A_ is leaving for america soon, to begin his PhD. I'm hoping to join him early next year, but everything depends on me getting a full scholarship to do my Masters in music over there. And THAT depends on getting a letter of recommendation from the flute professor at the university. And said professor has not answered any of my emails for weeks now, or given any feedback on the recordings I sent in. gahhh. I'm just so terrified that none of this is going to work, and I'll be stuck in Australia doing jack-all while A_ does his PhD in america for four years or more. I honestly don't think I could survive without him for years like that. And plus, like what the hell would I do with myself? If I don't get into postgraduate study with music, then where am I going with music at all? What on earth would my next step be, or should I give up music and go back to science?
I did have a small confidence booster however - I got selected as one of the three finalists for a Concerto competition at my current university. This means I get to play in two concerts with a full orchestra to accompany me, yay! Am really excited as have never had an opportunity to play as a soloist with a full orchestra before. Am also a bit nervous as it'll be he first time I've performed from memory in front of a large audience, and I reaallly want to prove myself. I'd love to win, mostly because I want to prove to myself that I can do it, that I can be an outstanding musician and that I have what it takes to make it.
Oh, I also auditioned for ANAM (Australian National Academy of Music), which is in Melbourne. But I have no idea if I even have a chance of getting the scholarship to go there. I was not selected last time I tried.
But all the longing and all the worry about the future - both immediate and long-term - is getting all jumbled up inside me and its messing with my head, and I have bouts of extreme hopelessness and exhaustion and zero motivation. Gahhhh.
But everything usually works out one way or another, doesn't it? Will all find a way to survive eventually... don't we?
I feel like, without A_ and without a career in music to pursue, I might as well just die. It's sounds melodramatic, but..
I'm telling my dog Napolean that he has to live the same length as me, because I need him lol. You can see why from the pictures below:
"Correct Way to Sit on a Couch" OR "what to do when avoiding bath time" tutorial by Napolean:
*operation complete*
~Tam~
